ADwD 3: Jon I

Jon is dreaming / warging with Ghost. He’s running through the woods near the Wall. He can sense his brothers Summer and Shaggydog, as well as his sister Nymeria. Nymeria seems to be having the best fucking time in the world. Jon can sense that she’s leading a giant pack of wolves somewhere down south,  that are really tearing the hell out of people and eating humans like candy. But Grey Wind and Lady are gone.

He’s suddenly awoken by the sound of…

Raven: SNOW! SNOW!

Jon: Oh shit. Damnit, bird. You woke me up.

Raven: Corn?

Jon: Yes, yes. I know you want fucking corn. You always want corn. Except for those times that you want to eat human flesh. You used to be Lord Commander Mormont’s Raven. And when he was killed, we found you still with his body. Eating out his eyeballs and shit. That’s so messed up. I bet if I die, you’ll do the same to me.

Raven: Corn?

Jon: *sigh*

Dolorous Edd Tollet then comes in.

Edd: Hey, what do you want for breakfast?

Raven: CORN! CORN!

Jon: I’m kind of in the mood for some roast raven right now.

Raven: Dafuq?

Edd: So… two corns and one roast raven? Coming right up! Hahaha, no. Just kidding. Our stores are totally depleted. We have gruel. Since you’re Lord Commander, you can have gruel with honey. But that’s about it.

The two then discuss the issues related to all these Wildlings that they how have as settlers.  Stannis wants to take the lands which used to be part of The Gift, so that there is a settled buffer zone south of the Wall. He also wants a bunch of the un-manned castles along the Wall.

Edd: This whole thing will obviously be super controversial, as the Night’s Watch and the people of the north have been fighting the Wildlings for centuries. The Wildlings have been coming down, raiding, and killing forever. I can’t imagine the Lords of the North will side with Stannis if he chooses this course of action.

Jon: Please, the Wildlings are the least of my concerns now. I’m more worried about Stannis and this Red Witch. She apparently wants to burn anyone alive with King’s blood. She wants to burn up Mance. She wants to burn up Mance’s kid. That bitch is crazy. She thinks that burning two kings will “Wake the Dragon,” whatever the fuck that means. Aemon thinks she’s going to do it.

Edd: Wait. Mance’s kid? You mean the that Gilly is nursing? What the fuck are you worried about that kid for? Didn’t we switch that baby with Gilly’s baby and send it down to Oldtown with Sam and Aemon an entire book ago? That kid is safe and sound now.

Jon: No, no, no. You see, this book is happening concurrently to A Feast for Crows, which means that we’ve sort of hit the reset button and gone back in time. Sam and Gilly are still up here at the Wall. Aemon is still alive.

Edd: Really? Damn.

Jon: In fact, a substantial part of my next two chapters are just going to be totally rehashing interactions and scenes that happened in the previous book, only now from my point of view, rather than from Sam’s.

Edd: Oh. That sounds tedious.

Jon: Actually, it’s quite interesting. It helps the reader recall some important, yet subtle, points that they might have forgotten about in the six years since the previous book was published.

Edd: Haha, I remember when six years between books seemed like it was a long time. It’s been more than that now!

Jon: Anyway, I need to go see that asshole Stannis.

Jon heads off to the King’s Tower, which you might recall from two books ago was given to Stannis. On the way, he walks through the Watch’s yard where a number of soldiers are practicing. Stannis’s men.

Ser Godry Farring: HEY LITTLE BASTARD BOY! You wanna fight? Huh? Huh? I killed a Giant in that big battle! I bet I could kill you.

Jon: Not really. Go eat a giant pile of dicks.

And Jon keeps walking.

Godry: Coward! Come back here!

Jon: Ugh. I can tell from this scene that for some reason we’re building you up to be a mildly important character that we have to pay attention to for the next two books.

Jon then runs into Sam.

Sam: Oh, hey Jon! I’m just coming back from delivering a letter to Stannis. The news is not good, it looked like.

Jon: Ah, so he’ll be in a pissy mood, huh? Haha, just kidding. Stannis is always in a pissy mood.

And so Jon heads into the tower and sees Stannis with Mel.

Stannis: CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS FUCKING SHIT?! Maege Mormont’s daughter, Lyanna “Badass” Mormont refused to pledge allegiance to me. What’s wrong with this bitch. It’s like she’s the type of person that would refuse to kneel at the National Anthem.

Jon: Yeah, Lyanna is badass. Sorry. That’s just her style. Probably because she’s named after my aunt.

Melisandre: You mean your mom?

Jon: Huh?

Mel: Huh?

Jon: What was that?

Mel: What was what?

Jon: That thing you just said.

Jon: Ugh, never mind.
Stannis: You northern lords are all a bunch of traitors! I am the true king and yet not a single one of your families have pledged themselves to me, except for the Karstarks.

Jon: True. And the Karstarks really had no choice since they are a bunch of treasonous assholes who the rest of the North hates for betraying Robb.  Look, your grace, if I may… these Northern Lords have been through a lot. Given recent events, it’s understandable that they might distrust yet a new person coming from the South and claiming to be the true king.

Stannis: But I am the true king!

Jon: Eh. And what’s this I hear about you wanting to marry Val off to some lord under your control?

Stannis: I want to marry Val off to some lord under my control. We need these Wildlings loyal to us, and if their princess marries one of our lords, then they will become loyal.

Jon: Yeah, you’re not really understanding how the Wildlings work. They don’t actually fall themselves “Wildlings.” They call themselves the “Free Folk.” Just because she’s related to Mance doesn’t mean that the Free Folk will view her as royal. They don’t think about “king’s blood” in the same way that you do. The notion that one person gets to rule simply because another person related to them used to rule is absurd to them.  They are a free, independent people. They did not think that Mance ruled because he had some magic king blood in him. He ruled because they thought he was a strong leader. He was politically suave and knew how to convince people who disagreed with one another to put aside those differences for mutual protection. You know, good qualities of a leader. *cough* none of which you have *cough*

Stannis: HOW ABSURD! You're saying that a person should rule base on their talents and abilities… rather than simply because they are the brother of a dead king who usurped the throne from another king in a war and claimed to be the new king based on the fact that several generations ago a Baratheon married a Targaryen and therefore we have a tiny bit of Targaryen blood?! That makes no sense to me.

Jon: What I’m trying to say is that Mance doesn’t have king’s blood. He’s just a dude who was in the Night’s Watch. Then he abandoned it and went north and started to get some people to follow him. His blood isn’t magic. And therefore his son’s blood isn’t magic either. Hint hint hint hint. 

Stannis: I will disregard what you just said and pay no attention to it. Now what of my request about the land and castles?

Jon: Oh yeah… your request to cede all the land of the Gift over to you, and also to take over all the castles along the Wall that the Night’s Watch aren’t currently asking? You ask too much, King Stannis.

Stannis: I ask too much? TOO MUCH? Who fucking saved your ass in that battle against the Wildlings. Wouldn’t you have been murdered in a tent if it wasn’t for my army showing up… just in time?

Jon: Yeah, thanks for that. But If you take that land for yourself and gift it to your southern Lords, then no Lords of the North will ever follow you. Ever.

Stannis: They will follow me if the Lord of Winterfell tells them to follow me. Which is why I wanted to make you the Lord of Winterfell. And yet you refused my offer to legitimize you and make you Jon Stark.

Jon: I am a bastard. Winterfell belongs to my lady sister, Sansa.

Stannis: Sansa is a pet of the Lannisters now, and married to Tyrion. Would you have the Lannisters rule the North?

Jon: Look, I’m just telling you how it is. Oh yeah, and now I’m also going to just casually mention to you that I’m sending Gilly and “her kid” away. So that you’re informed of that.

Stannis: Who cares about some inbred Wildling girl? Good riddance!

Jon: Ah, the perfect “I don’t care” reaction. Good. Just what I was hoping for.

Stannis: Now, back to the issue of these castles along the Wall… you’re not using them. Why should they stay abandoned?

Jon: They shouldn’t. That’s why you should GIVE ME MEN to help defend them.

Stannis: HAHAHA, oh man. That’s too rich, bastard boy. You sure did grow a set on you when they elected you as Lord Commander, huh? Well, just as they picked the last Lord Commander… they can also pick another. Half of the men think you’re a turncloak who betrayed them to the Wildlings anyway. Maybe I can influence them to pick one who is willing to do what I say.

Jon: A turncloak would be a yes-man who would do whatever you ask in order to survive and ensure his power. I didn’t ask for this power. And I’m not a yes man. I was rightfully chosen by the Watch. The Wall is mine.

Stannis: For now. You claim you want to staff it up. Good luck with that. I’ll give you a year. One fucking year. Whatever forts you don’t reoccupy by then… I’ll take for myself. And maybe I’ll throw your head on top of one of them.

Jon: Well, that was a cheery conversation. I guess I’ll take that as a hint that I should take my leave?

Stannis: Yeup.

And so Jon leaves. But on his way out, he gets a little red shadow that follows him.

Mel: Oh, hai sexy boy.

Jon: Oh. You. Uhh… hi, Mel.

Mel makes him somewhat uncomfortable. She is hot as fuck. Like, smoking hot. Plus with Ygritte we already know that Jon has a thing for redheads.  Only Ygritte wasn’t even that hot, all things considered. She had crooked teeth, matted hair, and was sort of plain. Mel is like Ygritte if she got all prettied up, her teeth fixed, and became the Westerosi brand ambassador for Lancôme.  All that gives Jon a Weird Boner™ in his pants, but that’s countered with the fact that THIS BITCH IS CRAZY AND WANTS TO SET EVERYONE ON FIRE.

Mel: I think Stannis is growing fond of you, Lord Snow.

Jon: Really? THAT’S how Stannis shows affection? By threatening to behead me?

Mel: Yeah, he isn’t exactly Captain Warm Personality. But I know you will be needed, Jon Snow. I can see you in my flames.

Jon: You can see me in your flames? FUUUUUUCK. Are you threatening to burn me now too?

Mel: You misunderstand my meaning, Lord Snow. I mean that the flames say that there is greatness in you. The flames also say we should fuck, BTW.

Jon: Are your flames ever wrong?

Mel: No, the flames are never wrong. But we mere mortals do not always read what the flames tell us correctly.

Jon: Well that’s reassuring and also a good excuse for the inherent flaws in religion. Anyway, the Wall is no place for women. You should get out of here.

Mel: No. You will have grave need of me here. The Wall is a place of great magic. I can help you. I can tell you who your enemies are.

Jon: I know who my enemies are. Slynt. Thorne. It’s not that hard.

Mel: Are you sure of that? I feel otherwise. Men you think are your friends may not be. You would be best to keep that direwolf of yours close to you, if you know what I mean.

Jon: Huh?

Mel: I mean in case you get murdered, you might want to warg into him. Hence the Prologue Chapter that is specifically about a skinchanger who mentions jumping into Ghost, and the very opening of your first POV chapter in this book (e.g. this one), wherein you are warging into Ghost yourself. Honestly, the Ghost warging thing is probably how this is going to go in the books, rather than just me resurrecting you like in the TV show. It makes more sense and everything is setting up for that.

Jon: Oh. I uhh… wait… what are you talking about? Me being murdered? GET OUT OF HERE! That’s not going to happen.

Mel: I see it in the flames. I see daggers in the dark. Frozen blood. Naked steel. Cold. Ice and cold.

Jon: Damn right you see ice and cold. I don’t even know how you’re even wearing that sexy-ass outfit which shows all that skin. I'm wearing three layers of furs and I'm still freezing.

Mel: The lord of light provides me warmth.

The necklace hanging around her neck right above her breasts begins to glow. Jon looks at it, because of course he does. It's titties, man.


Jon: Your vision of cold isn’t that special or unique. It’s always cold on the Wall.

Mel: You think so?

Jon: I know so.

Melisandre goes up to his ear and whispers.

Mel: Then you know nothing, Jon Snow.

Jon: OH SHIT!!!!!!!!! Well, now this Weird Boner™ is never going away.

ADwD 2: Daenerys I

The Unsullied bring forward to Dany, Queen of Meereen, the body of one of their own, Stalwart Shield, who has been murdered overnight. 

Dany: OH SHIT! Who did this? Is this those fucking “Sons of the Harpy” people who have begun a low-key civil war / insurrection since I took over this city?

Grey Worm: Yep.

Dany: More like “Sons of Bitches,” am I right?

She goes for a high five, and Grey Worm feels compelled to give it to her, despite not truly thinking it was worth it. She freed him from slavery though, so he lets her have it.

Dany: First killing citizens… and now Unsullied soldiers? Not cool. I thought I had won the war for Meereen, but I guess not. I mean… it looks like instead of just winning battles you also have to “win the peace” rather than just moving on to the next city and having it fall into total chaos. It’s like I have to… HEY! WAIT! What is that? In Stalwart Shield’s mouth?

Grey Worm: Oh yeah. It’s the genitals of a goat that were cut off and stuffed in his mouth.

Dany: FUUUCK! That’s graphic. What kind of a sick fuck does that?

Grey Worm: *shrugs*

Dany: Do we have any leads?

Grey Worm: Well, his sword is missing.

Dany: Ugh. Bury this body and investigate who these Sons of the Harpies are. Offer a reward for anyone who can find the sword. That might lead us to the killer. Also, find out anyone who has recently gelded a goat.

Grey Worm nods and heads out to investigate.  With the Unsullied leader gone, Ser Barristan Selmy discreetly comes up to Dany.

Barristan: Your Grace, if I might… the Unsullied are fine warriors on the battlefield, but they were not trained to be policemen around a city. They’re not exactly master investigators either. That’s what you’re having them do now. I fear that Stalwart Shield is only the first of many.

Dany: What do you propose instead? That I use fucking DOTHRAKI to be the police and investigate. Hahaha, that will go off well. Why I can just imagine…

Inspector Dothraki: Greetings citizen, I see you have jaywalked.

Meereen Citizen: Oh yeah, sorry about that, ser. It’s just that there were no chariots coming down the lane and so I figured it would be okay to—

—Inspector Dothraki takes his arakh and beheads the citizen.

Inspector Dothraki: Another case closed!

Barristan: Weird. And yet compelling enough so that I’d probably watch “Inspector Dothraki” if it were one of the Game of Thrones spinoff shows.

Dany: My point is I have no other options. You want me to use Brown Ben Plumm and the Second Sons? No. Daario Naharis? Please. I wish he was still here, but I sent him out to agree to a trade deal with the Lhazar.

Barristan: M’am, you started touching yourself when you mentioned Daario.

Dany: Oh. Sorry. *sigh*

Dany walks off and prepares for her day ahead. She heads out to the balcony of her great pyramid and watches the dawn break. Viserion flies down to greet her.

Viserion: *squawk* [Translation: Please don’t let the Night King turn me into an ice dragon]

Dany: Oh, cute! Viserion! I wish I could understand what you are saying. You’re getting so big! All three of you are. I bet I’d be able to ride you soon. You guys are getting wild too. Super wild.

Dany then gets dressed (because for some reason, dressing and bathing scenes are always mandatory for her... but GRRM pretends that the scene is necessary by setting up the fact that Meereenese outfits are impractical and easy to trip over), and gets ready to meet all of the petitioners she will have for the day. Basically, being a ruler in the world of the Jingle of Ice and Fire means that you have to sit down and listen to people petition you all day long.

The first two who come up are Reznak mo Reznak (her seneschal) and Skahaz mo Kandaq (a former member of the Sons of the Harpy).

Dany: What the fuck is a seneschal?

The steward of a medieval noble estate, typically in charge of matters like law and justice.

Dany: Oh. Thanks.

You’re welcome.

Reznak: Yo Dany. We heard about what happened to Stalwart Shield.

Skahaz: Yes, a terrible, terrible thing.

Dany: Pfft. Says your Sons of Harpy ass. You’re the fuckers who murdered him.

Skahaz: HEY! I’m not with those guys anymore. I shaved my head and now lead a group called “the Shavepates” who are loyal to you. Not to the old ways here in Meereen. Look, I know who these Sons of the Harpies guys are. They’re all the old slave masters who are angry that their slaves were taken away. I say you take one person from each of the masters’ familes and kill them in retribution. That will teach them a lesson.

Reznak: Whoa, whoa, whoa! That’s a bit crazy, dude.

Dany: I hate to side with Reznak here, because I trust him just about as much as I trust Microsoft Zune to make a comeback. But I agree. That’s too far. Let’s up the reward for any information about the group. Now let’s get on with the petitions for the day.

And so the petitions begin, more formally. First is an envoy from Astapor.

Lord Ghael: Greetings, I bring you a gift from Cleon the Great, as well as an offer.

He puts down the gift. It’s a Microsoft Zune. Dany rolls her eyes.

Dany: Okay, you mentioned an offer too. Is that weirdo going to propose a marriage to me again?

Lord Ghael: No, not this time. Instead he proposes that you two ally to crush Yunkai!

Dany: While I do hate Yunkai since they returned to slavery, like, four minutes after I marched out… so did you guys in Astapor. Although it’s at least a little cool and ironic that the slavery in Astapor is of the old masters. What an inversion! Anyway, I think Astapor would be better off using its money to feed its people rather than wage war. NEXT!

Next is Hizdahr zo Loraq, this noble guy who comes up to Dany almost every day to ask her to reopen Meereen’s fighting pits.

Dany: Oh… let me guess. Reopen the fighting pits?

Hizdahr: Yes!

Dany: No. NEXT!

She kicks him out. Although she also kind of gives a side look at him, seeing that he is not totally unattractive.  Her advisors have been telling her that she might need to marry a local noble of Meereen to be seen as less of an outsider and foreigner and make her reign seem more legitimate. She doesn’t really want to, but if she had to… Hizdahr zo Loraq would be the least worst of the options. He’s certainly better than fucking Skahaz, who has already made an offer to her.

Several more petitioners come forward with a bunch of stupid grievances. 

A boy complains that his former household slaves killed his father and raped and killed his mother. He demands their execution.

Dany: Well, I’m not Jorah Fucking Mormont, so I’m not cool with the slavery thing. You know how many fucks I give about former slave masters being killed? Zero. I give zero fucks. Bye!

The boy pretends to walk away, but then walks around and tries to attack Dany. Alas, he trips up on his own inpractical outfit (preluded in Dany's extensive "getting dressed" scene) and the soldiers beat him down.

Barristan: So we’re killing this kid who tried to murder you, right?

What Dany Should Have Said: Yes.

What Dany Says: No, it would be a great idea to let his hatred fester and have him grow up to become another Son of the Harpy.

The rest of the day includes a bunch of people complaining about her dragons killing their sheep. They come forward with a bunch of sheep bones as evidence. They’re been set on fire and charred to hell.

Dany: Okay, okay. Whatever. I bet a bunch of these claims are fake. Yes, my dragons are eating a lot of sheep and now everybody has heard that I'm paying people for it. All people have to do is slaughter and eat one of their sheep and then throw some old bones in the fire to make it look like one of my dragons burned them. They they get to have the sheep, but also get a payment for it. But it’s impossible to tell who is lying and who is telling the truth. Pay all these guys for the animals they claimed they have lost, and send them away.

Reznak heads down with the royal coin purse and all the petitioners come up to collect their money and then leave. All but one, who stands there holding the burned bones in his hands.

Dany: Dude, WTF? You want the money or not?

The man walks forward, and throws the charred bones on the floor.

Dany: OH SHIT! OH SHIT! OH SHIT! OH SHIT!

Reznak: Did you hear the Queen, fool? Are you deaf? She said give your bones to me and get paid.

Barristan: Uhm… errm… Reznak… you might want to look down.

Reznak: Look down at whaa----OHHHHH FUCK! THOSE ARE HUMAN CHILD BONES!

Dany: Yeup.

The man begins weeping.

Man: My… *sniff*… my son. The dragon. *cries* The black one… he… he…

Dany: Oh, why’d it have to be the Black one, huh? That’s racist.

The man looks at her, confused.

Dany: Nah, I’m just messing with you dude. Sorry. Really, really, really super sorry for your loss and everything. Oh fuck, man. Fuuuuuuuuuuuck. This is NOT good.

Reznak: So what’s a dead boy worth? Is that like two gold coins instead of one?

Barristan: Probably not a good time, Reznak.

Reznak: Hey! And what's to say this guy didn't just burn his son alive and frame the dragons!

Barristan: Not cool, man. He's standing right there and can hear you.

Dany: I really wish I could get a chapter where nice things happen to me. This one both begun and ended with a dead body being dropped in front of me. Something tells me this is not going to be a good book for Dany!

ADwD 1: Tyrion I

Tyrion Lannister spends the entirety of his journey across the Narrow Sea completely drunk on wine, and having nightmares about his first wife, Tysha, his traitorous ho Shae, and his father. Especially the last two, and killing them.

He remains haunted again and again by Lord Tywin’s final words.

Tywin: I’m a really feared and respected character. This is a super embarrassing way to go.

Tyrion: What? Huh? No! Those aren’t his last words.

Sure they are. At least according to this blog.

Tyrion: Ah yes, according this blog they were. But that’s not what I was going for.

Yeah, well, right before that part, it was like…

Tyrion: ...TYSHA! What did you do with Tysha?

Tywin: Who the fuck is Tysha?

Tyrion: MY WIFE! Remember? The one I married? Then you made me watch her—

Tywin: Oh right, right. That whore.

Tyrion: SHE WASN’T A WHORE! DON’T CALL HER A WHORE!

Tywin: I mean, okay. Sure. Whatever you say, son.

Tyrion: I ASKED YOU, WHERE DID SHE GO?!

Tywin: I dunno. Probably Whore Island or something.

Tyrion shoots the crossbow.

Tywin: AGH!!!! YOU SHOT ME IN THE DICK!

Tyrion: Yes, okay, okay. I remember that too. But I’m very drunk and I want to remember the line a different way. I want to remember  it as me saying…

Tyrion: Where is Tysha?

Tywin: Wherever whores go.

Tyrion: Yeah. That’s better. So I’ll just always remember his last words as “wherever whores go.” And I’ll go around asking everyone where whores go.

Well that sounds stupid.

Tyrion: YOU SOUND STUPID!

You’re drunk, Tyrion.

Tyrion: Well yes, we’ve obviously established that already.

Tyrion spends his time on the boat throwing up and thinking about that. Finally, they reach port.

Tyrion: Oh thank god. I can get off this ship at least. Where did we go? I hope it’s Dorne. I bet Dorne would be super cool. Or maybe the Wall. I could live the rest of my life on the Wall. I was there once before and it seemed okay. I travelled up there with that Jon Snow bastard guy and he seemed sort of cool. Grumpkins and Snarks and all that. Remember? No. It’s too warm here to be the Wall. Where am I?

Captain: Shut up and get in this wine cask.

Tyrion: Why?

Captain: The entire world is looking for your ass. You think I’m going to allow you to be seen walking off my ship? Nah, shorty.

The captain picks him up, throws him in the cask, and seals it shut. He then sticks something up the bunghole.

Tyrion: Whoa buddy! Buy me dinner first and ask me about my life.

Captain: What? No. I mean the actual bunghole of the wine cask. A hole drilled into a liquid-tight barrel to remove contents. The hole is capped with a large cork-like object, called a “bung.”

Tyrion: Oh.

Tyrion is transported in the barrel on a wagon. It takes FOREVER to get there. He bumps up and down in the barrel over and over again. His head smashes into the sides and he vomits all over himself. But then again he’s been vomiting all over himself for quite a bit already. So really, this is his new normal.

Finally he reaches his destination and he’s let out. He stand before a super fat guy.

Tyrion: Who the hell are you? *vomits wine*

Illyrio Mopatis: I am Illyrio Mopatis! I have not been seen for a whole lot of books, but rest assured… I am still a very important character!

Tyrion: If you say so. Wait. Why would Varys send me across the Narrow Sea to you? Aren’t you supposed to be some ally of Dany the Dragon Queen?

Illyrio: Yes, but I’m also secretly an ally of Varys, as established by Arya Stark quite a long time ago, if you were paying attention.


Tyrion: Oh shit! Really? So does that mean that this whole time when we were trying to figure out who Varys was really loyal to… it was Dany the entire time, and it should have been obvious since the very first book? Because the first book outright already said it if you just paid attention!?

Illyrio: Maybe. But please, let us talk of these things later. You need to be bathed and dressed in clean clothes, and then treated to a delicious meal.

Tyrion: Your accent… is this… Pentos?

Illyrio: Indeed. You’re pretty good with accents, aren’t you?

Tyrion: I suppose. Where do whores go?

Illyrio: Huh? No… wait… don’t answer. I have business to attend to. We will talk later.

Illyrio leaves and his servants begin to tend to Tyrion. Tyrion knows not to trust any of them, because they are allies of Varys and Varys is obviously… well… a shady motherfucker. People with nicknames like “Spider” are not generally known for their trustworthiness.

Peter Parker: Whatever, dude.

Tyrion finds some new and clean clothes waiting for him and puts them on. Of course they don’t fit because they were designed for a child, rather than for a dwarf. He walks out and thinks of escape.

Tyrion: Maybe I should get out of here. I don’t want to be in fucking Pentos. I can’t trust this Illyrio guy. I know nothing about Essos. I belong in Westeros! I should…. Ohh… more wine!!!

While wandering, he stumbles into Illyrio Mopatis’s palace wine cellar. So he pours himself EVEN MORE WINE and continues to get drunk more.Which seems like a bad idea.

After getting into another drunken stupor, he wanders out into Illyrio Mopatis’s beautiful gardens.

There he finds some washerwomen hanging up clothes. At first he ignores them and just mumbles to himself.

Tyrion: Where should I go when I sneak out of here? Maybe I should go back to the Wall. Or to Dorne with my niece Myrcella. Yeah. I should crown her and name her queen.

He then stumbles over to the women and speaks to them, assuming they do not know the common tongue.

Tyrion: Excuse me bitches, do you know where whores go?

Washerwoman 1: Probably CVS to pick up their Valtrex prescription.

Washerwoman 2: Whore Island?

Tyrion: HAHAHA! That’s what my dad said! The latter one, I mean! *hiccup* Sorry, I didn’t even know you girls spoke Westorsi. I was just messing with you and… uhh… uhh…

He falls over, drunk, and lands on the ground. He sees some mushrooms there.

Tyrion: Ooo! Mushrooms. That looks a lot like an Amanita phalloides, AKA "deathcap mushroom." I bet it is poisonous. Mmm. Poison.

He grabs the mushrooms out of the ground and stuffs them in his pocket. Then he passes out.

He wakes up later, attended by a beautiful blonde girl.

Tyrion: Oh hey there. Who are you?

Blonde: I am here to serve you, in whatever you wish and whatever pleasures you.You know what I mean.

She unbuttons the top button of her blouse. It's from Zara, by the way.

Tyrion: Oh, so you’re one of Illyrio Mopatis’s whores, huh? I guess he did have some of those, right? Because those three girls that traveled with Dany were originally Illyrio Mopatis’s hos, if I remember right.

Blonde: I suppose. But I’m a different blonde one than the one that went with Dany. That was Doreah. She died in the dessert.

Tyrion: Where do whores go?

Blonde: Various places. As just explained, one of them went out to the desert to die. If you want... this particular whore can go... down on you.

Tyrion: I’M A MONSTER! I WILL KILL YOU! MWAHAHAHA!

Blonde: Jesus, you’re fucking creepy. Bye.

She leaves, which is the right call.

Later, it’s dinner time and Tyrion is dressed up yet again in a new outfit (which also doesn’t fit) for dinner with Illyrio.

Illyrio: So, did you like the girl I sent you?

Tyrion: No. I sort of threatened her and scared her away. Is she a slave?

Illyrio: Whaaaa? A slave? No!

Tyrion: But if I told her to have sex with me, she would have?

Illyrio: Yes, of course.

Tyrion: So she’s a slave?

Illyrio: Of course not! My people will do as I bid them to and they will never betray me because they love and trust me.

Tyrion: Uh huh. Sure. So… slave. I see.

Illyrio: Ah, and here comes the main dish… prepared just for you, Tyrion!

A server comes out and sets a dish before Tyrion. He opens the lid. It’s the mushrooms that drunk Tyrion had pulled from the ground earlier.

Tyrion: Oh shit.

Illyrio: I always treat my guests well here. If my guest wishes to end his life…he should do so! I will not stop him.

Tyrion: I… I… I…

Tyrion doesn’t know what to do. Earlier when he was super drunk and mopey, he did think about killing himself. But now?

Tyrion: No. I don’t want to die.

Illyrio: Oh, that’s cool.

Illyrio grabs one of the mushrooms off Tyrion’s plate and eats it.

Tyrion: OH SHIT! So they weren’t poisoned?

Illyrio: No, asshole. Why the hell am I going to waste all these times and resources smuggling you across the sea in secrecy, just to kill you here at my palace?

Tyrion: I guess that's a good point. Those sure looked a lot like deathcap mushrooms though.

Illyrio: No, they are Volvariella volvacea, AKA the "paddy straw mushroom." In their button stage, patty straw mushrooms closely resemble poisonous death caps, but can be distinguished by several mycological features, including their pink spore print.

Tyrion: Oh right, right. Of course. Spore prints of death caps are white. Good point.

Illyrio: A better point is that if I wanted you dead... we could have easily have thrown your ass overboard in the middle of the sea. Or better yet, just given you back to Cersei. The Queen has offered a lordship to whoever brings her your head.

Tyrion: That doesn’t surprise me at all. And why have you not taken up Cersei on this generous offer of hers?

Illyrio: Some things are worth more than the gold of Cersei Lannister. And I have... well... loyalty. To someone else.

Tyrion: If you say so. So do you have any other plot exposition I might need to know about? Just drop a few things on me now, so I can get up to speed with everything that has been happening.

Illyrio: Astapor and Meereen have fallen. Stannis Baratheon is at the Wall.

Tyrion: Ah, all good to know.

Illyrio: And I’ve learned something from you as well, Lord Tyrion. The washerwomen tell me that you were talking about sneaking out of her, going to Dorne, and crowning Myrcella.

Tyrion: Yeah. I did, didn’t I? I guess I just figured they didn’t speak the common tongue. It’s a poor mistake. But then again, I was shitfaced drunk.

He then gulps down another bottle of wine.

Illyrio: Was?

Tyrion: Ah yes. Perhaps the past tense isn’t accurate. I am still drunk AF.

Illyrio: You do know that crowning Myrcella is pretty much the same as killing her, right?

Tyrion: True, true. You seem to know about Westeros fairly well from Varys. It would be a futile gesture. But then again, futile gestures are all that I have left. My life is over. I am a Lannister and nobody likes Lannisters, especially not the only remaining Lannisters. I can never go back. All of Westeros thinks I’m sort of monster. And I can never inherit Casterly Rock, even though that’s all I’ve ever wanted in life.

Illyrio: What if I told you that your life isn’t over? What if I told you that there is another way back to Casterly Rock? What if I told you that stories of your cunning and brilliance have travelled to my ears and I believe you have a role left to serve in the wars to come? What if I told you that you can still be a trusted advisor to the rightful ruler of Westeros? A savior.

Tyrion: I’m intrigued, but skeptical. Go on.

Illyrio: There is another. Stronger than Tommen. Gentler than Stannis. A better claim than Myrcella. A savior from across the sea.

Tyrion: Okay, just tell me fucking who.

Illyrio: A dragon. A dragon… with three heads!

Tyrion: OH SHIT! King Ghidorah?! That’s so AWESOME!

Illyrio: No. I mean… ugh… never mind.

A Dance with Dragons: Prologue

Flashback to when we last saw Varamyr Sixskins…

As the mystery forces approach, Mance’s army falls into disarray. Some start attacking and get killed.

Soldier: Iron men! Iron men surrounding the camp!

Jon: What. You mean, like, from the Iron Isles?

Soldier: No. Just men wearing iron.

Jon: Oh.

Mance: Ugh. Damnit. What the hell is going on? I need to investigate and lead these men. Varamyr!!! Watch Jon!

Varamyr: Ugh. Really? I have the power to go inside of an eagle and you want me to just watch this traitor dude?

Tormund: *giggles* Eagle fucker!

Varamyr: *sigh* I think I’ll just go into the Eagle anyw---AGHHH!!!!

Jon watches as the eagle suddenly and mysteriously BURSTS INTO FUCKING FLAMES!

Varamyr: IT BURNS! IT BURNS! AGH!

Jon: Holy shit, that is crazy. Did anyone else see that? That eagle just spontaneously combusted.

And now… well… is now…

Varamyr Sixskins is in the body of his wolf, named One Eye. He and his pack hunt down and eat some humans, including three men and a baby.

Steve Gutenberg, Tom Selleck, Ted Danson, and a Baby: AGHHH!!! AGHHH!!

No wait. Sorry. That was wrong. It was actually two men, one woman, and a baby. Anyway, it’s nasty. Varamyr snaps out of his wolf and returns to his sad, pathetic human life. He’s inside of a freezing cold hut. There is a small fire inside, but it’s quickly dying.

Varamyr: I was born as a skinchanger. I’ve always been a skinchanger. My parents abandoned me as a child when they learned what I was. When I ate my brother, bump, as a wolf. They gave me to a man who named Haggon, another skinchanger who taught me the ways of the world. He taught me what animals I should warg into and what animals I should never warg into. He taught me that it was an abomination to eat human flesh while in an animal’s body. But the taste… the taste is so good. So warm and fresh. There is no food for me, Varamyr the human to have. But I can eat when I’m a wolf. I can eat these fellow humans that surround me. The other Free Folk who fled when Stannis’s army attacked us. My fellow refugees. Now trapped north of the Wall and running out of resources. We’re surrounded. Stannis and the Night’s Watch to the south. The army of the Others to the north. There is no hope.

Ugh. Jesus. Are we going to get your whole fucking life story, Varamyr?

Varamyr: Yes. That’s the point. It’s my POV chapter! So I get to tell the story of how I came to be! You see… Haggon taught me other things too. He taught me that it was an abomination to take over the body of a human too. But sometimes I do that as well. Well screw Haggon. I killed him and eat his heart when I was a wolf. Haggon had warned me not to spend much time in the wolf. He said the longer I spent in wolves, the more I would become lost inside of the wolf. And that’s true. That’s probably why I ate my little brother. But he was flesh and I was a wolf. I was…

Boring.

Varamyr: HEY! Shut up, narrator. Now, as I was saying, sometimes I warg into humans. There was this woman who was fleeing with me. Her name was Thistle. My body is weak and dying. I’m probably going to die soon. I should have just warged into her when I had the chance. She said she’d come back for me and that she was looking for food. She probably lied and is never coming back. Damnit. I should have known better and taken her over there. I guess there is still One Eye. I can warg into him when I die and be a wolf forever. You know what would have really been awesome though? If I could have warged into the dirwolf. Yeah, when that Jon Snow kid showed up I had a chance to take that direwolf. But Mance wouldn't let me. Now that would have been a second life worthy of a king!

Hahaha, I see what you did there. "Worthy of a king." I get it it. Because it's Jon Snow's direwolf and he'll actually be revealed as the true king to the Iron Throne, the heir of Rhaegar.

Vayamyr: Yeah, heh.

Good one, Eagle Fucker.

Varamyr: HEY! I’m not an Eagle Fucker! Me and that eagle had a fine relationship. After his last warg died, I took him over. But I died in that fire. It was the most painful death I’ve ever suffered inside of an animal I warged into. It wasn’t the first though. I’ve died many times before. The first time was…

NO. I’M ENDING THIS. Let’s move on!

Varamyr: But I…

SHUT UP! I’m going to cut in and explain some brief things that happened, in-between A Storm of Swords 73 and now.  Basically, it’s not much. All these pussies turned and ran from Stannis. Their numbers have been dwindling as they all got separated and died from hunger. And that’s about all you have to know. You don’t have to know about Varamyr’s childhood, parents, brother or teacher. You don’t have to know the names of all the animals that Varamyr has warged into in his life. You don’t have to know the extensive list of what animals Varamyr’s teacher told him were off-limits to warg into. You’re not going to heat Varamyr talk about his rise to power, how he went from a nobody to one of the most trusted leaders of Mance’s armies. Nor will you hear him mope about his downfall from great leader to a sick, dying coward who don’t admit to others who he used to be. Nobody knows that he’s the famous Sixskins now. But I’m doing going into detail any of that. Why? Because it just doesn’t matter. Varamyr is going to die soon anyway.

Varamyr: WHAT?!

I mean you’re a Prologue POV chapter guy. What do you think is going to happen?

Varamyr: I’m going to live a long time?

No. Who was the Prologue POV in A Game of Thrones?

Varamyr: Will, the Ranger of the Nights Watch.

And what happened to him?

Varamyr: He was killed by The Others.

Who was the Prologue POV in A Clash of Kings?

Varamyr: Maester Cressen.

And what happened to him?

Varamyr: He drank his own poison and died while trying unsuccessfully to kill Melisandre.

Who was the Prologue POV in A Storm of Swords?

Varamyr: Chett, the traitor who was in a plot to betray the Night’s Watch.

And what happened to him?

Varamyr: Killed. Sam Tarly fought his undead corpse, transformed into a Wight. He gets pecked up by a bunch of crows as Coldhands rescues Sam.

Who was the Prologue POV in A Feast for Crows?

Varamyr: Pate the Novice of Oldtown.

And what happens to him?

Varamyr: He’s murdered and replaced by someone who’s description closely matches the face that Jaqen H’agar last took and who says he is “No One.”

And last… who is the Prologue POV of A Dance with Dragons?

Varamyr: Me.

And what do you think happens to you, based on what happens to everyone else?

Varamyr: FUUUUUUUUCK!

The fire in Varamyr’s hut finally dies and the true cold starts to creep inside.

Varamyr: Looks like I’m gone for now. Yep, it’s all over for old Varamyr Sixsl—

Thistle runs into the hut.

Thistle: They’re coming! They’re coming! COME ON! We’ve got to leave! There are HUNDREDS OF THEM?!

Varamyr: Oh shit! You came back for me, Thistle!

Thistle: Of course I did.

Varamyr: Mwahaha, perfect.

He tries to warg into her. She feels it.

Thistle: AGGHHHH!!! AGHHHHH! WHAT THE FUCK?! AGGHHHH!!!!!

She starts to claw at her own face, fighting him off. In the struggle, she bites off her own tongue and he tastes the blood in her mouth. She falls to the ground, dying. But she takes his stupid ass out with her.

But Varamyr knows that his body is now lost too. He’ll be dead in minutes, at maximum. Now with Thistle dead, his last chance to live on is through his wolf, One Eye.

Varamyr: Well fuck you, narrator. I’m not going to die. I’ll prove you wrong. None of those other Prologue POV assholes had warg powers. But I do. This body may die… but I will not! Varamyr Sixskins will live on through One Eye the Wolf!

And so he wargs into One Eye for a final time. As he does so, his body dies.

One Eye / Varamyr:  *HOWL* [Translation: Hahaha! Yeah! Still alive, motherfuckers! But now I’m a wolf. Haggon warned me that if I do this, I’ll eventually be lost and become “all wolf.” But what does he know?]

One Eye / Varamyr trots back to the villiage and hut that he died in. Maybe he could eat his own dead body or something. Why waste flesh? Sort of fucking morbid, right? But you gotta do what you gotta do to survive. He could eat Thistle instead too, he guesses.

But when he and his pack gets to a hill above the village, the whole place is filled with Wights. 

One Eye / Varamyr:  Woof. [Translation: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!]

In the distance, a great elk trumpets, unsettling the children clinging to its back. A sleeping direwolf raises his head to snarls at empty air.

One Eye / Varamyr:  Bark! [Translation: Oh sweet! A reference to Bran, Jojen, Meera, Coldhands, his elk, and Summer. I guess we'll be reading about them pretty soon!]

One Eye / Varamyr looks down at the village, but the wights look back up. He sees one of the wights. It’s Thistle. But now she’s a wight. She looks right at him.

One Eye / Varamyr: *whimper* [OH FUCK! OH FUCK! OH SHIT! SHE SEE’S ME! SHE SEES ME! AGHHHHHHHH! RUN! RUN, MY PACK OF WOLVES! FUCKING RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!]

AFfC 45: Samwell V

The Cinnanon Wind sails through the Redwyne Straits, and Sam is freaking out the entire time (of course he is) because the Iron Islanders are sending raiding parties throughout the strait and attacking ships. 

Although the Cinnamon Wind itself isn't attacked, he can see the remnants of previous attacks in the water. Dead bodies floating all around.

Sam: I can see that some of these corpses carry complements of the crows.

*sigh* Yet another almost saying of the book title, but it looks like we're never actually going to say those words together, huh? 

Suddenly, the ship is boarded. 

Sam: OH SHIT! OH NO! OH NO!

But Mr. Coward here has nothing to worry about. It's just an inspection ship from Oldtown. 

Oldtown Coast Guard Captain: Oh hey there. Just confirming that you guys are actually a real trade ship. Sometimes the Ironborn reavers hijack a ship, kill all the crew, and then pretend to be trade ships to infilrate the bay.

Captain Xhondo: Nah, we're legit.

Oldtown Coast Guard Captain: Well, watch your shit. The ironborn now control a shitload of the towns and fortifications surrounding the Arbor and along the Mander. They've taken Ryamsport, Vinetown and Starfish Harbor. Even Oldtown itself remains at risk until Lord Paxter Redwyne can sail his fleet back from Dragonstone. Which should hopefully be soon, because I hear it was captured. Meanwhile, old fucking Lord Leyton Hightower has not left his tower in years and it's been up to his youngest son, Ser Humfrey, to try to protect the place. He's sailed to the Free Cities to hire sellsails.

Xhondo: Thank you for that narrative dump, so that Samwell can all now be aware of the status of things here.

Oldtown Coat Guard Captain: No problem, dude.

Sam: Oh geez. This seems really dangerous. I don't think Gilly will be safe at Horn Hill if things are like this. I might have to escort her there personally for her safety!

Xhondo: Hahaha, Xhondo sees what you are doing there. You are just trying to have sex with her again. Nice try, fatty.

Sam: HEY!

Sam thinks about keeping Gilly with him in Oldtown, but he knows that won't be allowed. 

Once they dock in Oldtown, Sam leaves Gilly on the ship and rushes to the Citdael, hoping not to be recognized by anyone along the way. 

Sam: I'm from around these parts. People might see me and remember me as Lord Tarley's fat, useless son. How embarrassing.

As he walks there, he passes by some gates with a sphinx on them. And the sphinx is explicitly stated as having the body of a lion, wings of an eagle, tail of a serpent, and face of a woman.

Sam reaches the Seneschal's Court, where he meets a clerk.

Sam: Hello there, clerk! I have SUPER IMPORTANT NEWS from the North! The army of the dead are rising to spread cold darkness upon the land. All will perish!

Lorcas the Clerk: Uh huh. Wait over there in that seat. You'll be seen soon.

Sam: Really? I don't get to skip in line? I fucking sailed around from The Wall to come here. It took a really, really long time.

Lorcas: Then I guess you won't mind waiting a little longer then, huh?

Sam sits down and waits. 

And waits. 

And waits. 

He sees people who came in after him be seen first.  He gets up.

Sam: Uhm... EXCUSE ME. I'm not sure you were paying attention, so let me clarify. The Lord Commander of the Night's Watch sent me here along with Maester Aemon. That's Aemon as in AEMON TARGARYEN, brother to a former King of the Seven Kingdoms and family member to several others. Up in the north, a group of evil, supernatural beings with glowing eyes known as "The Others" are rising to invade the Seven Kingdoms. They spread darkness and death and cold wherever they go. They have the power to raise the dead - and those dead become "wights," loyal zombie-followers to the Others who ruthlessly kill others. And what happens to those others killed? They also join the wights and become them. Their armies grow stronger by the day, and they seek to knock down the Wall that protects us.  Meanwhile, across the narrow sea there are stories of Daenerys Targaryen, the last-known heir to the Targaryen line, who has been able to bring three FUCKING REAL DRAGONS back to life.I need to speak with the Seneschal to let him know that--

Loras: --That's nice. Sit the fuck down.

Sam huffs and then sits back down. Someone on a bench close by scootches up to him.

Dornish "Guy": Hey there. I couldn't help but overhear you with that army of the dead and dragon shit. Lorcas is never going to let you in though. That dude is corrupt as fuck. You have to bribe him to let you through.

Sam: How fucked up is that?

Dornish Guy: Pretty fucked up. Oh, and it's a pleasure to meet you. I'm Alleras. Alleras the Sphinx.

Sam: OH SHIT! Alleras the Sphinx! Aemon was just talking about a sphinx! And I just passed a sphinx on the way here and the narration explicitly described it with the face of a woman. Like a woman with a dragon-ish, lion-ish, eagle-ish body.

Alleras: Woman's face? *shifty eyes* I wouldn't know anything about that. *deepens voice* Because I'm a dude. Such a dude. I like beers and titties. I'm not Sarella the Sand Snake. Nope.

Sam: Odd.

Alleras: Anyway, what is this sphinx stuff you're talking about?

Sam: Maester Aemon. He said "the sphinx is the riddle, not the riddler."

Alleras: Is that a riddle? A riddle about a riddle?

Sam: *shrugs* Fuck if I know.

Alleras: Seeing the Seneschal will be less than useless. The Archmaesters won't believe or care about anything you say because they are a corrupt, worthless bunch of old book-readers who do nothing. If this story you're telling is true, you need to come with me to the Isle of Ravens to see the Mage.

Sam: The Mage?

Alleras: Archmaester Marwyn.

They head there, and on the way over Sam runs into someone he knows.

Lazy Leo: OH SHIT! FATTY McFATSER! What the fuck are you doing here, Sam?

Sam: Oh fuck. Leo Tyrell? The kid who used to torment me as a child?

Lazy Leo: Dude, EVERYONE used to torment you as a child. That's not even a fair description of me.

But before this old reunion can go further, "the Mage" comes out. 

Marwyn: Dafuq is going on out here?

Alleras: DUDE! You have GOT to hear this crazy story that this Sam kid is talking about. Dragons being alive again. The dead rising. Ice zombies. *wink*wink* Yeah, crazy story that I "just learned about."

Marwyn: OH SHIT! Get in here, dude. And tell me EVERYTHING, Slayer!

He pulls Sam inside and shuts the door. 

Sam: Shit dude. Did you just call me "Slayer?" How did you... how... wait... are those burning obsidian candles?

Marwyn: Yep. All magical and shit. Now TELL ME EVERYTHING.

And so Sam tells him everything. What was happening up on the Wall. The Others. The Wights. The Horn. Stannis and his Red Witch arriving with the glowing, magic sword. His quest to bring Aemon here. Learning about Dany and the dragons. Aemon's death and last words. Well, he tells them ALMOST everything. He leaves some stuff out that he made vows of silence about. Such as helping Bran across the Wall with Coldhands, and swapping out Dalla's baby with Gilly's. He doesn't mention anything about that. 

Sam: ...So anyway, yeah. That's it. Aemon was convinced that Daenerys Targaryen is the fulfillment of the ancient prophecies. Not Stannis. Not Rhaegar. Not Rhagar's son, Aegon.

Marwyn: Prophecies, huh? To quote a famous old philosopher, "Prophecy will bite your dick off every time."

Sam: Is that Aristotle or Saint Thomas Aquinas?

Marwyn: Anyway, it's good that Aemon died before he reached Oldtown, or else these grey sheep who worked here would have probably killed him themselves.

Sam: WHAT?

Marwyn: Who do you think killed all the dragons anyway? The Maesters, that's who. You think they died off all on their own?  The world that the Citadel is trying to build has no place for sorcery, or prophecy, or glass candles. They prefer to keep their head in the sands to the ways of the world. Dragons coming back? That would scare the living shit out of them. Aemon was probably the greatest Maester of them all. Yet he was shipped off north to the Wall to freeze away, rather than being elevated to lead the Maesters years ago. Why? He could not be trusted. No more than I can be trusted by them.

Sam: Well, this seems like a worthless trip then.

Marwyn: Far from it. I will go to Slaver's Bay in Aemon's place, to serve and advise Dany. As for you, Sam. I recommend you stay here and forge your Maester's chain quickly. You will soon be needed on the Wall.

Sam: I... I... I'm scared! Doing things is hard!

Marwyn: Well of course you are scared, dipshit. You're scared of everything. I ask that you speak nothing of these prophecies and dragons to the other archmaesters here. Or else they'll probably poison your food. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be on my way.

He leaves. 

Alleras then comes up to Sam. 

Alleras: That dude is a fucking great, character, huh? I can't believe they left him and me out of the TV show. We are awesome. Just think about them including me in the show. Then their Dorne plotlines would have not sucked so hard. "Bad pussy" indeed. I could be played by... I dunno... My dad is the Red Viper and my mom is from the Summer Isles. Leticia Wright? Zendaya? Amandla Stenberg? Alexandra Shipp?

Sam: I'm sorry... what the hell is happening here?

Alleras: A bit of a confession, Sam. Our meeting was no accident. I didn't just happen upon you. The Mage sent for me to find you before you could see the Archmaesters.

Sam: How? How did you know?

Alleras: Marwyn saw you in the obsidian candle flames. Come. You're going to need some quarters here in Oldtown. I'll show you some available sleeping room.

Alleras takes Sam to a room.

Alleras: You're going to have to have a roomate though. Sorry.

Sam: Oh. Hi there. My name is Sam.

Roomate: Hi Sam. My name is Pate. Pate like as in Spotted Pate the Pig Boy. You know that old story!

Alleras: HEY! Pate... wait a minute... didn't you specifically say that you HATE being compared to Spotted Pate the Pig Boy in your prologue chapter?

Jaqen H'ghar* Pate: Did I?

*Technically not officially confirmed as canon yet, but COME ON people.

AFfC 44: Jaime VII

Riverrun has been surrendered. Edmure Tully did exactly what Jaime asked of him. Jaime released him, he walked in to Riverrun, and thus became its Lord again. He ordered the castle to lay down their arms and surrender to Jaime.

However, he did add in one little twist…

Jaime: WHAT THE FUCK, EDMURE?! You let the Blackfish escape before surrendering the castle?! THAT WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL!

Edmure: Correct, it was not part of the deal. But I also don’t remember it being NOT NOT part of the deal. The deal was not, “surrender the castle and don’t let Blackfish sneak out in the middle of the night.”

Emmon Frey: THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! I say you kill Edmure now!

Jaime (externally): Don’t worry, Frey. The Blackfish can’t get far. We will catch him soon. And when we do… he is a dead man.

Jaime (internally): Oh, there is no fucking way we’re ever going to catch the Blackfish.

Emmon storms off.

Jaime: Well, you really screwed the pooch on this one, Edmure. I gave you the luxury of being a prisoner, living in comfort at Casterly Rock with your wife and child. I could have offered much less sweet terms to you. And you still defy me.

Edmure: Sweet terms? Sweet terms? Here you are. Standing inside of Riverrun. The castle that I grew up in. Over there in that corner… I was a small boy, watching my father rule this place. I always knew one day it would be mine. So many life experiences were all here. This is the home of House Tully. My father died in that bed right over there. And now I have surrendered it to you. I have spit on my father’s legacy. It makes me physically sick to see you in here. To see the Lannisters and Freys who brutally murdered my sister and my nephew as guests at a wedding, now claim my ancestral home. And to have to surrender it to you. A kingslayer and oathbreaker. A sisterfucker. I fucking despise you.

Jaime: I have been despised by better. I’ll get over it.

Next, Jaime meets with Robb Stark’s widow, Jeyne Westerling, and her mother Lady Sybell.

Jaime: Hrm, look at this girl with her narrow hips. I can’t believe that Robb Stark betrayed the alliance with the Freys for this girl. Whatever. It worked out for the Lannisters, I suppose. 

Jeyne: Wait, wait, wait… did you just say that I have NARROW HIPS?

Jaime: Yeah. I think they’re sort of narrow.

Jeyne: But when Lady Cat Stark first met me, she specifically pointed out how WIDE my hips were!!!

Jaime: Hrmm. Odd. Whatver. Anyway… this girl isn’t pregnant or anything, is she?

Lady Sybell: No. Of course not. Just as Lord Tywin bid me, I made sure she drank of the magical abortion moon tea so that she could not get pregnant.

Jaime: WAIT! If I’m worried about Robb Stark having an heir if Jeyne is pregnant… and there is now a discrepancy about Jeyne’s physical appearance… does that mean that… *GASP*… FAN THEORY… Jeyne Westerling has been swapped out with an imposter and is still out there… perhaps WITH CHILD?

Jeyne: That would be cool and everything. But no. I don’t think so. I’m pretty sure I’m Jeyne. GRRM stated that it was an error. And your line about my small hips is explicitly removed in later editions of this book that were published.

Jaime: Oh.

Jeyne: I mean if GRRM wanted to leave it in there as a clue and plot point, then there would be no reason to edit it out later. I think people are probably trying to overly complicate things here. Besides, if Robb Stark has a living heir, then that would complicate the King of the North line of succession thing with Jon Snow and all. Which was a super important plot point with Robb sending out Galbart Glover and Maege Mormont with a letter saying that Jon Snow was his heir.

Jaime: Oh yeah. I forgot about that secret letter. Wow. A Storm of Swords Chapter 45, huh? That was a loooooong time ago. Have Galbart and Maege shown up anywhere yet with that letter?

Jeyne: No.

Lady Sybell: Anyway, like I was saying… I made an “understanding” with the Lannisters to make sure that Jeyne wasn’t pregnant. Tywin made a bunch of promises to me. Restoring land and titles and stuff. Including the release of my son Raynald, who was at the Red Wedding with Robb. Lord Tywin promised to arrange a high-born marriage for him.

Jaime: He probably dead, but I’ll check. As for all these promises Tywin made to you… I know nothing of them. And Tywin is dead now, so I can’t confirm what he might have—

Lady Sybell: —Well you better fucking keep up Tywin’s promises, dickface. I thought you Lannisters “always paid your debts.” You gonna dick us over?

Jaime: Wow. Pretty bold of a scheming, turncloak bitch who flip-flops between Team Stark and Team Lannister at the drop of a hat. But yeah, I’ll fulfill your promises. Maybe Rayland, if he’s alive, can marry Joy, my uncle Garion’s natural daughter.

Lady Sybell: Natural daughter? You mean BASTARD?! I won’t have my boy marrying no filthy bastard!

Jaime: Joy is worth ten of your fucking probably-dead Raynalds, you cunt. FUCK. Like I said, I’ll follow up on whatever schemes you made with my dad. But I won’t be happy about it. In fact, I want to take that necklace you’re wearing and strangle you with it right now. But I won’t.

Lady Sybell: Interesting. Do you have a strangling fetish, huh? Like… strangling women? As in the way that your sister, Cersei, dies in the prophecy of Maggy the Frog. When she’s strangled by the hands of the valonqar. Which means “younger brother,” which – as it has been established – you are to Cersei.

Jaime: Okay, I’m leaving now. You’re being sent as hostages with Edmure to Casterly Rock. If any of you try to escape… I’ll have you shot.

Jeyne: Shot? But guns haven’t been invented yet!

Jaime: I’m pretty sure I’m referring to arrows. Ugh. You two. Sometimes I wish you had just gone to that wedding and been killed there.

Jeyne sticks her tongue out.

Next Jaime goes to visit Edwyn Frey. Edwyn is not happy.

Edwyn: HEY YOU! ASSHOLE! YOU KILLED MY FATHER!

Jaime: Excuse me now?

Edwyn: Remember? My father Ryman! He was drunk and with that hooker on the battlefield. When he got in your face about releasing Edmure, you dismissed him and sent him back to the Twins to go inform Lord Walder to turn over all his prisoners to the Lannisters.

Jaime: Yes. I remember him. What about it? What do you mean he’s dead?

Edwyn: He was killed on the road, returning home! By those damn outlaws! Lady Stoneheart and her crew hanged him and his entire retinue near Fairmarket.

Jaime: Hrm. These outlaws grow bolder. And so close to the Twins? How the hell could they have known about Ryman though? HOW?! It’s like they have some sort of spy in this camp or something.

Tom O’ Sevens: *cough*cough* Oh, excuse me. Just the musician over here. A little bit of a cough.

Jaime: I don’t see what you’re bitching about anyway, Edwyn. Ryman was the heir to the Twins, no?

Edwyn: Indeed he was.

Jaime: And you’re Ryman’s eldest son, no?

Edwyn: I am.

Jaime: So when old man Walder finally fucking dies…

Edwyn: OH SHIT! I’M THE HEIR NOW! SWEET!

Jaime: Yeah, until one of your rival family members kills you. Probably your brother, Black Walder.

Edwyn: WAIT. WHAT?

Jaime: Oh, you know how it is with you Freys.

Edwyn: Hrm. You know… it wouldn’t put it past Walder to be behind father’s death. And he’s plotting for my death soon next, probably!

Jaime: Sweet dreams on that, Eddie! But I think it’s far more likely that Lady Stoneheart’s gang did it on their own as a complex plot to viciously murder everyone who was involved in the Red Wedding. So unless you played a direct part in the vicious murder of people under guest's rights, you have nothing to fear.

Edwyn: *nervous sweating*

Jaime: Anyway, the order to free those hostages still needs to be fulfilled. Tell me, is Rayland Westerling one of those hostages? Apparently my father made a deal to send him back to the Westerlings in exchange for their returned submission to us.

Edwyn: Robb Stark's squire boy? He took a bunch of arrows when he was trying to free Grey Wind from his cage. Then he stumbled off and fell into the river. We never found a corpse.

Jaime: Eh. Well I guess one set of bones looks like another. We might as well find some bones and send them to Lady Sybell. That the gods for that. Now Joy doesn't have to marry that dickwad.

Edwyn: Unless, you know, he’s still alive. You know how it is with GRRM and these things. No corpse. He might still be alive.

Jaime: Ugh. Enough damn fan theories this chapter!

Jaime them moves on to other business.

Jaime: I suppose Riverrun isn’t the only holdout that needs to be captured. Although it is the most important. Still, Lord Tytos Blackwood still holds Raventree. Guess we better go there next. Although Lord Blackwood is an old, feeble man… I guess he could still challenge me to combat for the castle. And he could probably still win. Because my sparring with Ser Ilyn has been doing NOTHING for me.

He goes off to spar some more, and as he fights with Ser Ilyn, he continues to confess about all his sex with his sister, and everything Tyrion told him about her fucking half of Kings Landing. Ilyn, who can’t really laugh, does his best Lady Stoneheart impression and wheezes some noises, which I guess are his version of laughter.

The next morning, Ser Dermot of the Rainwood comes to report to Jaime about the search for the Blackfish.

Dermot: Ser Jaime, my men were set upon by hundreds of wolves, led by some sort of crazy, large she-wolf.

Jaime: Hahaha, Nymeria. Cool. Anyway, did you find him?

Dermot: No. I literally just said that my men were attacked by hundreds of wolves.

Jaime: Oh. Then you better try again today. WE NEED TO FIND THE BLACKFISH!

Dermot: But… but… WOLVES. Hundreds. Of. Wolves.

Jaime: Right. Be safe out there. Bye!

Next Jaime goes to decide the fate of the Riverlords Robin Ryger and Desmond Grell, who…

Jaime: --WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! Stop for a second. Now I’m meeting with and/or deciding the fate of the Riverlords?

Yes.

Jaime: But I already had scenes with Edmure Tully and Emmon Frey, Jeyne Westerling and her mom, Edwyn Frey, sparring with Illyn Payne, and then another convo with Dermont of the Rainwood. This chapter is going all fucking over the place and I’m meeting with 6,000 different people.

Well, yeah. It’s your last POV chapter of the book, so we’re closing up a lot of loose ends.

Jaime: Jesus Christ man. How many more conversations am I going to have with people?

A bunch.

Jaime: And what am I doing with these Ryger and Grell guys?

You’re going to let them take up the black for surrendering. And you’ll assign Raff the Sweetling to take them to Maidenpool on their voyage there.

Jaime: Cool, cool. Now that you’ve explained that, we can move on. Next?

Ah, well you’re also going to talk to Lyle Crakehall, AKA Strongboar. You’re going to task him with going to Darry to try to find the Hound. Then you’ll warn him that if he catches Beric Dondarrion, that he is to be taken alive so that he can be publicly executed. Since nobody ever believes he is dead because all the previous times people said he was dead.

Jaime: Okay, that sounds like something I’d do. Anything else?

You’ll have another conversation with your Aunt Genna and--

Jaime: --OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE. Genna again?

Y-yes.

Jaime: Can we just hurry this filler shit up? Christ, no wonder all of this bullshit was cut from the show.

Calm down Jaime, I’m just narrating your chapter, man.

Jaime: Right. But this is just droning on and on. Can we do a speed run or something from here on out?

Okay. I guess. If it will quit your bitching.

Jaime: It will.

Okay, so your convo with Genna happens after a big speech that Ser Emmon delivers to Riverrun, now that he’s the Lord of it. During that speech, you’ll totally zone out and talk to that singer guy again.

Tom O’ Sevens: That’s me!

Jaime: Ah, okay. Now we’re getting somewhere interesting. The spy guy working for Stoneheart who has infiltrated the Frey camp. Only narratively I don’t know that. What interesting things do you have to say?

Tom O’ Sevens: Oh, just that I hope to stick around here at Riverrun and play for your Aunt Gemma and Lord Emmon this winter.

Jaime: Sweet. So I guess they’re as good as dead then, huh?

Tom O’ Sevens: Maybe! Guess we’ll see if GRRM ever gets around to writing The Winds of Winter!

Jaime: That’s fine. Gemma dissed me pretty rough, so I won’t miss that bitch. OKAY, enough of that. Narrator, let’s move this along again!

Next Jaime goes to bed and has a freaky dream about his mom, who he doesn’t really remember.

Spooky Dream Ghost of  Lady Joanna Lannister: OooOoOoo! Tywin dreamed that his son would be a great knight and his daughter a Queen. Too bad that never came true!

Jaime: Uhh… I am a knight and Cersei is a queen. What are you talking about?

Dream Ghost Joanna: Are you? Are you a knight? WHO ARE YOU REALLY, JAIME?!

She turns away and begins weeping. 

 Jaime then wakes up.

Jaime: Whoa. That was a freaky dream. Aren’t dreams supposed to be important or matter. What the hell was that supposed to mean?

No clue. Moving on, since you seem tired of fan theories. After Jaime emerges from sleep, he looks outside and sees that it is snowing.

Jaime: OH SHIT! It’s the first snowfall! Just like that asshole Ned Stark used to say… well… you know.

Riverrun’s Maester, Vyman, then comes into Jaime’s room.

Maester Vyman: Lord Lannister, a raven has arrived.

Jaime: Yes. I can guess its contents. It was a white raven, no? From the Citadel, saying that Winter has arrived.

Vyman: Uh… no.

Jaime: Oh shit. Really?

Vyman: I mean you expect the first time you see a snowflake for a fucking magical white raven to arrive at that exact instant to tell you that it’s winter?

Jaime: No… it’s just that I… uhh… okay, fuck you, dude. What’s the raven say?

Vyman: Usually just "corn."

Jaime: *sigh* I mean what does the raven's LETTER say? 

Vyman: How the fuck would I know? It’s addressed to you. I don’t go reading other people’s shit. 

Jaime: Well that’s polite of you.

Vyman: HAHAHA, just kidding. Of course I read it. Sorry about that, dude. It’s just what we Maesters do when we get letters. It was, like, super personal though. I totally blushed. It’s from King’s Landing. From your sister.

Jaime snatches the letter from Vyman’s hand and starts reading it.

Jaime: *ahem* “Dear Jaime, you absolutely won’t believe this because I am such a brilliant mastermind and plotter, but somehow through circumstances totally not my fault I have been arrested by the militant religious organization that I helped to establish for the many, many, many crimes that I have commited. I will need someone to fight for me. Please come and save me. I love you! I love you! I love you! P.S. You might also want to look into an STD test kit because I have some rashes. - Cersei.”

Vyman: It’s sort of fucked up that she just wrote “I love you” three times in it. I mean, what with you being brother and sister and all. And all those rumors.

Jaime: …

Vyman: Anyway, you want me to respond for you? I can write up a letter in response, telling her that you’re coming to save her or something. I mean you could write it yourself but OH NO WAIT, YOUR HAND HAS BEEN CUT OFF.

Jaime: Shut up, Maester Sassy.

A snowflake lands on the letter. The ink of the words starts to blur.

Jaime: And no. Put this in the fire.

Vyman: Yeah. Good call.

The letter burns.

Jaime: Let that dumb bitch get herself out of this mess. I am done with Cersei. D-O-N-E done.

Maybe. 

AFfC 43: Cersei X

Very Stable Genius™ Cersei Lannister is ruling the Seven Kingdoms and feighs shock, surprise and anger at Septa Moelle.  But the only thing she’s really angry at is the fact that it’s just a Septa who was sent before her, rather than the High Septon himself.

Cersei: WHAAAA? HOW DARE YOU ARREST MARGAERY! Why… why… I can’t BELIEVE that you did that! BAD religious people! BAD! BAD! BAD! What did you even arrest her and all her cousins for?

Septa Moelle: Fornication. Adultery. High Treason.

Room: *GASP*

Cersei: NOOO! NOOOO WAY! Impossible. How dare you say that of Margaery. My good son, King Tommen’s, sweet and innocent wife. Why she’s as pure, virgin and has sworn an oath to declare such.

Septa Moelle: She has been examined and that has been proven not to be true. You know… her… *blushes*… hymen is broken and all of that.

Cersei: WHAAAAA?! OH NO! Well, I guess she must be an adulteress and sex fiend then, huh? I mean there is NO OTHER WAY a girl’s hymen could be broken. I mean, beyond the plot exposition which was previously provided within this book series that, while mentioning Margaery, clearly pointed out that most noble girls break their hymens while riding horses. So it’s totally a common and well-known thing. Still. Maybe you septons don’t know how to inspect pussy right. I demand that the King’s own Maester, Pycelle, also inspect Margaery’s cooch to check the hymen. I bet that old prevert would really like that.

Pycelle: Hehe, yeah. I mean… NOO!!!! NO! And… I… ermm… well… there is no need.

Cersei: WHAAA? Shock and surprise on my behalf again, Pycelle! Legitimate shock and surprise that is REAL! Why ever do you say such words? Why is there no need to inspect Margary’s pink taco?

Pycelle: I… I have been bringing Queen Margaery moon tea.

Crowd: *GASP AGAIN*

Cersei: Hahaha, Maggy the Frog. Fuck you and your prophecy about being replaced by a younger and more beautiful Queen.

Commotion breaks out, and several Tyrell supporters in the room begin to quietly slip out and excuse themselves.

Cersei: Well, I’m sure that these rumors are still TOTALLY FALSE. Why I’d like to go to Margaery and the High Septon themselves and clear this whole confusion up. In the meantime… Lord Waters, you should stir the ships to be ready. The Tyrells will obviously not be happy about this development and Mace Tyrell might try to bring forces to the city to attack us.

Aurane: Aye, your majesty.

Orton Merryweather: And what of the trial of Margaery? The High Septon might want to try her himself, as it was done in the days of old.

Cersei: Oh. WOULD HE? WHAT A SHOCK THAT WOULD BE. MWAHAHAHA! Now if you’ll excuse me. I have some things to get signed by the king.

She goes to Tommen.

Cersei: Sign these.

Tommen: Oooh! I like signing things! What does this say? “Warrant to arrest…”

*SMACK*

Cersei: I said “SIGN,” not “READ.”

After the warrants for all of Margaery’s friends and accused lovers are signed, she goes to gloat to Taena.

[Insert another useless Taena-Cersei scene where Cersei explains how she is a genius and Taena broadly ass kisses]

Taena: Hey! Way to minimize my role in the story!

Cersei then heads over to the Sept of Baelor where she visits Magaery.

Cersei: OH NO! My poor sister! What have they done to you.

Margaery: Cersei! You’ve got to help get me out of here! I’m cold and almost naked! The Septas are abusing me! They wake me up every hour at night and order me to confess.

Cersei: Oh really? Terrible. Terrible. They say the hold thing is happening to your cousins as well. Or will be soon.

Margaery: WHAT?! MY COUSINS?!

Cersei: Yeah. Someone has been going around and accusing you all of being in big, giant gangbang parties with Osney Kettleblack. Gross. Right? Who would spread such terrible lies about you? MWAHAHA!

Margaery: This is TERRIBLE! Can’t the King order me released?

Cersei: Alas, no. For the king and the church must be separate now. I guess it will all be decided at your trial.

Margaery: WHAT?! TRIAL?!

Cersei: Yeah. You’re going to have a trial though. Don’t worry. You can ask for a trial by combat.

Margaery: W…what? A trial by combat?

Margaery’s eyes narrow.

Cersei: Why yes, of course.

Margaery: My brother, Loras, is sick. Very sick. He is unable to defend me.

Cersei: Well, you know… it WOULD have to be someone on the Kingsguard to defend your honor. Since you are the King’s wife. And since Osney Kettleblack has been arrested for sinning with you, it can’t be him. In fact, he’ll be the one that the guy you name has to fight. You certainly can’t ask Osney’s brother either. Which leaves only Blount and Trant.

Margaery: YOU VILE, SCHEMING BITCH!!!! YOU DID THIS! YOU DID THIS!!!!!

Cersei: WHAAAA? MEEEE? NO! NO!

Margaery: I WILL DESTROY YOU, CERSEI! WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE, I WILL DESTROY YOU!

Cersei: MWAHAHAHA! I AM AN EVIL GENIUS! THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN PROVE THIS! I AM UN-DEFEATABLE! Now… to go have a hilarious, gloating conversation with the High Septon.

She goes to do that.

Cersei: Oh, High Septon! This is terrible what has happened. Surely Margaery is innocent.

High Septon: That is for a trial to decide, Cersei.

Cersei: Yes, yes. A trial. Of course. You know. Since this is a religious crime… I guess it should be a religious trial, huh?

High Septon: I agree, of course. Unless she asks for a trial by combat.

Cersei: WHELP! I guess it is what it is then, huh? Well, now if you’ll just be excusing me… time to be on my way. I’ll just collect Ser Osney Kettleblack on my way out though. No need for the Church to have him arrested too. Seems more like something that the King should handle.

High Septon: No.

Cersei: Uhh… excuse me?

High Septon: No. He shall remain here.

Cersei: I DEMAND TO SEE HIM!

High Septon: Oh, I do not have a problem with that. Come this way.

Cersei is taken to Ser Osney’s jail cell inside of the Sept.  There, she finds Osney. He has been tortured and beaten. Cersei has a look of total shock on her face.

Cersei: You… you cannot do this! Why are you… ?

High Septon: Osney confessed to his deeds indeed. But the more we whipped him, the more his condessions changed. Now he says that he has never touched Margaery. But he did commit the sin of sleeping with a Queen. *ahem* Osney, is this true. Do you have carnal knowledge of the queen?

Osney: Yeah. That one there.

He points at Cersei.

Osney: She told me to lie about Margaery. And also told me to kill the last High Septon.

Cersei turns and runs.

She makes it about four steps before she’s totally surrounded by septas. They beat her down and drag her into a cell.

Cersei: YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME! I AM THE QUEEN! I AM A LANNISTER!

They tear her clothes off  and lock her in there.

Cersei: FUCK ALL OF YOU! FUCK THIS PLACE!

She picks up a chamber pot and throws it across the room.

Septa Unella: Hi there. I’m Septa Unella. You and me are going to become fast friends. *rings bell*

Cersei: Is that bell supposed to scare me?

Unella: Oh, it will. It will.

Cersei: Actually, I sort of need to pee now. Maybe a deuce soon.

Unella: Well, you angrily threw your chamber pot and broke it to pieces. Which means now you'll just be peeing and shitting on the very same floor  that you'll be sleeping on. Naked. And did I say "sleeping?" Oops. Because you're going to get little of that.

As with Margaery, she’s visited every hour and told to confess. She does not. They give her food that she rejects.

Time passes, with Cersei in bondage.

Eventually, Qyburn arrives. Is it two days later? Thee? One? Five weeks? Who knows. But it’s enough time for a lot of shit to have gone down.

Cersei: QYBURN! OMG!!!! GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

Qyburn: Ah, I wish I could, Cersei. But you are to be put on trial by a holy court of seven for murder, treason, and fornication.

Cersei: NOOOOOO! BUT I’M AN EVIL GENIUS! THERE WAS NO WAY I COULD FAIL!

Qyburn: Yes, giving a radical, religious fundamentalist sect total independence and power apart from the crown SEEMED like it was a good idea, didn’t it? Ensuring that all competent people running the kingdom were ostracized by you SEEMED like a good idea, didn’t it? Replacing all the members of the small council with yes-men who just did what you wanted SEEMED like a good idea, didn’t it? Ostracizing all other houses against the Lannisters to consolidate your own power SEEMED like a good idea, didn’t it?  Creating a bullshit story about Queen Margaery having an affair with Osney that could easily be called into question by a single person being tortured SEEMED like a good idea, didn’t it?  You had a lot of GREAT IDEAS. It’s hard to believe that this all came tumbling down on you. So, so very strange.

Cersei: I know, right?

Qyburn: I was being sarcastic.

Cersei: Huh?

Qyburn: Anyway, Queen Margaery is still to be tried herself as well. Osney recanting his story hasn’t changed that.

Cersei: Ah, well that’s some good news. So they don’t totally believe Osney then. Huh? This could still end up well.

Qyburn: That’s about the only bit of good news I have for you then. Remember what the narrator said a few lines ago about a lot of shit going down?

Cersei: Uh huh.

Qyburn: Osfyrd Kettleblack has been removed from the City Watch, as ordered by Ser Harys Swyft and Grand Maester Pyelle.

Cersei: How dare they! What did Lord Merryweather have to say about tha—

Qyburn: —Merryweather is gone, my Queen. He resigned from his seat on the council as soon as he heard of your arrest. He and his wife, Taena, seem to have fled to his estate.  Swyft and Pycelle have summoned your uncle Kevan to assume the regency in your place.

Cersei: WHAT!? NO! KEVAN!? BUT I HATE HIM! At least Taena won’t be around to testify against me though. Because I told all of my plans and plots to her.

Qyburn: Remember that fleet we had?

Cersei: We had? What are you talking about? Why are you talking in past tense?

Qyburn: Because it’s gone. Aurane Waters sailed away with it. We have no idea where he’s going. He’s either going to join Team Stannis, or he’s going to turn pirate.

Cersei: WHAT?!

Qyburn: Cersei, all your allies are gone. There is nobody left to speak in your defense. I urge you to request a trial by combat.

Cersei: A trial by combat? Yes… that’s a good idea.

Qyburn: Of course, as a QUEEN YOU WILL HAVE TO BE DEFENDED BY A MEMBER OF THE KINGSGUARD.

Cersei: Wait… that means my only options are… Trant and Blount?

Somewhere in the distance, Margaery laughs.

Cersei: FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKK!!!!

Qyburn: Indeed.

Cersei: NO WAIT! My brother is the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard! He can fight for me!

Qyburn: Yeah, two problems with that. First, he had his sword-fighting hand cut off. Second, in another idea that I’m sure you thought was a really good idea at the time, you also KICKED HIM OUT OF THE CITY.

Cersei: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! Okay, so maybe I made a slight mistake or two in my plotting. Whatever. I’ll just send back for Jaime. Make sure a raven is sent to Riverrun. Tell Jaime he must come back to Kings Landing at once to be my champion and prove my innocence. Oh. And also… tell him that I love him.

Qyburn: Eww. Really. You want me to write that in a letter?

Cersei: Yeah. Hell, write it three times.

Qyburn: Oh-kay. If you say so. Still though. Are you sure it’s a good idea?

Cersei: JUST WRITE IT! Pretty much everyone knows we’re banging anyway.

Qyburn: No, I mean are you sure that it’s a good idea for JAIME to be your champion? Jaime with the one hand?  If he’s your champion and he loses… well…

Cersei: Yes… then we BOTH die. But we will die together.

Qyburn: Hrm. Interesting that you would say that. About you two dying together. Sounds… sort of prophetic. Dying with your YOUNGER BROTHER, some would say “valonqar,” and all.

Cersei: *blinks obliviously*

AFfC 42: Brienne VIII

Brienne is having fever dreams, thinking about all the death and killing she has seen recently. She fades in and out of consciousness, vaguely sensing the fact that she’s been tied up and carried away on a horse.

She comes to, and sees two people. First – it’s Renly.

Brienne: Renly?

Gendry: DAMNIT! Stop calling me that.

Brienne: Oh… sorry.. sorry… I… ow… why does it hurt so much?

Girl: Well, half of your face has been eaten off by a cannibal.

Brienne: Oh shit. Ugh.

Girl: Here, have some of this. It will help with the pain.

The girl gives her a bowl of… uhh… chicken soup or something. And some bread. Tylenol doesn’t really exist here. 

Brienne: Thank you, girl. And who are you?

Girl: Jeyne Heddle.

Brienne: And… Biter… is he—?

Jeyne: —Dead? Yes. Gendry killed him.

Brienne: Where are you taking me?

Gendry: To m’lady. Stoneheart, that is. To answer for your crimes.

Brienne: My… crimes? What crimes do you speak o… uhh…uuhhh….

She passes out again. Once more she returns to her fever dreams. She opens her eyes for a moment and sees the Hound’s helm. She imagines that the Hound is alive again.

Brienne: THE HOUND! Oh no! You’re supposed to be dead!

“The Hound:” Me? Dead? Hahaha. No, it’s you’ll who be dead soon. After we hang you.

Brienne: H-hang me? But this girl just gave me soup and bread. You can’t kill me.

Jeyne: Yeah, guest rights don’t really mean what they used to ever since Lady Stoneheart came back from the wedding.

Brienne: Huh? Wedding? What wedding? Who is this Lady Stoneh… Stone… Sto…

She passes out again.

When she wakes up once more, she is inside of a cave. She’s also been stripped of her armor and weapons.

An old man comes up to her and treats her wounds. Her sight is blurry, so she can’t really see him.

Brienne: Th-thank you, ser. Is it bad?

Old Man: Is it bad? Yeesh. Yeah. There will be scars, for sure. It’s what happens when half of your cheek is eaten off. Still, I guess we're going to hang you. So you won't have the scar for long.

Brienne: I… I am still to be killed?

Old Man: Probably, but that is not for me to decide.

Brienne: Why bother treating my wounds if your gang only means to kill me?

Old Man: You deserve at least some good treatment for your deeds back at the Crossroads Inn. Your actions there likely saved everyone. Perhaps that will count for something with Lady Stoneheart, despite what you have previously done.

Brienne: What I have previously done?! And what is THAT?! Wait… wait just a second…

Her eyesight begins to clear up. She recognizes him.

Brienne: Thoros of Myr?

Thoros: The one and only.

Brienne: You’ve lost some weight. And hair.

Thoros: Aye, and other things.

Brienne: I had heard you were with Lord Beric, not Lady Stoneheart.

Thoros: Alas, Lord Beric is gone now. Have you heard all those stories about his immortal resurrection powers?

Brienne: Uhh… yeah. Sounded like bullshit to me.

Thoros: Well, it wasn’t. I could totally resurrect him, over and over. But his fire has gone out from the world now, and a grimmer shadow leads us.

Brienne: Where are my companions? Meribald. Podrick.

Thoros: Septon Meribald we let go, as he is an innocent man. But your two companions, the boy and Hyle Hunt… they are nearby, awaiting the same judgment that you will.

Brienne: Hunt? Ah, that guy wasn’t really with me. You can do anything you want with him. But the boy is innocent. Just a young squire.

Thoros: Aye, a squire for Tyrion Lannister. As you recall, the Lannisters are our enemies.

Brienne: I beg for mercy for him!

Thoros: Ah, mercy. There is short supply of that around here these days, I am afraid.

Brienne: What about justice?

Thoros: That too. You know, we used to be all about justice. We were a rag-tag group of Robin Hoods out here, defening the smallfolk from all sides of this cruel war. Yet it seems this war has made us cruel now too. The Brotherhood without Banners is less in the “justice” business now, and more in the “revenge” business.

Others arrive too, including some dumb asshole in a yellow cloak. He probably has a really dumb name too. 

Lem Lemoncloak: HEY! That’s not cool, narrator.

Brienne: The HOUND!

Lem: No. I’m just Lem, wearing The Hound’s helm.

Thoros: It is an evil thing to wear, Lem. Think of all the past monsters who have worn it. Take it off and get rid of it. Have Gendry melt it into something else.

Lem: No way. It’s a perfectly good helm. I think it’s cool. I’m keeping it. Now come on, Kingslayer’s whore. Stoneheart wants to see you. Now.

Brienne: Kingslayer’s whore? What are you talking about.

Lem: Oh please. The number of times you called out Jaime’s name while you were dozing in and out of your fever dreams was insane. You’re clearly obsessed, woman. And that’s not to mention the sword and the papers you had. 

And they pick her up and bring her to another room in the caves. There a woman sits in the shadows.

Harwin: Here is the Kingslayer’s Whore. And this is her sword, as well as the letter signed by King Tommen.

He pulls out Oathkeeper, the sword that Jaime gave her. On its pommel is the head of a lion.  

Brienne: I can explain that. That does not mean I am loyal to the Lannisters. Jaime Lannister gave me that sword, to help me fulfil an oath he swore to Lady Catelyn Stark.

Lady Stoneheart makes a cackling noise that the others in the Brotherhood seem to understand, but Brienne does not. 

Brienne: Huh?

Harwin: Lady Stoneheart cares not of your oaths to Lannisters. She asks of your betrayals to the Starks.

Brienne: I did not betray the Strarks! Lady Stark sent to King’s Landing to exchange Jaime for her daughters, Sansa and Arya.  But by the time Jaime and I arrived, the two were already gone. And so was Lady Stark, alas. We received word that she was murdered by the Freys. Jaime stayed behind in Kings Landing, but sent me out with this sword, commanding me to find the girls.

Lem: To find the girls and bring them back to King’s Landing? To be the pets of Cersei Lannister?

Brienne: NO! Never. To bring them to safety. Look, I know that none of you are going to believe me, but it’s the truth! Jaime never told Cersei about any of this.

Jack Be Lucky: Nowhere is safe anymore. You should be hanged.

Lem: And who would actually believe that Jaime would keep a secret from Cersei?

Lady Stoneheart gurgles some more, and the other prisoners are brought out – Pod and Hyle. Hyle has totally had the shit beaten out of him.

Brienne: Whatever treachery you are accusing me of, those two had nothing to do with it. They are innocents. Free them!

Jack Be Lucky: You are all lions and should all die.

Lady Stoneheart: *gurgle*gargle*

Harwin: Lady Stoneheart says that this blade looks… familiar… for some reason. What is its name?

Brienne: It is called “Oathkeeper.”

Lady Stoneheat: *HISSSSSSSS*

Brienne: Wow. Really. Like a cat?

Hehe. Get it? Cat?

Lady Stoneheart: *gurgle*gargle*

Harwin: Lady Stoneheart says, “More like ‘Oathbreaker, you bitch. Or maybe ‘False Friend.’”

Brienne: To whom have I been false?

Harwin: To her. Have you forgotten that you once swore an oath to HER, not to Jaime.

Brienne: To her? What are you talking abou—

The woman steps out from the shadows and pulls off her good. Brienne sees the rotten, broken face of Lady Catelyn Stark.

Brienne: OHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIIITTTT!!!!

Jeyne: Guest rights AND death don’t mean what they used to.

Brienne: This… this… is impossible!

Thoros: Lady Stark had been dead three days when her body washed up. Lord Beric gave her the kiss of life, which in turn he surrendered his own. Now Lady Stark, reborn as Stoneheart, leads us.

Brienne: Lady Cat, I SWEAR I did not betray you. I never betrayed you! I… I was looking through the countryside. Trying to find your girls. Trying to fulfil the oath to protect them that you sent me on. Jaime… he…he… he continued that oath as well. He is not the man you think him to be. Or, at least, he is not anymore. On the road… horrible things happened to us. He protected us from rape and murder. It cost him a hand. He… he has some nobility in him. Some honor. He wanted your girls safe too. He was just as disgusted as I when he heard of what happened at the Red Wedding. He had no part in that.

Lady Stoneheart: *gurgle*gargle*

Harwin: Lady Stoneheart says you have a choice. Be her sword and kill Jaime… or hang.

Brienne: I… I cannot make that choice!

Jack Be Lucky: Oh sweet, I guess it’s hanging time then!

Lem: YEP!

They grab the ropes and string all three up.

Brienne: Please! No! Let the boy go free! Podrick is innocent!

Harwin: You had your opportunity to save them and save yourself. Lady Stoneheart gave you a choice. Sword or death.

Brienne: I told you, I cannot make that cho—

—And they kick the chairs from under the three.

Brienne, Hyle and Pod all begin hanging.

Brienne then screams a word.

Yep. That’s all you’re getting. “A word.” What word? What does it mean? No idea. But she’s alive in the next book, so it was probably something like, “sword” as in “I will be your sword and kill Jaime.” But it could have been “rutabaga” honestly. No clue. Guess we’ll just have to wait and see.