AFfC 6: Arya I

Arya, under the new pseudonym of “Salty,” is on the Titan’s Daughter as it approaches Braavos. They go under the legs of the Titan of Braavos, a giant statue that is pretty much just the Colossus of Rhodes. 

Arya: Old Nan used to say that the statue eats young highborn girls as sacrifices. But that was just to scare me because I was a young highborn girl. I don’t think that… oh man… why does the statue have to be anatomically correct under it’s little warrior kilt thing?! I don’t need to see those giant iron balls.

Denyo, the Captain’s Son: Hello Salty! Wanna learn all about the religion of Braavos?

Arya: Not particularly, but I feel like you’re going to tell me anyway.

Denyo: Something something, Many Faced God.

Arya: Oh, that was shorter than I expected.

Arya then reflects on her new, shortened kill list.

Arya: Ser Gregor, Dunsen, Raff the Sweetling, Ser Ilyn, Ser Meryn, and Queen Cersei.

As they pass under the statue’s legs and finally see the city of Braavos itself, she’s surprised to see that it has no city walls. In Westeros, every city has walls to protect it!

Denyo: Hahaha, the War Galleys are the walls! The ships protect Braavos.

The ship sails up, and comes close to the city.

Arya: I’m not sure I want to get off here. I mean I guess Braavos could be cool. Syrio and Jaqen are both from Braavos and those are my too favorite people. But it’s also kind of cool on this ship. Maybe I could stay here forever.

Arya looks over towards the Captain.

Captain Ternesio Terys: Get the fuck out of here, girl.

Arya: Well then.

The Captain’s other son, Yorko, then takes Arya onto a little boat to navigate the small canals that the big Titan’s Daughter can’t navigate.

Arya: Wow, look at all the shrines dedicated to all these gods! Also, how many sons does the Captain have working on his ship?

Yorko: Oh, we’re like all his sons. That dude gets around. Literally. He’s a ship captain. Ah… here we are!

Yorko pulls up to the dock at a grey, windowless temple of stone. The front doors to it are half white and half black, with carved moons on them. Arya gets off the boat and stares at the doors.

Arya: Wow! Those are some pretty nifty doors, huh Yorko? I dunno. But are we sure this boring ass building is where I’m supposed to go when I showed the coin to your dad? I’m not sure that I—

Arya turns around to look at Yorko, but the little boat has sailed off and Yorko is 40 feet away now.
Arya: Ah. Well, I guess I’m here now.

She walks up to the door. She knocks but nobody answers. She looks for a doorbell or a doorknob or something. But there is none.

Arya: Dafuq? What am I supposed to do? Hold out this coin and chant “Valar morghulis” or some shit?

The door opens.

Arya: Ah, I was being sarcastic there. But whatever.

She steps inside and the door closes behind her. For a moment, she is blind.

Arya: AHAHAHAHA. OH YEAH! DOES THE BOOK REALLY SAY THAT?! OH MY – THAT’S QUITE THE FORESHADOWING THERE!

Indeed.

Arya goes in further, and soon she finds herself in front of the statues of many strange gods with many faces.

Arya: I suppose that’s also supposed to be symbolic? Like the many faces I have had over time? Arya. Horseface. Lumpyhead. Arry. Stickboy. Weasel. Nymeria. Keyser Söze. Nan. Squab. Squirrel Girl. Wolf Girl. Madam Butterfly. Captain Crunch. Salty. The Red Baron. Uhh… some others that I’m sure I forgot.

She walks to a man who is weeping beside a pool, and who dips his fingers into the pool and sucks the water from them.
Arya: Oh, this guy must be thirsty, and yet lacking in the knowledge of how to make a cup shape with his hands. It’s cool, because I brought some Dixie cups with me. Let me help him out.

She pulls out her trusty stack of Dixie cups and fills one up, handing it to the man.

Man: Valar morghulis.

Arya: Uhhh… how am I supposed to reply? Oh right… “Valar dohaeris!”  I’m not sure what that means, but there you go.

The man stands up, and she notices that he’s been stabbed and is bleeding out.

Arya: DUDE! Why are you drinking water? You need to get to a hospital.

Man: Nah, it’s okay. Let me just go over to this alcove and lay down. You know, and die.

Arya: Oh. I get it now.

She turns around and sees another man and a young waif with him. They both wear half-black, half-white robes. The cloaks hide their faces though.

Cloaked Man: Welcome to the House of Black and White!

Arya: Is this where you make those cookies?

Cloaked Man: No.

Arya: ...

Cloaked Man: You are quite young, little girl, to come here and seek the favor of the Many-Faced God. That favor being death, I mean. That’s why people come here. To die.

Arya: Yeah, I just picked up on that. I thought that maybe you did the cookie things too. But I didn’t come here to die. Or for cookies. I came here looking for Jaqen H’ghar.

Cloaked Man: I have not heard of this man.

Arya: Are you sure? Because in the TV show – you are him. You pull off that cloak and I see you’re him.

Cloaked Man: Well, I’m not him here in the books. He’s still in Westeros, attempting to blend in at Oldtown. And it’s a shame that plot isn’t being carried out in the TV show too, because I’d really like to know what the fuck he is up to.

Arya: I guess you an just wait for the books to be completed to find out.

Cloaked Man: HAHAHAHA. Like that will ever happen.

Arya: Well, anyway… Jaqen gave me this coin. Check it out.

She shows it.

Cloaked Man: Who are you?

Arya: I’m Salty.

Cloaked Man: Bullshit. Give me your real name.

Arya: Nymeria.

Cloaked Man: Nope. Keep going.

Arya: Arry?

Cloaked Man: Getting closer, but no.

Arya: Okay fine. I’m Arya Stark of Winterfell.

Cloaked Man: This is the truth, I can see it on your face. And yet the House of Black and White is no place of Arya Stark of Winterfell.

Arya: But I have no place to go!

Cloaked Man: And how the fuck is that my problem?

Arya: *shrug*

Cloaked Man: Tell me, Arya Stark of Winterfell. Do you fear death?

Arya: Do I fear death? Do I, Arya Stark, fear death? Bitch, I am death. Death is my middle name. I threw away my Colgate years ago and now exclusively brush my teeth with death, three times a day. I even floss with it. The last sandwich I ordered was a BLD… bacon, lettuce and death. I told the guy behind the counter to hold the bacon and lettuce. Then I told him that I was just fucking with him and that of course I still wanted the bacon. Extra bacon, in fact. Along with extra death. I slit the throats of innocent castle guards who are just following orders and I feel nothing. I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

Cloaked Man: Hahaha, cool. If you’re not scared of death, do you wanna see who I am in the books instead of being Jaqen?

Arya: Yeah, let’s do this shit.

The Cloaked Man pulls his cloak back and shows of his face – it’s just a floating, yellowed skull.

Arya: OH SHIT! SKELETOR! Does that mean the Waif is Evil-Lyn?

Skeletor: ETERNIA WILL ME MINE, HE-MAN! Now give Uncle Skeletor a kiss, little girl!

Ol’ Skullface leans down to Arya.

Arya: Hahaha, you think that shit scares me? Nah, son.

She kisses him right on his big nose hole and then sees a worm crawling inside the skull. She grabs the worm.

Arya: I ain’t scared of nothin’, shorty. Watch this.

She goes to put the worm in her mouth, but it vanishes to dust.

At the same time, the man’s skull face vanishes to dust too, and is replaced with the face of a kind-looking old man.

Kind Old Man: Oh wow. That’s some hardcore shit there, girl. Nobody has tried to eat the face worm before when I do my Skeletor illusion. You hungry or something? You were talking about cookies before.

Arya: Oh yeah, I’m hungry. But not for food!

Kind Old Man: …

Waif: …

Arya: …

Kind Old Man: …

Arya: Murder. I’m hungry for murder.

Kind Old Man: Oh, we got it, Arya. You didn’t have to explain that.

AFfC 5: Samwell I

Sam is deep under Castle Black, and suddenly comes to the realization that he’s been reading books for over a day without ever coming up.

Sam: Wow, I’m like one of those Korean guys that dies at a video game center.

He is.

Sam: Maester Aemon told me to find a bunch of old books, which I did. But I got so excited to read! I’ve been down here forever!

Realizing that he should leave now because he has the books Aemon told him to get, he goes up to get some air and… you know… probably food. Because he’s a fatass.

Dolorous Edd: Oh, there you are! The Lord Commander wants to see you!

Pyp: Yeah, that Lord Commander being Jon Snow.

Grenn: I’m here too. Just to remind everyone.

Pyp: Yes. I died in the TV show during the Siege of Castle Black. Ygritte kills me. Then, later, you can see my corpse with all the bodies after Stannis arrives and we burn them all. But that’s not the case with the books.

Grenn: The same for me. In the TV show, I’m slain defending Castle Black in the raid. I’m essentially given the same role that Donal Noye is given in the books – defending the gate as the giant Mag the Mighty attacks, and me and Mag killing each other. But that’s Noye here. So I’m still alive!

Pyp: But neither of us really do anything else that interesting. Now we’re all bitter and angry and Jon Snow for being too busy to hang out with us now that he’s Lord Commander.

Sam: Okay, thanks for that narrative catch-up.

Sam goes to meet Jon, but on the way there he runs into Gilly. Literally, all the old books that he found for Aemon fall over the floor and some of the ancient texts with irreplaceable knowledge are ruined forever. Oh well.

Sam: *sucks in gut* Hey girl.

Gilly: Haha, you don’t have to do that. You rescued me after living an entire life of being raped by my father. The massive amounts of abuse I went through pretty much guaranteed me to favorably imprint on the next man other than my dad that I met. Which wound up being you.  But anyway, back to crying now. *WHAAAAAAAAA*

Sam: Oh hell. What are you crying for?

Gilly: *sniff*sniff*… I don’t want to say! Just, for narrative purposes, remember that Dalla’s son cries when it wants to nurse while my own son does not. *CRIES ANGRY*

She rushes off.

Sam: Interesting that she would explain the crying habits of two different children to me. Oh well, everything is put in these books for a reason… so I better keep track of that factoid for some reason.

He then goes in to see Jon.

Jon: Oh, there you are Sam. Geez. Where the hell have you been? Look, check this out!

He hands Sam a letter to King Tommen, unsigned. It tells Tommen that the Watch has allowed Stannis Baratheon to take up some unused castles along the Wall, but insists that the Watch itself is still neutral and… oh hey, by the way, can you spare any prisoners for the Watch?

Sam: I don’t think this will be enough for King’s Landing not to call us all traitors.

Jon: I know, I know. It’s a paper shield. Pretty useless.

Sam: But then again, Lord Tywin won’t want Stannis to take ALL the credit for protecting the Kingdom from the undead. Maybe it will work and Tywin will send men.

Jon: Maybe. It’s hard enough pleasing Stannis. The more I give him, the more he wants. Pleasing TWO kings? Now that’s impossible. Just think about Eleanor of Aquitaine. I mean she was married to both a King of France AND a King of England! Talk about a no-win situation.

Sam: Well, maybe Stannis will have luck getting allegiances from the Northern houses. Whatever. A paper shield is better than no shield. You should sign that thing and send it out.

Jon: Fine. *signs it*

Sam: So why was Gilly crying when she left here?

Jon: Ugh. Val sent her to plead for Mance’s life again. No way is Stannis going to agree to that though.

Sam: I heard Lady Melisandre plans to use Mance for some sort of sorcery bullshit. Burn him alive or something. How sick is that?

Jon: Do you mean awesome sick or awful sick? Because it’s sort of both. Anyway, it’s nonsense. All this talk about sacrificing the blood of a king to wake some dragon. Mance was just a dude in the Night’s Watch who abandoned it, went north, and declared himself a king. People started following him because he was charismatic. But really? King’s blood? He’s NO MORE OF A KING THAN I AM.

Sam: …

Jon: …

Raven: …

Sam: …

Raven: CORN!

Jon: See what I did there? See that?

Sam: Yes, I saw.

Jon: Oh yeah, and I guess Gilly could also be crying because I’m sending her away.

Sam: What?!

Jon: Yep. So how did your research down in the basement go?

Sam: Good! HEY! I learned about FOUR Lord Commanders that were actually younger than you! Wanna hear about them?

Jon: No, dickface! I sent you down to learn about the Others! I don’t care about young Lord Commanders!

Sam: Oh, on hat I haven’t found much. The records are sketchy and apocryphal at best. I found something about dragonglass daggers being weapons to use against them. Fire kills them too.

Jon: Duh. We already know all that shit.

Sam: They ride dead animals. Sometimes they hang out with ICE SPIDERS.

Jon: FUCK YEAH! ICE SPIDERS! That’s what I’m talking about! Why aren’t Ice Spiders on the TV show? That would be sweet!

Sam: It also talked about a mysterious hero named the “Last Hero” who could kill them with “Dragonsteel.”

Jon: What’s that? Is it, like, Valyrian Steel?

Sam: *shrugs* I’m not sure. But let’s go with… yeah… probably!

Jon: What else did the old documents say about the Others? Where do they come from? What do they want?

Sam: I dunno. I kinda got distracted by an old pile of Playboys from 1992 that were down there. There was the issue with the black chick that threw her kid and herself out of a window.

Jon: She threw her kid out of a window in the magazine?

Sam: No, she did it years later. We’re getting distracted from the plot though.

Jon: Ah, right. The plot is that you’re leaving too. With Gilly. And Aemon.

Sam: HUH?

Jon: Aemon is of royal blood, it’s too dangerous for him to stay here with that crazy ginger who wants to burn up royal people. Besides, he’s an old, old man. He won’t be around for much longer. I need a new Maester. And I need it to be you. The three of you are going to set sail for Oldtown. Gilly to get her out of here because there is no place for women to be in the Watch. You to train to be my new master. And Aemon to leave a peaceful retirement down where it’s warm.

Sam: So Oldtown is like Westeros’s Florida?

Jon: I guess.

Sam: The journey will be too hard for Aemon! He’ll probably die.

Jon: What? Noooo! What are the chances of that happening?

Sam: And Oldtown is close to where I grew up. By Horn Hill. I hate going that close to my father. He’s the worst.

Jon: What the hell, Sam? I thought you’d be SUPER EXCITED by this idea. You’re a cowardly fat fucker who is scared to death of these Others and Wights. You’re going to get as far away from them as possible. Plus you get to continue fucking around with your little chicka, Gilly. That despite your oaths and everything. And in Oldtown you’ll be surrounded by books. Books everywhere. Huge rooms full of books as far as the eye can see. This is pretty much your dream job.

Sam: I mean… wearing a chain and all? It just seems so Mr. T.  Plus my father, he—

Jon: --You have no father now. Only brothers. You are a member of the Night’s Watch. And as a Member of the Night’s Watch, you will obey your Lord Commander. So listen to him.

Jon looks around.

Jon: Oh wait… THAT’S ME. So back your fucking bags. You leave at dawn. Hasta la pasta.

Sam leaves, afraid. Because he’s afraid of everything. He’s pretty much like my cat, Lenny.  He goes to Aemon to complain and admit his fears.

Aemon: Quit being a little bitch, Sam. Even I’m not whining about this and I’m so old I’ll probably die on this boat to Oldtown.

Sam: That’s what I said to Jon too!

The next morning, they head out. Jon and Dolorous Edd are there to see them off.

Aemon: Ah, Lord Commander Snow. I have left a book for you, one of the ones Sam dug out from underground. It’s called the Jade Compendium.

Jon: “Jade Compendium” sounds like a well-educated Mole Town stripper who will take you into the Champaign room to grind against your crotch, but while she does it, she also talks to you about the effects that the construction of the Grand Island and Wyoming Central Railroad had on westward expansion, as well as its evolution to support increased traffic caused by the Black Hills Gold Rush of 1874-1877.

Aemon: No, it’s a tome of immense knowledge, written by the Volantene adventurer Colloquo Votar, who traveled to the east and visited all the lands of the Jade Sea. There is a passage you may find of interest. I've told Clydas to mark it for you. Some shit about Azor Ahai. It might be important in the future since you’re totally probably Azor Ahai.

Jon: Oh shit. Clydas is still around? Wow. I thought after Chett died we’d be done with the Dukes of Hazzard jokes, but I guess we still might be in for a few more.

Aemon: Knowledge is a weapon, Jon Snow. Arm yourself with it!

Jon: Thanks, motivational poster in a library. I’ll try to remember that.

Gilly then comes up, still crying.

Gilly: *sob* Make sure you find a good wetnurse for… “Dalla’s boy.” *breaks into full on crying*

Sam: Odd that “Dalla’s boy” got put in quotation marks like that, but okay.

Jon: Okay, all of you get the fuck out of here, and safe travels.

AFfC 4: Brienne I

On the road to Duskendale, Brienne asks everyone about you-know-who.
Brienne: Hey, have you met a redhead teenage girl on the road? Cute. Looks sort of like Sansa Stark but, you know, definitely isn’t her. She’s maybe tagging along with a fool or a jester. Like, you know, how Sansa Stark is also theoretically with one of those. But not her. Someone like her.

Random Person on Road: Wow, you are so fucking weird.

Still, Brienne persist because she promised Jaime that she would. Oh, and also Cat I guess too. Although where the hell would she take Sansa when she found her? Her whole family has been murdered.

As the night falls, she comes across two more travelers on the road.

Ser Creighton Longbough: Greetings, for I am the hedge knight, Ser Creighton Longbough. And this is Ser Illifer the Penniless.

Illifer: Yo. You’re really dressed strange for a woman.

Brienne: I am.

Creighton: Come, have dinner with us, weary traveler.

Brienne: Hrm. I dunno. If these books have taught me anything, it’s that everyone you meet on the road is some criminal with an ulterior motive. But then again I am bigger and better armed than easy of you. So if you do try some shit, I can probably just kill you.

She dismounts and joins them.

Brienne: Oh, have you seen a ginger girl? Cute. Young teen. Looks like Sophie Turner? Maybe she’s traveling with a fool?

Illifer: You mean Sansa Stark and Dontos?

Brienne: Uhhhhhhhh… no.

Creighton: So where you headed, lady?

Brienne: Duskendale.

Illifer: Cool. So are we.

Creighton: Perhaps we should ride together. Safety in numbers, ya know.

Brienne: Well, uhh, I don’t know about tha—

Illifer: WAIT! What is that crest on your chest?! You have the crest of some old, extinct house! You’re riding under a false identity. But I’m smart enough to figure out who you REALLY are. Big ass woman. Huge. Ugly as fuck. You must be Brienne of Tarth… the murderer of Renly!

Brienne: WHAT?! NO! I mean… yeah… I’m Brienne of Tarth, that’s true. But that Renly stuff is bullshit. I loved---er… I mean, I made an oath to protect him and I saw a Shadow with the Face of Stannis Baratheon murder him. It was black magic! I swear on my honor the stories about me are not true. 

Illifer: Hrmm. I dunno about that.

Creighton: Yes. Well. We can worry about that shit later. Now we rest.

Brienne doesn’t know whether to trust these two, but she is really, really tired. She tries to sleep with one eye open, but eventually falls asleep. The next morning she awakens, and is super surprised to find out that she hasn’t been murdered and her shit hasn’t been stolen.

Creighton: Yeah, come on Brienne. Don’t profile us like that. We’re just two legit hedge knights. Trying to do our thing.

And so with the dawn it is time to ride again, and they head out. As they travel, they run into a bunch of filthy, poor, chanting folks.

Brienne: Who are you?

Sparrows: We are Sparrows! Followers of the Seven Gods! Great sin has fallen upon this kingdom! We are transporting the bones of a murdered clergyman to King’s Landing. Join us! Join us on our holy quest to restore honor and religion.

Creighton: Nah, no thanks. Sounds boring.

Illifer: Yeah, we’re hedge knights out for a profit and adventure.

Sparrows: SINNERS! Renounce your worldly ways! You should be knights of the faith!

Creighton: Nope. Again, suuuuuuper boring.

Brienne: Hey! Why are you just asking those two guys to join you? Why not me?

Sparrows: HAHAHAHA! A woman playing a role in religion?!  That’s crazy!

Brienne: Have you seen a girl that – let’s face it – looks exactly like Sansa Stark?

Sparrows: No. Adios.

And so they leave.

Creighton: Wow. A murdered clergyman, huh? Who the fuck would kill a Septon?

Brienne: Based on this book series? Ahhh… pretty much anyone on any side of this war. I mean probably someone on team Clegane, but it could just as easily been someone allied with the Starks. You know, back when being allied with the Starks was still a thing.

They continue on and run into a merchant.

Hibald: Greetings, I am Hibald. These are my servants and my knight, Ser Shadrich. He is, as you would assume, obviously rich in Shad. He has all the Shad you could ever imagine! He has pools and pools of Shad at home, which he swims in like Scrooge McDuck. Except, instead of gold coins, he has Shad.

Illifer: What the fuck is Shad?

Creighton: I’m pretty sure it’s a fish. Like some type of herring.

Brienne: That doesn’t matter, please stop talking about fish. Good Hibald, tell me have you seen a young girl with auburn hair and blue eyes, perhaps accompanied by a stout knight or a fool?

Hibald: Do you mean Sansa Stark and Dontos?

Brienne: Uhh… no?

Hibald: Because there are, like, arrest warrants posted on the walls of every single post office in the Seven Kingdoms asking for any information about them. And that is exactly how the two are described. There is a HUGE REWARD to find them.

Brienne: No, I’m looking for a different pair. This girl is, like, my sister or something.

Hibald: Well, I ran into you. I guess I’m joining this group now.

So now Hibald and his crew join Brienne and her crew.

Shadrich rides up to her.

Shadrich: Don’t pretend, I totally know you’re looking for Sansa Stark.

Brienne: Nuh-uh.

Shadrich: The eunuch Varys has a reward for her. Come on! You can admit it.

Finally they arrive at an inn late in the day. They get a room and there are lots of internal monologues. Yadda yadda yadda. Jaime Lannister. Oathkeeper. Renly. And so on.  Finally, everyone goes to sleep and Brienne sneaks away, leaving everyone behind.

Brienne: That was getting to be way too much. It was like one of those RPG video games where new people join your party and you're like, "No! I don't want them!" But it's built into the plot of the game and they have to follow you, so you can't say no. I was having a whole fucking posse follow me. Forget that nonsense.

She heads out on the road, alone, in the black of night.

AFfC 3: Cersei I

Finally, a properly titled chapter! Oh wait. Cersei has POVs now?

Cersei: I do.

Is this gonna be like with Jaime? You know how we all hated him at first until we had his POV chapters? Then after we got in his head we saw he wasn’t so bad after all. In fact, many of the decisions he made that he was vilified for were, in fact, moral decisions.  Even his most questionable act of pushing Bran from that window, while still terrible, can be viewed from the lens of “protecting his family.”

Cersei: No. My POV chapters will only help to solidify me as a batshit crazy, power-mad person with an increasingly tenuous and warped perception of the world.

Oh. Surely there is something we can like about you. You’re at least a feminist, right? Like your perception that you should have power is based on the fact that women should be treated equally to men and have just as much right to rule.

Cersei: I guess some people could read it that way. But then again you can also read it as the only woman I support having power is ME and I generally have disdain or contempt for other women that are not me, unless they are sycophants who suck up to me.

Okay. So what’s up with you?

Cersei: I just woke up from a dream where I was sitting on the Iron Throne. It was a great dream. Until Tyrion came along and started mocking me and haunting me! That monster! Everything that is wrong in the world is his fault! Oh, also I was on the Throne naked. It’s sort of like that nightmare you have in school about giving a presentation naked.

Osmund Kettleblack: Cersei, are you okay? You were thrashing around in your sleep and now you seem to be talking to some sort of narrator that none of the rest of us can hear.

Cersei: No, I’m fine. What’s up? And why are you waking me up at this hour?

Osmund: Oh, you know. No big reason. Just a tiny little update I have to give you. Your father has been murdered while sitting on the shitter.

Cersei: Oh, well if that’s it then I’ll just go back to sleep for another couple of---WHAAAAAAAA?

Osmund: Yep.

Cersei: TYRION! TYRION MUST HAVE DONE IT! I BLAME HIM FOR EVERYTHING!

Osmund: Posh, posh. That’s crazy now. He’s locked away in a jail cell.

Cersei: TOMMEN! OH MY GOD, TOMMEN! Tyrion said he was going to do horrible things to him!

Osmund: We’ve checked. Tommen is safe and fine being protected by Loras Tyrell.

Cersei: Oh yeah. Fucking LORAS. That makes me feel really safe. Well, we better send someone to just double check that Tyrion is still in his prison cell.

Osmund: Sure. That sounds like some bitch work that we should have a bitch like Boros Blount do.

Cersei then starts extensively thinking to herself. If her father is dead, then now she is the lady of Casterly Rock and head of the Lannister family (Jaime can’t inherit as he’s taken his vows as a Kingsguard). She then goes to the Tower of the Hand just to see if the story is true.

When she arrives, she sees a bunch of people are already there. Her Uncle Kevan, Qyburn, Meryn Trant. Pretty much everyone who lives in the Red Keep.

Cersei: What the fuck?! Am I literally the last person being told about my father being murdered? I’m his daughter and heir! Even this weirdo Qyburn guy! Shouldn’t I have known fi--- HEY! What the hell is this over here in father’s bed?

Kevan: It’s a naked, dead, strangled hooker. Shae or some shit like that. I forget.

Cersei: Oh yes. I vaguely recall this person existing. Sansa’s maid or something? She gave evidence at the trial. What is she doing here?

Kevan: You’re really asking what a hooker is doing in your father’s bed? Because that seems like a silly question.

Cersei: Well father would NEVER see a hooker. So he must have just been questioning her about Sansa’s disappearance.

Kevan: Yes. That sounds reasonable. He was questioning her in the middle of the night, in his bedchamber, while she was naked. You clearly have a tight grasp on reality, Cersei.

Cersei: Kettleblack! You and your brother find out some way to get rid of this dead hooker!

Osmund: You’re saying that like it’s a challenging thing to do. This is a medieval society, Cersei. Dead hooker removal is one of the top three things that knights have to do for their Lords and Ladies. Trust me, this will not be a problem. We’ll pretty much follow all the standard protocols for dead hooker removal.  I mean just look at our waste management system!

He points over to the corner of the bedroom, where there are four trash cans. One says “Compost,” the second says “Rubbish,” the third says “Recyclables,” and the final says “Dead Hookers.”

Cersei: Okay. And Qyburn! You’re the guy who healed my brother’s hand, right? My dad’s body smells awful. Can you do something about that? Fix him up nice so the corpse looks good and is ready for the Silent Sisters?

Qyburn: Yes, my delightful and wonderful Queen who is the best of all time. So beautiful and smart and cunning! What a great idea. You’re just fabulous. It will be done that because you wish it to be.

Cersei: Did I call you a weirdo earlier? Sorry, I meant you’re the FUCKING BEST because I’m easily susceptible to all forms of flattery. You're going places, Qyburn.

Suddenly, Jaime appears.

Cersei: AGH! Brother. Where the hell did you come from?!

Jaime: A secret passage.  It’s obviously how WHOEVER DID THIS got in here. You know. Uh. Whoever that might have been. I wouldn’t know. *whistles innocently*

Cersei: Secret passages. What the hell?!

Jaime then hugs her.

Cersei: Oh Jaime! You must take father’s place as Hand!

Jaime: Is that some sort of sick fucking joke? A handless man as hand? That’s pretty rough, even for your savage ass, Cersei.

Cersei pushes away, angrily.

Cersei: FINE THEN, ASSHOLE! I HATE YOU! I will rule instead! YES! ME! CERSEI! Until Tommen comes of age, I will me the power behind the throne! I will be regent! I WILL RULE ALL! MWAHAHAHA!!!!!

Everyone standing around looks at her like she’s crazy. Which she fucking is.

Kevan: Can you two lovebirds take this outside?

Cersei: Lovebirds? What are you… oh… oh, I see. Yeah.

Kevan must know too? FUCK! Cersei can’t believe everyone already knows about her and Jaime. Despite that being, you know, a thing that really everyone already knows about and has known about for years but just don’t say in front of her.

Still, as much as she hates Uncle Kevan… he’d make a much better hand than her brother, she thinks. At least she thinks right now. Because she’s so irrational and driven by her thought at the moment that she will change her opinion on that 20 times in the next 20 minutes.

Cersei: (to herself) Lord Mace Tyrell must have had something to do with this! Those damn Tyrells and their daughter! The sneaky plotters! I bet Margaery isn’t even a virgin. She was married to Renly. And while everyone knows that Renly preferred the taste of hippocras, if you placed a tankard of ale before him… he’d drink it up!

Fun fact! This is pretty much as close as the books ever come to saying Renly was gay. Get it? Hippocras = boys and ale = girls. Well, that’s about it. 

Cersei: Soon enough I’ll learn the truth from the Tyrells! Varys knows everything, and I’ll use him to find out what they… uhh… wait a second…

Cersei thinks back upon everyone who was in the room with her dead father. It was everyone. Except Varys. And Varys is the eyes and ears of Kings Landing. He knows everything and gets there first. Yet Varys wasn’t there this time. Where the fuck is Varys?

Cersei: SHIT!!!!! VARYS MUST BE PART OF THE CONSPIRACY TOO!

Cersei is paranoid. But she’s not wrong.

Cersei: TRANT!

Meryn Trant: What?

Cersei: Go find Varys! Bring him to me.

Meryn: Uh, sure.

Meryn is about to leave, but as he heads out Boros Blount comes in.

Boros: So you want the good news or the bad news?

Cersei: …

Boros: I mean the good news is that the 7-Eleven by Fishmonger’s Square has Bugles again. You know? Bugles? Those little triangle corn snacks that you can stick on your fingers?

Meryn: Well, triangles are a 2-D shape. I think you mean “pyramid.”

Boros: Oh. Well. If you’re gonna be anal about it… technically it would be a “cone” because it has a circular bottom.

Meryn: Pyramid is still right. A cone is just a type of pyramid.

Boros: No it’s not! Cones are different from pyramids because the circular base!

Meryn: They’re different from SOME pyramids. All cones are pyramids, but not all pyramids are cones.  Cones are just a subset of pyramids.

Boros: NO THEY’RE NOT! THEY’RE—

Cersei: --JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, JUST TELL ME THE BAD NEWS, BOROS!

Boros: Oh, Tyrion is missing.

Cersei: *faints like a dainty southern lady*

Boros: Cersei? Cersei? Cersei?!

AFfC 2: The Captain of Guards (Areo Hotah)

Ugh. Another epithet chapter? Okay… I’ve been reading this for two pages and I still have no idea who this is about.

Areo Hotah: It’s about me, Areo Hotah.

Who the fuck are you?

Areo: The Captain of the Guards in Dorne.

Well FUCKING OBVIOUSLY. But you’ve never been mentioned before. Or have you? I dunno. Why should I give a fuck about you? None of us know anything about Dorne. Why are these new Chapters all about Dorne and the Iron Isles? WE DON’T CARE  ABOUT YOU!!! NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU!
Areo: That makes me sad. The Dorne story isn’t as terrible in the books as it is in the show. I swear!
   
If you say so.

Anyway, here we are in the Water Gardens of Dorne. This is Dorne’s version of a nice little summer retreat home where the Prince of Dorne, Doran Martell lives. But instead of occasionally visiting here for a bit of relaxation – Doran spends 100% of his time here and never goes back to the capitol of Sunspear. He has some leg gout and is pretty much a lazy asshole.

Areo guards the Prince, as he sits there watching the children play. But not in a creepy “this man should be arrested and not allowed within 100 yards of schools” sort of way. In an endearing way.

Obara “Whalerider” Sand: HEY THERE UNCLE!

Prince Doran: Ah, Obara… one of my brother Oberyn’s bastard daughters, aka THE SAND SNAKES. To what do I owe the honor?

Obara: Yeah, so, uh… my father is dead. Huh?

Doran: Yep.

Obara: And what are we doing about it? Because it looks like the way of getting revenge for the Lannisters murdering my father, AKA THE AWESOME RED VIPER RIP, is for you to sit in a garden and watch children play.

With Obara getting aggressive, Aero puts his axe up to block her passage. But that’s about all he’ll contribute to this chapter because he’s a worthless POS POV.

Areo: HEY!

Doran: No Areo, put your weapon down and let Obara come forward. Look my niece, if The Red Viper had been murdered it would be one thing. But he was not murdered. He was slain in lawful, single combat which he agreed to.

Obara: This is such bullshit. We should be marching north to obtain vengeance! Not just for my dad… but for Elia too! How many years have you sat by and done NOTHING to avenge Elia?!

Doran: Lord Tywin has promised us vengeance for her. He is sending us  the head of Gregor Clegane. My brother and the Mountain both died in that fight.

Obara: WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR!

Doran: Okay, get the fuck out of my face now.

She leaves.  Oh, and Doran’s Maester is also there. Did I not mention that? Because he arrived with Obara or something.

Maester Caleotte: Prince Doran, Obara is likely to return to Sunspear and stir up the crowds, encouraging war.

Doran: Yeah, yeah. I know. I guess I should leave these gardens and go back to Sunspear and rule my kingdom, huh? You know… try to get ahead of all this bullshit?  We should head out first thing in the morning. The crack of dawn! Yes, indeed. Of course, the flipside of that is once I’m back in Sunspear everyone will see just how gouty and infirm I have gotten. Word will get back to the Lannisters. Likely from that fucking White Cloak Ser Arys Oakheart who came along with Princess Myrcella.

Doran then chats with Areo for a bit, and Aero goes to bed that night and thinks about his past and stupid, meaningless backstory that nobody should care about. You will not see another POV from him in this book… so why even fucking bother learning about him or his childhood in Norvos?

The next day, the party eventually gets underway to head back to Sunspear. It’s several hours later than Prince Doran had said they’d leave because obviously this lazy, gouty motherfucker is just totally worthless, right? I mean it’s not like secretly he’s a mastermind with brilliant, Littlefinger-like machinations being planned? Because that would be an extra twist to his character that would make Doran interesting and worthy of the casting of brilliant actor Alexander Siddig. You’d definitely want to cast Alexander Siddig if you had a complex, layered character who is properly developed over the course of time.  It would be a giant waste if you hired Alexander Siddig and then just fucking threw away the character and made him worthless by only showing the seemingly incompetent, gout-ridden, moron version of the character that would do nothing to defend the honor of Dorne or his slain siblings. 

As the caravan towards Sunspear heads out, another of the Sand Snakes arrives and confronts Prince Doran.

Lady Nymeria “Colleen Wing” Sand: Hi, I’m Sand Snake #2! I am also furious about my father’s murder and wish to know what you are going to do about it.

Doran: How is this conversation going to differ from the earlier one with Obara?

Nymeria: It isn’t. This confrontation is simply an exposition tool to reveal that there are three Sand Snakes, and to provide descriptions for us. From Areo’s point of view, he finds Obara ugly and me beautiful.

Doran: Okay. Bye.

Nymeria: Bye!

By sunset, Doran and his party arrive at Sunspear.  There, they find the townspeople all spun up.
Townspeople: WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! YEAAAH! WAR!

They throw fruit at Doran’s caravan. Because that’s what dissatisfied townspeople did back in the day before they had both Twitter and unfettered access to military-grade assault weapons to express their anger.

They arrive in the Martell stronghold and find Princess Arianne Martell, Doran’s daughter. waiting for them.

Areo: GODDAMN. Arianne is a 10/10. Remember how I thought Nymeria was hot? Arianne is Grade-A, smoking!

Arianne: Hey daddy.

Doran: Hey there, best single character in the entire Ice and Fire series that was left out the TV show for no good reason because your character would have fucking rocked and easily been a fan favorite. What’s up?

Arianne: The third of the Sand Snakes, Tyene Sand, is waiting for you and would like a private word.

Doran: Of course she is. Okay, I’ll go see here.

Doran goes to see her. Areo also gives his internal reflections on the appearance and attractiveness of her, but do you really care?
Doran: I suppose you’re also here to tell me that we should go to war? That we should send an army up north and attack?

Tyene “Bad Pussy” Sand: No, of course not.

Doran: Well that’s a relief for once. 

Tyene: I mean why fight on their home turf? A war is coming… but we should make THEM MARCH TO US!

Doran: Oh god. Why didn’t I see this twist coming?

Tyene: We have Princess Myrcella here. Let’s just have her and Prince Trystane marry and declare her as the true Queen of the Iron Throne. She is older than Tommen, after all.  In Dorne, the law says that the eldest shall inherit, regardless of their sex. And she is in Dorne!  The Seven Kingdoms will have no choice but to react and send their Army to us to try to get Myrcella back.

Doran: I will…. uhh… think on it.

Tyene: Great, now give your niece a nice big kiss!

She comes forward to kiss her uncle and Areo tries to block her. Doran waves him off and she kisses him on the cheek and leaves.  Maester Caleotte then runs up.

Maester Caleotte: DUDE! You know that’s the Bad Pussy Sand Snake, right? She’s the one with the poison kiss thing!

Doran: Yeah, yeah, yeah. She’s not going to poison her own uncle though. Get out of here. *sigh*

Areo: Dude. What are you going to do? These Sand Snake girls seem to really want some war.

Doran: I guess I gotta do what I gotta do… find all of Oberyn’s daughters. Round them up and have them arrested.

Areo: What about Sarella? Sarella isn’t in Dorne.

Doran: Oh right. SARELLA. She isn’t here at all. SARELLA. She is somewhere else. I wonder what would happen if you spelled that backwards and also went back to the prologue chapter, two chapters ago, and examined it for a similar name of a "man" with feminine qualities that might just be Sarella in disguise.

Areo: You know the people on the streets will be furious when they hear that the Sand Snakes have all been arrested?

Doran: Meh. They'll probably be like--

People on Streets: --WAR! WAR! WAR WAR!

Doran: Yes. They'll be like that.

AFfC 1: The Prophet (Aeron I)

Hey wait, what the fuck is this? The Prophet?!

Aeron Greyjoy: Yes. I am Aeron Greyjoy. Brother to King Balon. Uncle to Theon and Asha. I am a great and very religious man, having been saved by the Drowned God. You may call me “The Prophet” due to my great and holiness. Just look how holy I am!

Aeron drowns a couple of people in the water. Because that’s sort of a thing that they do in the Iron Isles.

So I guess we’re doing POV chapters with epithets now. 
Aeron: Yes. And instead of only focusing on a handful of characters who have a number of POV chapters, now we’re expanding the POV chapters to numerous minor characters who only get 1 or 2 chapters in the entire book.

Oh, okay. So I guess we’ll see a chapter titled “The Prophet II” then?

Aeron: No.

So you won’t have another POV?

Aeron: Oh no, I will.

WHAT?!

Aeron: I’ll appear again in this book, but next time my chapter will be titled “The Drowned Man” rather than “The Prophet.”

WHAT THE FUCK?!  So we’re expanding the POVs out to multiple new characters, we’re not actually providing the names of those characters because we’re instead doing this cutesy fucking thing with epithets… and not only that… but the epithets themselves won’t actually stay the same from Chapter to Chapter?  That means new fucking obscure characters will show up and it will take several goddamn minutes of reading before we can even figure out who the chapter is about?!

Aeron: Yep.

No wonder everyone agrees this is the worst of all the Ice and Fire Books.

Aeron: Can we get on with the chapter?

Sure.

Aeron is drowning some dudes. Not like "drowning-drowning" though. You've seen the TV show. You know what I mean. Drowning them just enough so that they sit there dead for a second, but then cough up water again and are "reborn."

Dudes: AGH!!!

Suddenly three horsemen ride up. As the approach, Aeron recognizes them. They are the local lord of the Sparr, his son Steffarion, and Gormond Goodbrother. Don’t worry about them though because they don’t matter. There are exposition delivery machines, just like the rest of these worthless minor characters being given POV chapters in this book.

Aeron: Fuck do you guys want? Can’t you see I’m drowning people here. But not drowning-drowning. You know what I mean.

Gormond: Hey, your brother is dead.

Aeron: Well, I have a couple of brothers.

Gormond: The king one, I mean. Balon. Slipped off a bridge during a storm or some shit like that.

Aeron: Oh, am I just learning about this now? That happened tons of time ago. That happened before either Robb or Joffrey were dead. People thousands of miles away have already heard this news and I’m just a few islands over.

Gormond: This chapter is not chronologically correct. It’s supposed to have taken place in the middle of the last book. Don’t worry about the little shit like that, dude.

Aeron: Well, Balon must have incurred the wrath of the great Cthulhu. Which means he deserved to die since he was an unholy man. Unlike me. Who is godly.

Gormond: Ugh. Yep. You sound like you vote Republican.

Aeron: Mass shootings are unavoidable and childhood cancer is God’s will. Hurricanes kill people because of gay marriage.

Gormond: Okay, confirmed. Now you need to come to my dad’s house for some reason that is explained in the chapter, but I’m not going to bother with here.

They go to Gormond’s dad’s house. That’s Gorald, I guess. Whatever.

Gorald: Hey. So you know about your dead bro, right?

Aeron: Yes.

Gorald: Did you also know that your OTHER brother, Euron, AKA the Crow’s Eye sailed into town the day AFTER Balon’s death?

Aeron: Sounds like some suspicious timing. Balon dies and Euron arrives… both at about the same time.

Gorald: Yes. It’s the type of “subtle hint” in the book that we’re supposed to draw conclusions from but then the TV show is more direct and just like, “Yeah, Euron fucking did it. Why even pretend he didn’t?” But the point is – when he arrived he sat on the Seastone Chair and declared himself king. He sent letters to all us Iron Men castle-holder types telling us to pledge fealty. My castle is called Hammerhorn. If you care.

Aeron: I don't care. Also, WHAT?! Euron is an UNHOLY MAN! He once voted for women’s reproductive rights. Totally unacceptable. His arrival must be funded by the Jewish-George Soros conspiracy. He is not worthy to sit on the throne!

Gorald: Well, he is Balon’s eldest brother. Also, now you're taking this Republican joke thing a little too far.

Gorald’s Maester, Murenmure (don't worry... there will not be a quiz and Murenmure will never be mentioned again): By rights, the throne should pass to Balon’s children. Theon or Asha.

Aeron: Fuck that. You should pledge fealty to no one!  Okay, I’m out.

Aeron leaves. This time with one of Gorald’s other sons, Greydon, as an escort. Who cares, right?

Greydon: So you think there’s going to be a war for the Iron (Isles) Throne?

Aeron: Oh, Euron will fight to keep the throne, for sure. But neither Asha—a mere woman with a vagina and therefore less than a man according to religious teaching—or Theon are worthy competitors. No, if we want to put a candidate up against Euron it will have to be my other brother, Victarion! Victarion must be King of the Iron Isles!

Greydon: Wait. Victarion? The guy who got left out of the TV show because he’s so useless and uninteresting?

Aeron: Aye, that’s the one. A holy man.

Greydon: A holy man? Didn’t he beat his wife to death or something?

Aeron: Correct. This is a strong conservative value. #maketheironborngreatagain

And so Aerson goes wandering from town to town, to spread the news of Balon’s death. That’s the type of thing that wandering crazy prophet types do.  The drowns more people in the sea because that’s also a crazy prophet thing. As he does so – he prays to the Drowned God for guidance. Eventually, a revelation comes to him for what he must do.

The next day he meets with someone called Merlyn.

Merlyn: Am I King Arthur’s wizard or something?

Aeron: No.You are Meldred Merlyn, the head of House Merlyn and Lord of Pebbleton.

Merlyn: Oh. Hey, I got this letter from Euron saying that I need to bend the knee to him. You’re his brother. What would you recommend?

Aeron: Do not bend the knee! A vision has come to me for what we must do… for we must have… a k—

Merlyn: --Kingsmoot?

Aeron: Uh, yeah. That’s what I was going to say. How did you know? It’s an ancient and obscure tradition that hasn’t been done for like over a thousand years. Where after the king dies, a number of candidates put their name forward and give their case for which of them should rule.

Merlyn: Dude, this chapter is totally set in the past. Chapter 45 of A Storm of Swords already features a conversation about how the forces of the Iron Isles have retreated back so that they can attend a Kingsmoot. This is all old news. 

Aeron: Oh.

Merlyn: Why are you even for a Kingsmoot? It sounds sort of… uhh… Democratic.

Aeron: Right. I’m all for Democracy. So long as the system is fixed by an antiquated Electoral College system that ensures that conservative, backwater sexist racists can lose the popular vote but still win the election.  Democracy is great if the will of the majority can be nullified when it doesn’t conform with my wishes.

Merlyn: Ugh. This chapter is way too political and I hate it.

Everyone: KINGSMOOT! KINGSMOOT! SKINGSMOOT!

A Feast for Crows - Prologue

Everyone, say hi to Pate. 

Everyone: Hi, Pate!

Pate: Hi, Everyone!

Pate is novice in the order of the Maesters at the Citadel of Oldtown. He's named after "Spotted Pate," an ugly, pig-nosed boy from old folk tales. 

Pate: I HATE MY NAME! And I would definitely never introduce myself by citing the Spotted Pate story. Ever. Remember that for the future. 

Pate has been at the Citadel for many years now, trying to earn links on his maester's chain. Try to guess how many he has earned so far. 

Zero. 

Pate seems pretty worthless. And this is, after all, a Prologue chapter. So by now I think you can guess Pate's fate. 

Pate: Hey! That's not true. In the last book, Chett didn't die in the prologue!

True, and while he wasn't technically revealed as dead until a good way through the book - chronologically his death likely only occured a few minutes (or at maximum, hours) after his POV chapter. So yes, if you want to be anal about it... he didn't die in his prologue chapter. He died minutes later. 

Pate: HA! See? They don't always die.

Anyway, Pate is drinking in a tavern with fellow novices who are all training to be maesters - Mollander, Alleras "the Sphinx," Armen, and Roone. Don't bother remembering them. None of them will be important at all.

Alleras: Yes. Especially don't remember me. I'm not important at all. Also, do not notice that I have several traits that might be described as feminine. And especially never spell my name backwards and take note of that spelling for a future "missing" character that might be referenced. EVER.

Rosey the Tavern Maid: Hi guys! What will you have to drink?

Alleras: HEY! WHAT DO YOU MEAN GU-eeerr... yes. I'm a guy. Indeed. *shifty eyes*  I'll have beer.

Everyone else orders beer too. Except for Pate. Pate is too busy drooling and blushing. He's totally in love with Rosey the 15-year old tavern maid. He dreams of running away with her and getting married.

Mollander: Haha, stop being a fucking loser, Pate. You'll never get her

Armen: Yes, to have her... you'll have to win her over with true love.

Roone: Indeed, true love... OR you could simply pay her mother, one of the old tavern wenches that runs this place, a single gold dragon. Because her mother totally has totally been going around and telling everyone that her 15-year old daughter's virginity is for sale for a single gold coin.

Pate: Yes. I know that. That's the only reason I'm here. I met a magical, mysterious, hooded alchemist who promised me that he could turn iron into gold. And he said be back here at the tavern later tonight. All I had to do was steal one item from the citadel for him and he'd do it! Why, if he can turn a regular coin into a gold coin for me, then I could take Rosey's virginity. That's the only reason I'm waiting here at this tavern. It wasn't to hang out with all of you guys. Because I hate you all. You suck.

Mollander: You're just jealous because one of us is totally going to bang Rosey before you.

Pate: WHAT?! NO!

Armen: Yeah. I'd totally do it.

Alleras: Yeah! Me too! With my penis that I have!

Pate: DUDES, SHUT UP! I TOLD YOU ALL I DON'T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU!

Mollander: We don't want to hang out with you anyway. You and your boring talk about fake stuff like alchemists. We're here to talk about real stuff. Real stuff LIKE DRAGONS!

Armen: Oh bull shit! Dragons are extinct.

Mollander: Maybe here in Westeros. But they're alove overseas. Accompanied by a beautiful young queen! The stories are true. There are witnesses.

Alleras: THE DRAGON HAS THREE HEADS!

Roone: Is that some riddle of shit? You know, since we call you "Sphinx," I assume you speak in riddles and shit.

Alleras: No. Not a riddle. The queen you refer to is Daenerys Stormborn, the last of the Targaryens.

Mollander: Ah, yes. The Targaryens. Well, let's have a toast to our rightful queen!

Armen: SHHH!! Dood! Don't say that kind of shit around here. There are spies and snitches everywhere.

A guy walks up. 

Lazy Leo: Hi there. I couldn't help but overhear what this guy said. Sounded sort of treason-ey.

Roone: Fuuuuuuck! Mollander, you idiot!

Alleras: Okay blackmailer, what's your price to shut up?

Lazy Leo: Oh, a few beers should keep me quiet. Now let me drunkenly insult you all and talk about Dany. Oh yeah, she's out there in Essos. And she has three dragons. This is a FACT my men. It's confirmed by Maester Marwyn and he knows about shit like that.

Armen: Dude, Marwyn is fucking crazy in the head.

Lazy Leo: No way. This dude has a Dragonglass candle burning in his chambers.

Armen: More crazy talk. Dragonglass can't catch on fire.

Lazy Leo: It can with MAGIC. OoOoOoo... the spooky type of magic that exists when drafons are back in the world, and the old powers awaken.

Mollander: I think this motherfucker has been reading to much Lovecraft.

Alleras: Come on, let's get out of here. This Leo guy is annoying.

And so they all get up to leave. Everyone except for Pate, who is waiting for the alchemist. Oh, and Leo. Who is still there and being annoying. 

Lazy Leo: Oh man, you and your obsession with Rosey. Such a loser!

Pate: Shut up! SHUT UP! Or I'll kill you!

Lazy Leo: You can't kill me, loser. My full name is actually Leo... TYRELL! Yeah, you're in some deep shit if you mess with me.

Pate: Ugh. Whatever. Just leave me alone.

And so Pate waits it out for the alchemist. And waits. And waits. And waits.

Finally, his groggy eyes open and he realizes that it's dawn.  Even Leo is gone now.

Pate: FUCK! That stupid alchemist never came! I stole that OLD MASTER KEY THAT CAN GET YOU INTO ANYWHERE IN THE CITADEL for no reason.

Pate begins to leave, heading back to the Citadel to return the key. But along the way--

Alchemist: WHOA, hey there buddy!

Pate: DICK! You said you'd be there.

Alchemist: Oh, yeah. Sorry about that man. I just didn't care enough to show up on time. But I'm here now. HEY! How about we go into this back alley where nobody will see or hear whatever I do to you? That seems like a good place to complete our key-for-gold transaction.

Pate: Sure. Sounds reasonable. Especially for a Prologue POV character.

They go into the back alley. 

Alchemist: So man, you got that key for me?  Here is your gold coin!

He flashes some gold. 

Pate: WOW!  A real gold coin! SWEET! But wait a minute... I want to know who you are. Take off that hood hiding your face. I want to know WHY you want this key so bad.

Alchemist: That's none of your beeswax. But if you must know... here...

He pulls off his hood. 

Pate: Oh. Uhm. I have no idea who you are. Here, have this key.

The man is young, with black hair, and a slight scar on his right cheek. He takes the key.

Pate: Hrm. Why does that sound so familiar?

Alchemist: A man has no idea why that sounds so familiar. 

Pate: Why are you talking like that?

Alchemist: Why is a man talking like what?

Pate: LIKE THAT! Exactly like that! Like you're some type of Faceless Man assassin guy.

Alchemist: Oh, well, a man is definitely not an assassin.

The alchemist then murders Pate. 

Jaqen H'ghar*: Or maybe, you know, a man is an assassin.

*Technically not officially confirmed as canon yet, but COME ON people.