ADwD 33: Tyrion VIII

Tyrion is aboard the trading cog Selaesori Qhoran, which has now departed Volantis on its way to Qarth. Supposedly.

He watches Moqorro lead an evening prayer for the followers of the Lord of Light.
 
Tyrion: Wait, who is Moqorro? Is this yet another new character?

Yes, it is a red priest of R’hollor who works for High Priest Benerro.  Benerro has sent him along in order to give guidance to Queen Daenerys "I have a disability which makes me unable to hear bells" Targaryen.

Tyrion: This guy’s skin is black as pitch.

Sharkleberry Fin: WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! You can’t say stuff like that. Racist. It’s not FIN-TASTIC at all!

Tyrion: Oh god. Are you still around?

Moqorro: You talking about me?

Tryion: Uhh… no. Of course… not. I was just saying how I liked your tattoos.

Moqorro: *squints eyes*

Tyrion: So, see anything interesting in those flames of yours?

Moqorro: I see dragons. Both true and false. Bright and dark. And I also see you in the flames.

Tyrion: Yikes. Although you’re probably just trying to flatter me.

Moqorro: I'm flattering you by saying I'm seeing you burn to death?

Tyrion: Me... or Varys?

Moqorro: Huh?

Tyrion: Huh? Anyway,  how long before we arrive in Meereen?

Moqorro: Do I look like a red priest or the navigator of this ship? How the hell would I know?

Tyrion: Geez, sorry for asking.

Moqorro: You must be eager to see the world’s savior.

Tyrion: Jesus?

Moqorro: No. Daenerys.

Tyrion: Oh right. Yeah. Maybe she's the world's savior. I bet the Internet will be PISSED if she's not though.

Now is the time that Tyrion has a conversation where he learns the meaning of the name of the ship. But it’s unnecessary to go through with all that nonsense again, because I’ve already explained like twice that it means “Perfumed Seneschal.”

Tyrion: Good, I’m glad that’s done with. I’m going to go leave and hang out with Jorah again.

He heads back to his cabin, where Jorah is.

Jorah: Dude, I hate you. Go hang out with your pink shark friend.

Tyrion: Ugh. Really?

Jorah: It’s that or we write Penny and her stupid pig and dog back into the story.

Tyrion: OH PLEASE NO. THOSE CHARACTERS ARE THE WORST. SO STUPID! I’ll go hang out with Sharkleberry Fin! I swear!

And so Tyion does that.

Sharkleberry Fin: FIN-TASTIC!

Tyrion: *groans*

For the next several days, Tyrion is super bored at sea. The only company he has is Sharkleberry Fin, which is pretty bad but also better than the horrible Penny plot which I’m leaving out.

Tyrion: Wow, removing this Penny stuff is making the chapter a lot faster-moving.

Sharkleberry Fin: FIN-TASTIC! It would go even faster if you stop mentioning her over and over again. We get the point.

Tyrion: Okay, okay.

The ship is rocked by a number of storms, which makes most people on the ship pretty sick. But they don’t phase Tyrion that much. In fact, he feels strangely exhilarated by them.

Sharkleberry Fin: You know Tyrion, now that the Kool-Aid man doesn’t hang out with me anymore, I sort of need a partner to ride on my back and tell all my puns to.

Tyrion: Oh no, I’m not playing any part of that. It’s bad enough growing up as a dwarf and have my entire life spent with people assuming I’m a jester there to entertain them and do flips and stuff for them.

Sharkleberry Fin: And yet previous chapters established that you actually willingly do all that flip stuff to entertain people.

Tyrion: Erm, I suppose.  Shut up. I don’t want to do a two-man show with you and listen to all your puns. Besides, you only have two of them. You replace words that sound sort of like “fin” with “fin,” and you have that “tastes so hip, you’ll wanna flip” thing.

Sharkleberry Fin: No way, dude. I’m working on new material. It’s gonna be a real SPLASH.

Tyrion: *groans* Okay, like hat?

Sharkleberry Fin: So check this one out! Did you hear about the shark who went to court? They found him GILL-ty!

Tyrion: I think I might throw myself overboard now.

Sharkleberry Fin: Oh come on now, that joke was… JAWSOME!

Tyrion begins to lift himself over the side of the boat so he can drown when he sees Moqorro.

Tyrion: Oh thank the seven gods, someone else to talk to!

He runs over to Moqorro.

Moqorro: Why would you thank the seven gods that you get to talk with me? I don’t even worship those gods.

Tyrion: Whatever. So let’s talk about anything.  Like… uhh… where the hell are we?

Moqorro: Very close to the coast of Valyria. They say that anyone who lays eyes on its shores are doomed.

Tyrion: Yeah, my uncle Gerion set out for Valyria years ago and hasn’t been seen since. You’d think the captain would be going a different route.

Moqorro: The captain isn’t a fan of the route we’re going either. But this is the shortest way to Dany and I commanded him to come this way. Others are seeking her as well. I have seen them in my flames and we must beat them to her.

Tyrion: Oh really. Like who?

Tyrion wonders if Young Griff / Faegon is still coming this way, or if he has heeded his advice to go straight for Dorne.

Moqorro: I see only there shadows, so I cannot be sure. But one is a monster with one black eye and ten long arms… sailing on a sea of blood!

Tyrion: Sounds pretty menacing.

Moqorro: Thanks, that’s what I was going for.

Tyrion: But I’m pretty sure you’re just talking about Victarion Greyjoy.

Moqorro: I am. Anyway, we’re probably just a chapter away from most of us drowning now.

Tyrion: Huh?

ADwD 32: Reek (Theon) III

Reek is in the keep of House Stout in Barrowton when Lord Ramsay Bolton’s “Frey search party” returns.  As soon as Reek sees Ramsay, he knows that his mood is sour and that his hunt has been unsuccessful. That’s obviously not a good thing, since Ramsay is a psychopath.

Reek: Well, he’ll probably cut off some more of my fingers now in punishment for no reason.

Instead, Ramsay throws a rotting head at Reek. He then heads off.

Reek: New head. Who dis?

Big Walder: That’s some goat herder that we ran into along the way. Ramsay killed him for calling him “Lord Snow.” You know, instead of his new name, “Lord Bolton.”

Reek: S-so… your cousins, the other Freys. Lord Bolton did not find them?

Big Walder: Nah, not that I expected that we ever wood. I bet that fat, pie-eating bastard had them killed.

Reek: Wait… so just to catch the readers up, because these books love starting In Media Res… I just want to clarify what you’re saying. You’re saying that three of your Frey cousins have gone missing… those being Rhaegar, Symond and Jared Frey… the three that were with Lord Wyman Manderly in White Harbor. Now they have gone missing and you suspect Lord Manderly had something to do with it?

Big Walder: That is correct.

Later, Ramsay is throwing a feast in the hall of House Stout. Reek is chained up to a wall and is occasionally thrown some food that is thrown in the direction of him and Ramsay’s dogs. The door opens suddenly.

In walks Ramsay’s father, Lord Roose Bolton. Everyone gets quiet.

Roose: Leave us.

Everyone gets the hell out of there, pronto. Because everyone is creeped out by this guy.

Reek: Well, I’ll just be leaving too then and… oh no! Damnit. Chained to the wall. I can’t.

Roose: I take it that you did not find our missing Freys?

Ramsay: Nah, but who gives a shit about a few missing Freys anyway? There are so many of them.

Roose: Lord Manderly is most distraught that they have gone missing. He says he blames himself.

Reek sees a twitch in Ramsay’s eyes.

Ramsay: Those fools should have stayed with Lord Eel Pie’s party then, rather than riding ahead.

Roose: You know how fat and slow Wyman Manderly is. He can only travel a few miles a day, and stops for meals about 26 times. The Freys were anxious to ride on ahead. Then they mysteriously vanished.

Ramsay: DO YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT BULLSHIT STORY THAT MANDERLY IS FEEDING US?

Roose: What gave you the impression that I did believe it? Still, his Lordship remains… most "distraught."

Ramsay: Not so distraught that he’s lost his appetite over it and plans to skip a meal. AMIRIGHT?

Roose looks at his son with cold, dead eyes.

Roose: Manderly has a monstrous appetite. Obviously you have noticed this.

Ramsay: What I’ve noticed is that he has brought nobody that we can use as a hostage along with him. Obviously on purpose. That fast, feast-throwing asshole is really trying to screw us.

Roose: Speaking of feast-throwing, I see you’re doing the same. What is all this?

Ramsay: It’s nothing, really. A small affair in House Stout. Really, you should be throwing me a GREAT FEAST celebrating my return in Barrow Hall.

Roose: I do not run Barrowton, Ramsay. The Dustins do. And Lady Dustin can’t stand you. Which makes sense because you’re a monster. What with you killing your older brother and my only legitimate son, a boy who she helped raise. But Lady Dustin also blames Ned Stark for her husband’s death, which makes her our ally. For now. An asshole like you can easily make us outstay our welcome… and we need their support.

Rasmsay: NEED their support? No way! You get their support by FEAR! If she disrespects us, we burn her entire town down and murder everyone, just like I did to Winterfell. We should skin that bitch Lady Dustin alive and use her as boots.

Roose: Wow, sometimes you’re such a sadistic moron that I doubt you came from my own seed. And you speak falsely. Remember, it was Theon Turncloak who burned down Winterfell and killed everyone. Remember?

Ramsay: Oh right. “Theon did it.”

He turns and gives a knowing glare to Reek, who looks away and pretends like he wasn’t listening.

Roose: You need to me more disreet with your “amusements,” son. People are talking. It’s not good. Oh, and also human skin makes pretty terrible leather, so those boots you’re talking about would be pretty flimsy. Trust me, I know. I’ve tried wearing human skin leather. It tears so easily.

Ramsay: Whatever, enough talk about this dumb place. We need to talk about Stannis! We need to march on Deepwood Motte now and face him! He totally didn’t take the bait and head for the Dreadfort like the Karstarks set him up to go to, because they are totally double-crossing him and pretending like they’re on his side when they are really on ours.

Roose: Not until you are married to “Arya Stark,” my son. And that shall not happen here. I have a better idea. The best place for you to marry Arya Stark, and secure the North… is in WINTERFELL.

Ramsay: Say what now? I burned down that… uhh… I mean THEON burned down that place. It’s a lousy mess of smoldering stones.

Roose: It must be rebuilt. It’s symbolic value is too high. As is its strategic battle for the fight against Stannis. If we are fortified in Winterfell, we will be well-defended. And Stannis should know that there is no way he can win the north without winning Winterfell. That will mean Stannis will have to come to us, not the other way around. Additionally, when Stannis marches on Winterfell, he will bring the forces of Arnolf Karstark with him. It is there that they will turn on him and join our side in the middle of the battle.

Ramsay: Ugh. Whatever.

Roose: Also, I’m taking your little… thing… with me.

He points at Reek.

Reek: W-what? M-me? No! Please! I’m just here in the background to hear everything you discuss but not to interact! I’m just here as a convienient POV character in the background to push the plot forward! P-please! Just l-leave me be!

Roose: For my plans, I will need the former Prince of Winterfell, if you have not already ruined him beyond having any use.

Ramsay: Grrr. Yes father, you may have him.

Ramsay goes over begridingly to Reek and unchains him. But he also whispers in his ear.

Ramsay: Oh, you are SO DEAD for this. I’m going to torture you so much.

Reek: P-please, n-no! I didn’t ask for this.

Ramsay: Be my spy. Tell me everything that my father has to say to you. I want to know it all. But say nothing about how I have treated you so far.

Reek: I mean he can see that I’m missing all sorts of fingers, am covered in filth, and am chained to wall along with some dogs. So, you know, I think he knows.

The two then ride through the city to Barrow Hall, where Roose engages in the closest thing to “pleasant small talk” that he knows how to.

Roose: My son is a predictable moron, so don’t act like I don’t know what he asked of you. He told you to spy on me and report back everything I said.

Reek: N-no, my lord. I just… he… uhh…

Roose: Oh come on, I remember the REAL Reek and you’re not him. That dude had major B.O. problems. They were natural. He would bathe and bathe and bathe and still stink. You’re only like this because Ramsay doesn’t let you bathe. You need to clean yourself up and act like the high lord you are.

Reek: N-no, my lord. I’m just Reek. It rhymes with “on Fleek.”

Roose: First of all, never say “on Fleek” again. Second, you said “my lord,” instead of “m’lord.” An easy way to tell that you’re not a filthy peasant. You give your true identity away.

Reek: Y-yes my lo… uhh… m’lord.

Roose: I gave the original Reek to Ramsay sort of as a cruel joke, but the two became inseperable. I’m still not sure which one corrupted the other. You know, Ramsay only exists because I raped his mother under the corpse of the woman’s hanged husband. I had trueborn children as well… my son Domeric. But Ramsay murdered him.  I suppose I’ll have other children too with my new wife. Although I expect Ramsay to murder them too. Whatever, I’ll be an old dad so it’s not like I was going to live long enough to see them grow up anyway.

Reek: Yikes, now I see why he grew up to be such a sadistic fuck.

Roose: Anyway, I need you to wash up and wear clothes again instead of rags. I need you to be Theon Greyjoy one more time.

Finally, they reach Barrow Hall, and meet with Lady Dustin.

Lady Dustin: Who is this frail old man with loose skin and white hair that you’re bringing to be?

Roose: Hahah… frail old man? This is, like, Theon Greyjoy. Rightful heir to the Iron Isles. He’s 22 years old or somethig like that.

Lady Dustin squints and looks at him closely.

Lady Dustin: Holy crap, that IS Theon Greyjoy. What did your bastard do to him?

Roose: Eh, he removed some parts. Nothing essential.

Reek gets down on his knees.

Reek: Please, m’lord! M’lady! No! T-there has been some terrible mistake! I’m not him! I’m not the turncloak! He died at Winterfell.

Lady Dustin: Died at Winterfell? You mean when the Night King killed him defending Bran?

Roose: Can we please stop making TV show jokes? It's getting pretty tiresome.

Reek: I'm not the turncloack! My name is Reek! It rhymes with “boutique.”

Roose: Boutique? Well, I guess it’s better than the last one he said.

Lady Dustin: James Vanderbeek?

Roose: I would have killed him if he said that. I’m team Pacey.

Lady Dustin: Hell yeah, Team Pacey all the way.

They fist bump on Pacey.

ADwD 31: Melisandre

Melisandre stares into the flames and prays to R’hllor looking for visions of Stannis. But instead of Stannis she sees eyeless faces weeping blood.

Mel: Those are probably the guys I warned Jon Snow about in his last POV chapter. The three men I told him would come back dead without eyes. Or, possibly the Weirwood trees that Jon Snow previously saw carved into trees that he tried to hide from me. There were three of them, and weirwood tree sap appears to look like blood quite often.

She sees towers crumbling into the sea as a dark wave comes by.

Mel: Maybe Eastwatch falling? Or being attacked. I’m basing that more on the TV show than anything else. It is the tower right by the sea, so it’s not a huge stretch.

She sees shadows shaped like skulls, skulls turning to mist, bodies locked together in lust, writhing around.

Mel: Uhh… At first I figured it was just generically about the armies of the dead. Maybe it still is. But that “locked together in lust” thing is confusing me.

She sees great winged shadows against a hard blue sky.

Mel: I’m going to guess Dany’s dragons. But that’s not what I want to see. I want to see that girl, Arya Stark! Jon Snow will want me to find her. I want him to like me SOOOO BAD. He’s so cute and I want to save his sister so that maybe we can have the hot sex.

She looks for Arya, but as she gets a glimpse, her vision vanishes into ash. Instead she sees a wooden face, corpse white. A thousand red eyes.

Mel: White faces makes me think White Walkers / Others, obviously. But the “wooden” and “red eyes” part makes me think about faces on weirwood trees again. I dunno.

She sees a boy with a wolf’s face howl.

Mel: Bran or Jon or possibly even Robb. Basically, they can all warg. Or could, in the case of Robb.

Next, instead of seeing into the future, Mel remembers her past. Blood flows down her legs and—

Mel: —What? Really?! Is it really necessary to mention that I’m on my period in this chapter? Gross and unnecessary narration there!

Sorry.
 
Mel: Don’t let it happen again, that’s super embarrassing.

Anyway, back to the flashback. Mel is in the past.

Slave Trader: Lot Number Seven! SOLD!

Woman: Melony! Melony! Noooo!!!!!

Baby Mel: MOMMY!

Mel: So are you sympathizing with me yet, everyone? Oh yeah, everyone hates Mel. She’s that evil red witch that burns people to death. But now you all know that I was a small girl named Melony that was stolen from my mother and sold into SLAVERY to the red priests. I hope you feel bad for me now.

She goes back to looking into the flames for more things. More skulls and grey skies and cliffs and fires burning out one by one. Stuff like that.

Mel: I’m just going to generically say that’s all about “death,” the enemy.

The flames crackle slowly. Mel hears them trying to tell her something. They say:

Flames: *whispering* Jon Snow.

She sees a his face. But then the face turns into a wolf. Then back to a man again.

Mel: Jon Snow warging into Ghost when he’s killed, only to go back into his body again. That vision is easy. Probably. Too much set up with the Varamyr prologue chapter for this to not be the case. But that’s not what I wanted to see! I wanted to see Azor Ahai! I pray to R’hllor again and again for a glimpse of Azor Ahai… but R’hllor only shows me Snow!

…

Mel: What? What?

…

Mel: What? Why has the narrator gone all silent on me?

Could you repeat that last line?

Mel: Huh? You mean “I pray for a glimpse of Azor Ahai, but R’hllor only shows me Snow?”

Yep, that’s the one.

Mel: What about it?

…

Mel: Oh. OH. OH. OHHHHHHHH. SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!  Jesus, this is super obvious, isn’t it?

Jesus?

Mel: I mean, uhhh, “R’hllor.”  Crap, I need a drink. Devon!

Davos’s son, Devon, comes up.

Devon: Yes, m’lady?

Mel: A drink of water please.

Devon fetches her some water and she drinks it quickly. She looks at him and sees him looking back at her.

Mel: He wants me.  Now go fetch me Rattleshirt, will you?

Devon goes to do that.

As Devon is gone getting “Rattleshirt,” she looks over all of her potions and powders and magic shit.

Mel: Hrm. My supplies are running low. But I just got to remind myself… I’m the one with the power. It’s not the potions. It’s me. And my powers are stronger here by the Wall. The Wall is magic, and it makes me stronger. All those potions? They’re basically cheap tricks.

Robin Zander: I waaaaaant you to want me. I neeed you to neee—

Mel: No. Stop.

Devon comes back… with Rattleshirt, who is not wearing his trademark Suit-o-Bones.

Mel: Whattup with the outfit? I wanna see DEM BONES, yo!

Rattleshirt: Why? All those bones going clickity-clack together was driving me insane.

Mel: The bones protect you, it is part of the spell that makes people see what they are SUPPOSED to see. If that fails… they will see who you really are. And they will kill you.

Rattleshirt: Fine. Whatever.

Mel: Hey, I want to tell you about some really messed up visions that I had. Something about three dead guys coming back without eyes.

Rattleshirt: Hahahaha, oh yeah. That’s “the Weeper’s” signature. He cuts out people’s eyeballs. He’s one of us Free Folk. Sorry if we haven’t mentioned him in the past that much, it’s just that he’s a pretty useless and unimportant character. Although if the Weeper is in charge of the Free Folk now… that’s a bad thing. I was thinking that maybe they would follow Tormund.

Mel: Yeah, yeah, whatever. I don’t give a shit. Now let’s talk about Jon Snow’s little sister. I need to save her in order to gain the Lord Commander’s trust so that maybe we can go out on a date.

Rattleshirt: Eww.

Horn: *BLOWS*

Mel: Oh hell… a horn blowing! That’s announcing the return of Rangers.

Mel leaves the room and goes down to the Wall. There she finds Jon Snow examining the EYELESS FACES of three rangers who have been skewered and planted in the ground.

Jon: Ah, shit. Well take their bodies and burn them before they turn into Wights.

He turns around and sees Mel.

Jon: I guess we need to talk.

Mel: WE DO!

She smiles and pulls out the sex lube. Jon knocks it out of her hands.

Jon: I SAID “TALK.” Not that.

They walk and talk together.

Jon: Well, I can’t say that I didn’t see this coming. You told me. You said I would send out nine Rangers, and three would come back dead.  So what of the six other Rangers?

Mel: I promise to look for them in my flames.

Jon: I hear reports of Wildlings assembling opposite of the Shadow Tower.

Mel: Speaking of towers, I had a vision of towers submerged in waves and darkness.

Jon: Hrm. So we’re playing the cryptic prophecy game, huh? Well, maybe you’re seeing Eastwatch, because it’s by the ocean.

Mel: Yeah, I guess. I mean. Maybe. Sure. That’s what I thought about first, because… you know… the TV show, that’s where the Others break through. But now, I dunno. I’m not so sure anymore.  ANYWAY, you should probably come back to my bedroo—uhh, I mean “room” to talk further.

Jon: NO MEL! I don’t want to sleep with you.

Mel: It’s not that, I swear! I have something waiting for you back in the room. A surprise.

Jon: that sounds sexual again.

Mel: It’s not, I promise.

They go back to Mel’s room. Rattleshirt is there.

Jon: Rattleshirt. REALLY?! Now I wish it was just sex with you.

Mel: Really? Okay, get the hell out of here Rattleshirt.

Rattleshirt: WHAT? But I waited for you here the entire time. Plus weren’t you about to send me out on a mission to save Jon’s sister?

Jon: WHAT?! NO! Rattleshirt is the worst. He’s a murderer. He’d probably rape and kill Arya before he saved her. We can’t trust him at all.

Mel: You think so? Well what about Mance Rayder. What would he do?

Jon: It doesn’t matter what Mance would do, because you burned him to dea—

Mel does some flashy hand movements, and Rattleshirt transforms into Mance.

Jon: WHAT THE…

Mel: It’s called a “Glamor.” It’s a magical spell to make Mance look like Rattleshirt.

Jon: So you burned…

Mance: Yes, it was Rattleshirt that they burned.

Jon: Well, that explains why when we put Mance to the flames, he kept screaming that they had the wrong person.

Mance: Correct.

Jon: It also explains why Rattleshirt was a lot less of a dick than he used to be, and also started to get all musical and playing all those songs that Mance used to play.

Mel: That’s also true. Quite observant of you.

Jon: It also explains the one time Rattleshirt got drunk, threw all of his bones off and ran around Castle Black screaming naked, “HEY EVERYONE, I’M MANCE REALLY ! YEP, I’M MANCE AND MELISANDRE PUT A THING CALLED A ‘GLAMOR’ ON ME TO LOOK LIKE RATTLESHIRT, BUT I’M NOT.”

Mel: WHAT?! Did you do that, Mance?

Mance: Just the once. But like Jon said, I was drunk. Nobody believed it.

Jon: Then after that, Rattleshirt screamed, “I KNOW YOU MIGHT NOT BELIEVE ME BECAUSE I’M DRUNK, BUT REST ASSURED IF YOU PUT TOGETHER ALL THE CLUES, YOU WILL SEE THAT I AM CLEARLY MANCE.”

Mel angrily glares as Mance.

Mance: What? WHAT?! Everybody makes mistakes.

Mel: *ahem* Anyway Jon Snow, Mance owes his life to you. He will not betray you. I told you that the Lord of Light would answer your prayers to save your little sister. Here is Arya’s deliverance… a gift from the Lord of Light… and from me.

Jon: *sigh* Okay. Thanks?

Mel: Words are wind. You could TELL me that you’re thankful, or you should SHOW ME that you’re thankful.

Jon: …

Mel: I’m talking about cunnilingus.

Jon: You know what? I’d honestly do it now because technically I don’t think that breaks my vow since there is no way I can “father a child” with you… except earlier in the chapter the narrator clearly established that you were on your period.

Mel: DAMNIT, NARRATOR! YOU COCK-BLOCKED ME!!!!!!

Mance: You know, beyond the wall we say that a real man loves his woman every day of the month.

Jon: Wow, you Wildlings are super freaky deaky.

ADwD 30: Daenerys V

Queen Dany is furious about the huge blockade of ships which surrounds the bay outside. Her admiral gives her an update.

Admiral Groleo: Queen, I beg you! You should use your dragons on the blockade out there. It’s the only way we can stop it.

Dany: Use my dragons? To attack ships at sea? No! What if the fleet has a big ass crossbow and they shoot Rhaegal?

Groleo: *blinks*

Dany: Anyway, attacking the blocade would be useful and logical, so I will refuse to do it for "reasons." If we’re trapped her and blockaded… then so be it. Barristan, how much supplies do we have to last?

Barristan Selmy: Our stores are plentiful. For now.

Next up is Skahaz.

Skahaz: My spies report that Hizdahr zo Loraq has visited eleven of the pyramids of the families, and of course you know there have been no murders for twenty-six days.

Dany: This is obviously good news. Hizdahr met with the old families of Meereen and the murders have stopped. He must have convinced the Sons of the Harpy to put down their arms.

Skahaz: Convinced them? Perhaps TOO WELL. If you ask me, he is probably their ringleader. He is the Harpy! He has asked that these murders temporarily stop until he gets to marry you. Then he will become King of Meereen and he will do as he pleases.

Dany: Oh, you really think that the Sons of the Harpy are actually an organized group led by a single person who is the actual Harpy? I figured they were more of a disorganized, grass roots movement kind of a deal. Like al-Qaeda. Only idiots thought that killing Bin Laden would destroy al-Qaeda, since it’s less of an organization run by someone and more of an “idea.” A movement.

Skahaz: Uhhh. Whatever.

Dany: Go on, Skahaz. Do you have anything else to tell me?

Skahaz: YES! I have an idea! We know what ships are blockading us. We can see them clearly. And we know that several of the ships are owned by the family members of the families in this city. I say we take those family members hostage and order the blockading ships to leave… or else we kill their family members!

Dany: No! I will not do that either. Sending my soldiers to the pyramids to take those families hostage would lead to open war in the city. We have had peace and no murders for nearly a month. I will not take any action that will start the killings again.

Skahaz: *sigh* You never listen to any of my great “murder people” advice.

He leaves. Next up is Grey Worm, who comes along with the “Green Grace” Galazza Galare and three “Blue Graces,” a group of healers.

Grey Worm: Yo Dany, whattup? You seen Missandei? I had a terrible dream that she was beheaded.

Missandei: No. I'm here.

Grey Worm: Oh, good. Anyway, uhh… I have some bad news for you from these healer ladies. This messenger came riding in from Astapor, telling us that the city was on fire.  But when he showed up he was sick as hell. He had an arrow wound in him, so we figured that he had some infection from the wound. But the Graces here now think it was something else… a “bloody flux.”

Dany: You mean like diarrhea?

Grey Worm: Well yeah, but if you say “dysentery” it sounds better. The messenger is dead now.

The Green Grace: This is bad, Queen! BAD! A harbinger of ruin!

Dany: I mean yeah, I guess it’s sad that he died, but it’s not like he brought an unstoppable plague that will kill us all.

Grey Worm: Errrm… about that…

Dany: Huh?

Green Grace: FOR THE MESSENGER RODE IN ON A PALE HORSE!

Dany: What does that mean?

Green Grace: When the Lamb broke the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth living creature saying, “Come.” I looked, and behold, a pale horse, and he who sat upon it had the name Death.

Dany: Revelations 6? Wait… what religion do you all follow in Meereen anyway?  If only Quaith had warned me about thi----ohhhhhh wait, she did. Damn it! SOMEONE… send for all my armies to retreat back to the city and return to me. I don’t want them dying of this unstoppable plague that’s out there now. ESPECIALLY DAARIO.

But now that the prophecy of this plague by Quaithe has come true… Dany wonders about that OTHER prophecy. The one about being betrayed three times. Will Daario betray her?

The first to return is Brown Ben Plumm. But that’s 8 days later.

Brown Ben: Hi! It’s me. Good ol' trustworthy Brown Ben!

Dany: Odd that you’d phrase your introduction like that.

Brown Ben: Queen, I have some refugees from Astapor here with me. They have some stuff to tell you.

The refugees tell her some horror stories from Astapor. And the city… just whoa… it was rough. Disease, starvation, rioting, armies outside their walls. And who are the refugees blaming? Her, of course. For not coming to save them.

Dany: Screw all of you guys. If I marched for Astapor to save it, I would have lost Meereen.

Brown Ben: There are more refugees on their way, many of them sick with the plague.  They should be barred from the city, lest they bring their sickness in here and kill us all.

Reznak: I totally agree. And in addition to that, you should marry Hizdahr at once!

Dany: Hrm. Should I listen to you. The Pale Horse prophecy thing came true. Are you the perfumed seneschal I should worry about?

Reznak: I say use dragons.

Brown Ben: Yeah! DRAGONS!

Dany: NO, DAMNIT! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL PEOPLE THAT I’M NOT JUST GOING TO WANTONLY START BURNING PEOPLE ALIVE WITH MY DRAGONS!

Reznak: It would be so cool though. I mean just imagine it. Like burning up the Lannister army with your dragon. It would, like, probably be the best episode of Season 7.

Dany: I SAID NO!!!!

Brown Ben: Ugh, if you refuse to use your dragons, then they should just sell Meereen back to Yunkai and leave for your Seven Kingdoms. What’s the point?

Barristan: I say we take on the invading forces on the field. Letting them siege us would be dumb.

Skahaz: No! I say we stay behind the walls. Why die out there when we are safe inside of these walls.

Dany: Ugh. Brown Ben, I need you to go out again and scout our enemies. Determine their numbers. That will allow me to get a better idea of how we should proceed.

Brown Ben: Of course. And maybe you should send out me, extremely trustworthy and loyal Brown Benn Plumm, out with a huge ton of gold. You know, so I can bribe our enemies and recruit them to our side. You know, because they’re a bunch of sellswords like you who will easily flip sides.

Dany: Yes, yes. That’s a really good idea. I’ll send you out with a huge stockpile of gold after you just acknowledged that you’re a sellsword who flips sides. So let it be done!

Thus Brown Ben leaves with a lot of Meereen’s savings. Which is a super smart strategy.

Dany: And of these refugees from Astapor… I say we let them in.

Barristan: No! They have the plague, my queen. We must not. I have seen the bloody flux take down entire armies. Shitting blood until they die. It’s terrible.

Dany: *sigh* Can we at least let them set up camp outside of the city walls? Then we could go out occasionally to provide them food and stuff.

Barristan: Sure. I guess so. But remember what I said before about our stock? That was to feed the people here. Not to feed scores of refugees outside of our city walls, fleeing from war.

Dany: Barristan, can I speak with you in private?

Barristan: Sure.

They head off to a side room.

Dany: Seriously though, what do you think our chances are?

Barristan: We have 99 problems, Dany. I’m not going to name them all, but just to start… we have too many enemies WITHIN the city to withstand a siege. Hence why I wanted to take our battle to the outside.

Dany: But if my Unsullied and other knights in training are outside of the city… only Skahaz’s Brazen Beasts will remain to hold Meereen. I cannot fight two enemies – the enemy outside and the enemy within. I need some way to get out of this… I need… I need… shit… I need Hizdahr zo Loraq.

Barristan: Wait... so you're willing to engage in a marriage pact with someone you don't love which involves the two of you co-ruling, in order to find peace?

Dany: Of course. I'm not an idiot.

Barristan: Then why aren't you willing to co-rule with Jon Snow, a man you actually love, in season 8? 

Game of Throne Writers: *shrug* Whatever, we don't even care anymore.We're basically just a parody show now that references past good seasons. HEY! Let's work in a scene where Bran AGAIN quotes a much more famous quote from an earlier season.

ADwD 29: Davos IV

Davos is imprisoned by Lord Manderly, but he has found his imprisonment somewhat… interesting.
 
Butler: Ah, Lord Hand Seaworth. A pleasant evening to you! For tonight’s dinner options, we will have a filet mignon, served in a butter-herb sauce, sided with a plate of blanched wild vegetables. However, if you would prefer the fish option, I have a whole tilapia that’s cooked in a quite delicious and spicy tamarind chile sauce, along with marinated onions and peppers cooked in the same sauce and served with brown rice. For drinks we have all the standard beers, wines and liquors. If you’d like to do a fancy cocktail, I’d have to check on what mixing ingredients we have because, alas, these are tough days in the north and our supplies are dwindling. We ran out of grenadine some time ago.

Davos: Uhh… excuse me… what the hell is this? I thought I am supposed to be imprisoned.

Butler: Yes. This is a prison.

Davos: Why do my towels all say “Four Seasons White Harbor” on them? And why is my room a master suite that overlooks the bay?

Butler: Oh, it’s because we’re imprisoning you in the Four Seasons.

Davos: This is very confusing.

There is a knock at the door. The butler answers it.

Robett Glover: Oh, hi there!

Davos: WOW! It’s Robett Glover, as played by Tim McInnery on the TV show! Dude, I loved you in Black Adder.

Robett: Yes, yes, yes. Everybody loved me in Black Adder. Can we get on with it?

Davos: What are you doing here?

Robett: Oh, I’m here to tell you what your King, Stannis, has been doing while you’ve been away on your mission. He’s made his invasion south from the wall to begin liberating the people from the tyanny of the Iron Isles. My own house’s ancestral home, Deepwood Motte, has just been liberated away from that Iron Bitch Asha Greyjoy by King Stannis. He’s pretty much a hero in the North now.  Oh, and also the plan is to eventually march on Winterfell. Word from Winterfell is that Ramsay Bolton, the son of Lord Bolton, plays to marry Arya Stark.

Davos: Well, this is all great stuff to hear. Awesome, in fact. I guess I won’t be alive for any of it though, what with Lord Manderly about to execute me. I’m surprised he even let you come here to tell me all of that.

Robett: Oh, he’s letting me do that and much more. Come with me!

Robett gets up and leaves the room.

Davos: I’m… confused. So, so confused.

Davos looks at the butler, who just shrugs and waves him to go out the door.

They head through the hallways of the Four Seasons White Harbor and go into a secret passage. At the end of the secret passage is…

Lord Wyman Manderly: HEY! It’s ME!!!!!

Davos: DAFUQ?

Manderly: Ser Davos, I apologize for the harsh way I treated you.

Davos: I mean it wasn’t that harsh. I was in a Four Seasons.

Manderly: Still, it’s no Ritz Carlton.

Davos: I’m used to smuggling onions and sleeping in ships and caves. This is all luxury to me.

Manderly: I mean I apologize for the way I treated you in front of the Freys. It was all a show to convince them that I was loyal. My son Wylis has finally been returned, and we are throwing a huge, celebratory feast for his return. There is all sorts of Eel Pie being served up there. Mmm mmm, so much eel pie. I told everyone that I had to take a huuuuuuuge dump and excused myself from all the festivities and eel pie. Which isn't a total lie, because I do have to take one, and I can tell it's going to be a giant steamer. Anyway, this is my only chance to sneak out and see you before you go.

Davos: Huh? Go? Go where? You’re not going to kill me?

Manderly: Kill you? My dear Ser Davos, you died ages ago. If you look at the tower over the gates of White Harbor, you can see  the head of a man who does not look too dissimilar to you on a pike, as well as a set of hands… one of which is cut off at the knuckles.  As far as the Freys know… Davos Seaworth was executed like a day of two after they last saw you. And they have surely also told their Lannister masters.

Davos: Who did you kill in my place?

Manderly: Eh, some prisoner. You need not worry about him too much.

Davos: What was he in for?

Manderly: Jaywalking. That’s not the point. The point is that I dare not defy Kings Landing while my son was the captive of the Freys. But now that I have him back, my plans can move forward.

Davos: And what are your plans?

Manderly: My plans are for JUSTICE. Justice against the Freys. Justice for the murder of my other son. Justice for the Red Wedding. Tell me, Davos. Can your King Stannis give me that justice?

Davos: He can, Lord Manderly. My King means to liberate the north from all these traitors – be it the Ironborn from the Isles, or the Freys, Boltons and Lannisters who murdered your son.

Robett: Stannis is not the King of the North though.

Davos: Aye, but the King of the North was Robb Stark, and he is dead.

Manderly: True, but Robb Stark was not the ONLY son of Lord Eddard Stark. Behold!

A boy comes out. A boy who is clearly not a Stark.

Davos: Uh, that’s not a Stark at all.

Manderly: No, he’s not. His name is Wex, and he’s an ironborn mute. But more importantly, he used to be Theon Greyjoy’s squire. He told me that—

Davos: --Wait, how did he tell you if he’s a mute?

Manderly: Shut up, smartass. He signed to me, which is a FORM OF TELLING, that he was at Winterfell when it was sacked and destroyed. He escaped by hiding up a weirwood tree in the godswood. He knows many things. For one, he knows that Theon Greyjoy is not dead. Instead, he is Ramsay Bolton’s captive. It was not Theon who sacked and destroyed Winterfell as everyone assumes – it was Ramsay! He is a cruel monster. They say he hunts humans for sport. They say he married Lady Hornwood to claim her house and then tortured and starved her. They made her eat her own fingers off for food. Anyway, he’s a pretty terrible human.

Davos: Yeah, he sounds like he’s the worst.

Manderly: The Freys are no better. Both Frey and Boltons are monsters, and yet I must still play along and pretend to be obedient to them. I have been summoned to go to Winterfell to attend the wedding of Ramsay and Arya Stark. I am supposed to bring the Freys with me here along with me. Despite that… I am willing to pledge all my assets to STANNIS on ONE CONDITION.

Davos: What condition is that? Tell me!

Manderly: Well, remember how I told you that this Wex boy survived by hiding in the godswood? Well, he saw something in the godswood when he was there. Six people and two wolves leaving – three boys, two girls, a giant and two direwolves. The boys could only have been Brandon and Rickon Stark – the two younger brothers of King Robb. Wex sexretly followed one of them. Find him for me, Davos. Find this Stark boy and bring him and his direwolf back, and you have my pledge that I will be for Stannis!

Davos: Why do you need me? I’m an old captain and smuggler. Can’t you find someone else to track the boy?

Manderly: I need you because the boy went to… well… show him, Wex.

Wex pulls out a dagger and thows it at a map on the wall. It lands in the middle of the Shivering Sea.

Manderly: Okay, okay. Bad throw, Wex. I’ll give you a do-over. The boy is obviously not in the middle of the Shivering Sea. Try again.

Wex nods, pulls the dagger out, and throws the dagger once more. This time it lands at Hardhome.

Everyone gasps.

Manderly: No, no. That’s not right either. Better and closer though, Wex. But not right. Here. I’ll just do it.

Manderly takes the dagger out and just puts it on top of Skagos.

Everyone gasps again.

Davos: Well, Skagos isn’t that bad. It’s the land of unicorns.

Manderly: Yeah, unicorns AND CANNIBALS.

Davos: Shut up about the cannibal part. I damn well know that, but I’m trying to ignore it and just think about the unicorn part. I'm trying to psyche myself up that I’m not going to have my flesh eaten by cannibals.

Manderly: Well speaking of eating, time to get back to that eel pie! MmmmMmm. Eel pie. I snuck you down a piece of it to try, Davos. But I ate it before you showed up.

Davos: That’s okay, my appetite is totally gone with this cannibal talk. Still though. Unicorns!

Davos pulls out a picture and caresses it. 

ADwD 28: Jon VI

Jon Snow tells Alliser Thorne that he’s about to be sent out on ranger patrol. Needless to say, Alliser is not happy.

Alliser: I’m not happy!

Jon: Obviously. You're never happy about anything. You're a perpetually angry douche.

Alliser: You’re sending me out in the hopes that I die!  Just know that if I do, you’re still not rid of me. I’ll come back as a Wight to kill you.

Jon: As much as you dying would be totally awesome, I need as many men as I can, and I need Rangers. I, reluctantly, don’t actually want you to die. I simply need skilled men to help me against the Wights and the Others. It’s already bad enough that everyone hates me for recruiting the Wildlings. Cotter Pyke and Denys Mallister have flipped their lids that I wanted to send them Free Folk.

Jon then heads off to Iron Emmett, who is now in charge of training new recruits.

Jon: So who are the best new recruits?

Emmett: Arron, Emrick, and Jace.

Jon: Oh. Don’t tell me I have to remember those names.

Emmett: Not really.

Jon: Because they sound like the name of gang members you'd gave to face as sub-bosses in a 1990's side-scrolling video game.

Emmett: They do.

Jon: Anyway, I’ll take them on and fight them!

He does so, and easily wins. He tries not to be a total dick about it like he used to be in the past though.

Jon: Erm… good work, guys. A little more training and you’ll be ready.

He pats them on the back. Then someone in the crowd slow claps.

Rattleshirt: Good work, defeating those little baby crows, Jon. But why don’t you face a REAL MAN, like me. Manc---uhhh…. “Rattleshirt.”

Jon: Grrr. Stupid Rattleshirt. I hate that guy. Stannis burned the wrong man. He should have burned Rattleshirt instead of Mance.

Rattleshirt: Wow. Really? A little too on the nose there, Jon. Is that lazy writing or what?

Jon: Still, I’ll fight you though.

The two begin to fight, and Rattleshirt is pretty good. How good? Well, he wins… for one.

Jon: Gosh, that sucked.

Rattleshirt: I should probably kill you now where you lay.

Other men of the Night’s Watch rush up and pull Rattleshirt away.

Night’s Watch Soldier: Did you hear that? He threatened the life of the Lord Commander! We should kill him!

Jon: No! Stop. Let him go.

Jon continues on to go see Clydas.

Clydas: YEEEEE-HAWWWW! Them Duke Boys sure are tearing things up, Boss Hogg!

Jon: Shut up and let’s get on with the plot.

Clydas: Here is a message from Ramsay Bolton that came by Raven! It says that he’s a rootin’ tootin’ marrying your half-sister, Arya Stark!

Jon: Whatever, I don’t care. She’s not my sister anymore. Not since I joined the Night’s Watch. I took an oath and severed all my ties.

But Jon is lying. Jon does care and he loves Arya. She’s his favorite sister. He is super upset and goes out walking along the cold wall with Ghost. There, he runs into a redhead.

Jon: Y-ygritte?!

Melisandre: No, idiot. I’m the only redhead woman at the Wall. I mean, other than some random Wildlings girls who may or may not be around here. Whatever. I see you’re being mopey. Care to tell me why?

Jon: Why would I? It’s not like we’re best friends and I’m going to share stuff with you about my sister Arya Stark being forcibly married to Ramsay Bolton. Oh wait. I just told you. DAMN!

Mel: I have seen this in my flames! Do not despair, Jon Snow! Your sister can be saved. I have seen her fleeing from Winterfell on a horse, heading in our direction.  Oh. Also, may I pet your doggo? He’s super cute. Almost as cute as you.

Jon: Weird.

He calls Ghost over and Ghost lets Mel pet him. Jon thinks that’s strange, because his wolf usually hates everyone else other than him. Mel hugs Ghost and Ghost licks her face.

Mel: Warmth calls to warmth. You should embrace the power that you and this wolf have, Jon Snow. Not flee from it has you have been your whole life. I can teach you how to use your powers. Join with me. Join with me and I will show you how to use your shadow.

Jon: Just to be clear, by “join with me,” you’re talking about having sex, right?

Mel: Obviously.

Jon: Sorcery is a sword without a hilt. There is no safe way to grasp it.

Mel: By wearing chainmail gloves?

Jon: …

Mel: I mean… that would work, right?

Jon: Uh… I suppose.

Mel: At any rate, a sword is still a sword. And you need swords, right?

Jon: Yes.

Mel: And I need you to stick your sword in me.

Jon: ENOUGH! Stop coming onto me, woman.

Mel: You do not trust my advice or visions now. That I see. You will pay a price for that, Jon Snow. Three lives to be exact. You have sent out nine rangers. Three will not return. That I have seen in my dreams. Or they will return, actually. Just without eyes. A small price to pay for wisdom, it’s true. But not a price you needed to pay. Remember that when you see the blind and ravaged faces of your dead.

Jon: Wow, that’s dark.

Mel: And on that day… come to me. Come and take my hand. Take my hand and help me save your sister!

Jon: … And…?

Mel: And also stick that hand up in inside me and give me a good finger-blasting.

Jon: *sigh*

Mel then walks into the snow, takes off her necklace, turns into an old woman, and dies.

Mel: No I don't.

Okay, she doesn't. 

Yet. 

ADwD 27: Tyrion VII

Tyrion (tied up and thrown on the back of a horse) and Jorah Mormont enter the glorious city of Volantis, which is really less “glorious” and more “on the brink of war.”

Tyrion: Please! Don’t sell me to Queen Cersei! It’s not even, like, worth all the trouble and such. I’m such a pain in the ass.

Jorah: You are correct that you are a pain in the ass. But you must pay for your crimes against my dear queen.

Tyrion: Deer Queen? Like a queen of deers? Technically a female deer is called a “hind.”

Jorah: No. Shut up. Not d-e-e-r. Why am I even bothering talking to you? You’re a kinslayer. How could you kill your own father?

Tyrion: Oh, great question. Release me from these ropes, give me a crossbow, and I’ll demonstrate on you.

Jorah: Sure, sounds good. I’ll just—HEEEEEY! WAIT A MINUTE!

Tyrion: Damn! Almost.

They continue to travel through the city, and Tyrion thinks he recognizes someone.

Tyrion: Oh wow! Is that Illyrio right there?! I can’t believe that fatass is down here. He turned around before the river and went back to Pentos. I thought.

Jorah: What? Where? I know Illyrio. We were together in Book 1.

Tyrion: Over there! See?

Jorah: Dude, that’s an elephant.

Tyrion: Oh. Oooooh.

Jorah: I can see your confusion though. He is quite fat.


Tyrion also sees tons and tons of poor-looking people with tattoos.

Tyrion: Who are all those peeps with the tats? Some gang?

Jorah: Slaves. All slaves are tattooed as children. Trust me, I’d know. I’m sort of a BFD in the slave-trading community.

Tyrion: Not something to brag about, but okay. Where are they going?

Jorah: They’re all going to see Benerro, the High Priest at the Temple of the Lord of Light.

Tyrion: Oh yeah, Haldon mentioned that Benerro guy to me. He said that it was part of Griff’s plan to recruit him to our cause. I’m not sure if that’s a good idea.

Jorah: I have no idea who these people are who you are talking about.

Tyrion: Neither does anyone who watched the show only. Ah, so anyway… do all of the slaves worship the Red God?

Jorah: Pretty much, yeah. I mean the whole slavery and red god thing are tied together pretty closely here. In fact, all the priests and priestesses of the red god have to be slaves, by definition. The priests and priestesses are purchased as small children by the church and brought up to be priests.

Tyrion: Oh man, that’s horrible. It’s almost like GRRM is trying to make people have sympathy for Melisandre now with the introduction of this plot point. Next thing you know, they’ll give her a POV chapter.

Jorah: …

Tyrion: What?

They head over and watch Benerro give his speech.

Bennero: [A bunch of stuff in another language]

Crowd: YAAAAY!

Tyrion: Well, I didn’t understand any of that. But this whole thing is unnerving me. These giant, emotional crowds. I’m remembering that time there was the riot in King's Landing. Back when the Hound saved Sansa and Lollys Stokeworth got gang raped. Oh, also a High Septon and a like one or two members of the Kings Guard were brutally murdered. Something like that. I can’t quite remember. It was so many books ago.

After watching the speech, Jorah goes to sell his horse. In doing that, he has enough money to buy some chains to put Tyrion in.

Tyrion: Wow, I am not sure of the relative exchange rate of valuables in the Volantis barter system, but I think you got totally screwed with that transaction, dude. Trading a whole entire LIVING HORSE in order to get some cheap chains?  You got SCREWED, BIG TIME!

Jorah: Hopefully not  Preston Greenfield. That dude was an ultimate fan favorite.

Tyrion: Yeah. He dead. 

Jorah: NOOOOOOO! Anyway, putting chains on you will let everyone know that you’re a slave. Then nobody will listen to you, no matter what you say.

Tyrion: Two questions. First… don’t I need to have a tattoo to be a slave?

Jorah: Good point.

Jorah takes out a sharpie and draws a crude dick on Tyrion’s forehead.

Tyrion: Fair enough, I guess I was asking for that. Okay, next question… and this is just something I want some clarification on what you just said. You said nobody will listen to anything I say if they think I’m a slave. Correct?

Jorah: I did.

Tyrion: So what if slaves are all like, “Come on everyone! Slave revolt next Thursday!” That means nobody would actually hear that because nobody listens to slaves?

Jorah: No… I… I didn’t mean… literally… but… grrr…

Jorah sticks a sock in Tyrion’s mouth.

Next they cross a bridge and go to the west side of the city. Tyrion would shout out “West Side” in a fake 90’s hip hop slang tone, but he can’t because he has a sock in his mouth. There they go to the Merchant’s House, which Tyrion remembers Griff talking about. It was part of Griff’s plan to take them all here anyway. So it’s sort of odd that the person who kidnapped him away from Griff’s crew is still planning to take them to EXACTLY where he was going to go anyway.

Jorah takes Tyrion to a room and chains him up. Tyrion spits the sock out.

Tyrion: Hey look dood, I know who you are. That stupid bear surcoat and you talking about how much you love slaving doesn’t exactly make it hard. You’re Jorah Mormont. I heard about you being discussed in small council meetings. Weren’t you working for Varys or something? You were, like, the Baratheron’s spy with the Targaryens over here in Essos. Reporting on them and trying to get a pardon to come back to Westeros. Until Robert ordered that Dany be killed. DUDE! We’re on the same side here! I’m working for Varys too!

Jorah: My loyalties lie elsewhere now, Imp.

Tyrion: Ugh. To Cersei? My stupid sister. Well why bother then? Just get this over with. Cersei wants me dead or alive – preferably dead. You should just cut my head off now and bring it to her. Then you’ll get your pardon.

Jorah: Haha, you’re such an idiot. Here, have dinner.

Jorah throws a bunch of Lunchables at Tyrion’s head.

Tyrion: Technically shouldn’t these be for lunch rather than dinner? You can’t have Lunchables for dinner, lest they be Dinnerables.

But Jorah doesn’t care and goes to sleep.  Tyrion is dead tired too, but he’s also bound up in uncomfortable chains, which makes it very hard for him to sleep.

By the next morning, Jorah makes Tyrion get up after almost no sleep. Tyrion is unable to walk properly, because the position of the chains made it impossible for him to either properly sit or lie down. Instead he was standing, hunched over all night.

Tyrion limps down to the commons room. As he sits for breakfast, he sees a strange, large pink fish hanging out and looking his way.

Tyrion: What is that over there? Do you see it, Jorah? I think that large pink fish is staring at me!

Jorah: Huh?

Tyrion: I can’t tell because it’s wearing sunglasses, but I could swear it’s looking right at me!

Jorah: Dude, you’re crazy and delusional from not sleeping last night. COME ON! Let’s just eat breakfast, wherein I can also provide some plot exposition about some exiled lord who has hired the Golden Company to win back his lands for him.

Tyrion: Hrmm. Sounds exceedingly like Griff AKA Jon Connington, and if indeed that has occurred than I totally “Inception-ed” Young Griff AKA Aegon Targaryen AKA Fake Aegon Targaryen AKA Faegon.  Now they’re totally going to go through with my plan to invade Westeros directly without stopping to pick up Daenerys first. Hahaha. He’s totally taken the bait.

Voice from Across the Room: Did someone say BAIT?! FIN-TASTIC!!!

Tyrion: Huh? Who said that?

But Jorah doesn’t allow Tyrion to figure out, as he picks him up and drags him off to go meet someone else.

Tyrion: Who are we meeting with now?

Jorah: The Widow of the Waterfront.

Tyrion: Wow, that’s a cryptic name. Probably not something you’d want to call her to her face. Does she have any other names?

Jorah: “Vogarro’s Whore.”

Tyrion: DUDE! That name is even worse. Can you just give me a description of her character so we can figure out who she is and what she’s all about?

Jorah: She’s just this old lady who runs a bunch of docks in Western Volantis.

And so they go to her.

Jorah: Hey m’am. I’d like to book passage to Meereen.

Tyrion: WAIT… MEEREEN… MEEREEN?! AHAHHAHAHA! The Queen you’re taking me to is DANY! Not CERSEI! OH GOD! THIS IS PERFECT!

Jorah: Huh?

Tyrion: That’s where I was supposed to go anyway! Ah-hahaha.You kidnapped me from people taking me to Queen Dany in Meereen so that you could take me to Queen Dany in Meereen.

Jorah: SHUT UP! STOP LAUGHING!

Widow: Ah, you wish to see the Silver Queen? Have you not heard the horrible stories about her? They say that she wants open immigration laws so that migrants can rape innocent white children. They say she’s turning Meereen into a “Santuary City” where illegals are allowed to take our jobs. They say she’s practicing the most vile sin known to mankind… SOCIALISM!

Tyrion: Geez. Is Fox News the only TV station they have in Essos?

Widow: Yes.

Jorah: None of these stories about Dany are true. She is a good and noble queen. These are lies being told by the slavers, who are angry that their slave trade has been disrupted by her activities.

Tyrion: Shouldn’t you be angry then too, Jorah?

Jorah: SHUT UP! I’m a reformed slaver! I mean every once and a while I have a little bit of a craving. But then I just force a few people into some mild indentured servitude for a few days and the craving passes.

Widow: You must wait if you wish to go to Meereen. There are armies heading east, going her way.

Jorah: Do you think there will be war?

Widow: Aye, but not the war they want.

Tyrion: Cryptic. Do you mind to provide any more detail on what you mean by that?

Widow: No. Tell me though, knight and imp… why do you wish to go to Queen Dany?

Jorah: I wish to serve her. Because I am a chivalrous man.

Widow: BWOOOP! BWOOOP! BWOOOP! That’s my lie detector going off, by the way. Such bullshit.

Tyrion: Haha, right? He’s totes in love with her and hopes that giving me to her will make her bring him back into her trust.

Jorah: I SAID SHUT UP!

Widow: The imp speaks the truth about the knight. But Imp, you have your own reasons to go there too, do you not? Tell them to me.

Tyrion: Well, I don’t really have a choice, do I? I’ve sort of been kidnapped and chained up by this asshole who is forcing me to go there.

Widow: Fair enough. But you said that you were heading her way anyway. Why would you wish to serve the Silver Queen?

Tyrion: Easy. FOR REVENGE! When Queen Dany and her dragons come to Westeros, we will be able to MURDER MY SISTER! I want to rape and kill her myself. SWEET, SWEET, REVENGE! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Everyone then goes silence.

Jorah: Wow, that was dark. I mean darker than last Sunday's episode?

Tyrion: Haha! I get it, Jorah. Good one.

Jorah: Thanks.

Tyrion: And just to make it clear, we're talking about the episode where you die.

Jorah: Shhh. Spoilers. Anyway. I was trying to say about you Tyrion, you’re a lot more heroic and noble in the TV show. In the books you’re sort of… well… yikes.

Widow: Indeed. But my BS detector didn’t go off, so I declare that the imp is being honest. He is worthy of my aid in going to Meereen.

Then, out of nowhere, a giant pink shark rushes into the scene and attacks Tyrion.

Pink Shark: FIN-TASTIC!

Tyrion: AGHHHH! What the hell was that?!

Pink Shark: Oh, I’m sorry. Did you think I attacked you? It was a total accident. Sometimes I get too excited trying to get people to try my delicious Kool-Aid flavor, named after myself. I am… SHARKLEBERRY FIN!

That’s right. It’s Sharkleberry Fin, the pink Kool-Aid mascot who debuted in 1989 with his flavor, a sort of mix of orange, strawberry and banana.

Tyrion: No. Wait. Sharkleberry Fin? Really?

Yes.

Tyrion: But isn’t the place in the books where “Penny” shows up? She’s one of the dwarves that rode on the pig and the dog back in A Storm of Swords Chapter 60 at the Purple Wedding. You know, where Joffrey mocks me with their Dwarf Fighting Show and then dies? Only now Penny shows up and reveals that her brother, Oppo, was murdered, beheaded, and his head was one of those dwarf heads brought before Cersei

Yes, this is where that happens in the books. But Penny is a terrible character.

Tyrion: That is true. Perhaps the worst character in the entire book series.

So, for the Jingle of Ice and Fire, Penny will be replaced by Sharkleberry Fin.

Tyrion: But Sharkleberry Fin is a terrible character too

He is. But not as bad as Penny.

Sharkleberry Fin: Terrible? No way man, I’m… FIN-TASTIC!

Jorah: Ugh. Is that the only thing that this shark says? “Fintastic” over and over again?

Sharkleberry Fin: No! It’s not the only thing I say, dudes. I also say, “Tastes so Hip, it will make you Flip!”  Here, watch this!

He gives a cup of Sharkleberry Fin to the Widow of the Waterfront. It tastes go good that she flips into the waters nearby using outdated, cheesy, early 1990s special effects.

Widow: That was so delicious that now I HAVE to help Tyrion and this pink shark. Tyrion, I will send you aboard a ship called the “Selaesori Qhoran”, which is leaving in two days for Qarth.

Tyrion: Two questions, sorry. First, what does that fancy Essos word you said mean?

Widow: Oh? “Selaesori Qhoran?”  It means “Perfumed Seneschal.”

Tyrion: Okay, second question… QARTH? We’re not supposed to go to Qarth. We’re supposed to go to Meereen if we want to see the Dragon Queen.

Widow: Benerro the High Priest has foreseen it in his flames that the ship will never reach Qarth.

Tyrion: So you’re saying there will be a storm that will divert the ship to Meereen?

Widow: *shifty eyes* Something like that.

Tyrion: Well great, thank you so much, Widow Lady!

Widow: Hey, I’m no lady. But I have something to as of you. If you… errm… I mean “when” you reach Dany, tell her that the slaves of Old Volantis are waiting for her to help free us. Tell her to come soon.

Tyrion: The only way Dany is going to "come soon" is if Daario is there. AM I RIGHT?

Jorah stuffs the sock back in Tyrion's mouth.