ADwD 10: Jon III

Mance Rayder is brought out to the courtyard.

Jon: Oh, hi Mance! How’s it going?

Where he is brought before a giant pyre with a cage constructed hanging above it.

Jon: Oh, oh. Right. So not good then?

Melisandre smiles at the pyre. Because of course she does.

Jon: Ugh, I tried to convince Stannis that burning Mance would be no good. Mance is no more a “king” than Dr. Dre is a medical doctor. He’s more good to us alive than he is dead. But Stannis won’t listen.

Mance sees the cage, and immediately begins begging for mercy.

Mance: OH PLEASE! NO! MERCY! MERCY! MY RATTLING SUIT OF BONES SIMPLY CAN’T HANDLE THIS!

Jon: Hrm, odd that Mance would talk about a rattling suit of bones. But whatever.

Mance: PLEASE! NO! I’M NOT THE KING! I’M NOT EVEN MANCE! I’M--*mmpghh*

Stannis’s men stick a sock in his mouth so he can’t talk any more. He’s placed in the cage.

Mel steps up.

Melisandre: Wildlings… now here this! The Lord of Light represents life and light, while your old gods represents nothing but death and darkness. Now, here, as an example of how much my god represents life, I will commit murder in his name.

Wildlings: Seems logical.

Then she pulls out a horn.

Mel: Oh yeah… and this this? What is this? The Horn of Joramun!!!!! Was this supposed to bring down the Wall? Well check this out.

She stares at the horn and it magically sets itself on fire. She then throws the burning horn onto the pyre. It lights up quickly and begins spreading.

Mance: *muffled screams of terror*

Jon looks around and sees the faces of the Wildlings as they watch their king burn. Many look away, daring not to watch. He notices that Val the supposes Wildling “princess” stares, stoically. Like she don’t even give a single fuck.

Mance is able to spit the rag out and screams louder.

Mance: AGHHH!!!! AGHHHHHH!!!! AGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jon: Oh man, this is horrible. I can’t bare to watch him slowly die like that in pain. MEN!!! Please just shoot him.

He nods to his archers. They send some arrows into the flames. Mance is killed so shut him up. He then burns.

But a new fire lights. A fire of anger that he sees in Stannis’s eyes.

Mel: Your false king is dead! Now you must embrace the new King… STANNIS! For he is Azor Ahai, REBORN! He has Lightbringer. BEHOLD!

Stannis pulls out his shiny sword and it shines.

Wildlings: Ooooohhhh!!! Ahhhhhh!!!!

Stannis: Kneel to me and live. I will feed you and clothes you. You will serve me. If that is not to your liking, you can also choose to not kneel. I will let you go back into the forests to die in the cold. Your choice. No pressure or anything.

Most decide to kneel, and one-by-one join Stannis. They are led away to get clothes and good. Some turn away and head back into the northern woods.

Jon: Ugh. I told Stannis not to make them kneel. Another thing he didn’t listen to. The Wildlings choose their own kings. The whole “kneeling” thing isn’t what they go for. That’s probably the most disrespectful thing that Stannis could possibly ever do to these guys.

Stannis: Hrm. Looks like this burning pyre here is running pretty low. Better feed the fire with some more wood.

Stannis’s men chop down the nearby weirwood trees and throw them into the fire to burn. You know, the same weirwood trees that northerners, including Wildlings, worship as a connection to their old gods.

Jon: I stand corrected. THAT is the most disrespectful thing that Stannis could possibly do.  And it’s not like enough Wildings joined our side to make a difference. If the Wildling army chooses to attack again, we’re probably still screwed.

After the ceremony, Bowen Marsh comes up to Jon.

Jon: Oh shit! Bowen Marsh the Lord Steward! You’re still alive? I just figured you were one of the many, many supporting characters that died on the Wall when the Wildlings attacked.

Bowen Marsh: No, you’re probably thinking of Donal Noye or something.

Jon: Yes. Probably. What’s up?

Bowen: These Wildlings… sure, they’ve bent the knee now. But will they be loyal?

Jon: Some will. Some won’t. But we have a common enemy now. The Others and their armies of the dead. We’ve got to work together or we all die.

Bowen: I say we seal the gate that leads north so that nobody can get through again.  The Wildlings who made their choice to stay on the other side have made their choice. Let them die.

Jon: If we seal the gates, then we can’t send out Rangers. If we can’t send out Rangers, then we’ll be blind.

Bowen: What good has sending out Rangers done for us? Lord Commander Mormont sent out that huge ranging party, and the result of it is that a quarter of our men are now dead.

Jon: Yeah, I remember. I was part of that party. Well… I guess that sucked, right?  It doesn’t matter anyway. Stannis is here and Stannis would never allow the gate to be closed off.

Bowen: Do you always do as Stannis bids?

Jon: What is that supposed to mean?

Bowen: I’m just sayin. A lot of guys say that you’re getting pretty buddy-buddy with Stannis.

Jon: Pffft. That’s crazy talk. That dude has threatened to kill me 12 times already. Did you see that face that he gave me when I had those arrows put through Mance?  I want Stannis gone as much as the next person, but he’s here now and he’s welcome to guest rights. Plus he saved our entire forces when the Wildlings were attacking us. We owe our lives to him, and we can let him stay for a tiny bit more if he wishes to.

Bowen: He’s another rebel king, doomed to failure. If the Iron Thrones thinks that we’ve been supporting him…

Jon: We’re not supporting him. I sent a message to Tommen that says as much. Although I’m not as certain of Stannis’s inevitable defeat as you seem to be.

Bowen: Do the people of Westeros love Tommen? I don’t know. But I can surely tell you who they do not love. Stannis and his red shadow, who burns their gods.

Jon: True dat.

Jon sighs. He misses Aemon and Sam. He goes to eat and finds his buddies there, including Pyp, Grenn, etc.

Pyp: Hahaha, that fucking Melisandre, right? Check this out!

He grabs a red table cloth and puts two grapefruits down his shirt.

Pyp: Look at me! Look at me! I’m the red witch! I am extremely physically attractive! I'm the partner of Guy Pearce! I like burning people!

Jon: WHOA, Pyp! Settle down there. Stannis’s men have eyes and ears everywhere. Don’t mock her.

Grenn: Oh, come on, Jon. Don’t be such a tight-ass. Sit down and eat with us.

Jon: No. As Lord Commander, I can’t show favoritism to anyone. I am no longer your friend. I am your Commander.

Pyp: Jeez, who made you such a sour asshole?

Jon: You did, when you got me elected.

Ghost shows up. YAAAAY! Ghost!

Jon: Come on boy, let’s leave.

Ghost: *woof* [Translate: What? I just got here. Damnit.] 

And so they leave, without eating. Well, without Jon eating. Jon is hungry. Ghost is not.

Jon can taste blood in his mouth from the animal that Ghost killed earlier. Yeah, he’s a super warg. He’s not even trying and he’s still warging. It sort of pisses him off. He tells himself he's a man. Not an animal.

Jon returns to his chambers, where he sees Clydas.

Clydas: YEEEE-HAW! THEM DUKE BOYS SURE DID PULL A BIG ONE, HUH BOSS HOGG? I just saw them jump their orange horse across the canal!

Jon: Oh crap. Clydas? CLYDAS? Man, I forgot all about you. I mean I knew we took the effort to kill off Chett. I forgot that you stayed behind here to take care of the ravens and stuff.

Clydas: Well don’t worry too much about me, Boss Hogg! I’m just here so you has someone to talk to. I’ll just be petting this raven here, which I named Ol’ Velvet Ears, while you deliver exposition to me.

Jon: Okay. But please stop calling me “Boss Hogg.” Also... do ravens even have ears?

Clydas: You rootin-tootin' bet they do, Boss H--err... Lord Commander.  They're just hidden under feathers called auriculars, which went done and covered them ear openings to protect them little bird ears from wind noise. YEEEE-HAWWW!

Jon: Okay, shut up. Now comes the exposition. *ahem* Yes, Clydas. I was reading the Jade Compendium, which Aemon gave me in my last POV chapter, and also which he gave me in Sam’s first POV chapter an entire book ago. I saw that he highlighted some particular pages for me. About Azor Ahai, and the sword Lightbringer. Which is coincidental because Melisandre was just talking about those very things.  The book says that Azor Ahai tried to make his magical sword that could defeat the darkness over and over again. 100 times. But every time he tried to forge his magic sword, it failed. Until he decided to stab his beautiful wife, Nissa Nissa, right in her breasts. Murdering his wife in the titties made the sword magical, and it glowed warm to the touch. Which is a pretty depressing way to get the magical sword you wanted. Killing your beloved wife and everything.

Clydas: Wooo hooo! What a hootin’ good time it would be to have a sword that generates its own warmth up here in the wall! Why that would be hotter than the four alarm chili at the Boar’s Nest tavern where Daisy works! 

Jon: Yes, I guess? But I’ve seen Stannis’s sword and have been close to it. It doesn’t generate its own heat. It is cold to the touch. So it can’t really be Lightbringer.

Jon then walks away and goes into his own room to write some letters.

Jon: Hrm. Now what was it that Maester Aemon told me? Was it “kill the boy and let the man be born” or was it “please make sure to send all of your friends and allies away so that nobody is left at Castle Black who you can trust?” Hrmm. Hrmm. So hard to remember which of those two sage pieces of advice is the correct one.

Jon then decides it must have been the latter. He writes a letter to Cotter Pyke at Eastwatch, telling him that he’s going to send him Pype and Grenn.  He also sends a letter to Denys Mallister at the Shadow Tower, telling him that he’s getting Halder and Toad. Those are another two of Jon’s allies. You haven’t heard much about them. Whatever. Now you don’t have to worry about them.

As soon as Jon writes the letters, the four magically vanish to never be seen again. And that’s that.

Jon: Well, I think that’s what Aemon would have wanted. For me to be totally alone and with nobody to stand up for me.

Aemon: That’s not what I said at all!!!

Jon: Huh? What was that?

Suddenly, the Old Bear’s raven lands and walks over to Jon.

Raven: Corn.

Jon: Ah, now you’re the only friend I have left.

Raven: *squawk* Dude, we are not friends. I’m just asking for some corn.

Ghost: *woof* [Translation: What the hell, Jon? Are you forgetting about me?]

Jon: No, no, no! Ghost! I know I’ve still got you. It’s just… like… you’re more than a friend. It’s like you’re a part of me.

Ghost: *woof* [Translation: Gross. Dude, are you coming on to me?]

Jon: *sigh* Well, I guess this is my lot in life. From now until the day I die.

Raven: *squawk* Which will be pretty soon. *squawk*

Jon: What was that, Raven?

Raven: Nothing. I just said, “corn.” *squawk*

ADwD 9: Davos I

Davos Seaworth, the Onion Knight and Hand of the King to Stannis, is bound up and gagged.

David Carradine: Kinky! That seems like a good idea.

Eww.

Anyway, he is a prisoner being led to Lord Godric Borrell of Sweetsister in his castle, Breakwater. This is one of the three islands making up the islands known as the Three Sisters. Which now that I explain it, seems kind of obvious.

Lord Godric: Well, well, well. Lookie who we have here. A smuggler, sneaking into my city. And not just any smuggler. That hand with the fingers cut off. You can only be The Onion Knight.  What the hell are you doing here?

Davos: If your men would have let me explain, Lord Godric, rather than tying me up like some sort of S&M freaks, I could have shown you this letter. It bears the seal of King Stannis. It is intended for Lord Wyman Manderly of White Harbor.

Godric: Oh, I see. Well Davos, I’m not sure how you got to be such a good smuggler back in the day if you can’t tell one port from another. This is Sweetsister, not White Harbor.

Davos: Indeed it is. But the storms, my lordship. Surely you saw them pass through. I was sailing with Salladhor Saan and Stannis’s fleet when the storm broke our forces apart. Some fled and abandoned the rest of us. Like Saan, for instance. But then again none of us ever really thought that he was a trustworthy character, right? I wouldn’t abandon my king though, and so I rode ashore to here in a row boat.

Godric: What I should do is turn you over to Lord Sunderland, the overall Lord of the Three Sisters, who will sell you to the Lannisters.

Davos: Sunderland? But he and the Three Sisters are sworn to the Eyrie. That makes Lysa Arryn his Liege Lady. She would never! She has taken no side in this war of kings.

Godric: Wow. Where have you been for the past book, Davos? Stranded on a rock?

Davos: Don’t bring up being stranded on a rock. I still have some lingering emotional damage over that one.

Godric: Lysa Arryn is dead, and Lord Littlefinger rules the Vale now.

Davos: Dafuq?

Godric: I know, right? So what’s it worth to you to be sold back to Stannis instead of the Lannisters? How much would that king ransom you for?

Davos: Hrm. I dunno. Perhaps if you let me go back to him up at the Wall, I’ll ask him and then I will come back and let you know.

Godric: Okay, sounds good. Men, release Davos so that—HEYYYY! WAIT A MINUTE!!! You almost got me there, Onion Knight. Nice try.

Davos: I figured it was worth a shot.

Godric: So, Stannis is at the Wall, huh? Tell me, is that where the Imp is too?

Davos: The Imp? What? Are you talking about Tyrion Lannister? Why wouldn’t he just be at King’s Landing, still under arrest for the murder of Joffrey? Or probably beheaded by now.

Godric: Oh wow, you really HAVE been out of the loop for a bit, huh? Tyrion Lannister escaped and murdered his father. Since then he’s been on the run and Cersei has been offering huge rewards for his capture.

Davos: He murdered… his… his… father? You mean LORD TYWIN IS DEAD?!

Godric: Aye, and now Cersei rules as regent for her son.

Davos: King Stannis must know of this! I beg of you, let me send a raven to the Wall to let him know.

Godric: Nah. That sound like me taking a side in this war. That’s not what I’m about. So far, the Three Sisters have avoided the devastation of this war. I’d like to keep it that way. But come, have dinner and eat with me. We have things to talk about.

Davos: Eat dinner? Hell yeah! That’s what I’m talking about. Not only am I super hungry, but eating your bread also gives me that “Guest Right” thing where you can’t kill me. Well, I guess that used to be a rule. These days though… I dunno. You’re not exactly renowned to be a stand-up dude. They call you a “wrecker lord” because you pretty much just count on ships being wrecked off your coast and then raid/steal from those people. But it’s still better than being a Frey, right?

And so they eat and talk. For one night at least, Davos is safe under Godric’s roof.

Godric: Look dude, I hate to be the bearer of bad news. But I’m not aligning with Stannis. No way under these conditions can I help out. You mentioned the Freys? Well… a boatload of them recently passed by, on their way to White Harbor.  I think Lord Manderly has already chosen sides.

Davos: WHAT?! That makes no sense! The Freys murdered Lord Manderly’s son! Why would he ally with them?

Godric: Lord Manderly can do nothing about his dead son. But the Freys and Lannisters still have another alive son as a hostage. I understand that they intend to seal the whole deal with a marriage. Some Frey boy will marry some Manderly girl. Something like that. I don’t know who.

Davos: Please! You must let me sail on to White Harbor! Maybe… maybe it’s not too late and I can get to Manderly first, before the Freys.

Godric: Look… I don’t love this King Tommen boy any. But why should I love Stannis any more than I love Tommen?  Stannis once threatened to hang me for wrecking ships.

Davos: Well, that does sound like something Stannis would do. But look at the other side… you have a boy king. A boy king without Tywin Lannister to guide him. Just how well do you think that side is going to do with its mastermind Tywin now dead?

Godric: Tommen still has the wealth of Casterly Rock and the might of Highgarden on his side. He has the Boltons. He has the Freys. But… hrmm…

Davos: But what? Come on! Finish that thought!

Godric: Let me tell you a little story about Robert’s Rebellion. Ned Stark was sailing down to help his buddy Robert, but wound up shipwrecked here at the Sisters at the beginning of that war.  I wasn’t ruling then, but my father was. My father’s maester urged him to send Ned’s head to Mad King Aerys, saying that Prince Rhaegar would surely defeat the usurper. My father told Ned of the maester’s recommendation. Do you know what Ned said back?

Davos: As I wasn’t there and I am not a psychic, no. But do tell.

Godric: Dude, shut up. It was rhetorical. He said, “In this world, only winter is certain. We may lose our heads, it’s true. But what if we prevail?”

Davos: Cool story bro.

Godric: If my father had beheaded Ned Stark, Robert probably would have still won anyway… and it would have been our asses Robert killed next after Rhaegar. Robert would have brought that giant Warhammer here and we’d all be dead. But we didn’t kill Ned Stark. We let him go. And do you know what my father said to Ned? No… wait… rhetorical question again. I’m just going to tell you.  He said, “You were never here.”

Davos: No. Just like I was never here.

Godric: Hahaha, YEAH! You got the picture, Onion Knight. Now get the fuck out of here.

Suddenly, a messenger runs into the room.

Messenger: Lord Godric! I'm so sorry for interrupting! But I had to come as quickly as possible. We just found David Carradine hanging in your closet.

Godric: Oh fuck! Another mess to clean up.

ADwD 8: Tyrion III

The sunlight of dawn breaks through the caravan, awakening Tyrion. He notices that he and Illyrio have stopped.

Tyrion: Hey, we’ve stopped.

Illyrio: Yes we have, my little friend. This is where you and I part ways, and I turn you over to my companions.

They get out of the carriage, and Tyrion finds two men who greet him.

Haldon: Hi there! I’m Haldon Halfmaester. They call me that because I--

Tyrion: --Began training to become a Maester at the Citadel, but only earned a few of the links in the chain you'd need in order to become a full maester prior to leaving? Specifically, roughly half of the chains that you needed?

Haldon: Well... uhh... yeah. So I guess that name isn't that hard to figure out, huh? 

Duck: And I Rolly. Ser Rolly Duckfield, that is. But most people just call me “Duck.”

Tyrion: If most people call you "Duck," why did you introduce yourself as "Rolly?" You should have just said "Duck." 

Duck: Shut up. And with whom do we have the pleasure of meeting? Some little lord's dwarf bastard?

Tyrion: Every dwarf if a bastard in his father’s eyes.

Haldon: Oooh, that’s a good line. A really, really good line. Let’s write that down and make sure they use it in the TV show at some point, even if it’s devoid of the context of this chapter and all of our characters go unused.

Illyrio: Ah yes, sorry. Let me introduce you two to my friend, Yollo.

Tyrion: Who’s that then?

Illyrio nudges Tyrion and whispers.

Illyrio: You’re Yollo, idiot.

Tyrion: WHAT?! I mean... *whispers* I have to have a secret identity? I get that… sure! But you’re not even letting me pick my own name? You’re dropping this on me at the last minute before even telling me about it?!

Duck: Greetings, Yollo.  We’ll be taking you the rest of the way to the River Rhoyne. Well, the Little Rhyone, actually.

Tyrion: HA! Yollo? Please! No need to call me that. That’s only a fake name I used in Pentos. Illyrio is so confused. You can call me “Hugor Hill.”

Illyrio: Hey! I already gave you a fake name! You can’t pick a new fake name!

Tyrion: The hell I can’t. Yollo is dumb. I wanna be Hugor Hill.

The two start slap fighting as Haldon and Duck look at them suspiciously.

Duck: Anywaaaaaay. Come! Come! We must travel to Ghoyan Drohe, where a poleboat awaits us. From there we will travel down the river to Volantis.

Illyrio: Ah, well that’s my cue, guys. I’ll just refill on supplies here and be on my way.

Tyrion: And by “supplies,” I assume you mean hams and cakes. Because you are very fat.

Illyrio: Uhh… no. No, of course not.

Tyrion turns around and looks at exactly where they stopped on the road to Ghoyan Drohe. Right to the side of the road is a huge building which says “Velvet Hills Ham and Cake Emporium.”

Illyrio: Okay, okay. Whatever. Bye.

And so they part ways. Tyrion continues on with Duck and Haldon. While Tyrion can’t read brains, he can tell that neither man is that impressed with him, and are probably questioning why the hell this little dwarf with a cut-off nose is needed to join their little crusade on the way down to Dany.

Tyrion: So who are you guys anyway? I thought I was supposed to be meeting some dude named “Griff.”

Haldon: We work for Griff, and are part of his company. You'll meet him on the poleboat. And who exactly are you?

Tyrion: Why, I am Hugor Hill. I told you. Just a humble servant seeking to serve our true queen, as you two are.

They eye him suspiciously again.

Duck: Well, be prepared for great dangers that lie ahead. The River Rhoyne is full of threats. Lady Korra the river pirate. They say she cooks up dwarves like you and put them in stew.  Of course, there is also the Shrouded Lord.

Tyrion: Hrm. River pirates are pretty self-explanatory. But typically we don’t go name-dropping cryptic names like “the Shrouded Lord” unless they come up again later for story purposes. So please, explain more.

Haldon: They call him “His Grey Grace” and “the Prince of Sorrows.” He has ruled the mists around the Sorrows since the days of Garin. But not Garin from the Arienne Martel chapters. The Garin who he is named after, a legendary  Rhoynish Prince of Chroyane. Anyway, the Shrouded Lord is supposed to be the king of the stone men. You know, the people who have that stone disease like Stannis’s daughter has. Greyscale.

Tyrion: Ah. Sounds like a myth. This Shrouded Lord guy, I mean. Not Shireen Baratheon. She is obviously not a myth. Nor is greystone.

Tyrion shivers. Death doesn’t scare him anymore. He’s practically wishing for death and is still holding on to those poisonous mushrooms, just in case.  But greyscale? That’s a different matter. So slowly turn to stone without dying? He is NOT a fan of that.

Duck: Pretty scary stuff, right dwarf? Mystical and magical stuff from the east. Just like Queen Dany and her dragons. I bet you wouldn’t know about any of that.

Tyrion: Hrm. Wouldn’t I? Please, I know all about dragons.

Haldon: Well not as much as me. I am a maester, after all.

Tyrion: A half maester.

Haldon: That's it, Yollo! IT'S A DRAGON TRIVIA CONTEST CHALLENGE!!!!!!

Alex Trebec shows up. 

Alex Trebec: This knight was killed by Vhagar in the Targaryen Civil War known as "the Dance of the Dragons."

Suddenly, everyone stops. They are all on the lookout for Pee Wee Herman and his friends to jump out.

But they never do.

Duck: *whew* Dodged a bullet there. I guess “the Dance of the Dragons” is just different enough from the title of this book to not inspire the wrath of the “Secret Word” gods.

Haldon: Indeed. It’s good that we avoided that this chapter.

Alex Trebec: Nobody has buzzed in though

Tyrion: Ser Byron Swann.

Alex Trebec: Ooooh, sorry. We can't accept that.

Tyrion: WHAT?!

Alex Trebec: I mean you're right, of course. It was Ser Byron Swann. But this is Jeopardy, and you forgot to answer in the form of a question.

Tyrion: Nobody said this is Jeopardy. Haldon challenged me to a trivia contest. Nobody specifically said Jeopardy.

Alex Trebec: Oh.

He hangs his head in shame. 

Tyrion: Plus the whole thing you asked is wrong anyway. The dragon that Swann killed was Syrax, not Vhagar.

Haldon: No way! I'm on Alex's side here. It was Vhgar! Maester Munkun clearly wrote that—

Tyrion: —Oh please! Munkun’s account?! That was obviously wrong and didn’t use primary sources. I bet that dude was just looking up his info on Wikipedia. Ser Byron Swann’s squire saw his master die and his account says it was Syrax. And doesn’t Syrax make more sense than Vhagar? Swann served the lords of Storm’s End. During the Dance of the Dragons, Storm’s End was on the side of Aegon II Targaryen, AKA “The Greens.” They were not on the side of his rival claimant to the throne, Rhaenyra, who was supported by her faction, “The Blacks.” Vhagar was the female dragon that was ridden by Prince Aemond Targaryen. Aemond was the brother of Aegon and his ally. So tell me… why would Ser Byron Swann, who was on Aegon II's side, want to kill Vhagar, a dragon ridden by Aegon’s own ally and brother?

Haldon: Uhh… uhh… uhh…

Tyrion: Syrax, meanwhile, was the she-dragon of Rhaenyra Targaryen herself, Aegon II’s primary enemy during the civil war. So which makes more sense to you? That Swann was trying to kill his own side’s dragon… or that Maester Munkun is simply an idiot who got his two she-dragons confused?

Duck slow claps. 

Alex checks with the judges, who admit that their research was based on Munkun's inaccurate account. They then vanish into the sunset.

Duck: Oh, I like this Yollo dude, Haldon. I really like him. He totally won that dragon trivia challenge. Now, please let me tell you all a long and boring story about how I got my nickname, “Duck.”

Tyrion: Didn’t earlier you tell us that your full name was Ser Rolly Duckfield?

Duck: Y-yes.

Tyrion: Well then obviously you got it from Duckfield. No explanation needed.

Duck: No! You see… but… but… I want to tell you all a long backstory about how I came to be, and how and when Griff knighted me…

Tyrion: Nah.

Haldon: I’m with the imp. Now let’s get the hell out of here. I hear the Dorthraki like to run around these parts.

Thus they continue on their way and eventually reach Goyan Dohe. This was once a mighty city, but now has been reduced to ruins.  There a small ship, the Shy Maid, is waiting for them.

Tyrion: Hrm. That doesn’t look like much.

He was up and finally meets the man everyone has been talking about – Griff. With him is his son, Young Griff.  They all look at each other.

Griff: Hrmm.

Tyrion: Hrmmm.

Young Griff: Why are we Hrrmm-ing? Okay. I’ll do it too. Hrmm!

Haldon: Here, Griff. Illyrio has provided me with a letter to explain why this dwarf, Yollo, is with us. I haven't read it though. It's for your eyes only.

Tyrion: Hugor Hill, actually! Not Yollo.

Griff snatches the letter. He heads back to his cabin with Tyrion to discuss its contents in private, away from the ears of all others. Although Illyrio trusts Griff with the information on Tyrion’s true identity – the others are not supposed to know.

Griff: Well, well, well. Tyrion Fucking Lannister, huh? Why on earth does Illyrio think that Queen Daenerys would want the help of a kingslayer, kinslayer, and general betrayer?

Tyrion: For one, the king I’m accused of slaying, Joffrey, was sitting on the Queen’s rightful throne. That should count for something, right?

Griff: And why should a Targaryen trust a Lannister?

Tyrion: That’s where the “kinslaying” part you mentioned comes in. I also killed my father, Lord Tywin.

Griff: A better question though… I’m flipping it… why would a LANNISTER want to work for a Targaryen?

Tyrion: For gold, of course. Gold and REVENGE. BLOODY, BLOODY REVENGE! MWAHAHA! HATRED! HATRED! PURE HATRED OF MY WICKED SISTER!

Griff: Yikes. Ah, well I understand the hatred part just fine.

Tyrion: So tell me, “Griff,” who are you? Surely you have a fake name too. You have the look of a lord or a knight of Westeros.

Griff: I am neither.

Tyrion: Oh really? Because Duck tells me you knighted him. Can’t only a knight knight a knight?

Griff: What? Huh? You doing some she sells sea shells nonsense with me?

Tyrion: Listen, despite what people say about me being a monster, I am an intelligent man. I know much about dragons. And I know even more about the Lannisters.  Queen Dany would be well to have me as an ally. I know how Cersei’s mind works. I can tell her about her enemies. Their weaknesses. The types of decisions they would make.

Griff: I see. Well. I guess my options are now that I either throw you in the river and drown you, or you come to Volantis with us. For now, let’s just have you come to Volantis. Maybe I’ll change my mind half-way down the river though.

Tyrion: That's good. Yet these dragons which everyone speaks of… have you seen them?

Griff: No.

Tyrion: Then what if the stories are all lies? What if Dany has no dragons? What if those are just fictional tales of things that don’t exist like grumpkins, snarks, and the female orgasm?

Griff: Shut your mouth, Lannister. This isn’t some kind of game we’re playing here.

Tyrion: Oh, but it is, Griff. It is. It’s the Game of Thrones! And we are—

--Alarms start flashing and horns sound. Chairry, Magic Screen, Pterri, Mr. Window, Clockey, Conky 2000 and all the others start shouting wildly and flailing their arms/wings/seat cushions/whatever they have around. The text "Game of Thrones" flashes again and again.

Griff: Damnit, Tyrion. We just barely avoided it with Alex Trebec. I thought we'd get out of the chapter without that happening... but you just HAD to fuck it all up!

Cowboy Curtis: He just said the Secret Word!

Pee-Wee: HEH-HEH!!

And as quickly as they all appeared, they all vanish right back into the waters of the Little Rhoyne. 

Tyrion: Geez, sorry.

ADwD 7: Jon II

If you feel like you’re having déjà vu reading this chapter, don’t worry. You absolutely are.

Jon has a letter before him. He doesn’t want to sign it.

Jon: Ugh. We in the Watch aren’t supposed to take any position in these wars of the kings. We’re supposed to be neutral. I don’t want to sign this. *sigh* But they elected me to make these tough decisions. So I guess I have to.

He signs it.

Jon: Okay, next I—

Hey wait! Are we going to get any more info than that?

Jon: No. I’m not explaining what the letter is about. I’m being cryptic.

Oh. Why bother being cryptic though. The content of the letter was already explained in the last book.

Jon: Whatevs. So, like I was saying… next, I need to talk to Gilly. Edd, get here.

Edd: Okay.

Gilly magically appears.

Jon: I’m just going to go through this real quickly because everybody already knows what I’m going to do, okay? Look… you know that little baby that you’re breastfeeding?

Gilly: Dalla’s son, aye.

Jon: Yeah, well… Melisandre the Red Witch thinks that it’s got magic king blood and that setting it on fire will make dragons wake up from Dragonstone.

Gibby: Holy shit! Is that woman crazy?

Jon: Yes. Crazy hot. Oh yeah, and just normal crazy as well.

Gilly: Get me away from her crazy ass!

Jon: Haha, exactly what I was thinking. Anyway, I’m going to need to switch the two babies out and send you away with Dalla’s son.  So you’ll never see your son again.

Gilly: WHAT?! NO! Then she’ll set my son on fire instead.

Jon: No she won’t. After you’re long gone, I’ll tell her about the switch. Therefore setting the baby on fire will be of no use so she won’t even bother. Yeah, she likes setting people and babies on fire. But only if they have magic king’s blood.  She doesn’t care about inbred white trash Wildling blood.

Gilly: HEY!

Jon: Oh. Sorry. Is that offensive? I mean "she doesn't care about inbred white trash Free Folk blood." Better?

Gilly: Also, just send me away with both of the kids. That way they’ll both be safe.

Jon: No can do.  If you leave with both kids, they’ll know that Mance and Dalla’s kid is leaving too and they’ll stop you. If they think it’s just you and your kid going, they will not care at all.

Gilly: NOOOO!!!! I refuse.

Jon: Ah yeaaah, well… ya see… it’s more of a command than a request. So pack up your bags and say goodbye to your child forever. You’re leaving tomorrow and you’ll never see your baby again. Whelp! Great convo. Would love to chat again except other than briefly watching you leave tomorrow morning, I’ll never see or talk to you again. Hasta.

Edd grabs her and  throws her out the door as she cries.

Jon: Being Lord Commander is so much fun. Okay. Next… SAM!

Sam is summoned.

Sam: Hey.

Jon: Check out this letter to King Tommen. It declares the Watch’s neutrality and emphasizes that Stannis only helped us defend the Wall from the Wildlings, but clarifies that we are NOT Stannis’s men. But I hate the fact that I have to send it, because it’s sort of like bending the knee a little too the Lannisters, who murdered my entire family.

Sam: Whoa, déjà vu. Didn’t I already see this?

Jon: Yes. You did. But now a book later we’re doing a complete re-do from my POV. Sorry if that sounds duplicative.

Sam: Actually, it’s sort of cool. The same story retold from two different people with limited POVs? Artistically, I think it’s a very compelling—

Jon: —Let me stop you there, because I do not care. Also, the only thing more awkward than sending you away and hearing you cry endlessly about it once is sending you away and all that stuff I said TWICE.

Sam: Wait… what?

Jon: Oh, don’t worry about that. Yet. Back to the letter thing.

Sam: Well, you have to send it. What if the Lannisters win? Then you’ll be a traitor if you declared for Stannis. Signing this letter is sort of a shield for you.

Jon: A shield? It’s a freaking paper shield.

Sam: Better than no shield.

Jon: That's like saying that praying is a better form of medicine than no medicine. It's dumb. TAKE YOUR KIDS TO THE HOSPITAL! So what did you find out about while reading all those old musty books?

Sam: Do we really have to go through this all again?

Jon: *gasp* You mean you don't want to do this again either? Great! Please just scroll to the top, clink the link, and re-read AFfC 5 again.

Sam: Okay, I’ll do that.

Sam does that, reading that whole chapter all over again. Just like you should be doing. Go on. Do it. Here is the link again in case you didn't click it above. Seriously. Read it or this chapter makes no sense.

Sam: HEY! What the hell?! This says you’re sending me, Gilly, and Maester Aemon away to Old Town. I’m to train to be a Maester!

Jon: I am.

Sam: But I—

Jon: —No buts, Sam. You know how the chapter goes now and you can’t fight it. If you do, and purposefully change the future now, it would be just like when Biff Tannen became president because that sports almanac book thingie. You’ll wind up dead and then get hit by lightning and end up in the old west. Something like that. Look, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen those movies. Give me a break. Flea was in them or something, right? And the chick from Leaving Las Vegas?

Sam: Elisabeth Shue? Yes. She replaced Claudia Wells as Jennifer after the first film. But that's not important. What's important is that I don't want to become a Maester because I—

Jon: —No, we’re done. Bye.

And John has Edd grab Sam and kicks him out too. Yeah. Ed is pretty strong. 

Jon sighs and thinks back to some advice that Maester Aemon gave him. This is new POV stuff that only Jon would know about and not Sam, so let’s roll with it…

Maester Aemon: Ah, young Jon Snow. It seems like you’re having the same problem my young brother Egg did when he was a young man.

Jon: Oh really? That sounds like a really, really, really interesting story. I’d love to hear all sorts of additional stories about your younger brother Egg. Extensively and at the detriment to the completion of this novel series.

Aemon: Really?

Jon: NO, I WAS BEING FACETIOUS! GET ON WITH THE STORY!

Aemon: Whoa, tone it down a notch, JS. I’m blind. Not deaf. Anyway, Egg was never supposed to be king himself. And yet all of this great power and responsibility suddenly fell on him, just like it has fallen on you… now that you are Lord Commander. He was twice the age you are now Jon, yet he still had a child-like innocence to him like you.

Jon: Okay, wow. That’s a pretty bold comparison you’re making there, Aemon. I just became Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. Egg wound up becoming King Aegon V Targaryen. Should you really be comparing me to someone who winds up becoming king and sitting on the Iron Throne?

Aemon: Actually, I really, really should be doing exactly that.

Jon: Huh?

Aemon: Anyway, where was I? Ah yes. Egg had a childlike innocence to him. But a boy cannot rule. It takes a man to rule. An Aegon – not an Egg. So I said to him, “kill the boy.”

Jon: What boy? Olly? Because Olly isn’t in the boo—

Aemon: —No, shut up. *ahem* “Kill the boy and let the man be born.” That’s what you need to do. You need to kill the boy inside of you. Kill your innocence and wonder. Let me man be born. Do not try to get joy from your command. Joyful rulers quickly become dead rulers. You must be strong. Winter is almost upon us.

Jon: Oh, I get it. So basically you’re saying I should send every single friend and ally that I’ve ever had here at Castle Black away, leaving me defenseless?

Aemon: What? No! I never said that.

Jon: No, I get it. Okay, so I’ll send Pyp, Grenn, and all those other guys who I’ve been friends with since Book 1 away. Toad? Is that one of them? I'm not sure. I think "Toad" sounds vaguely familiar. Along with you and Sam. I’ll make sure to have ZERO allies left with me here.

Aemon: No. No. I said none of those things. How are you interpreting “Kill the boy and let the man be born” as you being required to send everyone you trust away?

Jon: You can’t take it back now, Aemon.

Jon: Yep, and that’s how that entire flashback all happened.

Jon then leaves to  walk around the castle. By talking with others, he learns that Stannis has sent out two envoys to the south, to meet with the northern lords. Yeah, he’s sending people SOUTH to meet with the NORTHern lords. That’s just how it works when you’re here on the Wall and what everyone calls “North” is to the south of you.

Jon: Hrm. Envoys in addition to the Onion Knight, who he already sent out to meet with Lord Manderly? I guess he really needs some more allies. Well, hopefully he listened to the advise I gave him.

Jon then curls up into a ball and goes to sleep right there because I need to move this story along.

The next day he wakes up to watch Gilly, Sam and Aemon’s caravan leave.

Jon: Bye! I’ll probably never see any of you again! Bye!

Aemon: Wait, before I go, check out this book. It’s called “the Jade Compendium.” 

Jon: Ugh. Déjà vu all over again. The Jade Compendium once more… in two different books? I guess this is supposed to be super important, huh? Okay, I guess I’ll read it. Hopefully it provides some new information on something important, and doesn't just duplicate information about Azor Ahai and Nissa Nissa that was already provided in an earlier Davos chapter.

Sorry folks, it will actually only provide duplicate information about Azor Ahai and Nissa Nissa that was already provided in an earlier Davos chapter.

Gilly: And you make sure that “Dalla’s boy” grows up big and strong, Jon Snow. And don’t name him before two years because that’s bad luck.

Sam: Wait. Why did Gilly just air quote “Dalla’s boy?”

Jon: You are like the slowest person alive, Sam. I don’t just mean in running a 5K either.

The caravan exits, and I suppose their ring music plays like after a WWF match. I refuse to say WWE. I know it’s been 20 years, but whatever.

Jon: Okay, next up! NEW APPOINTMENT! Guys… everyone… huddle up.

All of the Night’s Watch huddles up because their Lord Commander told them to.

Jon: Stannis has pretty much told us that he’s going to steal all our forts if we’re not manning them. Which means we need to be manning them. Plus we should be manning them anyway even without the Stannis thing because… you know… that whole “army of the dead marching to us” thing that’s been happening recently. And Wildlings, too. Wildlings. An army of the dead. Also giants. And the Others, who are not undead but are the supernatural beings which raise the dead. So… those things are coming our way. And speaking of giants… BEDWYCK!

Bedwyck: Huh? Oh right. I am the shortest man in the Night’s Watch, and therefore I have been nicknamed “Giant” because you guys are all sarcastic douches.

Jon: I’m sending you to command a garrison of thirty men at Icemark.

Bedwyck: Don’t you mean “a garrison of thirty of our best men?”

Jon: Eh, I said what I said and I stick by it. Your mission is to watch for climbers. That seems like a good place where people would climb the Wall.

Guy in Back, Shouting: YOU MEAN LIKE YOU DID, WHEN YOU DEFECTED TO THE WILDLINGS SINCE YOU’RE A TRAITOR?

Crowd: OoOOoOOooo.

Jon: I’ll ignore that! I’m straight up going to move on and pretend like that was never said. Okay. NEXT! Next is Greyguard. I’m going to need that one manned to, also by thirty men. As their commander, I am appointing Janos Slynt.

Janos Slynt: No.

Jon: Uhh… excuse me?

Slynt: I said no, bastard boy! I don’t take orders from a traitor’s bastard. I give them!

Slynt storms out.

Jon: Well, I think that went as well as it could have.

Skip another day.

The next morning, Jon goes to breakfast in the mess hall.  He sees Slynt, Alliser Thorne, and all of their yes men huddling in a corner. They laugh and sneer when Snow walks in.

Jon: Whattup Thorne? Got all your stuff packed yet? I need you to head out to Greyguard today, bro.

Slynt: I said no yesterday, bastard boy. And I say no again.

Jon: It’s not a request, shorty. It’s an order.

Slynt: Shove that order up your asshole.

Crowd: OooOooooo!

Slynt, Thorne, and their butt kisser boys all crack up and slap their knees like this is the most hilarious thing ever.

Jon: Oh. Cool, cool. Uh… hey everyone else in the room who isn’t part of that tiny click of guys over there… who is the Lord Commander again?

Crowd: You.

Jon: Ah, right. So… uhm… if I remember right the penalty for disobeying my orders is… ahh… death. So, men… prepare a rope. Janos Slynt, I sentence you to death.

Slynt: WHAT?! NO!

Slynt, Thorne, and his yes men get up.

But the rest of the Night’s Watch start to get up too. You know. EVERYONE ELSE.

Thorne begins to scratch his neck, takes a step backwards, and sits back down. Thorne’s men follow him and begin whistling.

Slynt: Hey! WAIT! NO! You’re going to stand up for me, right?! I’m… I’m… STOP! I’M A LORD! I WAS MADE THE LORD OF HARRENHAL! THAT IS THE BASTARD SON OF A TRAITOR! HE’S A TRAITOR HIMSELF! PUT ME DOWN! AGH!!! STOP! PUT ME DOWN!

Slynt is carried into the yard, screaming. Others throw a rope up.  It causes quite a commotion. Everyone starts to come out to watch, including Stannis and all of Stannis’s men.

Word spreads around Castle Black quickly. EVERYONE is out there to watch.

Vendor: Peanuts! Get your peanuts for the lynching! I mean... err... hanging. Sorry. I guess lynching sounds wrong.

Slynt: You’ll never do this, bastard boy! You’ll never hang me. You don’t have the balls!

Jon: Hrm. You know what? You’re right. I won’t hang you.

Crowd: Awwwww! Damnit.

Slynt: HAHAHA! SEE?!

Jon: I won’t hang you because my father--who you betrayed and executed, by the way--taught me that a REAL MAN does the deed himself rather than having other people do it for him. A man with REAL BALLS both provides the sentence and carries out the punishment.

Jon unsheathes his sword, Longclaw.

Jon: Someone get me a stump to put this dude’s neck on.

Slynt: PLEASE! LORD COMMANDER! NO! MERCY! MERCY! I’ll go to Greyguard! I will!

Jon: Too little, too late.

Slynt’s neck goes on the stump. Jon raises Longclaw into the air. It goes down. 

Slynt’s head rolls across the yard. Messi and Neymar both go for it. Messi gets there a quarter second before Neymar. After Messi’s elbow lightly brushes Neymar’s uniform, Neymar flops. The referee is having none of that, though. Messi drives down to the other end of the yard and scores.

Owen the Oaf: Dude, can I have Janos Slynt’s boots? I think those are Timberlands and he has the same shoe size as me. He won’t be using them. I mean we have to burn his body so that he doesn’t turn into a Wight, right? Everyone agrees that Slynt as a Wight would be the worst, correct? He don’t need to be burned wearing those nice boots though.

Jon: Dude, yeah. Take the damn boots. I do not care. Let’s burn him naked so everyone sees how small his weiner is too.

Everyone laughs. Janos Slynt betrayed Ned Stark so zero people feel bad about him being beheaded, stripped naked, and burned with his tiny dick hanging out under his fat gut.

Jon looks around. Then he looks up to the King’s tower. Stannis stands there, and has been watching the entire time.

Jon: *gives a head nod and throws up the sign of the horns* 🤘

Stannis: *nods back and also gives the sign of the horns* 🤘 Metal, dude. That was so metal.

Stannis heads back into his tower. 

Janos heads... well... never mind, he has no head.

ADwD 6: The Merchant’s Man (Quentyn I)

Hey! We’re in a new city we’ve never been before with new characters we’ve never seen before. Fun!

Quentyn Martell: Hi! I’m Quentyn. You’ve probably heard of me from… multiple plot points made by my older sister, Arianne Martell!

Gerris Drinkwater: And I’m Gerris Drinkwater. My family name comes from the fact that we drink water. It is pretty clever. I’m pretending to be a wine-seller though.

Quentyn: And I’m pretending to be a wine-seller’s servant. Oh, and we’re starting in media res, obviously. Then we’ll flashback to say what happened before.

Gerris: Why can’t we just start at the beginning and—

Quentyn: —NO! Shut up, Gerris!

And so Quentyn and Gerris are talking to a ship captain in Volantis who is also a smuggler. Human smuggler? Cargo smuggler? Both! It doesn’t matter. This guy smuggles whatever.

Smugger Captain: Why the hell do you want me to take you to Merreen? There are no slaves there anymore. Therefore there is no profit to be made.

Gerris: Ah, we are going there to sell our delicious Dornish wine. Secretly, ya know. Without paying the customs duties.

Smuggler Captain: I mean during peace time, that might be a half-good idea. They already have wine there that’s perfectly good, but so long as you put together some good marketing campaign and get a celebrity endorser, I bet your Dornish wine would sell like crazy. People will think it’s all fancy and exotic from Westeros and shit. People lap that kind of crap up. Throw “craft” and “artisanal” on the bottles. Sell it at the fighting pits for four times the cost off the other wines. All the rich and rich-wannabe posers will be buying it out of principle. But it’s not peace time. Meereen is in the middle of a giant war. People are dying. They don’t care about Dornish wine. They’re busy trying to not die. And those fighting pits? They’re closed. There is no money to be made in Meereen, guys.

Gerris: Oh, but they will love it! Anyway, that’s not your problem, man. We’re just paying you to get us there.

Smuggler Captain: Nah, bad idea. I’ll pass.

Gerris: PLEASE! NOOO! We’ve asked every other ship captain and they all said no! We even doubled our payment price! You’re our last hope!!!

Smuggler Captain: DUDE, you are really bad at this bargaining/negotiating thing. You should not have told me all that information. Haven’t you heard of haggling? I’m supposed to say, “No, I refuse.” Then you give a bigger offer. For instance, you double it, like you said that you did before with the other captains. Then I say that’s too low and counter with a really high offer, like four or five times higher. Then you refuse saying it’s ludicrous and offer something super low. Maybe just barely over your initial double offer, claiming that’s all that you have and not a penny more. Then we do that back and forth a few times and we eventually meet at a logical price in the middle. But you just played all your cards, man. Now I know you’re desperate, everyone else said no, and I can charge whatever I want.

Quentyn: UGH! You suck at this, Gerris. Why do you get to play the boss of our fake Dornish wine company? I should have played the boss of the fake Dornish wine company!

Gerris: HEY! Don’t use my real name! You’re supposed to use my fake name.

Smuggler Captain: Wait… FAKE Dornish wine company? Fake name?

Quentyn: Errm… uuhh… uhh… I mean REAL! REAL!

Gerris: See, you suck at this too, Quentyn!

Quentyn: AGHH!! Now you used MY real name!

Smuggler Captain: *sigh* Okay guys. I’m going to just stop this now because you’re terrible at both haggling and keeping your secret identities. Obvioulsy you’re not wine sellers and want to go Meereen for some other reason. Whatever, dudes. Maybe you’re pedos running away from arrest and execution in Westeros. Not my problem. Don’t care. But basically… if you pay me THREE TIMES my normal smuggling fee, I’ll take you to Meereen. Okay?

Gerris: Okay, uhh… let us go back to our companions and talk it over. We’ll let you know if we accept the deal by tomorrow morning.

And so the smuggler captain leaves.

Quentyn: Shit, dude! We totally bombed there.

Gerris: We did. This guy will probably just slit our throats and throw us into the ocean if he accepted our offer anyway.

Quentyn: Yeah, probably. Damnit. Come on, let’s go back to back to the big man, Ser Archibald Yronwood and tell him about what happened.

And so they head back to their other companions, who were not around for the negotiation with the smuggler.  But heading to the other companions, as well as thinking about having their throats slit, sends Quentyn into a flashback spiral where he thinks about what happened prior to this point on their journey.

Quentyn: Oh goodie! I get to do that extensive flashback scene now, leaping back in time?

No. I’ll just quickly cover it in some italic narration.

Quentyn: Dang it.

When the party initially sailed to Essos – they were a larger group. In addition to Quentyn, Gerris, and the aforementioned Ser Archibald Yronwood, they also had with them Maester Kedry, William Wells and Cletus Yronwood. The three of them were murdered earlier in the trip by filthy pirates. Oh well! The loss of Maester Kedry was especially tough, as he was an expert on the Free Cities. So there. That’s basically it in a nutshell.

They arrive at the Inn where Yronwood is staying. The alive one, obviously. But outside of the inn…

The Windblown: WHOA! Hey dudes! You look like a bunch of pussy-ass losers! HAHA! Just kidding, bros! We’re the Windblown! We’re a mercenary company that’s about to go to Slaver’s Bay to kill the butcher king and rape the Dragon Queen! WOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Quentyn: Hrm. Well that was a rather odd, and random, interaction with a group of people who are coincidently heading to the exact same location that we are going to. I will ignore it completely, however.

And so they go inside to Yronwood and tell him about the meeting with the Smuggler Captain.

Ser Archibald: Guys, this is a terrible offer. If that’s the best were going to get, plus the fact that you both agree that we’re going to get our throats slit by that smuggler captain, then we should travel to Meereen over land rather than by sea.

Gerris: Yeah, you’re probably right.

Quentyn: Going over land is too dangerous and slow. Do you know what the call the road to Meereen? “The Demon Road.”

Gerris: I get it, Q. I really do. But that smugger was totally sketchy. I don’t want to have my murdered corpse thrown in the sea. I mean maybe he won’t kill us. Maybe he’ll just kidnap us and sell us into slavery. Which I’m not a big fan of either. So unless you can magically find another ship or something…

Quentyn: DAMN IT! I can’t go back to Dorne as a failure! My dad, Prince Doran, would be so pissed. I want to prove myself to him! Moreover, I’ve got to prove myself TO ME! I’ve got pretty low self-esteem, guys. I’ve never really been with a woman before, and I’m so awkward around them. And yet I’m traveling to Meereen to meet Dany Targaryen, who everyone is saying is like the most beautiful woman in the world. And I’m supposed to offer my hand in marriage to her? Why would she want my pathetic ass?

Archibald: Dany NEEDS Dorne, Quentyn. Without it, she cannot hope to take the Iron Throne. With our alliance, her victory in the wars to come is all that much more assured.

Quentyn: Yes… yes, you’re right. I have something to offer her! Even if she doesn’t love me or care about me or think I’m attractive. A Dorne-Targaryen marriage alliance is bound to result in success. What could go wrong?

Everyone whistles politely, not mentioning Rhaegar and Elia.

Archibald: Well crap, guys. I think we have a bad option and a worse option here. I vote we go for the Demon Road. What do you think?

Quentyn: Ugh. Dany might not even still be in Meereen before we get there by land. If we’re not killed along the way. Maybe we should take the smuggler’s ship after all and just, like, keep a watch out to make sure that the crew doesn’t slit our throats.

Gerris: No! I have a better idea. It’s just come to me!

Quentyn: Then tell me! TELL ME!

Gerris: Well, it’s not exactly an “honorable” way to get there, and it too has its risks.

Quentyn: TELL ME, DAMN IT! Oh… wait… is this related to that Windblown Mercenary Company that we just COINCIDENTALLY AND RANDOMLY bumped into just a few minutes ago, who engaged in dialogue with us EXPLICITLY STATING THAT THEY ARE GOING TO THE SAME LOCATION AS WE ARE?

Gerris: Ermm… uhh…

Quentyn: Geez, sometimes GRRM is such a lazy writer.

Gerris: HEY! I didn’t confirm that that was my idea or anything!

Quentyn: So that’s not your idea?

Gerris: Uhhhhh…

Quentyn: Hey narrator! What’s my next POV chapter going to be called?

“The Windblown.”

Quentyn: I KNEW IT!

ADwD 5: Tyrion II

Tyrion is now on the road with Illyrio, travelling in secret from Pentos to the Rhoyne river.

Tyrion: Please, provide a little more explanation as to why we are going there.

Illyrio: Ah, because in your last POV chapter I strongly implied that I am loyal to the Targaryens, and thus we are now beginning a slow, long journey that will take you towards Daenerys.

Tyrion: Okay, so Varys filled this role in the TV. But in the books you’re the one coming with me instead?

Illyrio: Coming with you? Oh, heavans no. I’m just taking you a tiny bit of a way. Once we get to the river Rhoyne, I’ll drop you off with some of my associates, including Griff, and I’ll head back to my lavish life in Pentos.

Tyrion: Hrm. “Griff?” Fair enough, I don’t really like you anyway, fatso. So where exactly is Dany now?

Illyrio: When last I heard, she was tearing it up through Slavers Bay, conquering cities left and right. By the time you get down that way, I’m sure she’ll already be finished in Valyria and will have moved on to the Free Cities. So I’m sending you to Volantis. Yes indeedy, I bet she’ll be in Volantis!

Tyrion: But what if, instead of merely conquering cities and then immediately moving on before being able to set up peace and stability, she instead STAYS in Valyria? Like what if she stays in Meereen to rule it?

Illyrio: Huh? Why on earth would she do that? Sounds dumb.

Tyrion: I mean it’s an inherent theme of these novels that the greatest warriors who can win “the wars” are not necessarily the greatest kings who can win “the peace.” Take, for example, Robert Baratheon. He was indeed a skilled foe on the battlefield who bested Rhaegar and most others who faced him. But he was an incompetent and inattentive king. His namesake, Robb Stark, can be seen as a similar example. Robb won tons of victories on the battlefield, allowing him to be “King in the North.” But his rashness, poor decision skills, and inability to placate and please the families which had bent the knee to him – the Karstarks, the Freys, the Boltons, etc., meant that his skill in battle did not translate to political savvy to run a kingdom.

Illyrio: Why are you telling me this? What does that have to do with Dany?

Tyrion: I’m just saying that if we are to truly believe that Daenerys is the “true” ruler who should  take the Iron Throne, and GRRM wants to convince us of that, then she might consider showing that she can rule just as well as she wins cities.

Illyrio: Sounds boring. I don’t care about that stuff. So instead, I’m going to make a bunch of lewd and sexually suggestive comments about how I always wanted to have violent, non-consensual sex with Dany when she was growing up as a small girl.

Tyrion: See? And this is exactly why I’m happy we’ll be parting ways soon.

Illyrio: Okay, fine. If you want to know my thoughts on if Dany is competent to rule… then YES! Obviously I think so. I mean her brother, Viserys, was a total waste. He was never a true Targaryen like Dany is. I will serve her loyalty, just as Varys does.

Tyrion: Hrm.

Tyrion doubts Illyrio’s actual loyalty to Dany. He wonders to himself what exactly Illyrio’s game is.  Illyrio is an ally of Varys. Has Varys really been loyal to the Targaryens this entire time? Maybe. But probably not. He’s a slippery snake, that one. Which means Illyrio can’t be trusted either.

Illyrio: You know, me and Varys grew up together. Oh yes, we were young whipper-snapper boys in Pentos, living a youthful life of crime together. Doing stuff like playing mailbox baseball and the like.

Tyrion: Whoa, nobody asked for your life story, dude. So, tell me more about this “Griff” guy who I’ll be meeting up with.

Illyrio: Ah, clever imp. A good question! Dany will need clever people around her to rule Westeros. Like you, Griff is a clever man. A Westerosi sellsword.

Tyrion: I know sellswords. I wouldn’t exactly call any of them “trustworthy.”

Illyrio: This one is. For he longs to be home in Westeros, and Dany can give him this when she sails her forces the Seven Kingdoms. And part of those forces will include the Golden Company. They shall meet up with you in Volantis.

Tyrion: The Golden Company?! I heard that they had a contract with Myr.

Illyrio: Some contracts are written in ink. Others are written in blood.  I say no more.

Tyrion: Oh, you don’t have to! Because, dood, I KNOW about the Golden Company. *ahem* It’s a force of mercenaries set up by Bittersteel (AKA Aegor Rivers), one of the many bastard sons of Aegon the Unworthy (AKA Aegon IV Targaryen). Aegon IV was, of course, the ruler of the Seven Kingdoms who upon his deathbed 116 years ago in 184 AC legitimized his bastard sons, including Bittersteel. Bittersteel’s half-brother, Daemon Waters, was the child of Aegon IV and Daena Targaryen. Now, we’re all accustomed to Targaryens marrying their own relatives – but in this case, Daena wasn’t the wife of Aegon IV. She had actually been the sister and wife of Baelor “the Blessed” Targaryen, who wound up being a religious zealot who refused to bed her (e.g. think of him like my cousin, Lancel). Daena’s marriage was annulled and she was locked up in a “Maidenvault” for a decade, but she was sort of a rebellious “Sand Snake-type” of woman and she wound up getting pregnant by a mystery father. Baelor got super crazy after she got pregnant and fasted himself until he died. Technically that made Daena the heir to the throne, but instead they skipped over her rightful claim and made her uncle, Viserys II, the new king. Little did anyone know that Viserys II’s own son, Aegon, was secretly the father of Daena’s bastard child—

Illyrio: —Hey Tyrion, this exposition is going on for a bit. What exactly does this have to do with the Golden Company?

Tyrion: —Shh! I’m getting there. So Aegon IV was instead married to his own sister, Naerys. With Naerys he had his “legitimate” children, Daeron II and Daenerys (the latter being the namesake of the current Dany). But Aegon IV was a terrible, cruel and incompetent ruler. Naerys died in childbirth and he started making accusations that his kids with her were illegitimate because Naerys had been sleeping around, with no evidence to back it up. Now, since the conquest of Westeros by King Aegon I (the Conqueror), the Targaryen kings always held into Aegon’s Valyrian steel sword, Blackfyre, as a sign of rulership and authority. But Aegon IV didn’t bestow Blackfyre to his heir and legitimate son, Daeron, like he should have. Instead he gave it to his bastard with Daena, the aforementioned Daemon Waters. Immediately people started talking about Daemon becoming heir instead of Daeron. Upon Aegon IV’s death and the legitimization of all of his bastards, we get the beginning of the Blackfyre Rebellions, led by who we in Westeros generally refer to as the “Blackfyre Pretenders.” Daemon was the first of these, as he rid himself of the bastard name “Waters” and took the name “Blackfyre,” after the sword of Aegon the Conqueror, which was now his. He tried to take the throne from Daeron II but would ultimately fail, dying in the rebellion along with his two eldest sons, Aegon and Aemon. However, five of Daemon’s other children safely escaped and fled to the Free Cities of Essos, specifically Tyrosh, to live in exile. Who helped them escape? Why it was none other than Daemon’s half-brother, Aegor Rivers, AKA “Bittersteel!”

Illyrio: Oh thank the gods, we finally made it back full circle to your point about Bittersteel. Are we done?

Tyrion: Not quite, you see, Bittersteel, a fellow “bastard” like Daemon, had been one of the biggest supporters of Daemon’s claim and fought at his side. But after the First Blackfyre Rebellion was defeated, Bittersteel was in exile across the Narrow Sea and a needed new cause. A fine warrior, he decided to join the sellsword company "the Second Sons." That's the group that Dany later found Daario with, BTW. But after just a little time there, Bittersteel broke off and formed his own group – the Golden Company. They would quickly become one of the most famous and disciplined sellsword groups in the world, frequently sought after, especially after they totally wrecked Qohor for not honoring a contract.  The Golden Company, although it mostly fought for profit, remained loyal to the Blackfyre cause and claims. There would be later Blackfyre Rebellions, led by the descendants of Daemon. Bittersteel and the Golden Company would support those later rebellions to take back the Iron Throne as well.

Illyrio: *yawns*

Tyrion: I mean their claim was not a terrible one. Even though Daemon was viewed as a “bastard,” both of his parents were Targaryens – including a Targaryen King and a Targaryen Queen! Just not a king and queen who were married to each other though. But that should be beside the point because Daemon’s mother, Daena, actually had the better claim to the throne than Daeron II, Aegon IV, or Viserys II ever did. Because she was skipped over despite being the eldest remaining heir to her father Aegon III, after her brother/husband Baelor died.  At any rate, Bittersteel would eventually die in exile. But he told the Golden Company that upon his death he wanted them to take his skeleton, dip it in gold, and bring it with them when they retake the Seven Kingdoms. My point being is that even though the Golden Company appear to be sellswords who will fight for the highest bidder – inherently their goal has always been to return to the Seven Kingdoms and help the Blackfyres take the Iron Throne. Hence your line about “some contracts being written in blood,” I assume.

Illyrio: Okay, well that brings us to the present then, huh? So now—

Tyrion: —Only the Blackfyres are now all gone, supposedly. So what blood are you talking about? The last Blackfyre was Maelys, who himself commanded the Golden Company. He joined a band of nine outlaws, sellswords, and pirates in 258 AC who invaded the Seven Kingdoms in an attempt to carve out a kingdom for each of them. This became known as the “War of the Ninepenny Kings,” which conveniently was alluded to in the last book by Septon Meribald, obviously setting it up as an important plot point going forward. And thus here we are – with the Golden Company about to become allies with us. Why? To support Dany? Is that the blood you mean? Are the Targaryens (who the Blackfyres initially fought against) now the ones they want to ally with since Dany is their closest remaining “blood?” Can Dany give the Golden Company what Bittersteel could not… A WAY HOME?

Illyrio: —Yes! Yes! Of course! That’s it. Yep. You figured it out. Black or Red, a dragon is still a dragon. I mention that because the Blackfyres took a black dragon logo, while the Targaryens have a red one.

Tyrion: —OR… now stay with me here, Illyrio… or is there... perhaps… secretly… a survivor? Another Blackfyre!? Oh, we think of Maelys as the “last” when he died 40 years ago in 260 AC. But was he really? We talk about “blood,” and Maelys being the last Blackfyre. But then again society is sexist today, just as it was when they skipped over Daena for Viserys II. Society often doesn’t recognize female descendants. Yet wouldn’t the descendants of any female Blackfyres be just as much “Blackfyre blood” as descendants of the males, despite not carrying on the surname? By patriarchal tradition - no. But by actual fact - of course!

Illyrio: *nervously silent now*

Tyrion: Okay, well that was fun. Let’s get on with the story.

They ride in their wagon through Andalos, which is (FUN FACT!) where the Andals who eventually settled Westeros centuries ago initially came from. Tyrion starts quoting some old scriptures of the Faith of the Seven, which talk about how the seven gods themselves used to walk in Andalos.

Illyrio: By the way, as you’re doing that thinking, I’m also going to casually mention that I once fell in love with a woman named Serra, but she died of the plague. Let that factoid about a woman I love weigh on your mind after you were extensively questioning my true purposes, as well as providing a long diatribe which eventually got you to the point of questioning whether or not the Blackfyres have a secret descendant who is still alive.  I’m not saying that this story about Serra has anything to do with that, but…

Tyrion: …but why would GRRM even mention it, if it wasn’t important and/or related?

Illyrio: Bingo.

Tyrion: Well. Sorry about your dead love of your life, dude. That sucks. Got a picture of her?

Illyrio: You bet I do.

He pulls out a locket which has her picture on it. Serra has beautiful, SILVER hair.

Tyrion: Really? Really? Silver? *sigh* 

Seeing a beautiful woman makes Tyrion then thinks of Shae. And then Tysha. He closes his eyes for the long journey ahead and his father comes to him in a dream.

Tywin: Wherever whores go!

Tyrion: Oh, come on, Ghost Dad! Leave me alone and stop trying to distract the readers from the fact that this chapter is exclusively designed to set up some important Golden Company / Mystery Blackfyre heir story.

Oh, also Tyrion sees a statue of a SPHINX outside as he travels, and specifically thinks that it looks like a dragon's body with a woman's face. So there's that, while we're still talking about sphinxes being important.

ADwD 4: Bran I

Coldhands, Bran, Meera, Jojen and Hodor all ride along with Coldhand's elk. Summer follows them, staying nearby but also hunting for food in this land which is becoming increasingly cold and barren. Bran can tell that Summer is keeping some distance from Coldhands for another reason too, beyond the hunt. Summer doesn't like the smell of Coldhands. He smells... well, dead.

A flock of ravens also seems to follow the group, up in the sky. 

Bran: I mean the crows following us thing is sort of creepy, but also sort of reassuring. Crows are carrion birds, so one half of me thinks they see how weak and pathetic we are. They're just waiting for us to die so that they can begin eating us.  But the other half of me knows that we are going off to visit "the Three-Eyed Crow" from my dreams and therefore I also believe the crows are a good thing. Like Coldhands is warging with the crows and they're helping to lead the way.

Meera: I don't really like this Coldhands guy. Notice how we're all breathing and we can see our breath it the cold? Now look at his mouth.

They look. There is indeed no misty cloud of condensation in the air coming from Coldhand's mouth. But then again, admittedly, Coldhands also has his mouth wrapped up so that it can't be seen. 

Bran: Uhh... maybe that scarf covering his mouth is simply blocking his breath so we can't see it. Yeah. That.

Jojen: Whoa man... this dude is... like... totally dead and stuff, bro! I'm so cold man, I can't even light my blunts with them going out.

Bran: Oh shit. I had almost forgotten that we had reinterpreted Jojen as a stoner for the Jingle. Wow. It's been such a long time since once of my chapters. Are there any other radical character re-imaginings that I have forgotten about?

Hodor: To provide an assessment to that inquiry, Lord Brandon, I would have to make a rebuttal in the negative. For I am unable to recall or cite any other modifications to the prevailing dispositions of characters that have been formulated in this reinterpretation of the original novel series. Or at least I envisage that to be so, although I grow increasingly aware of the fact that my cognizance does fade sometimes these days. I would presume that somehow the frigid climate is effecting the function of my hippocampus and causing some sort of  neuroanatomical memory disorder.

Jojen: LOL. Whut? *begins chewing his weed since his blunt won't light* 

Meera: Hodor says he doesn't think so, but his memory isn't that good because of the cold. Look, all I'm saying about Coldhands is that he doesn't seem to eat or drink either. Creepy.

Bran: I'm starting to remember all those stories that Old Nan told me about monsters that lived behind the wall. Maybe Coldhands is one of them.

Coldhands: Hey! I'm right here, kids. Stop talking about me.

Jojen: This Coldhands dude is, like, taking us to the Three-Eyed Crow, man. Leave him alone. He's far out!

Meera: *grumble* I can't see why this Three-Eyed Crow can't just come to us.

Their next stop is some village where they believe they can find some shelter. But they're unable to find it.

Coldhands: Fuck. I think my compass is broken.

Bran wargs into Summer. Summer finds it, comes back to them, and leads them to it. With the shelter, now they're (temporarily) protected from freezing to death.

But all and all, things are getting worse --not better-- as they continue on. As they wait in the shelter, Bran wargs into Summer yet again, and is off to hunt for food.

Summer/Bran: *howl* [Translation: Oh hey. I just ran into a pack of three wolves. Why does this group of wolves seem so familiar?]

One Eye/Varamyr: *howl* [Translation: OH SHIT! It's me again, baby! Look! I'm still alive! Yeah, dudes! The Wights didn't kill me right after the prologue. I told you, narrator! Varamyr will live on, forever!]

Summer/Bran: *woof*? [Translation: Wait, are you eating three dead Wildlings?]

One Eye/Varamyr: *whimper* [Translation: Yeah, I guess. Sort of. Is one of the dead people my own corpse? Probably, but then again I'm sort of a sick fuck. I don't care what Haggon taught me about that being an abomination. This is an abomination. That is an abomination. Blah, blah, blah.]

Summer/Bran: *howl* [Translation: Wait, why are we talking to each other?]

One Eye/Varamyr: *howl* [Translation: Good point. This should be a fight scene. Wolf buddies, ATTACK!]

And so One Eye/Varamyr orders his wolves to attack Summer/Bran.  But Summer/Bran is a GIANT, AWESOME DIREWOLF and these three other wolves are just regular wolves. Summer quickly beats the shit out of One Eye/Varamyr. One Eye rolls over, showing his belly and submitting.

One Eye/Varamyr: *whimper* [Translation: I SUBMIT! I SUBMIT! DUDE, I SUBMIT! Damnit! I used to be Varamyr Sixskins. The greatest warg of all time. Now I'm submitting to a goddamn boy?]

Summer/Bran: *howl* [Translation: Damn right you are].

Summer/Bran then starts eating the dead bodies himself. Which is super messed up. Bran is eating people. Gross, right? But Summer is hungry as hell, so he doesn't care.  But nearly as important as the food is that the wolf pack now belongs to him.

Bran suddenly snaps out of Summer. He's back in the shelter by a fire that Coldhands has started. Coldhands has also caught some food.

Coldhands: Okay kids, time to eat. I know it's not much. But it's what there is.

Meera: Why don't you also eat something yourself, Coldhands?

Coldhands: Hahaha, no. I'm already... uhh... so full!

Meera: *eyes Coldhands suspiciously*

Bran: Seriously Coldhands, who are you?

Coldhands: Okay. You got me, you got me! I'm dead.

Meera: I knew it! And who exactly is this Three-Eyed Crow you're taking us too?

Coldhands: A friend. The Last Greenseer.

Jojen: WHOA! Like, what about me, dude!? I'm right here.

Bran: This is messed up. We're following some sort of dead monster?

Coldhands: Yes. But I'm your dead monster, Bran.

Sitcom Audience: Awwwww!!!

Crow: YOURS! YOURS! YOURS! *squawk*

Meera: What the fuck, Jojen? You're supposed to have these visions and shit. What are we supposed to do now? Was this in your green dreams? Following this dead guy?

Jojen: Hey sis, get off my case. We don't have, like, a choice. It's too late to turn back now, Meera. We'd never make it back alive. We, like, totally go with this monster dude or we die. Plus maybe this Three-Eyed Crow has some chewables.

Crow: Corn?