ASoS 77: Tyrion XI

Tyrion is waiting in the black cells beneath the Red Keep. He knows he’s going to be executed, but he doesn’t know when. Or how.

Tyrion: Hrm. I wonder if it will be a public execution. So everyone can see and point and laugh and throw rotten vegetables at me. Or maybe they’ll make it private. Maybe they’ll just kill me down here and nobody will ever see or hear from me again.

Door: *knock*knock*

Tyrion: Oh shit! I guess the time has come. Nobody has seen or some for me in days. I guess this will be my executioner.

Jaime: No, it’s me.

Tyrion: Well, it’s pitch black in here, so I can’t tell who you are.

Jaime: Wait. Here. Let me turn on the flashlight on my iPhone.

Tyrion: OH SHIT! JAIME?! When did you get back to King’s Landing?!

Jaime: A while ago.

Tyrion: Dude, you missed A LOT when you were gone.

Jaime: Yeah, and you missed A LOT when I was gone too. Like this, for instance.

Jaime holds up his stump arm.

Tyrion: Dude? They cut your masturbating arm off?! That’s totally not cool.

Jaime: Well, technically I called it my “swordfighting arm,” but yeah. I guess it’s the same one.

Tyrion: So have you learned to adjust and use your left one yet?

Jaime: Yeah, I’ve been training out in the courtyard and… uhh… wait… you’re talking about masturbating again rather than swordfighting, huh?

Tyrion: Yes. Anyway. You see my face?

Jaime: Yes. You lost a nose.

Tyrion: You lost a hand. I lost a nose. Us Lannister boys just can’t hold onto our body parts, huh? So are YOU my executioner?

Jaime: What, for killing my dipshit son Joffrey? Haha, I hate that kid. Short answer – no. I’m not your executioner. Your executioner is supposed to take you out on the tourney grounds tomorrow morning. That will never happen though. I’m here to rescue you!

Tyrion: What what WHAAAAT?! Oh, thank god. I was really worried that I’d be executed and these books would become a lot less interesting. I mean, I thought main POV characters like me were too important to die. I though that Ned thing was just a fluke. Like, “Okay, well, they just made him seem like he’d be a main character but he was destined to die in the first book all along.”  But then after Cat died too? Oh shit man, they built her complex stories up for THREE BOOKS and still killed her off. Once she was gone, I figured…

Jaime: --Shut up, Tyrion. Let me help you out of these chains.

Tyrion: So I can…what? Just walk past the guards?

Jaime: The guards are asleep. Varys dosed their drinks with some roofies.

Tyrion: VARYS?! That traitorous asshole is why I’m in here! He totally lied about me in court!  Oh… and also… are you worried about the guards?

Jaime: It’s just roofies. They’ll wake up.

Tyrion: Yeah, well… they’ll wake up and I’ll be missing. Then they’ll be blamed for it and will probably be executed.

Jaime: What? Nooooo! Everyone will know their drinks were dosed. That seems like an overreaction to the situation. They’d be faultless.

Tyrion: Un hunnnnnnnn.

Jaime: Don’t worry about that now, bro. You have a boat to catch. You’re going to catch a ship to the Free Cities. You’ll get out of here where they can never get you.

Tyrion: Oh please. I’m a blonde dwarf. I can’t hide anywhere. I’ll stick out like a sorer thumb, wherever I go.

Jaime: Well, I can’t really do shit about that. Be safe brother.

Jaime kisses him on the cheeks.

Tyrion: Dude, you can seriously get in trouble for helping me. Why risk yourself like this?

Jaime: Because you’re my brother, man. Oh, and also… I owed you a debt.

Tyrion: A debt for what?

Jaime: You know. That whole Tysha thing.

Tyrion: What Tysha thing?

Jaime: You know… your first wife? Remember how you thought you were in love with her and lived a happy number of weeks together until me and my dad revealed to you that she was actually a whore that we paid for? Then dad made you watch a gang of soldiers run a train on her.

Tyrion: Uhm… yes. I obviously remember that.

Jaime: Ah, well. That lie was a lie. She actually was a woman who fell in love with you. A crofter’s daughter you met by chance on the road, just like you thought. I had nothing to do with it. She wasn’t a whore and I didn’t hire her. But after dad found out… well… he thought he’d teach you a lesson and made up the whole story. He sort of forced her to go along with it or, you know, he’d have probably murdered her.

Tyrion: WHAT?!

Jaime: Yeah, sorry about that.

Tyrion: YOU SON OF A—

Jaime: Hey man, it’s not like it was my idea. It was all dad. I had to go along with it. I was… like… a kid too. How was I supposed to…

Tyrion: --DUDE, I FUCKING HATE YOU!

Tyrion slaps him.

Jaime: I mean… part of me says I deserve that, but the other part of me is like, “Dude I’m saving your life and that story is still really about what DAD did and it wans’t me. Although I do feel guilty about being forced to go along and not telling you the truth.”

Tyrion: I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

Jaime: Yeah. Totally. I know. I get it. Remember how we were sending you on a boat to the free cities? The whole “we’ll never see each other again” was sort of the whole point of the thing.

Tyrion: If we meet again… I’ll kill you.

Jaime: I know I lost my right hand and everything… but that seems pretty unlikely. So asshole, did you kill my stupid son or not? Cersei says you did.

Tyrion: Cersei is a stupid, fucking, lying whore. While you were away she was fucking Lancel, Osmund Kettleblack and probably Moonboy for all I know.

Jaime: Whaaaaaaa?

Tyrion is furious with Jaime. Jaime has lied to him for all these years. Tyrion knows he can’t hurt him with a sword… so he’ll hurt him with words. A lie for a lie!

Tyrion: Yes, I killed your stupid fucking son. He would have been a worse king than Aerys!

Jaime: Ah, well. I don’t care.

Tyrion: WHAT?! No! You’re supposed to be deeply hurt by my words. I’ve suffered for years with the memory of Tysha. You’ve scarred my psyche! You’ve ruined my life. I’m probably an angry, alcoholic shitface because of that torment you caused me. Now I’m taking my revenge by scarring your psyche! You’ll forever think I murdered your son. You’ll feel the deep pain of that every day. You’ll know I got my sweet revenge on you.

Jaime: No. Not really. I fucking hated that kid. Really, if anything I should give you a firm handshake and a thanks. But. You know. Missing hand and everything.

Tyrion: BE SAD! BE ANGRY, DAMNIT!

Jaime: Meh. Bye, Tyrion. Varys is waiting for you down that corridor.

Tyrion: GOD DAMNIT!

Tyrion leaves and goes down the corridor, passing the passed out guards.

Tyrion: VARYS! YOU SON OF A FUCKING BITCH!

He starts punching him. But, you know, at knee-level and stuff.

Varys: OW! OW! OW! Stop! Hey man! That trial thing wasn’t my fault! I had no choice. I was forced to speak against you!

Tyrion: Whatever.

Varys: Besides, if you kill me… you’ll never find your way out. Unless I explain to you all the directions.

Tyrion: Okay, explain to me all of the directions.

Varys does so.

Tyrion: Cool. Hey. This room looks familiar. REALLY familiar. I think I’ve been here before. This is part of the same tunnels and secret passages that lead to the Tower of the Hand, right?

Varys: Of course.

Tyrion: So tell me how to get to the Tower of the Hand.

Varys: Dude, you’ve got a boat to catch.

Tyrion: I SAID TELL ME!

For some reason Varys tells him.

Tyrion: Okay, bye.

Varys: Where the hell are you going?

Tyrion: I’ll be back, asshat. You gave me the directions, after all.

Varys: But…

Tyrion climbs up a ladder and a bunch of other tunnels to the Tower of the Hand. It’s a difficult climb and Tyrion is exhausted. But he makes it up, and emerges out of the Tower of the Hand.

He sees someone sleeping in the bed… the bed that used to be his, but how belongs to his asshole father.

Tyrion: Well, well, well father. I see that you’ve lost some weight, grown some boobs and now look like Sh….. SHAE?!

Shae: Uhhm…. Oh shit.

Shae is laying there in Lord Tywin’s bed, naked other than the chain of the Hand of the King that she is wearing.

Shae: Soooo… uh… baby, baby, baby. What had happened was—

Tyrion: Oh… you are in such deep shit.

Shae: SHE MADE ME! The queen! She learned about me and made me! I’m sorry sorry, I love you so much and I meant everything I ever said about loving y--*UGHHHHHHH*

But Tyrion has grabbed the chain around her neck and slowly strangles her with it.

Shae: …

Tyrion: Yep. This is how it’s going down, bitch. Sorry!

She dies. Because Tyrion slowly choked the life out of her. Yep.

Tyrion gets out of bed and looks around.

Tyrion: Oh hey look! A crossbow.

Tyrion then hears some whistling in the bathroom. He goes over.

Tyrion: Hey dad!

Tywin: AGH!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?! Oh… OH SHIT! Son! I’m taking a dump here.

Tyrion: Well, I can see that, asshole.

Tywin: Put that crossbow down.

Tyrion: DUDE. YOU’RE EXECUTING ME!

Tywin: Whaaaaaaa? Me? Noooooo! That was never going to happen, man. You know I wasn’t actually going to go through with all that. Yeah. Uhm. Totally. I was going to free you, right before the execution. Yeah. *shifty eyes* I was going to let you take up the black and send you to the Wall. It was all the big plan!

Tyrion: TYSHA! What did you do with Tysha?

Tywin: Who the fuck is Tysha?

Tyrion: MY WIFE! Remember? The one I married? Then you made me watch her—

Tywin: Oh right, right. That whore.

Tyrion: SHE WASN’T A WHORE! DON’T CALL HER A WHORE!

Tywin: I mean, okay. Sure. Whatever you say, son.

Tyrion: I ASKED YOU, WHERE DID SHE GO?!

Tywin: I dunno. Probably Whore Island or something.

Tyrion shoots the crossbow.

Tywin: AGH!!!! YOU SHOT ME IN THE DICK!

Tyrion: So I did.

Tywin: ON THE TOILET!

Tyrion: Correct.

Tywin: And… and… I think I’m shitting myself as I die.

Tyrion: Yes, I can smell it.

Tywin: I’m a really feared and respected character. This is a super embarrassing way to go.

Tyrion: It is.

Tywin: *dies*

Tyrion: Hahaha… look at that! I murdered my dad! And everyone said he shits gold. But he doesn’t, does he? He shits shit! Hahahaha! OH MY GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE?! THIS BASICALLY LEAVES CERSEI IN CHARGE NOW. WHAT A HORRIBLE IDEA.

Tyrion drops the crossbow and runs back towards the secret passages.

ASoS 76: Jon XI

Jon is sparring with a recruit in the courtyard when Melisandre walks up.

Mel: Hey sexy. I hear you like redheads. So you wanna fuck my brains out or what?

Jon: Well, that was rather direct. I’ve never met you before. Generally when you meet someone new for the first time, you begin with a “hello.”

Mel: Oh, I’ve seen you before. In my dreams. Tell me… are you exhausted?

Jon: What? Exhausted? No. Why?

Mel: Because you’ve been RUNNING IN MY HEAD all night.

Jon: Oh. Yikes. That’s a bad pickup line.

Mel: I lost my number. Can I have yours?

Jon: No. That one is awful too.

Mel: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.

Jon: Slightly better, but I’m not feeling it.

Mel: If I told you that you had a sexy body, would you hold it against me?

Jon: Ye-… I mean N-… damnit. That’s a trick question, isn’t it?

Mel: Seriously though. Stannis wants to see you.

Jon: What does he want?

Mel: Everything you have to give. Which is, coincidentally, also what I want from you. Now come with me.

Jon: Wait… C-O-M-E or C-U-M with you?

Mel: *sigh* The former.

Jon: You’re SURE that I’m going to Stannis and you’re not just going to take me to your kinky, goth girl sex dungeon, right?

Mel: Shut up. You’re going to see Stannis. Don’t give me ideas though if you’re not willing to go through with them.

Oh, Jon thinks Mel is hot. There is no doubt about that. But what does he know about this crazy witch woman? For all he knows she could be some sort of ugly, hundred-year-old witch that only looks cute because that magical talisman around her neck or some shit. Wouldn’t that be crazy? Also, there is something about keeping his vows that he thinks he needs to follow, especially because a bunch of people who are already accusing him of being a traitor.

Anyway, he follows her up the cage to the top of the Wall, where Stannis is waiting.

In the cage, he notices that she even smells like fire. And she’s barely wearing anything even though it’s freezing.

Jon: Girl, you smell like BBQ. And do you need a jacket?

Mel: The Lord’s fire lives within me. I am never cold.

Jon: Whatevs.

They reach the king himself. Well, one of them.

Stannis: Ah, Lord Snow I see. I have heard much about you.

Jon: Well, the whole “Lord Snow” thing is sort of a mocking insult. So, you know, I don’t really like to be addressed that way.  And don’t believe every story you heard about me. Especially if it comes from assholes like Slynt.

Stannis: Oh, I knew Slynt back in King’s Landing. So I know he’s an untrustworthy douche.  I also knew your father, and I knew he was an honorable and honest man.  They say it is you that found the dragonglass daggers that this Tarly fellow used to slay the Other. They say it is you that held the gate at Castle Black, defending it until my army arrived.

Jon: Yep. True and true. Well, Donal Noye had the gate, really. Until he died.

Stannis: Yes, Noye would have made a good Lord Commander. Too bad he’s dead and we’re left with the rest of these assholes.

Jon: Well, Cotter Pyke and Ser Mallister seem like good enough dudes. Mormont trusted them.

Stannis: Mormont trusted a lot of people he shouldn’t have trusted and it got him his ass dead, didn’t it?

Jon: Too soon.

Stannis: They say you also found that magical horn thing and captured Mance Rayder’s child.

Jon: Well, “captured” is a bit strong of a word. His wife was giving birth and she died. I didn’t do much else.  Hey… quick question… right before that happened I watched an eagle in the air suddenly burst into flames for no reason. Did Fire Woman over here have anything to do with that?

But before Stannis can answer himself…

Mel: The Lord of Light has fiery talons, Jon Snow!

Jon: You don’t need to use my full name every time you talk to me. It’s sort of creepy. So, are you trying to say you did it?

Mel: Yeppers.

Jon: Oh, and also your Grace, since you bring up that baby… Val asked if Mance could see his son before you… ya know… set him on fire and watched him burn alive.

Stannis: Why should I do this honor for some deserter of the Night’s Watch?

Jon: Well, the Free Folk have their own type of weird honor system. It’s not like Mance or Tormund or anyone like that are terrible guys. It’s more like they’re just… libertarians or something.

Stannis: And Rattleshirt?

Jon: Nah, fuck that guy. You can set him on fire if you want. My point is, those guys aren’t the real enemy. They just wanted to cross the Wall to escape the Others.

Stannis: Yes. I also used to think another war was the war I need to win. But my true fight is here. Against them.

Mel: The Others! They are led by the God of Night and Terror!

Stannis: Jon, you had a brother named Robb who defied me and claimed to be a king of his own. What he should have done is bent the knee and remained Lord of Winterfell. In order to keep the peace here, we need a Lord of Winterfell. One that is loyal to me.

Jon: Uhh… I’m not exactly sure what you’re getting at here. I mean, I can kind of guess… but… you know, it’s not like it matters. There is no Winterfell. Theon Greyjoy destroyed it. And my father has no more legitimate sons left. That was also Theon's doing. Well, and the Freys.

Stannis: Winterfell can be rebuilt and bastards can be made legitimate… by kings! You know, like me. Hint! Hint!

Jon: I… uhh… wow! I mean… I took a vow to the Night’s Watch. To hold no lands. To father no children.

Mel: You made vows to a fucking stupid tree. The gods of the North are no real gods. Only R’hllor, Lord of Light!

Jon: Way to win me over, lady. Make fun of my religion right to my face.

Jon feels guilty. He used to fantasize about becoming lord of Winterfell as a kid. Now could it be coming true?

Stannis: I have been talking to this Mance Rayder that you respect so much. I agree with his plans to let the Wildlings through. I wish for them to settle here in the North and ally with us against our common foe, the Others. Rayder himself must be executed though, for his treasons and for naming himself a king when only I am. The Wildling Princess though… she will live.

Jon: You mean Val? She's not exactly a princess. Unless having a nice ass makes you a princess. In which case, yeah.

Stannis: Yes. And she must marry you, the Lord of Winterfell, to ensure a Wildling-Stark alliance.

Jon: Hahaha, she’s kind of hot if blondes are your thing. But… you know… I doubt she’d agree to that. These Free Folk gals don’t roll that way.

Mel: Plus Jon probably likes redheads more anyway. *winks*

Jon: Errrrmm…

Stannis throws a hand on Jon’s shoulder.

Stannis: Say nothing of what we’ve discussed here today to anyone else. But when you return… all you have to do is say the words… pledge fealty to me and I will name you Jon Stark, Lord of Winterfell!

ASoS 75: Samwell IV

Sam watches Jon give a half-smile at Gilly,as she’s nursing Mance Rayder’s newborn son. Why isn’t the child’s mother, Dalla, nursing her boy?

Val: BECAUSE SHE DIED IN CHILDBIRTH, JUST LIKE I SAID SHE WOULD!

Jon: *sigh* Okay, okay. You called it. Geez, I’m sorry.

Now get ready for a lot more flashback / in media res shit!

Sam and Gilly, who we last saw at the Nightfort, walked all the way to the Queensgate. There they had been jpined by Denys Mallister, Bowen Marsh, Giant, Dolorous Edd, Dywen, and maybe some other characters I’m forgetting.  They were all pretty surprised that his fat, incompetent ass was still alive.

They told Sam everything that had happened recently… you know… all this shit that we just skipped over between two chapters ago and now. Stannis’s battle against the Wildlings. Mance was taken captive and Stannis decided to set up shop in Castle Black, taking residence inside of one of the towers.

From there Sam went to Castle Black, and met up with Pyp, Grenn and the others. They told him all about Stannis’s flaming banner and the “Red Witch.”  Sam also learned about Jon. Even though Jon captured the Horn of Winter and Mance’s son, this new Janos Slynt asshole and Alliser Thorne has declared that he was still a traitor.

Sam: There. Am I all caught up yet?

Val: No. You missed the part about me telling you that the Red Witch wants to give Mance to the fire because he has “King’s Blood.”

Sam: Oh, right.

Jon: Well, I mean he is a Night’s Watch deserter. Which means he is supposed to be hanged by us anyway.

Sam: Right. Because people who break their vows deserve to be executed.

Jon: Yeah, ri---ohhhhh, I see what you did there, Sam. Good one. *sigh*

Sam can tell that Jon misses Ygritte.

Jon: And don’t be acting like you ain’t mackin’ yourself, Sam. I see you and Gilly.

Sam: I… umm… err…

Jon: You know you can’t keep her, right? She’s not a pet. And girls aren’t allowed here.

Sam: Well, uhh… maybe I can claim that the baby is mine. And send her and the kid off to Horn Hill for my mom to raise. My dad might even respect me a little if he think I got laid.

Jon: Hrm. Maybe. Maybe.

Val: Hey, not to interrupit this stirring conversation, but while we’re on the topic of babies… can I at least show Mance his son before he’s executed?

Jon: I dunno. Apparently Stannis wants to see me. I guess I can ask. But no promises. He probably wants me executed or something.

Sam: No way, Jon! Only Thorne and his stupid cronies believe that you’re a turncloak. Everyone else knows you’re the true hero that helped to save and defend the Wall. Stannis will listen to you.

Jon: Thorne is of noble birth. And I’m just some warg that dreams of jumping into my wolf’s body. Not that I do that anymore. I haven’t seen Ghost in so long. *sigh* He’s probably gone forever.  All I dream of now is the crypts below Winterfell.

Speaking of the crypts below Winterfell… that’s where Bran was hiding when Winterfell burned. Sam desperately wanted to tell Jon all about Bran still being alive. But he can’t. He swore an oath to that Coldhands guy that he would never tell. And so he must keep that oath.

Jon: Anyway… it doesn’t matter what Stannis believes in the end. The Night’s Watch is independent of the wars of the Seven Kingdoms. The new Lord Commander will decide my fate. And that new Lord Commander will likely be Slynt.

Sam: No way! People hate him.

Jon: Yeah… well… he’s still going to win it.

And with that, they part ways. Jon goes to train new recruits while he awaits whatever is supposed to happen to him next. A meeting with Stannis? An execution? Whatever.

Sam goes off to the maester’s keep to help with the wounded, and then goes to the rookery to feed the ravens.

Raven: *squawk* We’re useful plot devices *squawk*

Sam: Hrm. Yes. You ravens are useful plot devices, aren’t you? I’ll have to remember that in the very near future.

As he’s doing his duties, Sam thinks that either Denys Mallister or Cotter Pyke will win the election as the next Lord Commander. But then he remembers that both have been LOSING votes in the last several rounds of voting, while Slynt has been gaining. But none of them have enough votes to win.

At dinner that night…

Pyp: Haha, of COURSE there is going to be a dinner scene with Sam!

Grenn: Yeah, because he’s fat!

Sam: Shut up, you two.

Sam looks across the dining hall and sees that Slynt has been given a better and more central seat at the big-wig dining table than either Mallister or Pyke.

Pyp: Hey, look over there. Thorne is talking to Othell Yarwyck. I bet he’s trying to buy some more votes for Slynt.

Bowen Marsh then stands up.

Marsh: I withdraw my name from the candidacy for Lord Commander, and recommend that everybody that was voting for me instead vote for Janos Slynt!

Sam: Ugh. That’s the worst.

And so a new ballot is taken. Sam and Clydas help Master Aemon count the votes.

Aemon: Okay… okay… so in first place we have… MALLISTER!

Slynt: DAMNIT!

But as Aemon reads the vote tallies, it’s clear that Mallister doesn’t have enough points to secure a majority. And Slynt has still been gaining votes. That means another round of voting will be required the next day.

Sam: Mallsiter and Pyke have nearly two thirds of the votes between them. If one or the other were to drop out and endorse the other… then that person would win and Slynt would lose. But if they BOTH stay in… their votes will continue to erode away and Slynt will wind up taking this whole thing. Someone needs to convince one of them to drop out!

Pyp: Someone, huh?

Sam: Yeah!

Pyp: Well it’s your idea, asshole. Good luck.

Sam: No! Wait… I don’t mean me! I mean… uhh… SHIT!!!

ASoS 74: Arya XIII

The Hound and Arya are traveling the countyside and stuff.

Hound: Hey look, an inn! I want to go inside. Inns have alcohol, and I like that.

Arya: Are you sure that’s a good idea? You're already super drunk from that booze that you got earlier. Plus in this book series, bad things usually happen in inns. Like confrontations between warring factions and stuff.

Hound: No. It's not a good idea. But I’m a giant dude and skilled fighter. So, you know… what’s the worst that can happen?

They go inside and Arya immediately recognized the Tickler and Polliver. They are with some crappy squire.

Arya: HOLY SHIT! TWO PEOPLE ON MY KILL LIST!

Squire: HEY LOOK! That dude has a burnt face! Is that Joffrey’s pet Hound? You know… The Mountain’s brother? The coward who ran away from Kings Landing?

All the locals in the bar recognize that some shit is about to start. They quietly pick up their things and leave.

Polliver: Holy crap, it IS the Hound!

Hound: Yeah. So? Hey, aren’t you those assholes that hang out with my asshole brother?

Polliver: Indeed. But he’s gone off to Kings Landing now. Hey – speaking of King’s Landing… did you hear that Joffrey is dead?

Hound: Meh. Who cares?

Arya: WHAT?! But I WANTED TO KILL HIM!

Arya thinks she should be happier that he is dead. She KNOWS she should be happier. But she really, really, really hoped to do it herself. All slow and painful. Some real torture. The kind of sick shit that the Tickler would be really in to.

Polliver: Yeah, it was the Imp and his whore wife, that Stark girl, who did it.

Arya: Huh? His wife? Are they talking about Sansha? Marrying Tyrion?! That doesn’t make any sense at all. She only likes pretty things.

Polliver: Yeah. The Stark girl fled though. So now she’s missing. But Tyrion is in jail and is sentenced to death.

Hound: Hahaha, that’s pretty hilarious. Sansa shit on the Imp’s head and then left. Sweet. Of course they’ll probably catch her. That girl is dumb as a brick.

Arya: It’s true.

Polliver: Yeah, they’ll find her just like they found her sister.

Arya: Say what now?!

Polliver: You know, that dumb “Arya” girl. She’s been found and is heading off to marry Roose Bolton’s bastard child.

The Hound turns and looks at Arya. Then he starts laughing uncontrollably.

Arya: I am so confused.

Tickler: So Hound… are you planning on going to your brother?

Hound: Bugger that! And bugger you two.

Suddenly, a table is thrown over. Polliver and Tickler attack. The squire attempts to join in the battle too, but…

Arya: *THWACK*

Arya slams a wine goblet right in the squire’s face.

Squire: UNGH!!! YOU BNOKE MY NODE!

The Hound counter-attacks the two, but isn’t doing that well. After all, he is totally shitfaced drunk.  The two swing their weapons at the Hound, and one of the slices cuts deep.

Hound: AGHH!

Arya: Oh no! He’s about to lose! Quick… I must… uhh…

She grabs the dagger that she was given before, and throws it at the Tickler. But it only grazes him.

Tickler: OW! You bitch! Why I oughtta…

Arya: You what? Punk! Just watch me---UNGH!

Suddenly, Arya is grabbed from behind by the squire.

Squire: Hey look! I got her! I got her! Aren’t I talented and skilled?

Arya: Not really.

Arya looks down as the boy holds her and notices that he has a dagger in his belt. She easily twists her arms out of his grasp and grabs the blade. She stabs him.

Squire: AGGHH!!! I’m… I’m… stabbed!...

Ayra: Quite observant. That’s not the first time I did that to an annoying boy. Or the second. Or the third. I’m pretty much a tween serial killer.

He falls to the floor, bleeding.

Polliver and the Tickler get The Hound in a corner.

Polliver: Yield!

Hound: Uhh… no.

He takes a swing with his sword and cuts Polliver’s head half-way off.

Polliver: *says nothing because his head is swinging off of his neck*

Tickler: Oh SNAP!

The Ticker begins to back away slowly.

Right into Arya.

*STAB*

Ticker: AGHH!!!! What the?

Arya: Hey, you probably don’t remember me, but I was in that village… remember? Back when you took everyone one at a time and tortured and murdered them? You were trying to get info from innocent village people about Beric. Yet nobody knew anything. You killed them all anyway. What was it said? Oh right… Is there gold hidden in the village? *STAB* Silver, gems? *STAB*STAB* Is there food? *STAB* Where is Lord Beric? *STAB* Which of you village folk helped him? *STAB*STAB*STAB* Where did he go? *STAB* How many men did he have with him? *STAB* How many knights? *STAB*STAB*STAB*STAB*STAB*STAB* How many bowmen? *STAB* How many were horsed? *STAB* How are they armed? *STAB* How many wounded? *STAB*STAB*STAB*STAB*STAB*STAB*STAB*STAB*

The Hound comes up to Arya and pulls her off as she keeps stabbing.

Hound: Okay, okay. That’s enough. I SAID THAT’S ENOUGH. He looks like a sack of cherry jello mixed with bones now. That was some sick, sick shit you just did. He looks like those autopsy photos of the dead hookers that Jack the Ripper eviscerated.

Arya: Thanks!

Hound: I didn’t necessarily mean it as a complement.

Arya: Well, our work here is done!

Squire: No! No it’s not! I’m still here! And I’m bleeding! HELP! Please! I’m so sorry!

Hound: Ugh. Look at that. You went and stabbed that boy in the gut. Now he’s going to die slowly.

Arya: No he’s not. Because I remember one additional thing about Polliver!

Hound: What’s that?

Arya goes over to the near-decapitated Polliver and brings her hand down to his belt, where he has a second sword sheath. She pulls the sword out.

It’s NEEDLE!!!!!!!

Arya: I missed you so much, my old friend!

She walks over to the boy.

Squire: Hey! I’m innocent! I’m just a squire! I was just travelling with those guys! I didn’t—

*STAB*

Arya then licks the boy’s blood off the sword and it makes her shiver some sort of weird, erotic shiver of pleasure.

Hound: You are all sorts of sick in the head, girl.  Anyway, we can’t stay here now. Not with this bloodbath.  We need to head to the Saltpans and take a ship to the Vale. There I can sell you to your Aunt or whatever.

And so they mount their horses and leave. But the Hound is clearly struggling up on his horse.

Arya: Hey, that wound you got back there in the battle… it looks pretty bad. You sure we don’t need to stop and treat that or something?

Hound: Shut up. I’ll be fine.

He almost falls of his horse several more times before they reach the Trident River that night.

Arya: Geez. How many more times am I going to meet up with this river?

They make camp for the night, and the Hound has Arya pour some boiling hot wine over his wounds.

Arya: You know, cauterizing it with FIRE would be a lot easier.

Hound: You shut your mouth with that “fire” bullshit.

*SSSSSSSTTTT*

Hound: AGHH!!!!!!

The Hound passes out. Arya tries to fix him up. But then again, she’s a little girl and all she knows is how to kill people. Not how to make them better.

As the Hound sleeps, Arya goes over her list again.

Arya: Let’s see, let’s see. Oh goodie! I get to cross off more people! *ahem* Joffrey Baratheon, Chiswyck, Gregor Clegane, Dunsen, Queen Cersei, Amory Lorch, Ilyn Payne, Polliver, Raff the Sweetling, The Tickler, Meryn Trant, and Weese. Hrm.


Arya then remembers something.

Arya: Wait a second. I didn’t include The Hound on my list this time. Was that some mistake? Why did I leave him off? Do I not want to kill him anymore? After all… I literally just helped to disinfect his wound and patch him up. But he killed Mycah. Why am I not just murdering him in his sleep? Hrm.

She goes on to think about more stuff. Like what her dad used to say.

Ned: The lone wolf dies while the pack survives. Or some bullshit like that. Maybe it was “Don’t turn your back on the wolfpac. You might wind up in a body bag.”

Arya: No, fictional fantasy vision of my dead dad. That’s not what you said. That’s what the nWo: Wolfpac song said.  Also, it’s dumb because “pac” and “bag” don’t rhyme, and yet it was being used in a song as if it rhymed.

The next morning, the Hound wakes and they get to traveling again. But they barely go half a day before, exhausted, the Hound stops and falls off of his horse. He’s sweating profusely and grabbing at his painful wounds.

Arya: Oh bish, you gonna die.

Hound: Shut up and get me some water.

Arya: Okay.

Arya goes off and gets him some water.  She comes back with the water, but also with Needle drawn.

Hound: Ah, I see how it is.

Arya looks down. She didn’t even realize she pulled it out.

Hound: Well, get on with it then. DO IT ALREADY!

Arya: I… uhm…

Hound: GO ON! You remember what I did to that butcher’s boy! You’ve reminded me about it like 46 times on our trip! I KILLED HIM! Now do it!

Arya: …

Hound: And your sister… I never told you… but that night in the castle… I planned to fuck her bloody.

Arya: Hahaha, she would have deserved it. I hate her. But also... gross.

Hound: Wow, not the answer I was expected. I’m not sure why. Anyway… do me like you did that squire boy! A real wolf should finish off a wounded dog!

Arya sheaths Needle.

Arya: Nah. You don’t deserve the gift of mercy. You should have helped me save my mother. Die slow.

She gets up on her horse and rides away.

The Hound: Well fuck. I guess I’ll just die then. Or maybe come back as some sort of Gravedigger. I guess we’ll see!

Six days later, Arya comes to a small town.

Arya: Is this the Saltpans? I don’t even know. There is a port here though.

She realizes she’ll have to sell her horse and everything in order to pay for passage on a ship out of here. She makes a deal with some woman who totally cheats her. Arya knows she’s being cheated… but what the hell can she do about it?

She walks up with the few coins she has to a ship Captain. But she doesn’t want to go to the frickin’ Vale to see her stupid aunt like Clegane wanted. Oh no… she has another idea…

Arya: Hey there, can you take me to Eastwatch? I want to go to see my brother, Jon.

The Captain: Uhm. We’re not going near Eastwatch. The North has nothing but ice and wars and pirates.

Arya: Well, those two things sound really cool. Anyway, I have money! See?

She shows her what she got for the horse – a few copper coins, some pocket lint, and a Bazooka Joe wrapper. 

Arya: Haha, Joe asked Mort what was wrong, and Mort said that he had a dream about eating a marshmallow. But when he woke up, his pillow was gone! Classic Bazooka Joe!


Captain: That’s not near enough money, dumb girl. And even if it were… we’re going to Braavos.

Arya: Wait… what? Did you say “Braavos?”

Captain: Yes. It’s where we’re from.

Arya: Wait a sec… wait… I… uhm… where is that?!…

She digs through her pockets and finds her other coin. The one Jaqen H’ghar gave her.

She pulls it out and puts it in the palm of the Captain.

Arya: Valar morghulis.

Captain: OH SHIT! Why didn’t you just say so in the first place? I… uhh… I mean, “Valar dohaeris.”  Now com, gurl. We’ll have a cabin for you.

Arya: With cable TV?

Captain: Fuck you, now you’re asking for a bit too much. Get your squirrely lil’ ass on board. We’re goin’ to Braavos. 

ASoS 73: Jon X

Jon is in the cage/elevator thing, going down the Wall. He thinks about the dreams he had when he was a kid about being the Lord of Winterfell one day. They were foolish dreams, since he knows he was always a bastard. And pretty much all the rest of his family would have to die in order for him to inherit anything. Although… hey… that’s pretty close to being actually true, huh?

Jon: Oh well. I guess I’m going to die soon anyway. I’ll only be remembered as an oathbreaker and a murderer. Which is a shame because it’s not true. Well. I mean. I did break by oath by sleeping with Ygritte. But, you know, that’s sort of just a little oath that nobody cares about anyway. *sigh* I should have just stayed in that cave with Ygritte like she said. Neither of us would be dead then. Or maybe we would both be dead of starvation or something. Who knows?

Jon then flashes back to earlier that day, because IN FUCKING MEDIA RES, MAN. 

Earlier, Janos Slynt was trying to decide what to do with Jon when Aemon came in, pleading Jon’s case and saying he was a stand-up bro. Even though Aemon can’t really tell when Jon is standing up or not. Because he’s blind.

Jon: Yeah, narrator. We got it.

Anyway, Aemon’s words didn’t move Janos Slynt because Slynt is an absolute douchebag. He’s pretty much the human equivalent of a trash can next to a college boy’s computer – e.g. he’s a mix of empty Ramen noodle and Hot Pocket containers, mixed amongst a huge pile of wadded up cum tissues.

Jon: Okay, gross. Please move on.

And although Aemon’s words didn’t move Slynt, a messenger also came into the room.

Messenger: Hey, Mance Rayder wants us to send out some sort of envoy to meet with him and parley with him.

Slynt: Haha, yeah! Let’s send out Jon!

Thorne: Hehe. YES.

Jon: WHAT?! That dude will kill me! I pretended to join the Wildlings and betrayed them. If you send me, I’ll die.

Slynt: Yeah, that’s sort of the point. Besides, I don’t intend for you to actually parlay with him.

Jon: No?

Throne: Yeah. We’re sending you out to meet with Mance Rayder. But your orders are not to agree to any terms with him. Your orders are to kill him.

Jon: WHAT!? But he’ll be surrounded by his THOUSANDS of camp followers in his army. Chances are I’ll never make it to him, because I’ll be killed first. If somehow I survive and actually meet with him, then I’ll likely be killed before I can kill him. And if I somehow do overcome ALL OF THAT and kill him anyway… ten once I do so, I will CERTAINLY be killed.

Slynt: Correct.

Thorne: So it’s pretty much a win-win for me. Bye, Jon.

Okay, John is done flashing back to earlier now.

Jon: *sigh* Oh well, I guess in the end my honor doesn’t matter. Only the kingdom matters. I will be killed no matter what the result of my assassination mission is. Fucking Slynt and Thorne!

He exits the wall on the North side and is met by a single rider from the Wildling camp.

Tormund: OH SHIT… it’s YOU?! Ah-HAHAHAHA!

Jon: Oh, hey there, bear fucker.

Tormund: Oh my gawd, this is going to be so classic. You will be so dead.

Jon: Yep.

Tormund: I kinda knew it. Hey, what ever happened to all those people that were sent out on that party with you? You know… the Magnar of Thenn… Jarl… all those assholes?

Jon: They’re all dead.

Tormund: That cute redhead girl?

Jon: Ygritte.

Tormund: Yeah, her.

Jon: Dead.

Tormund: Aw, bro. That sucks. She was H-A-W-T. Did you at least get some of that ginger patch before she died?

Jon: You bet your ass I did.

They high five.

Tormund: Okay, well. Time to take you to your death now.

They go to Mance Rayder’s tent. Outside…

Mance: Well, well, well. Look who showed up to my tent wearing a FUCKING BLACK COAT.

Jon: Yeah… about that…

All of Mance’s companions and friends urge Mance to kill Jon. But these are shit characters like Harma Dogshead and Varamyr Sixskins. So you don’t need to worry much about them.

Varamyr: I really don’t like this narrator.

Jon: Tell me about it.

Mance: Okay shithead. Why are you here?

Jon: Uh…  to parlay with you. Definitely not to kill you. *shifty eyes*

Mance: Really? And what terms do you have?

Jon: Well, you know… you should probably surrender soon and stuff. The Wall is, like, super awesome and full of amazing troops. Tons of them. And all really well trained. Better you just turn around and go home, cancelling this war and everything.

Mance: Nope. Not true. I know it’s not. Why? Because Varamyr here took over Orell’s eagle after you killed Orell.

Varamyr: Once a beast’s been joined to a man, any skinchanger can slip inside and ride him!

Jon: …

Mance: …

Tormund: …

Harma: …

Varamyr: What? What?

Jon: …

Mance: …

Tormund: …BA-HAHAHAHA! Sorry. I can’t take it anymore.

Everyone else starts giggling too.

Varamyr: WHAT?!

Tormund: It sounds like you fuck animals, dude.

Jon: It really does.

Mance: Yes, this is true.

Jon: Yes, it’s sounds like what you were saying was that Orell fucked this eagle. And the eagle didn’t like it at first. Or at the very least was excessively confused. But then after a while, the eagle got used to it. Perhaps the eagle even liked it. Then, with the eagle all buttered up by Orell, now it’s used to people fucking it. So then you just came up and fucked it too. 

Varamyr: NO! NO! What I was saying didn’t sound anything like that! Gross!

Tormund: Are you sure? Because that’s what it sounded like.

Mance: *AHEM*... ANYWAY, moving back to what I was saying… the eagle flew around and looked at all of your forces on the other side of the wall. And it was pathetic. You’re poorly staffed and depleted of reserves. Another few days of fighting and you’ll be totally defeated.

Jon: Ah. So you know all that then, huh?

Mance: Yep.

Jon: Damn. Well. Uhh…

Mance: Well, let’s go into my tent and talk a little more.

Varamyr: Wait. Why are you bringing him into the tent like some sort of special guest? We should be killing him now!

Tormund: Shut up, eagle fucker.

Varamyr: DUDE! Who are you to give me shit? It's literally your thing that you had sex with a bear! 

Mance and Jon go into the tent, where they are now alone.

Jon: Ah! The perfect circumstance to kill Mance now!

Until Jon realizes that they aren’t alone at all. Mance’s two women are also in there… his wife, the heavily pregnant Dalla, and her sister, Val.

Jon: Oh, I guess I can’t murder him in front of his heavily pregnant wife. That would just be messed up and not cool.

Val: What are you saying?

Jon: Uhhh…. Nothing. Hey! Val! Weren’t you married to Jarl or something like that?

Val: Well, Free Folk don’t really have a concept of marriage, but yeah… I “stole” him, which is sort of what you meant. By the way, why are you referring to my relationship with him in the past tense? Where is he? Didn’t he go with you on some mission to cross the Wall?

Jon: Ah. Well, he fell off the Wall and died. He hit a bunch of trees and shit on the way down. His body got MESSED UP. It was rough. It was battered and broken and torn apart. It’s one of the most fucked up things I’ve seen in my life. And I’ve seen a lot. I’ve seen people I used to know rise from the dead and I set them on fire.

Val: Oh. Wow. Uh. So I guess I’m single then.

Dalla: *SCREAMS IN PAIN*

Jon: Da fuq?

Mance: Oh, she’s going into labor.

Jon: What? Like… RIGHT NOW?

Mance: Yep.

Jon: In this tent? That you just invited me into? Why would you invite me into this tent if your wife is about to give birth in here?

Mance: Meh, whatever. I need to tell you about shit, man. Like the Horn of Winter.

Jon: The Horn of Jaromír Jágr?

Mance: Joramund. But whatever you want to call it, man.

Jon: Ygritte told me that you never found it.

Mance: Well, I lied. I did.

Jon: SAY WHAT?

Mance: Yeah, I could use it’s magical powers to bring down the Wall. All I have to do is blow this horn and the Wall crashes down.

Jon: Bullshit. Do you know how hard it is to randomly find an old horn? Pretty impossible. I mean. Not 100% impossible, since I found an OLD, CRACKED, OBSIDIAN HORN THAT I GAVE TO SAM AND FOR SOME REASON I SELDOM THINK ABOUT NOW WHENEVER PEOPLE TALK TO ME ABOUT THE HORN OF WINTER.

Mance: Okay.

Jon: But if you really hved it… why wouldn’t you have used it by now?

Mance: Dumbass. Do you know what happens if the Wall comes tumbling down?

Jon: You get to go through. You know, like you want to.

Mance: Yes. But WHY do we want to go through?

Jon: Uhh… I dunno. Just to make life fucking miserable for everyone who lives down there.

Mance: No, dickwad. Why does everyone misunderstand us? We want to cross to the other side of the Wall in order TO LIVE. That’s why we were all gathering up as an army and coming South. To SURVIVE. To escape the Others.

Jon: Ah, right. That too.

Mance: And if the Wall comes tumbling down and we pass through… do you know who else can pass through?

Jon: Oh… oh… THE OTHERS. Right. I get it now.

Mance: So I’m not saying we WON’T use the horn. I don’t want to. My hope is that you either let us through… or that we defeat you in battle and force our way through. But if I have to… if you make us… then I’ll use it to help us escape and live a little longer. But it don’t be a LOT longer. Because, as noted, the Others will come through after.  The Wall is magic that keeps them on that side. With the Wall down, everyone is fucked.

Jon: Hrm. Interesting. So the Night’s Watch pretty much HAS to let you through in order to save your lives… or else you’ll use the Horn to bring down the Wall, which will allow the Others to kill EVERYONE in the Seven Kingdoms eventually.

Mance: Yes.

Jon: Well, this is quite the pickle of a situation because I’m not even supposed to be parlaying with you and… even if I go back to the Wall to give Slynt this news… he’ll not believe you, say no, and execute me for not killing you.

Mance: Yep.

Jon: So tell me... are you a true king?

Mance: I don’t even know what you mean by that.

Jon: I mean… if you pass through the Wall… will you be able to lead your people? Make them obey the laws of the land? Not go around murdering innocent people? All that shit?

Mance: Our people are not kneelers… either to Winterfell or to Kings Landing. We will not obey the laws of your kings. But… yes… we will make order. We will create our own laws.

Jon: I believe you, dude. I really do. And you seem like a cool guy. But Slynt is never going to go for this shit.

Mance: Well, you have three days to make him. Because in three days, I will sound the horn. 

Jon sees a horn in the room.

Jon: Oh shit! Is that it right there?

Mance: Yes.

Jon: Well, if I just smash it right now, then—

Suddenly a horn sounds.

Jon: AGH!!!! HORN! OH NO! THAT WAS A DISTRACTION HORN! THE REAL HORN MUST BE SOMEWHERE ELSE AND YOUR MEN JUST SOUNDED IT! THE WALL IS ABOUT TO FALL! THE WALL IS ABOUT TO FALL AGHHHH!!!!

Jon runs around in circles. Mance just looks at him like he’s a dumbass.

Mance: Uh, no. This is the Horn of Winter here. I don’t know what that other horn was. I need to go investigate.

They go outside of the tent.

Varamyr: MANCE! Something is coming! From the East! An army!

Jon: Oh no! Is it the Others?

Mance: Well, it’s daytime. The Others never come at day.  If only we had someone who could go inside of an eagle and check that out.

Varamyr: HEY! You’re talking about me! I can go inside of eagles!

Tormund: *snicker*

Varamyr: Oh, fuck you, Tormund. Immature asshole.

Varamyr wargs into his eagle and goes to investigate. He then wargs out.

Varamyr: It’s an army of riders in black. Hundreds and hundreds of them! I dunno, maybe thousands. Eagles aren't good at math.

Mance: WHAT THE HELL, JON? Was you meeting with me some distraction for a sneak attack?

Jon: WHAT?! NO! Or… you know… if it was, I didn’t know about it. Slynt and Thorne are kind of giant fucks like that. Slynt is sort of like a college kid’s trash can, because he—

Mance: --Yeah, yeah. I get it. Cum tissues. This doesn’t make any sense. Your forces on the Wall were totally depleted. And they’re coming from the East.

Jon: Hrm. Eastwatch, maybe? No… Eastwatch is in even worse shape than Castle Black.

As the mystery forces approach, Mance’s army falls into disarray. Some start attacking and get killed.

Soldier: Iron men! Iron men surrounding the camp!

Jon: What. You mean, like, from the Iron Isles?

Soldier: No. Just men wearing iron.

Jon: Oh. 

Mance: Ugh. Damnit. What the hell is going on? I need to investigate and lead these men. Varamyr!!! Watch Jon!

Varamyr: Ugh. Really? I have the power to go inside of an eagle and you want me to just watch this traitor dude?

Tormund: *giggles* Eagle fucker!

Varamyr: *sigh* I think I’ll just go into the Eagle anyw---AGHHH!!!!

Jon watches as the eagle suddenly and mysteriously BURSTS INTO FUCKING FLAMES!

Varamyr: IT BURNS! IT BURNS! AGH!

Jon: Holy shit, that is crazy. Did anyone else see that? That eagle just spontaneously combusted. I'm not crazy, am I? Like... I didn't see a flaming arrow or anything shot at it. It just--

Val then runs out of the tent.

Val: MANCE! MANCE! MANCE! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?

Jon: Uhh… Mance left. A war has sort of just started.

Val: Well… his wife is crowning. RIGHT NOW.

Jon: Oh SNAP. I guess you have to deliver the baby.

Val: WHAT?! By myself?!

Jon: Yeah. Sure.

Val: I have no idea how to do that!

Jon: Oh, come on. It will be easy. What’s the worst that could happen?

Val: Dalla could die in child birth. 

Jon: True. But other than that, what's the worst--

Val: --Well, aren’t you just worthless.

Jon: Worthless? No. I’ll… uhm… stand outside of the tent here. And stand guard. You know. To protect you and stuff.

And so Jon watches and protects the tent as Val is delivering Dalla’s baby. He watches as the free folk are running and screaming. They’re retreating back into the woods.

Jon: Man, whoever this force is that is attacking is REALLY GOOD. What a competent and able military force. I wonder who its leader is.

The soldiers begin to come close enough so that Jon can hear their chants and see their banners. Banners with, like, little flaming horses on them and stuff.

Soldiers: FOR STANNIS! FOR STANNIS! FOR STANNIS!

Jon: --Wait… what? REALLY?! STANNIS?!

ASoS 72: Jaime IX

Jaime is bored as he watches King Tommen sign a bunch of orders and pieces of paper that the King needs to sign.

Tommen: WHEE! Being king is fun! I like signing things.

Kevan Lannister: Yes, well. Just sign these things that say Edmure and Blackfish Tully are traitors who deserve to be killed, a grant of land to Emmon Frey, the legitimization of Lord Bolton’s bastard son, and the raising for Rolph Spicer to be a Lord.

Jaime: Wow, nice way to slip in the thing about Ramsey Bolton in the middle so that it almost goes unnoticed. Smooth.

Jaime then thinks back on his training sessions with his left hand. He called upon Ser Addam Marbrand to help him swordfight. Needless to say, the training was disastrous.
 
Jaime: I hope Addam doesn’t go around talking to people about that shit. I hope that bitch knows how to keep things on the DL.  Man, I should have sparred with Ser Ilyn Payne instead. Because his tongue has been cut out and he can’t talk. Haha, that would be awesome. Like me and Ilyn Payne hanging out with one another. What a great buddy comedy that would be!

Bronn: What about hanging out with me instead?

Jaime: No. Ilyn Payne sounds much better.

With Tommen being done signing all the papers, Kevan now turns to Jaime.

Kevan: Jaime, this argument with your father really needs to end. You two need to be on the same page.

Jaime: Fuck that guy. I hate him. I hope he dies really, really soon.

Kevan: Aww, that’s a messed up thing to say. What if he does die really, really soon and you never get to make up with him before it’s too late? Then you could be haunted for the rest of your life!

Jaime: Or, you know, I could feel NOTHING at all just like I feel nothing about Joffrey being dead. Which do you think is more likely?

Kevan: …

Jaime: Besides, he sent me those mocking gifts!

Kevan: Mocking? Those gifts were heartfelt.

Jaime: He gave me a sword, Uncle. A SWORD! You know… to use with my cut-off hand. Pretty douchey.  Imagine you had just been stabbed in the eyes and were now blind. And then Tywin gives you a pair of sunglasses as a gift.

Kevan: I’d think that would be thoughtful, because it would allow me to hide my injured eyes from everyone. They won’t be creeped out looking at those milky, wounded eyes.

Jaime: *sigh* I just can’t with you.

Jaime walks away and goes to the ward, where he finds Steelshanks.

Jaime: Oh, HEY Steelshanks! I see you’re still around as a character. For surprisingly longer than I thought you’d be.

Steelshanks: Yes, well. I’m packing up all my things to leave now with “Arya Stark.” She’s going to marry Lord Bolton’s son, Ramsay.

Jaime: WTF? Arya Stark?

“Arya Stark” walks up.

Jeyne Poole: Hi, I’m Jeyne Poole.

Steelshanks elbows her in the ribs.

Jeyne Poole: Ow! I mean… uh… Arya Stark. Yes, I am Arya Stark.  I have an ugly horse face! My face is sooooooo ugly. Jeyne Poole is so glad I don't look like me at all. With my ugly face. Like a horse. A particularly ugly horse. If Jeyne looked like me it would be the worst. I bet she can't imagine people possibly mistaking us for each other. Like, you know, confusing us. If somebody was like, "I need someone to stand in for Arya," they would NEVER pick Jeyne Poole. Because she look nothing like me.

Jaime: That dialogue seems oddly familiar. But whatever! Who cares? Everyone who knows what Arya Stark looks like is dead, so it will probably work.

Steelshanks: Well, peace. Bye, bitch!

Steelshanks and “Arya” leave.

Jaime then turns to reflectively thinking about how The Mountain’s wounds are festering and he’s going to die soon. You know, because The Red Viper poisoned his spear. Also, even if the spear wasn’t poisoned… the Red Viper still skewered The Mountain like a kebab. Which is a pretty damn brutal thing to do in modern society, let alone a medieval society that doesn’t have good medicine or understand bacteria. Anyway, Lord Tywin refused to let Pycelle and the others hunt down The Red Viper’s compatriots from Dorne to learn more about what poison might have been used. That would just cause more trouble with Dorne, which is already pretty pissed off. Anything else and Stannis might sail there and make allies.

Next Jaime goes to his bedroom to get some rest. When he gets there, he sees someone already laying on his bed…

Cersei: Hey there, cowboy! I didn't put a saddle on my back, but you can still ride me... bareback.

She pats the bed seductively.

Jaime: Uh, I know this is going to sound strange coming from my mouth… but at this time I’m actually NOT in the mood to fuck my sister.

Cersei: Oh, come on! You know you want it! You’re probably just in a bad mood because you’re fighting with dad. You two should really make up or something.

Jaime: Why does everyone keep telling me to make amends with my father like he’ll only be around for a few more chapters?

Cersei: *blinks obliviously*

Jaime: Anyway, dad wants me to leave the Kingsguard so I can go home and rule Casterly Rock. Fuck that.

Cersei: Yeah, he wants me back there too. So that I’m kept away from Tommen and Kevan is his mentor. Boo! I’m a great mother and advisor for a king. Just look how great Joffrey turned out.

Jaime: …

Cersei: And the Tyrells are insisting that Tommen marry Margaery! GROSS! She’s twice his age and twice widowed. She’s bad luck! He’ll probably die too if he marries her.

Jaime: Meh.

Cersei: How can you say that about your own son?

Jaime: Hey bitch, you’re the one that told me to show the kids no affection.

Cersei: That was to protect them! Everyone had to think Robert was their father! If you were dawting over them the whole time, people would be suspicious.

Jaime: Well, you don’t have to worry about that because I could not give a shit about any of our kids.

Cersei: Oh come on! You have to care about them a LITTLE! What about Myrcella? What if she was in danger in Dorne! Wouldn’t you go on a mission to Dorne to save her?

Jaime: No, that doesn’t sound like me at all. Me going on a mission to Dorne to save Myrcella sounds really dumb, the plotwould be dumb and poorly executed, and the fans would hate it and mock the whole season.

Cersei: Ah.

Jaime: And I’m tired of this bullshit of us having to hide ourselves. I wish I could openly declare my love for you, just like the Targaryens didn’t care if everyone knew they banged each other. I’m done doing stuff like I did to that Stark boy?

Cersei: Huh?

Jaime: Remember? I threw him out the window!

Cersei: Oh yeah, right. Right. I was thinking of something else. You know our little shitty murdering dwarf imp brother accused me of sending some assassin with a blade after him. I thought maybe you were talking about that.

Jaime: Interesting. So that’s a real thing that happened, huh?

Cersei: Yeah. Why do you ask?

Jaime: Lady Catelyn accused ME of doing it too. So did you do it?

Cersei: WHAT? NO! Did you do it?

Jaime: No!

Cersei: Not that the kid should have lived or anything. Even Ned’s best friend, Robert, thought it was best that the poor kid die and said so… rather than suffer through life as a cripple.

Jaime: Was anyone there when Robert said that?

Cersei: Yeah, the kids.

Jaime: Ah. Well, then Joffrey probably ordered it. You know how he worshipped his "dad," even though he was an unloving shit that paid him no attention.

Cersei: This is the least satisfying resolution to that multi-book murder mystery plot that there could have been. Joffrey did it because he overhead his dad say that the kid should die? I expected a lot better plot twist than that.

Jaime: Okay. Let’s just say Myrcella did it then!

Cersei: Ugh. Don’t say things like that. Stop being weird and do something normal… like fuck your sister!

She lays back down on the bed again and spreads her legs.

Jaime: Ugh. No. I’m not in the mood!

Said no man ever to Lena Headey.

Cersei: Ugh. Did Vargo Hoat have your dick cut off too? You could have never protected Joffrey anyway, even if you did arrive in time. You’ve spent your whole life protecting our shitty brother, even though he murdered our son. You’re the worst. You’re a cripple and a disappointment!

Jaime: Well, you don’t take rejection very well.

Cersei storms out.

Jaime: Everyone is saying the Lannisters “won” this war. And yet here we are… I don’t have a hand, Joffrey was killed, and all the surviving Lannisters hate one another. Winning isn’t what it used to be.

Next, Jaime summons Loras and Brienne to his chambers.

Knight of Flowers: Whut?

Jaime: Have you two spoken and sorted this shit out yet?

Knight of Flowers: Well… I’m… uhh… no longer certain that Brienne had anything to do with Renly’s death. I mean she probably did. But I’m not certain.

Jaime: Yeah. Remember how the castellan of Storm’s End also died under mysterious circumstances like Renly. Probably some Stannis magic shit. Now leave. Except you, Brienne. You stay.

Loras leaves.

Jaime: Hey gurl. You look pretty in that dress.

Brienne: It’s odd that you’ve made gay jokes about Loras in the past, yet the only two women you seem to be attracted to are one that is your twin and looks just like you, and another who looks like a man.

Jaime: Shh! I have some stuff to talk about. Those Stark girls you swore to protect. Arya Stark, for one. It looks like my father has concocted some strange plan to get a fake version of Arya Stark to marry Roose Bolton’s bastard son and claim Winterfell. Bolton, I assume, knows that’s she’s a fake and doesn’t care. Well… that’s the story of ONE of the sisters. The other sister, Sansa, you know about. She probably killed Joffrey and has now fled. I bet my brother is covering for her.

Brienne: No way. That girl couldn’t hurt a fly. She’s innocent!

Jaime: Eh. Whatever. It doesn’t matter because Joffrey was a little shit. Here, have this.

Jaime pulls out his fancy, jeweled sword. It glistens in the light.

Brienne: Valyrian Steel!

Jaime: Indeed. It’s yours.

Brienne: WHAT?!

Jaime: Gift from my dad. But look at my hand. I can't use this shit. I have named the sword “Oathkeeper.” It’s melted down from Ned Stark’s own sword, Ice. I want you to have it.

Brienne: So that I can use it to hunt down and kill Sansa? No thanks!

Jaime: Jesus Christ, you’re so fucking dumb sometimes. Why do you think I just brought up your pledge to protect the Stark girls and why do you think I named it Oatkkeeper? Remember, I made a promise to bring the girls back to their mother too. But I’m a cripple now, so I’d be useless. It’s all up to you now. I give you this sword, forged from the Stark family’s own blade. And I want you to find Sansa Stark and, if she’s still alive, the real Arya Stark. I want you to fulfill the oaths we both made to Lady Catelyn and deliver the Stark girls to safety, wherever that may be.

Brienne: Oh… oh… SHIT! Wow. I keep underestimating you and thinking you’re a douche. But really, you’re sort of a good guy.

Jaime: Eh, don’t get too carried away and award me the Nobel Peace Prize yet.  I still fuck my sister and threw a kid out a window.

Brienne: I… I promise to succeed and defend these Stark girls.

Jaime: Good. Now get the fuck out! I don't want to see you ever again. Especially if it's as part of some ploy to get me to the undead corpse of Cat Stark under the guise of rescuing Sansa from the Hound.

Brienne: Well that seems like a highly unlikely future scenario, but whatever.


She leaves.

Jaime then looks at his entry in the Kingsuard White Book.

Jaime: Well, I better start updating my entry. Let’s see… let’s see… put some stuff in about being defeated by Robb Stark. Being ransomed at Riverrun. Captured again by Vargo Hoat. Losing my sword. Returned to Kinds Landing. Eh. This is all pretty depressing. And most of the page is still empty. But I guess the future isn’t written yet, huh?  Just like Sarah Connor said. God, Sarah Connor is hot. The Lena Hedley version from the TV show, I mean. Wait. Why didn't I want to have sex with her again?

ASoS 71: Daenerys VI

Hey, remember that whole battle for Meereen? The secret plan to go into the sewer and all that? Want to see some sort of epic battle scene? Well you won’t. The battle happened a long time ago. Dany’s troops won it. Now she’s sitting at the top of the Great Pyramid of Meereen eating grapes and drinking wine. Which, I suppose, is just another way of eating grapes.
Dany: It’s great starting chapters in media res and only going back to explain the specifics of the battle later, huh Missandei?

Missandei: If you say so. I’m just a 10 year old girl so I’m not sure that I’m the one you should be asking about how to build effective narratives.

Dany: Haha, remember when I had all those leaders of Meereen crucified in revenge for them crucifying all the slaves? That was good stuff.

Missandei: Again, I’m 10. So. Whatever.

Dany looks at all of her followers in the throne room. But then again there was a prophesy that she would be betrayed three times. Who will betray her next?

Missandei: Hey, speaking of effective narratives – whatever happened to Barristan and Jorah? Didn’t we end the last chapter with a cliffhanger about their fate?

Dany: Yes. And that will remain a cliffhanger for now. Maybe later in the chapter I’ll get to it. But for right now, I’ll reflect back upon the new rules and laws I’ve set up in this city. Stuff about penalties for pillaging and rape. 

Missandei: Okay my Khaleesi, it’s now part of the day where citizens and others come up to petition you.

Dany: Cool.

A citizen comes up.

Meereen Citizen: Begging your pardon, Queen, but you have a bunch of dead bodies of the old Masters of Meereen laying around the city and nailed up on crucifixes. It’s really been attacking a lot of plague-carrying and other gross animals. I mean it’s cool that you’re our new leader and all, but we’re not happy about watching carrion birds rip out our cousins eyeballs and gorge themselves. And, again, the plague thing is not cool. So maybe we could collect up all the dead bodies of the crucified and killed Masters of Meereen and… you know… clean their bodies and give them proper burials according to our religious practices.

Dany: Eh, sure. I suppose.

The Citizen bows and takes his leave.

Dany: NEXT!

Missandei: Next up is an envoy from Astapor named Ghael.

Dany: Come forward, Ghael.

Ghael: I bring you greetings from King Cleon of Astapor.

Dany: Uhh… King Cleon? Who is that? I left a council in charge of Astapor.

Ghael: Yeah, you left a weak and ineffective council with absolutely no army or law enforcement. Our city descended into total hell and the council quickly tried to put the Great Masters back in power. Cleon exposed them and had them executed.

Missandei: Wait… Cleon? Wasn’t he some butcher in Grazdan’s kitchen?

Ghael: I mean that’s not a very specific question since everyone in the entire town was named Grazden. But yeah, he was.

Dany: Great. I’ve given Astapor a Butcher King.

Ghael: Way to talk shit about someone just because he’s from a different social class than you and didn’t have the same job opportunities. You know, someone has to be a butcher, right? You trying to say you’re a vegetarian? No way. You eat meat. Someone has to kill, cut and clean the animal. You trying to say that those people are dirty? You trying to say that a butcher is less of a person? You trying to say that in Queen Dany’s empire… there is no place for upward mobility of the lower classes? You trying to say you want to instill a new caste system where the lowly people stay lowly and the noble people stay as the nobles? What kind of Animal Farm bullshit is that, Dany? Seems like you’re “freeing” places form tyranny just to re-install tyranny again with new tyrants.

Dany: I… uhm… no… that’s not what I mean, Ghael. I wasn’t saying he didn’t deserve to be a King because he used to be a butcher. I was just saying that—

Ghael: --Hahaha, come on, Queenie. I’m just messing with you. That was pretty funny. “Butcher King.” I’ll probably go back and tell Cleon that. He’ll have a good laugh. Anyway, I’m here because we propose an alliance with you against Yunkai.

Dany: WHAT?! Against Yunkai?! But I just liberated that city too!

Ghael: Yeah, you did. But those people are assholes. They’re plotting against you. You should probably marry Cleon to seal the deal for our mutual alliance against them.

Dany: HAHAHAHA. You want me to marry a guy named Cleos? That’s too much! You know what, here in public in front of everyone I’m going to say, “I’ll think about it.” But you know what the actual answer is, right?

Dany dismissed Ghael.

Dany: Man. All my “victories” seem pretty empty, huh? I liberate a town and then I move on. After that, the city falls to shit and is taken over by crappy, warring tyrants again. What will happen to Meereen when I leave here?

Missandei: Your next visitor is a slaver ship captain from Qarth.

Dany: Oh, this ought to be fun. If only Jorah was here to deeply sympathize with him.

Slaver Captain: Oh great Queen! Look at me crying! I am so sad!

Dany: Stop being a drama queen, you Qartheen bitch. You’re all like that.

Slaver Captain: I have seen so many horrible atrocities! The Cleaver King in Astapor his seizing all the highborn babies to make a new Unsullied army!

Dany: Hrm. “Cleaver King.” That’s probably a little wittier than “Butcher King.” I wish I had thought of that instead.

Slaver Captain: Yes! It’s horrible! Oh, and also I’d really like to buy some slaves.

Dany: WHAT?! Get the fuck out of here, you slaving asshole. There are no slaves here. Only free people. And they don’t want to be slaves anymore!

Daario: *cough*bullshit*cough

Dany: Uhm… excuse me, Daario. Just because you’re handsome AF and I want to jump you 24/7 doesn’t mean you get to cough interject like that. Do you have something to say?

Daario: Well, my beautiful Queen. There are actually crowds and crowds of Meerenese begging to be sold.

Dany: Say what now?

Daario: Yeah, not all the slaves were brutalized and doing hard labor. Many of them were domestic servants who lived in houses and did chores. Those people HATE being free. They were living the good life. Their lives as slaves were idyllic compared who what their lives are like now. These people willingly want to be sold back into slavery.

Dany: Are you sure that you haven’t been replaced with Jorah?

Daario: No, I’m Daario.

Dany: And you’re REALLY trying to convince me that being a house slave is okay and that I should let people sell themselves back into slavery?

Daario: Yep.

Dany: Wow. The morals of feudal society are really messed up. But I suppose that if any free human being is willing to sell themselves into slavery… then they shoul d be free to do so, right? I mean that choice is part of being free, huh? But the sale of children is forbidden! And don’t think that when these slaves have kids that their kids will be slaves too. They have to be free and make that decision on their own once they reach adulthood. Although technically, if I’m selling them to Qarth I have no real way of enforcing that because they’ll be going somewhere far away and out of my jurisdiction.

Slaver Captain: So is it cool that I buy some people then?

Dany: Eh. I guess.

In actuality, it is NOT cool at all. Dany is wrong.
Dany: But can we get a tax on it or something? Like we take 10% of all profits from slave sales as a tax or something? That sounds pretty civic-minded.

Missandei: Sure.

And therefore, Meereen goes back to being rich again. Horray! For… uhm… slavery… I guess. Wait. What are we cheering again?

Dany: Okay… NEXT!

Missandei: We’ll, speaking of slavery…

Jorah comes in. He’s followed closely by Barristan.

Dany: Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in. You two. I guess now is the time to finally reveal your fate and what I decided to do with you as the cliffhanger in-between chapters.

Jorah: You mean lead the forces that crawled through the sewers to break into Meereen? A highly dangerous task that you didn’t think either of us would survive. But we did survive and now you still have to deal with us.

Dany: Yeah, I guess that’s a pretty succinct way of summarizing all that. But I was also going to add in additional long narratives with specifics about the battles and how we won. But you know what? Forget it. I’ve conquered Meereen and we’ve moved on from there. Now I want both of you to plead your cases as to why you should stay in my service and not just be executed for betraying me.

Barristan steps up first.

Barristan: I lied to you and I deceived you. I admit it. When your father was murdered, I betrayed your family line and bent the knee to King Robert. I admit it. I will only tell the truth  though. And the truth is that even as a small child… I saw that Viserys was like his father. Rhaegar was a noble and honest man and would have made a great king. But Viserys? He had the madness.

Dany: LIES! Lies told by the Baratheons and Lannisters to discredit the Targaryens!

Barristan: Queen, I come here with my fate entirely in your hands. Whatever you decide I will not contest. If it is your decision to kill me, then so be it. I could lie to you and let you hear what you want to hear. Let you hear that the Baratheons and Lannisters were liars who made up stories. Let you hear that the stories your brother told you growing up were all true. But then I would be lying to you again. I will not lie to you again, nor hide the truth as I did before. I wanted to tell you the truth of who I was many times. But I did not. Because I wanted to make sure you were not tainted by the same madness that afflicted Aerys and Viserys. I have spent much time with you now and I see that you are not. You are a true and noble Queen and you are fit to rule. It would be an honor to serve you, in whatever capacity you wish of me, if you let me. If not… well… I have lived a life that many would call good and long and I will die proud.

Dany: *holding back tears and wiping a Kleenex against her eyes*… No… no… not crying. Not crying at all. It’s just that this Pyramid Throne Room is… so… dusty. Yes. So much dust. So very dusty in here. Okay, Barrsitan. Here is your sword. You are pardoned of all past transgressions. I accept your pledge to serve me.

Everyone slow claps.

Dany: OKAY! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! NEXT, Jorah.

Jorah: Well, obviously you MUST forgive me, because I’m so awesome and important. And, yeah, while it’s true I was spying on you for the Baratheons, even all the way up to Qarth, it’s not like I…

Dany: --Okay, let me cut you off there, shitface. EXILE!

Jorah: WHAT!? But… but… I love you!

Dany: Aww… do you now? I seem to recall some prophesy about being betrayed three times, one of them for love. I guess that’s you. Now, as I was saying… EXILE!!!! If you’re still in Meereen tomorrow morning, you’ll be executed.

Jorah: But… but… Khaleesi… I…

Strong Belwas grabs him and drags him out.

Dany: Well, that’s that then.

Daario: You know, I can still slice his neck open and kill him anyway. You’ll look all magnanimous for letting him leave by exile… but I know what you REALLY want is him dead.

Dany: Daww, that’s so thoughtful, Daario! You handsome rogue you! No… wait… STOP! You’re tricking me with your handsomeness. Stop that. I stick by the exile thing.

Daario: Exile makes no sense. You should have either kept him… or killed him.

Dany: Okay sexy, when I want your advice… I’ll ask for it. All this is making me tired. I need to go to bed.

She goes to bed that night and Irri is with her.

Dany: Man, these books are a lot more lesbian-ey than the show.

But she can’t stop thinking and dreaming about Daario.

As the dawn comes, she wakes up and finds Missandei there too.

Dany: Oh hey. You’re not planning on betraying me too?

Missandei: Well, as previously stated... I’m 10. So probably not.

They watch the sunrise together. Which I guess is sort of cool or something.

At the meetings later that day, she summons all of her captains and council members. The Senate? I don't know what she calls her people.

Dany: Hey look… you know how I’m a Khaleesi, right? I’ve been going from city to city, conquering them… and then moving on.  Totally a Khaleessi sort of thing to do. My ultimate goal is to rule the Seven Kingdoms. But how can I be a good ruler of seven kingdoms if I can’t even rule one city? Oh… I can CONQUER just fine. But rule? Not so much.

Missandei: Hey now, you’re a great ruler, Dany. You freed the slaves and all that stuff. You’re the Abe Lincoln of these books. You know, without the getting shot in the head part. I hope. I guess the books aren’t finished yet… so you never know.

Dany: Thanks for the kind words, young person who has been alive for one decade and has no grasp on politics or state building.

Missandei: Says the girl who is… what? Five years older than me?

Dany: My point is this… these books are clearly loaded with all sorts of metaphors. My brother was a metaphor for the tyrant who thinks he deserves to rule by his bloodline, and would be a terrible leader that would be quickly overthrown. Renly was a metaphor for a man who liked to play at being king but had no interest in actually ruling. Robert Baratheon is a metaphor for a great warrior who could make himself king via military strength… but then when it came time to “win the peace” rather than “win the war,” he was woefully incompetent at rule itself.  Right now, all signs in the books are pointing towards me being another King Robert. Oh yeah… I can kick ass in the battles. But afterwards? I leave a city and it falls apart and gets ruled by some fucking butcher. Well, NO MORE I say!  Before I try to rule the world… I will prove that I can rule just one city!

Il Palazzo: Yes, a sound and logical strategy.

Dany: Therefore, I will not abandon Meereen as I did Aspator. I will stay here and not leave until I can prove I can rule it and make peace!

Well, this should go swimmingly.

Dany: Shut your mouth, narrator. Are you going to be the third person to betray me?