ADwD 16: Daenerys III

Dany is watching a huge ceremony from a visiting ambassador. This ceremony is crazy. It’s full of lavish gifts and dancers who engage in crazy orgies. It’s some really messed up, nasty, R-rated, hardcore stuff. But then again, Dany has been to a Dothraki wedding. So this is, by comparison, almost tame.

The ceremony is being hosted by the ambassador, none other than one Mr. Xaro Xhoan Daxos of Qarth.

Dany: OHHHHH!!!!! OH SHIT! XXD?! XXD?!

XXD: It is I, my …uhh… beautiful Queen. Come here with the gift of showing you orgies.

Dany: Nasty. Also, aren’t you dead or something? Didn’t I lock you and Doreah inside your vault to die or something like that?

XXD: No, you gorgeous, sexy female woman, you. Exactly what I am attracted to, of course. I don’t know where you’d get such a crazed notion from. For I am very much still alive, and single! You know, if your Grace is interested.

Irri: Yes, Doreah died of the wasting sickness in the Red Waste. She was not locked in a vault in Qarth, nor what I strangled to death in Qarth. It is known.

Jhiqui: It is known.

Dany: Wow, I can’t believe you two are still around in the books! You’re both so useless!

They shrug, as they are unable to argue with that.

Dany continues to watch all the hardcore sex happening in front of her. It doesn’t turn her on that much, but she can’t help but think of Daario as she watches it.

Dany: Oh, the things I’ll do to him when he gets back. Maybe I should take some notes.

XXD: What was that?

Dany: Oh, nothing. Don’t worry about it.

XXD: Oh no! I fear my beautiful Queen may have her eys set upon another man! That cannot be so! For I love and adore your sexy, female body so much! Yes! Yes! That female body with gross breasts and without a strong, hard penis is exactly what I’ve been desiring for so long! Why, just looking at your firm breasts makes me want to… *gag*… uh… *gag*… suckle them. Yes. So. Bad. Please marry me!

Dany: Oh please, XXD. You’re gayer than Liberace using Grindr while riding a unicorn on his way to watch figure skating.

XXD: What? NO! NO! I… uhh… want you, so bad. You’re so attractive. Your. Vagina. Thing. Yeah. That. I like that. Pink. Smelly. Slab of roast beef. OKAY OKAY OKAY! I’m TOTALLY GAY. FINE. But just think about it! You and me married… the power we’d have together!

Dany: Still after my dragons, huh?

XXD: The dragons? No! The dragons were cute and a wonder when they were small. But I’m over them now.  I mean our combined power! Me and my power in Qarth. You as the ruler of Meereen.

Dany: Hrm. You… a local trader in a town who I already walked away from when I was dirty broke and down and out. And me… who has been leading an army across Essos and conquering city after city, freeing slaves, and ruling with powerful dragons at my command. I wonder who wins in that power relationship. RHETORICAL QUESTION. IT IS ME.

Of course, she doesn’t mention that one of her dragons has flown away and can’t be found at all, while the other two are locked away in a basement.

XXD: Hey… speaking of that slavery thing. You know… it’s SORT OF a necessary evil.

Dany: Oh shit. It’s like Jorah all over again. *groan*

XXD: All your soldiers, they were only made into strong and powerful soldiers by being slaves.

Dany: Well now they are free.

XXD: Not my point. They would have never become soldiers if they weren’t slaves. They needed to be brutalized and tortured to become the weapons they are. Think of a sword. It needs to be placed into the flames and tempered to be fit to be a weapon. The same goes for mankind.

Dany: Nope. Big no. Not listening to this.

XXD: All these dancers you see before you… they are slaves as well! Perhaps I shall gift them to you!

Dany: If you did, I would free them. It’s sort of what I do.

XXD: And what would they do? Become ditch-diggers and unemployed beggars in the street like all the other people you “freed” here in Meereen? I bet a quarter of the city which you “freed” would come begging to be purchased by me and become my slave to live in my palaces.

Dany: Ouch. Hitting a bit close to a weak spot there.

XXD: I apologize, my darling! Come. It is not this I wish to speak with you about. It is actually another matter, but quite sensitive. May we speak in private?

Dany: Uhh… I guess.

And so they walk off together in private. But, you know, also with Barristan.

XXD: What’s the old fogey doing following us? I said “private.”

Dany: What I know… Ser Barristan should know. He keeps my secrets.

XXD: Whatever. Grampa will probably just forget it anyway.

Barristan: Hey!

They arrive at her private chambers.

Dany: So, what is this all about? You said you were here to help. Do you wish to trade with us? That is what we need. The other cities are all at war… with each other or with us. Maybe Dornish wine? I’d love to buy some Dornish wine. I just wish some party of Dorish winesellers were on their way here. That would make me so happy.

XXD: Trade? Hahaha, no. You have nothing I’d want to buy… other than people.

Dany: Again, NOT FOR SALE. PEOPLE ARE NOT FOR SALE. This is a free city.

XXD: It’s also a POOR city. No, trade is not what I desire. I come here to help you by WARNING YOU. The path you take will lead your city to death and destruction. Yunkai is gathering its forces to destroy you. If you leave this city to fight Yunkai, then Meereen wise rise up behind you. If you stay on your current path… there can be only death. Why, I have even heard that the Golden Company has been hired. Perhaps by Yunkai!

Dany: The Golden Company? Ugh. Those guys. Why, I remember once my brother Viserys once feasted them in hoped that they would take up his cause. Yet they ate his food and laughed at him.
Barristan: Queen Dany! A quick, but important, narrative aside, if you will.

Dany and Barristan go into a corner away from XXD.

Dany: What’s up, Dany?

Barristan: Well, do you remember just a few chapters ago when Tyrion explained the history of the Golden Company and Illyrio was like, “Black or Red, a dragon is still a dragon”?

Dany: What about it?
                           
Barristan: Well, that was supposed to be Illyrio’s explanation of why the Golden Company was planning to ally with you. The whole purpose of the Golden Company and its establishment was to help the Blakfyre faction, aka “the blacks,” eventually go back and claim the iron throne from the Targaryens, aka “the reds.”  With the Blackfyre lineage now supposedly extinct, Illyrio was telling Tyrion that the Golden Company would now fight for you.

Dany: I’m not sure where you’re going with this.

Barristan: WELL, your comment that the Golden Company once laughed away Viserys would seem to indicate that Illyrio’s statement is FALSE. The Golden Company therefore doesn’t appear to have any loyalty to follow the Targaryens, despite the fact that we’re being told that they now do.

Dany: Maybe they just thought Viserys was a dick. You know. Because Viserys was a dick.

Barristan: Just follow me here. So look, If the Golden Company has no reason to follow Viserys… we can then presume that they’d have no reason to want to follow you either. We can ALSO therefore presume that when they do the eventual “Young Griff is Aegon” reveal two chapters from now, that the Golden Company would not have any reason to want to follow him either.

Dany: Hrm. And yet they will be allied with and following him, won’t they?

Barristan: Right! Which means…

Dany: Shit Barristan, did you just pull me aside to use my chapter as further evidence of the “Young Griff is Aegon but Aegon is really Fake Aegon and Fake Aegon is really a Blackfyre” theory?

Barristan: Yes.

Dany: Fair enough.

Dany and Barristan then rejoin the main narrative.

Dany: XXD, what were we talking about?

XXD: I was saying that if you stay on your current path… there can be only death.

Dany: So you’re suggesting a new path for me?

XXD: Not quite. I’m suggesting your old path. The one you were already supposed to be on. In Qarth you wanted ships from me. Ships to sail to Westeros. Well, now I am ready to give them to you.

Dany: I told you before, asshole. I’m not giving you one of my dragons for your dumb ships.

XXD: No dragons. I don’t want anything other than you getting the hell out of here. Now. I have 13 ships for you. One from each of the Thirteen of Qarth. You and your soldiers… get in them NOW. Sail to Westeros. Be gone.

Dany: WHAAAAAAAAAAA?

XXD: I know, right? It’s what you always wanted.

Dany: I… I… uhh…

Dany sort of loves this deal. But she also sort of hates it. It’s true… it’s what she does want. She finally has a fleet that can take her and her soldiers to Westeros. But now she’s also doing this whole “let me see if I can win the peace rather than just win the war” thing. If she leaves Meereen, it will instantly just fall back into slavery. She’s torn and can’t make a decision. She needs more time. But she can’t say that. So she has to bluff to buy some time.

Dany: XXD, of course my men will need to inspect these ships to check their conditions.

XXD: Of course. I will allow you the night to inspect the ships. I will come to you again tomorrow and will need your decision by then.

Dany: Oh okay.

XXD: As for tonight… well… my bedchamber is open to you, if it pleases you.

Dany: Uh, no. That will not happen in a million years.

XXD: OH THANK GOD.  Oh, also another fun fact I forgot to tell you before. Remember Pyat Pree and his cult of Warlocks that tried to kill you back in Qarth? Well, yeah… they’re coming this way and still trying to kill you. Okay, bye.

XXD leaves.

Dany: Barristan, what should I do?

Barristan: I’m not sure. XXD is not trustworthy at all. I sense a trap. But your goal is to take the Iron Throne back. And this will get you there.

Dany: Hrmm. I’m going to need to sleep on this.

Fortunately, sleeping allows us to do a convenient time jump.

The next day, Dany is still leaning back and forth on which way she will go. She’s excited about the idea of going to Westeros.  In the meantime, she has visitors.  The first is Lord Ghael from Astapor.

Ghael: Please! We need help! Yunkai is winning the war and will kill us soon! Your forces need to march on those scum and aid us!

Dany: Uhh… wait a second here, bitch. Did I not EXPLICITLY TELL YOU NOT TO GO TO WAR WITH YUNKAI. And then you did anyway. And now you’re running back here, and begging for help because you did exactly what I told you not to do?

Ghael: Well in hindsight…

Dany: --REQUEST DENIED!

Ghael: HOW DARE YOU! *spits on Dany's face*

Dany: Oh, not cool.

Strong Belwas walks up and smashes Ghael so far that all of his teeth fall out of his mouth like in a hilarious cartoon where someone gets hit by a piano and their teeth become piano keys that fall out of their mouth. Yes. Exactly like that. They drag Ghael away.

Dany: NEXT!

Up next comes her Admiral, Groleo, who is done from inspecting the ships.

Groleo: I mean they’re not the best ships in the world. How much do you know about ships?

Dany: Not much. They have sails and sail. Right?

Groleo: How about cars then? Let’s use car metaphors here. You see, the fleet that XXD is offering you isn’t exactly a bunch of Buggatis and Lexuses. None of the ships are going to be  a Bentley, or a Porshe or even an Audi.

Dany: So what are we talking here? Are they at least like Toyota RAV4s? Chevrolet Equinoxes? Or maybe like Ford Mustangs or something smaller?

Groleo: Look, it’s not like the fleet is a fleet of Edsels, Pintos, Yugos and AMC Pacers. They are okay ships. It’s just that they’re nothing special.

Dany: Well what are they like?

Groleo: If I had to assign a car equivalent to each of the thirteen ships that XXD is offering you… then I’d say he’s giving you four late 80’s Ford Tauruses, three 2004 Chevy Tahoes, two 2007 Honda Accords, two 2003 Pontiac Aztecs, one 2003 Chevy Avalanche, and one 1999 Saturn S-Series.

Dany: Oh.

Groleo: I mean… they’ll get you across the sea, for sure. But… you know…

Dany: Is the ship that’s like a Chevy Avalance… is it more like an Avalance with a Vortec 8.1 L V8 with 340 hp and the 4L85-E four-speed transmission, for the three-quarter-ton 2500 series? That one would be okay because the drive train is rear-wheel or selectable high/low four-wheel.

Groleo: No, I’d say it’s more like the Vortec 5.3 L V8 with 285 hp, typically like the ones used for the half-ton 1500 series.

Dany: I see. They’ll make it to Westeros though?

Groleo: Yes, they will.

Reznak: WHAT IS THIS?! Are you ABANDONING US, Dany?!

Dany: Well… no… I… just…

Reznak: What do you think will happen to us when you leave? The people who stood up for you and fought for you? For freedom? The people like me? We will be raped and slaughtered!

Dany: Uhh… you can… come with me! Yeah! You can all just come with me!

Symon Stripeback: Queen Dany, that won’t work. You’re being offered thirteen ships. You can’t have EVERYONE flee on thirteen ships. You have tens of thousands of people following you. And that’s not to mention that the Dothraki refuse to ride in ships.

Irri: Thirteen is an unlucky number. It is known.

Jhiqui: It is known.

Doreah: [still dead]

Dany: Who the FUCK is Symon Stripeback? 

Grey Worm: Maybe the army can just go overland along the coastline while the ships sail?

Skahaz: Overland? That road is called THE DEMON ROAD for a reason! There is no way we’d survive all the traps laid there by our enemies.

Reznak: True. The ones on the road will all die, but the ones who stay here will face something even worse than death.

Dany falls silent for a minute.

Dany: Shiiiiiiiiit. Well I guess we HAVE to stay here then, huh?

Barristan: But Queen! Going back to Westeros has always been our goal!

Dany: I will not abandon Meereen to war and death as I did with Astapor. The matter is settled. I will stay here until… well… I don’t know. The next book hasn’t been written yet.  Okay, so who’s next?

It’s XXD.

Dany: Oh, this is awkward.

XXD walks up.

XXD: Behold, beautiful Queen! I come before with you with YET ANOTHER GIFT! It is something that has been down in my vault for some time!

Dany: Doreah’s skeleton?*

XXD: A giant tapestry of the world! And there… over on that far side is your island of Westeros. A good map, no? A map which you will find useful for you to find your way over there. Like, now-ish.

Dany: Yeah, about that. Look, thank you for the gift of the ships… and I can definitely use them for trade and stuff. But I’m not leaving.

XXD: HOW DARE YOU! THE THIRTEEN TOLD ME THAT YOU WOULD NOT LISTEN BUT I SAID I COULD TAKE SOME SENSE INTO YOU! THEY WERE RIGHT THOUGH, YOU’RE A MORON! YOU WILL DIE SCREAMING!!!!!!!!! I SHOULD HAVE KILLED YOU IN QARTH WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE! YOU HAVE JUST BECOME THE ENEMY OF MY CITY!

Belwas moves forward to bury this guy, but Dany puts her hand up.

Dany: Belwas, no! He is our guest here. But he must leave this city by the morning. And XXD, if you ever dare threaten me again… it’s the vault for you. For REAL this time.

The next morning, they go and check on the status of XXD and his men. They have indeed left and sailed away. Except he left the thirteen ships behind.

Dany: Oh, well. I mean that guy is an asshole but at least he left the ships.

Skahaz: No! Not a gift. A warning! Look.

Skahaz picks up a bloody glove that has been left on the ship.

Dany: OH SHIT! He’s planning to send OJ Simpson after us! It’s WAR!

Skahaz: What should we do?

Dany: I dunno. Probably lay low for a while. Like go on a quick hiatus.

Skahaz: Hiatus?

Dany: Yeah, the writer of this whole blog is leaving the country anyway.

Skahaz: Oh.

Thus begins a brief hiatus. Apologies! Will be back soon! 

*I really like this joke, and I think about it every time I read this chapter and Xaro says he has a gift from his vault.

ADwD 15: Davos II

Davos and his ship arrive in White Harbor, and Davos is disguised to look like a filthy, common, poor, hard-drinking, sludge-pie eating sailor. Which isn’t that hard. I mean, come on. He’s a rough-looking dude with fingers cut off.

Davos: HEY!  Okay, actually I’m not really that offended. I really still think of myself as a man of the people, you know. I haven’t let this “Hand of the King” thing go to my head. Part of me is still that onion smuggler.

Davos looks at the harbor as his ship pulls up. This is hardly how he expected to arrive. He came with Stannis’s proud fleet. But that fleet all broke and abandoned Stannis during a storm. So now he sails in on an unassuming ship, and sees a bunch of new fortifications that have been put up. But it’s not the fortifications that make him unhappy – it’s the warship that he sees. A warship with the name “Lionstar” and flying the banner of King Tommen.

Davos: DAMNIT! The Freys must have beaten me here. Captain, how long are you willing to wait here for me?

Captain: Meh, a day or two I guess. Not much more. If you’re not back by then, I’m sailing away without you.

Davos: Fair enough.

Davos, in his disguise, walks into town through the Seal Gate and checks it out. He takes a big breath and smells a mix of rotting seafood, old beer, puke, and streets full of urine.

Davos: *sniff* Oh yeah! Just like it was when I used to come here. Man, so many memories are flowing back to me.  All these shitty bars and restaurants that I used to come to as a smuggler. Those were the days! Still, I’m not here to remember the good old days. I’m here to blend in and go unnoticed. I’m here to learn everything I can which might help me figure out how I can convince Lord Manderly to be on my side.

He goes into the center of town where he sees a famous, old bank. But the bank has closed down and is now full of homeless refugees who have fled the wars.

Davos: Look at those poor souls. They have fled their homes, destroyed by war. Now they have nothing. The safety here is all they have. Nothing else. And yet I’ve come here to bring Manderly and White Harbor back into the war. To bring war to them. Shit, I sort of feel guilty as hell about that. *sigh* But I gotta do what I gotta do.

Davos walks up to an apple vendor.

Davos: An apple, please.

He pays for it and gets one. It is mealy and tatses like absolute shit. Which means it’s probably a Red Delicious, right?! I MEAN COME ON! THOSE THINGS ARE MAY BE RED, BUT THEY ARE NOT DELICIOUS! THE WHOLE THING IS A LIE!

Davos: Soo… MMmmm! Yeah. Love this apple. So tasty. Yeah. *cough*cough*

A worm comes out of the apple and waves hi.

Davos: Sooooo, apple seller… What’s up with Lord Manderly these days?

Apple Seller: Oh, well, he’s doing fine. I was just playing cyvasse with him the other days and went to lunch with is cousin. Seems like the doctor says he needs to cut back on the eel pies a little, but then again that’s pretty obvious, isn’t it? Anyway, he was telling me about how he has some pain in his right leg and didn’t know what was causing it.

Davos: Oh. Wow. Really?

Apple Seller: NO, NOT REALLY, YOU STUPID MORON! I AM AN APPLE SELLER! I SELL APPLES! HOW THE HELL WOULD I KNOW HOW LORD MANDERLY IS DOING?! HE’S THE LORD OF THIS CITY! LIKE I OR ANY POOR PERSON WOULD INTERACT WITH HIM ON A DAILY BASIS. What the hell, man? Where exactly are you from?

Davos: Flea Bottom.

Apple Seller: OH! FLEA BOTTOM! So… King’s Landing, huh? Maybe I should ask you HOW THE KING IS DOING!

Davos: Actually, I might be able to answer that question depending on what king you’re talking about.

Apple Seller: *blinks obliviously*

Davos: Look, bro. Sorry for asking. I wasn’t trying to imply that he was your best friend or anything. I just mean what’s the gossip in town? Is he taking sides in this war or anything? It’s been a long time since I’ve been to White Harbor.

Apple Seller: Ah, well he’s been recruiting troops and shit. I dunno.

Davos: Hrm. Interesting. Interesting. Well, it was good talking to you. Actually, I'm lying and it wasn't.

Davos begins to walk away, and motions to throw the rest of his apple in the garbage. Because it’s a red delicious and that’s where mealy red delicious apples belong.

Apple Seller: WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! You gonna throw that core away? There’s good eating in that core, if you don’t want the rest.

Davos: Gross, man. You’re going to eat the rest of my half-eaten, mealy apple with a waving worm in it? That’s how people get mono, man.

Apple Seller: Yeah, eat it myself or just re-sell a half eaten apple to one of these starving refugees for a few pennies. It’s not much, but I can get some value out of it.

Davos hands the apple back to the seller and walks away, shaking his head.

Next he goes to hole-in-the-wall tavern called the Lazy Eel that he used to go all the time when he was a smuggler. I mean this place is THE WORST. The food here is so bad that no locals actually go here. The beer isn’t good either.  The whole place is just a trap for sailors and traders who come into town who don’t know any better and come to this place for the absolute worst food at the cheapest prices. I’m not exactly sure what kinds of places the Whitecastle hookers who got murdered by Jack the Ripper used to hang out at, but I imagined they looked pretty much like the Lazy Eel. 

The plus side of the Lazy Eel? Soldiers would never come here. So Davos can creep in the corner, listen to the gossip of all the sailors who goes in there talking, and not be detected.

He does exactly that.

Davos: Oh yeah! Juicy sailor gossip, here I come! Sailors hear everything!

Popeye: Did you hear? Tywin Lannister is dead! Killed by his imp son. His corpse smelled so bad that nobody could enter the Sept of Baelor until a hazmat team came in to do DECON.

Captain Crunch: Oh yeah? I heard that the Lady of the Eyrie was killed by some singer, and Littlefinger rules in the Vale. But Bronze Yohn Royce doesn’t like that and he plans to bring him down as soon as he FINDS HIS MISSING SON WHICH HE WON’T STOP CRYING ABOUT!!!

Sailor Moon: Speaking of dead people, I heard that Balon Greyjoy was dead and his brothers are all fighting for the Seastone Chair in some bullshit called a “Kingsmoot.”

Crispus Attucks: I heard Sandor “The Hound” Clegane is roaming round long the Trident and killing people.

Sinbad: That’s nothing. I’m from out East in Essos. Over there, Lys and Tyrosh are embroiled in an epic war! It’s something else. And there is a slave revolt happening even further out.

Horatio Hornblower‎: Well, I have some local news. Robett Glover is in town, trying to raise some men. But Manderly ain’t having none of it. Lord Eel Pie doesn’t want to get involved in any wars.

Davos: Hrm. Finally some local news. That’s good to hear. But also terrible to hear. Manderly wants to avoid entering the war? Damnit!

Skipper & Gilligan: Speaking of eel pies, who’s hungry to order another one?

All the sailors want more disgusting, filthy eel pies that taste horrible.

Bar Maid: The only flavor we have left is Extra Toe Nail.

Jack Aubrey: That’s fine with all of us.

Davos: *ahem*… Hey there, fellow sailors. It’s just me sitting in the corner here, listening to the rest of you gossip. Instead of talking about eating toenail and eel pies… could you go back to the gossip stuff?

Shipwreck from G.I. Joe: Oh yeah, right. Sorry stranger. I heard that the Ryswells and Dustins launched a surprise attack on the Ironmen and sent them fleeing. Now the Bastard of Bolton is riding south with Hother “Whoresbane” Umber to join an attack on Moat Cailin. The Hornwoods and Cerwyns have joined too.

Captain Nemo: If you ask me, Lord Wyman needs to send some troops as well. Lord Roose Bolton is the Warden of the North now, and so Wyman needs to send troops to support him, lest he get on the wrong side of his Warden.

Bar Maid: Oh what the hell does Roose Bolton know of honor? He was involved in that terrible Red Wedding! Now who wants more beer that I’ve mixed with dirty bath water?

Donald Duck: *says some nonsense that nobody can understand*

Ishmael: Well, we all know Lord Eel Pie isn’t going to answer the summons and go anywhere himself. He’s too fat. There is no horse that could carry him.

Bar Maid: Fat or think doesn’t matter. The Lannisters got his son as a prisoner, that’s what’s going to make his mind up.

Davos: Hrm. Nobody seems to be talking about King Stannis at all. That could be a good thing. But it could also be a bad thing. How do I expect these Northerners to kneel to King Stannis when they don’t even THINK about him? I bet they don’t even know that he showed up to save the Night’s Watch on the Wall.

Bar Maid: HEY YOU! Man in the corner over there mumbling to yourself… what did you just say?

Davos: Uhm… erm… I said… uhh… “Oh? They have Manderly’s son hostage? I thought that Manderly’s son was killed.”

Bar Maid: They killed Ser Wendel. Ser Wylis is still a prisoner.

Davos: Oh man. This news keeps getting worse and worse. The Freys are here. Manderly doesn’t want to fight. And if he does get pressured into fighting… it would definitely be for King Tommen’s side because he’s obliged to obey Lord Bolton and the Lannisters have his son as a hostage. And to add the cherry on top… nobody here at all has said anything like, “I wish the rightful king, Stannis, would show up and save the day!” There is no good news for me here.

He slouches back into the corner and continues to listen to the gossip, but there is nothing else about the situation here in White Harbor that can help him out. There is some more juicy gossip from the east though.

Edmond Dantès, the Count of Monte Cristo: --You’re crazy, Hook! Dragons?! Dragons! Now I KNOW you’re lying. The Beggar King has been dead for years. Some horse made him eat a Hot Pocket fresh out of the microwave and it melted his head off. 

Captain Hook: That could be true, but maybe it’s not. People pretend to be dead all the time, and it’s half the world away. You haven’t seen Viserys’s corpse, have you?

Bar Maid: Oh please. I’ve never King Robert or King Joffrey’s corpses neither, so maybe they’re alive too. Maybe Baelor the Blessed is alive after all these years too, just having a little nap.

Derek Wildstar: Hey! Viserys wasn’t the only dragon, you know? There was also some babe, right? The prince Aegon. MAYBE HE’S NOT DEAD AND IS STILL ALIVE, USING A DISGUISE SUCH AS “YOUNG GRIFF” OR SOMETHING.

Everyone throws their food at Derek Wildstar and boo him, because that’s a stupid suggestion and everyone knows that GRRM is trying really hard to get us to believe that Young Griff is Aegon.

Some Random Toothless Hooker: Aegon wasn’t the only one. There were also two girls, weren’t there?

Jack the Ripper: Two. Rhagar’s daughter and his sister. Now come with me, Hooker.

Hooker: Okay!

They leave together.

Robinson Crusoe: But the daughter was murdered. The siter, the one that was Viserys’ sister. She’s still alive. What’s her name? Daenella? Danielle? Destiny? Destrii?

Davos: --Daenerys. Oh, sorry to butt in. It’s just that you were saying so many wrong names that it was messing with my OCD and I just had to step in.  Anyway, nobody knows what happened to her.

Captain Ron: I DO!!!!!!

Everyone gasps as Captain Ron (AKA Kurt Russell with an Eye Patch from the non-critically acclaimed, non-hit 1992 film) suddenly emerges onto the scene.

Davos: You know what happened to Dany Targaryen?

Captain Ron: Oh yeah, for sure. I saw her all the way back in Qarth, back in ACoK Chapter 63. She was looking for some ship to take her and her three Dragons to Westeros. She had pretty purple eyes, silver hair, and a nice set, if you know what I mean.


Davos: Dude, she’s like 15 or 16.

Captain Ron: Hahaha, whatever dude. If there’s grass on her lawn, she’s ready to get mowed! If you know what I mean!

Nobody does.

Davos: That Captain Ron reference got dropped in an April 2018 post of the Jingle. Were we really setting up that to pay off an entire year later?

Captain Ron: *shrugs* Anyway, I was like “No way! There’s more profit trading saffron and cloves than carrying some dragons who will set all my sails on fire.”

With this, Davos has heard enough. The stories about dragons are cool and all, and sailing Essos and looking for dragons were dreams he once had. But now he’s the Hand of the King and he needs to get back to business. He’s not going to get any more sweet intel about Manderly from here. The sailors already gave him everything they could possible give.

Davos: What do I do now? Is it even worth going to see Lord Manderly? No way is he joining Team Stannis now. Not with all this stuff with his hostage son and the Freys here. Besides, Ser Axell Florent told me that I was an ape wearing knight’s clothing. I fit in much better in that seedy bar with those sailors than I do before the court of a Lord. Manderly will never listen to me.

Davos sighs yet again. He knows he’ll likely fail. But can he go back to his King as a failure? Stannis is such a pain in the ass. He has to go. He has to try.

Davos climbs the steep stairs up to the gates of New Castle, where Lord Manderly resides. At the top of the hill, he can see out to the harbors. He sees nearly two dozen warships that are preparing for something.

Davos: What the hell? Lord Eel Pie might be fat, but he’s not totally inactive. He’s doing something with those ships.

He turns and walks to the New Castle gates. He knocks. There is no answer. Then he shouts.

Davos: HEY! OPEN THE DAMN GATES, BUTTHOLES!

Guard: SHUT UP! They’re closed! It’s the middle of the night, dude! What the hell are you doing here?

Davos pulls out his sheet of paper with the royal seal.

Davos: I am here on behalf of the true king, Stannis Baratheon. I am to meet with him and him alone. At once!

Guard: Really? You’re here to meet Manderly on behalf of a king? You smell like vomit, athlete’s foot, and sadness.

Davos: I was just at the Lazy Eel.

Guard: Ah, well that explains that. Come on in. 

ADwD 14: Tyrion IV

Tyrion: Cool!  It’s only Chapter 14 in the entire book and I’ve already had four POV chapters? DUDES! I’m like totally the main character of this book! At last! Time to celebrate!!!

Tyrion cracks open a bottle of wine and begins drinking it.

Until it’s snatched and thrown over the side of the Shy Maid and into the river Rhoyne.

Griff: No.

Tyrion: GRIFF! What did you do that for?

Griff: Enough drinking, “Hugor Hill.” I’m cutting you off.

Tyrion: NO! You can’t! I’ve been nonstop drunk since Westeros. I can’t go cold turkey. I’ll get the shakes for days!

Griff: Too bad.

Tyrion is cut off, cold turkey. He has the shakes for days.

Tyrion: See?

Griff: Whatever, we got over all of that with two lines of dialogue. Now it’s passed and you’re better.

Tyrion: I… guess. Why do you got to be so pissy to me though?

Griff: Because you’re super annoying.

Tyrion: Also, you seem to be pissy to everyone else too. Are you just a pissy guy?

Griff: Shut up, Hugor. I am slightly annoyed that Yandry and Ysilla, the two people who control and own this boat, are not travelling by both night and day. We need to get down to Queen Dany FASTER! And yet they always break for night. LAME.

Tyrion: Ugh. Yandry and Ysilla. Two additional characters?! Do I have to remember and learn about them too?

Griff: Not really. Overall, I’d say they’re fairly useless.

Tyrion: Well what other damn characters do I have to learn about now? There’s you, Duck, Halfmaester Haldon, Young Griff, Yandry, and Ysilla. Anyone else?

Griff: Septa Lemore is here too.

Tyrion: Septa? There is a septa here as well?

Griff: Yes. Right there.

He points. The Septa is out in the water, bathing herself.

Tyrion: Great, well now I have an erection.

Griff: DUDE, SHE’S A SEPTA! That’s the Ice and Fire equivalent of a nun.

Tyrion: I know. What? You’re saying I can’t get turned on by a nun? There are some pretty hot nuns out there. You don’t think nun fetishes are a thing? I can tell you, dude. They are a thing.

Griff: Gross, Hugor. Gross.

Tyrion: Plus I can tell she’s no virginal little lady, either. Look at those stretch-marks on her belly. She’s clearly given birth to some kid at some point in the past.

Griff: You’re looking at her stretch marks now? YOU ARE SICK AND I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT ANY MORE OF YOUR FETISHES!

The Septa then comes over.

Septa Lamore: Hey you, Yollo.

Tyrion: Actually, it’s “Hugor Hill.”

Septa: Are you being a total creeper and gawking at me and saying sexual things about me?

Tyrion: Maybe a little.

Septa: Oh. Okay.

And she goes about her business, not even giving a damn.

Tyrion: That was a slightly unexpected reaction. Also, she must have really good hearing.

Yandry and/or Ysilla: DING DING DING! Breakfast time!

Tyrion: Did you just speak out the words “ding ding ding?”

Yandry and/or Ysilla: Yes.

Tyrion: Do I have to remember which of your characters is which or care about either of you?

Yandry and/or Ysilla: No.

Tyrion: Good.

They have breakfast and move on. Afterwards, Tyrion sees Young Griff and Duck, jousting and practicing at sword fighting.

Young Griff totally kicks Duck’s butt, and knocks him into the river.

Tyrion: Hahaha! You suck, Duck! Oh! That rhymes! I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it.

Duck: Hey Yollo, shut up.

Duck gets out of the water, and then pushes Tyrion right in.

Tyrion: AGH!!!! What the hell?! Dude! I’m so tiny! I could easily have drowned. You don’t even know if I can swim.

Duck: Well, it looks like you can.

Tyrion: Okay, I can. I don’t even know why you’re angry though. Don’t Ducks like the water?

Duck: Har-dee-har-har.

Tyrion then jumps back onto the boat, doing a cartwheel.

Duck: Dude, that is so strange and insulting to dwarves. Doing cartwheels is basically the blackface equivalent for little persons.

Tyrion: Yeah, I guess I do that in the books. Rarely. It’s been a while. Anyway, I guess my clothes are ruined now and I’ll need new ones.

Septa: I guess I’ll make you some new clothes.

Tyrion: Ah, you should make them out of your clothes. And by that I mean you should take your clothes off now, cut them apart, and sew them up. So you can be naked again.

Septa: No. That doesn't even make sense.

Tyrion: It was worth a try.

The Septa makes him new clothes anyway. It, of course, is in a motley pattern of cut up material. Which makes him look even more like a jester.

Duck: Ugh. Again? I’m really, really uncomfortable like this. Doing somersaults and wearing motley? This is super offensive, man. This is nearing just as offensive and racist as GRRM is about black people in that Sam chapter, where he basically had that ship captain do everything other than eat a watermelon.

Tyrion: Yes, that was pretty racist.

Griff then shows up.

Griff: What is this? FUN?! Are you people having fun! STOP THAT AT ONCE! NO FUN ON MY VESSEL!

Yandry and/or Ysilla: Your vessel? But this is our vessel!

Griff: SHUT UP! I told you, neither of you will be important for the plot. Now Hugor Hill… you’re supposed to be this big dragon expert or something, huh?

Tyrion: Sort of.

Griff: Go below deck. There you’ll find a table, ink, a pen, and paper. Start writing down every thing you know about dragons.

Tyrion: Why do I have to write it down? Can’t I just tell you all about it?

Griff: Well, what if something horrible happens to you on the way down to meet Dany?

Tyrion: Terrible like what?

Griff: I dunno. What if you get kidnapped by some slave trader who has been exiled from the Bear Islands in the north, and you’re mistaken for a jester because you’re dressed like a jester, and therefore you’re sold into slavery as a jester?

Tyrion: That seems highly unlikely.

Griff: It could happen.

Thus Tyrion goes down to write down everything he knows about dragons.

Later, he joins Haldon. Haldon is providing history lessons to Young Griff.

Haldon: And why did the American Civil War begin?

Young Griff: Because northern aggression and their refusal to recognize states’ rights?

Haldon hits Young Griff in the side of the head with a large history book until he’s bloody.

Haldon: NO! NO NO NO! You must have previously gone to school in Texas. It was slavery, Young Griff. SLAVERY.

Young Griff leaves.

Tyrion: Hrm. Just who is this Young Griff?

Haldon: Oh, nobody important. Just Griff’s son.

Tyrion: Really? Why does Griff’s son get special history lessons taught to him by a half-maester? Why does Griff’s son have a knight who is training him to be a skilled fighter? Why does Griff’s son have a personal Septa assigned just to him, so that he can learn the ways of the Seven Gods?

Haldon: Uhh… for reasons.

Tyrion: Is that so?

Haldon: Yes?

Tyrion notices that Haldon has a cyvasse board in front of him.

Tyrion: Maybe you and me should play some of this chess.

Haldon: It’s “cyvasse.”

Tyrion: Yeah, whatever you say. It’s chess. Really, I think the game it represents is the Game of Thrones, which I mean because you defend a king who—

--Alarms start flashing and horns sound. Chairry, Magic Screen, Pterri, Mr. Window, Clockey, Conky 2000 and all the others start shouting wildly and flailing their arms/wings/seat cushions/whatever they have around. The text "Game of Thrones" flashes again and again.

Haldon: Again, Tyrion?
 
Cowboy Curtis: He just said the Secret Word!

Pee-Wee: HEH-HEH!!

And as quickly as they all appeared, they all vanish right back into the waters of the Little Rhoyne.

Tyrion: Sorry I keep doing that. Anyway, I always like to gamble when I play chess. So maybe we should make a bet on this game.

Haldon: What do you even have to offer me?

Tyrion: Let’s play for secrets! You win, I tell you my secrets. I win, you tell me yours.

Haldon: Wait… are you secretly really good at this game and you’re trying to hustle me?

Tyrion: No, of course not.

They play cyvasse. Tyrion totally hustles him and wins.

Haldon: DAMNIT! I KNEW IT!

Tyrion: Well, Haldon Halfmaester. I guess you have to tell me important secrets now.

Haldon: *sigh* Okay, about what?

Tyrion: You know what. What I was asking about earlier. Who is Young Griff?

Haldon: Ah, well you see…

[Insert convienient time jump here, where we move the plot forward].

Tyrion: Wait… what just happened there?

Duck: Hi, you’re with me now. The plot jumped forward in time. It’s like one of those “Flash Forward” things on Arrow.

Tyrion: What the hell?! That completely skipped over Haldon telling me the secret.

Duck: It did. But plot-wise, now you know the secret. Only the audience doesn’t.

Tyrion: Well that’s a bit of a cheap narrative technique.

Duck: Correct.

Tyrion: Well, I better have a long, mopey, internal dialogue now, thinking about my first wife, Tysha and “wherever whores go.” Probably to Volantis, right? Maybe when I get to Volantis, I’ll find her there and can apologize to her for letting those soliders run a train on her and doing nothing. Maybe I can… OH HELL! WHAT IS THAT THERE?!

Tyrion sees the ruins of a majestic, ancient city. They sail right by it.

Duck: Oh, that’s Ny Sar. It once contained the palace of Princess Nymeria, but was destroyed by the Valyrian Freehold ages ago.

Tyrion: Holy crap! The city of Nymeria! Amazing. So many stories about it. I didn’t know what to believe. Like the stories about the Rhoyne River. They said it was huge. The largest in the world. But look at this tiny thing we’re on. Why I’ve peed a bigger flow than this.

Septa: Dude, this is just the Little Rhoyne. It hasn’t even met up with the other branches of the river yet. You’ll see soon.

Suddenly, a giant turtle emerges from the water. And I don’t mean “giant turtle” as in “a fairly large turtle like you’re probably thinking.” I mean GIANT. The turtle is basically the size of a house. The ship crashes into it. The house turtle gets slightly annoyed.

Yandry and/or Ysilla: AGHHH!!!! OH MY! THE OLD MAN OF THE RIVER! WE ARE BLESSED!

Tyrion: What the hell is going on here? The Old Man of the River? What?

Duck: Some turtle god that the people here worship. I dunno. Garin talked about it in an Arienne Martell chapter, but we left it out of the Jingle here because it seemed boring, stupid, and not worth mentioning. Because honestly, it is.

Tyrion: Well, I can see why a turtle god would want to show up. After all, he is in the presence of a KING!!!!!!

Everyone stares back blankly at Tyrion.

Tyrion: You know, because I know who Young Griff is now. He’s a king. Only we skipped forward past that part in the narrative, so that the readers still don’t know who.

Septa: Oh, you mean Rhaegar’s son, Aegon?

Tyrion: *sigh*

ADwD 13: Bran II

Coldhands hears something. He looks up.

Coldhands: SHIT! The Others are nearby!

Bran: What others?

Coldhands: No, dumbass. THE OTHERS. *sigh*

Bran:  Ah, I can see why the TV show just called them “White Walkers.”

Coldhands: Stop talking about the TV show, kid. 

Bran: Sorry. Anyway, how do you know the Others are coming?

Coldhands: My raven buddies told me.

The ravens coincidentally fly by at that very minute.

Ravens: CORN!

The ravens then fly up a nearby hill, towards a cave.

Coldhands: We’re not far from safety now, though. Look! Up on that hill. A cave! You’ll be safe in there because it’s warded so that dead things can’t enter it.

Meera: Well then, let’s get going and get there to safety!

They all start going up the hill. Except for Coldhands.

Meera: Dude, what the hell is wrong with you? Aren’t you coming with us?

Coldhands: *ahem* Let me repeat myself. “A cave! You’ll be safe in there because it’s warded so that dead things can’t enter it.”

Meera: Right. So come on up with us and—

Coldhands: —It’s warded so that dead things can’t enter it.

Meera: Oh, oh. Yeah. Right. Riiiiiight. Because you’re dead. I keep forgetting that.

Jojen: Well, like, dudes! Let’s get going! Like, totally, dudes! We need to get up there and…

Jojen then passes out.

Bran: OH NO! Jojen! I hope a skeleton wight guy doesn’t pop out of some icy lake to pull him in and kill him now!

…

…

They all wait for that to happen. But it doesn’t happen.

Bran: Hrm. It happens in the show.

Coldhands: Damnit, how many times do I have to tell you kids that this isn’t the show?! Now get on up!

Meera: Jojen! Jojen! What’s wrong?!

Jojen: Uhh… so… long… without—

Meera: —Food? Yes! That’s right! We ran out of food days ago. We ran out of all the elk meat that we ate. We even ran out of acorn paste and other disgusting crap. We’re totally starved! That must be why you’re so week.

Jojen: —n-n-no. I was going to say, “weed.” I ran out of weed five days ago. So. Weak. So. Weak.

Jojen passes out for good this time.

Meera: DAMNIT! Coldhands isn’t allowed to come up the hill because it’s warded against dead people. Bran can’t carry Jojen up because he’s a cripple. Hodor can’t carry Jojen up because he’s got to carry Bran. Summer can’t carry Jojen up because ghost probably thinks that Jojen is food right about now.

Summer: *howl* [Translation: This is true.]

Hodor: Ah yes, indeed my fine young female wayfaring companion. Indeed you are quite accurate in how you have defined this state of affairs. Although I am well known for two things – my strength and my loquacious vocabulary, I am afraid in this particular situation, neither of these character traits shall be particularly supportive. For indeed while I am strong, I am not robust enough to carry both Lords Brandon and Jojen up the hill.

Wights suddenly emerge and start grabbing Hodor.

Hodor: OH MY GOODNESS! For these undead creatures are attacking me and indeed it has given me such a fright!

He drops Bran from his basket.

Coldhands: Damn, you stupid idiots! Get going! HURRY UP! Get up that hill! I’ll stay here and fight these wights off!

Coldhands pulls off his sword and starts hacking the emerging wights left and right. Summer joins in and starts biting them too.

Meera: Come on! Let’s go!

She starts dragging her passed out brother up the steep hill.

Bran: Come on, Hodor! Come on!

Hodor: No! No! For I am quite frightened! These resurrected corpses of former humans are quite bloodcurdling! I am unable to contest these villains, climb the sheer knoll, nor do anything in my current state of dread.

Bran: *sigh* I guess I’ll have to take you over then.

Hodor: You’ll have to do what?

Bran wargs into Hodor’s body. With Bran in control, Hodor immediately starts running around and beating the crap out of wights. That is, until Hodor/Bran notices that all the wights around him are suddenly on fire.

Hodor/Bran: HUH?! What the heck is going on here? Oh wow! Is that some little girl with a torch? Where did she come from? She reminds be a bit of Arya, because she—

And suddenly an avalanche falls and buries Hodor. It knocks Bran out of Hodor’s body and into his own. But Bran is also covered in snow from the avalanche.

Bran: AGH!! Help! Help! I’m trapped in this snow! It’s so cold… so cold… so… so… very… c-c-c…uhh…

…

Bran wakes up, possibly hours later. He doesn’t know. He passed out. But now he’s inside of the cave!

Bran: OMG! Nice leap forward in the story by having me pass out. Now I have no idea how I even got in here or how we won. It’s just like when Tyrion got knocked out in that battle scene in the TV show so that we didn’t have to see it and thus saved the TV a ton of money by not having to show a battle.

Then Bran remembers that Coldhands hates it when he talks about the TV show.

Bran: Oh, I’m sorry, Coldhands. I didn’t mean to… oh… wait. There is no Coldhands. Coldhands is gone! He can’t enter the cave. So who IS here?

Meera: I’m here!

Hodor: Salutations! I am glad that you have awaken, young Lord Brandon. For I am also present.

Jojen: *weakly* Uhh… I’m here too… but… I… need… weed.

Summer: *woof* [Translation: I’m here].

Child of the Forest: I’m here too.

Bran: AGHHHHH!!!!! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!

Child of the Forest: Oh, hi. Sorry. We haven’t had a chance to be introduced yet. That’s what happens when you pass out.

Bran: OH WOW! It’s a Child of the Forest! Just like Old Nan used to tell me stories about! I can’t believe you’re real!

Child of the Forest: CHILD?! CHILD?! Oh come on, I’m a grown-ass woman. Don’t call me “child.” I just happen to be a lot shorter and smaller. In our language, we are known as “Those Who Sing the Song of Earth.”

Bran: De som sjunger jordens sang?

Child of the Forest: Huh? No. We speak the True Tongue. Not Swedish.

Bran: Oh. Well, you seem to speak pretty good Common Tongue too.

Child of the Forest: Well, I had time to learn your stupid language since I’ve walked the world of men for two hundred years.

Bran: 200 years? Damn girl, you’re looking pretty good for 200 years old.

Child of the Forest: Thanks. You can call me “Leaf.”

Jojen: Whoaaaaa… you mean… like… the sweet leaf? Let me smoke you!

Leaf: What?

Meera: Sorry, my brother is delusional and appears to think that you’re made out of marijuana. He’s pretty much going to spend all the rest of his time with you trying to figure out ways to roll you up and smoke you.

Leaf: Is he now?

Meera: Probaly.

Leaf: We’ll see about that. He can’t roll me up and smoke me if I turn him into Jojen Paste.

Jojen: Say what now?

Leaf: Mwahahaa. Nothing. Don’t worry about it. Don’t worry about it at all.

Bran: Well that hyperlink seems like it’s just an unconfirmed fan theory, I wouldn’t worry that much about it, Jojen. Other than, you know, the fact that this is about the point where the TV show killed you anyway, meaning that when GRRM discussed the future stories with the GoT showrunners, he probably told them that your character wasn’t necessary after this point. So now that I think about it, maybe you are a goner.

Jojen: Whoa. Totally lame-o, guys. What a bummer. One last toke before I’m gone?

Jojen tries to rip a piece of Leaf off and smoke it.

Leaf: I AM NOT MADE OUT OF WEED! Now come on, let’s get going, Bran.

Bran: To where?

Leaf: To where? Really? Are you really asking that? To see the Greenseer. The Three-Eyed Crow!

Bran: Oh yeah. Right. That is why I came here! Well, I better get going.

Bran tries to get up and walk.

Bran: Oh wait, I forgot I can’t do that. HODOR!!!!

And so Hodor picks Bran up and follows Leaf through some winding, dark caves.

Bran: AGH! CAVE SNAKES!!!

Leaf: Those are tree roots, dumbass.

Bran: Ah, I see that now. So many of them, though. Hey... are those weirwood tree roots?

Leaf: Yeup.

Bran: SO MANY OF THEM! There must be, like, an entire grove above us.

Leaf: Indeed. I mean you’re off to meet the magic prophet of the old gods who communicates through wierwood trees. Therefore it would be quite logical that there are a bunch of weirwood trees on top of his cave, right?

Bran: I suppose.

Finally, they get to this beautiful, wide-open cavern with a river in it and a throne made from a weirwood.

Bran: OH SHIT! It’s the Three-Eyed Crow!

Three-Eyed Crow: Yep. It’s me! Hahaha! You finally found me. Good work. Well, that certainly took a long time.

Bran: So tell me… are you, like, some ancient and mystical force that has existed for centuries?

Three-Eyed Crow: Maybe. Or maybe I’m just Ser Brynden Rivers, called "Lord Bloodraven", the bastard son of King Aegon IV Targaryen by his sixth mistress, Melissa Blackwood.

Bran: Well that later explanation would make sense since Tyrion Lannister just want on a long rant about the history of Aegon IV’s illegitimate children and the Dance of the Dragons Targaryen Civil War.

Three-Eyed Crow: True. None of this backstory stuff which gets casually dropped is filler. It all means something. Probably.

Bran: Well, since you’re a Greenseer you probably know why I’m here. Why I’ve come all this long way.

Three-Eyed Crow: Yes. You’ve come here so that I can magically heal you, and so that you can walk again.

Bran: YEP!

Three-Eyed Crow: Well, I can’t do that.

Bran: WHAT?! But that’s why I came here!

Three-Eyed Crow: I know. But I can’t do that. I’m a Greenseer, not a freaking neurosurgeon who can repair your spinal cord damage. Look at me. I’m a decaying, 100+ year old man with pale white skin that’s being partially surrounded by a weirwood tree. Do I look like I’m capable of performing spondylodesis fusion of vertebrae?

Bran: I… uh… I guess I just thought that…

Three-Eyed Crow: I mean what part of “magical person who can see the past, present and future” did you also interpret to include “and can heal broken spines?”

Bran: … So… you’re saying I’m never going to be able to walk?

Three-Eyed Crow: No. But you will FLY!

Bran: Seems like a really cool cliffhanger line to end a season on!

Three-Eyed Crow: I bet it would be.

Bran: But when we come back in two seasons, you will be totally different and played by Max von Sydow.

Three-Eyed Crow: Huh?

Bran: What?

Three-Eyed Crow: Corn.

ADwD 12: Reek I (The Artist Formerly Known as Theon)

In the dungeons of the Dreadfort, an unknown, "MYSTERY" prisoner has killed and is eating a rat. He’s not supposed to be eating rats though. Even if the rats are trying to eat him. Eating rats is nourishment, and he shouldn’t be nourishing himself, or he’ll be punished. Because he’s been a bad, bad, boy.

Mystery Man: OH NO! I must eat this rat quickly, because if I’m caught, the master will be so angry with me! He might cut off more of my fingers!

A door opens. He hears footsteps coming.

Mystery Man: AGHH!!!!!! OH NO! OH NO! I’ll be in so much trouble! I must eat this rat that I murdered quickly.

But he can’t do it quick enough. The footsteps get closer, and closer. It’s actually two sets of footsteps.

Little Walder: GROSS! Is that dude eating a rat?

Big Walder: Yeah, I think he is. That’s disgusting, dude. You’re sick.

Mystery Man: *cleans rat blood off of his face*

Little Walder: Hey, do you even know who you are?

Big Walder: Yeah, because asking you if you remember your identity is a good narrative technique to reveal who you are to the reader, slowly.

Mystery Man: I am Reek.

Little Walder: Is that similar to “I am Groot” or something like that?

Reek: …No?

Big Walder: Oh, come on. You know that’s not your ORIGINAL name though.

Reek: Uhh… I… don’t know… what to…

Little Walder: Oh hell, why are we even pretending this is a secret? The title of this chapter above literally said “The Artist Formerly Known as Theon.” Maybe in the original book-reading this would have been a secret to a few people, but that just gave it all away.

Reek: Fair enough. Maybe I should try to overpower you and kill you before you can report my rat consumption to Ramsay Bolton. Yes! That’s a good idea. He’ll punish me so hard for eating a rat. He’ll probably pull the skin off of my fingers and toes, shred by shred. It will be a mercy when he finally cuts it off. Right. That’s it. I’ll kill you and run away.

Big Walder: You probably shouldn’t be saying that aloud.

Reek: Oh right, sorry. I’ve spent so much time alone here, by myself, that I’ve sort of forgotten the difference between internal and external dialogues. Besides, it would be hard to take you down anyway since you’re so big.

Big Walder: No, I’m actually the small one.

Little Walder: Right, and I’m the big one.

Reek: That is such a stupid plot point that nobody cares about.

Big Walder: Yeah, it sort of is.

Reek: Plus if I kill you and run away, it would probably be a trap. Just like that time I escaped before, only for it to be revealed that Ramsay WANTED ME TO ESCAPE, so he could hunt me down and track me. I never really escaped at all.

Little Walder: Ugh. He “wanted you to escape?” That’s pretty lame. But at least it’s not as lame as the over-used plot device of “he wanted to get caught.”

Reek: Oh yeah, that is the absolute worst and laziest writing.

Batman: The Joker… WANTED TO GET CAPTURED!!!!

James Bond: Silva… WANTED TO GET CAPTURED!!!

James Kirk: Khan… WANTED TO GET CAPTURED!!!

Batman (again): Bane… WANTED TO GET CAPTURED!!!

Iron Man: Loki… WANTED TO GET CAPTURED!!!

Big Walder: Okay, that’s enough of that. I think we got the point.

Little Walder: Anyway, come on, Reek. We’re taking you out of the dungeon.

Reek: WHAT?! NO! Is master Ramsay going to punish me?! NOOOO!!!!

Big Walder: Dude, who the hell knows? Just come with us.

And so they lead Reek out of the dungeon and out into the Great Hall of the Dreadfort, where the lords see him while they eat dinner.

Arnolf Karstark: OH HELL!! Who is that stinky, dead-looking mess?

Hother “Whoresbane” Umber: Yeah, it’s like a rotting corpse. My appetite is ruined. Why did they have to bring him out in a dinner scene?

Ramsay Snow: Oh, come now. Don’t you recognize him? It’s Reek! I’ve had him as a pet since I was a boy.

Karskark: Dude, gross. But wait, I thought I had heard that that Reek dude was murdered. Because there used to be this rumor going around the North that YOU were murdered, Ramsay. But really, you switched places with Reek and it was Reek killed instead. But if Reek is alive too… then was Reek switched out with someone also? And if so… then who was really murdered?

Ramsay: Reek.

Karkstark: I’m so confused.

Whoresbane: OH SHIT! NO! I recognize him now. He’s thinner, frailer, and with white hair now… but I recognize him. I can never forget that douche, shit-eating grin of his, even if he’s not smiling now. That’s no Reek, Karstark. That’s THEON GREYJOY.

Ramsay: Yeah, he can’t really smile now on account of me busting all his teeth out with a lead pipe.

Karstark: Hrm… no way. That’s not The—OHHH! Yeah. I see it now. Holy crap! It is. Then why were you saying that he’s been your pet since he was a child? That’s clearly not true because Theon was raised by Eddard Stark.

Ramsay: Ah, well. Theon was raised by Stark, and Reek was raised by me. The original Reek, that is. But I had him switch places with me and get killed. But I missed him so much after he was dead, that I decided to turn Theon into the new Reek.

Karstark: Then why did you claim this Reek was the one you raised? This is clearly Reek 2.0.

Ramsay: I don’t know, sometimes I just lie, man. Deal with it.

Karstark: *shrugs* Okay.

Reek: Y-yes, my lord Ramsay. I am your Reek. Whatever you say. I obey you.

Ramsay: Dude, what is that blood on your face? Were you going down on a girl at the wrong time of the month?

Little Walder: We caught that sick loser eating a rat! HAHAHA!

Reek: Stitches to snitches, you fat little Frey bitch. I mean… uhh… NO! NO! MY LORD RAMSAY! I’m SORRY! I was so… so… hungry! Please do not beat me and cut another finger or toe off!

Ramsay: Oh, Reek, you charmer, you! How could I ever hurt you?

Whoresbane: Well, easily, it looks like. On account of how he is already—

Ramsay: —Shh! Come with me, Reek. I have work for you. You need to help me fetch my new virgin bride, Arya Stark!

DUNN DUNN DUNNN!!!!!!!

Except it’s not that really dramatic, because we know Arya is totally elsewhere.

ADwD 11: Daenerys II (Part 2)

That last chapter was super long. So we cut it in half. We now join our previous broadcast, now in session. Dany just had a visit from Quaithe while she was bathing. Yet Quaithe vanishes, just as Missandei walks in.

Missandei: —Who the hell are you talking to?

Dany: Oh, hi Missandei! Check it out! It’s my friend Quaithe from Qarth. She randomly showed up here using her magic powers. Quaithe, say hi to… uhh…

Dany looks. Quaithe is gone.

Dany: I SWEAR! She was here a minute ago.

Missandei: Uh huuuuuuh.

Dany: I’M NOT CRAZY! SHE WAS HERE!

Later, (or maybe the next day? Who cares?) Dany is dressed and goes out to meet her audience for the day. One of the first people she sees is Reznak. If you're following at home, Quaithe just told Dany to "beware the perfumed seneschal."

Dany: I’m watching you, buddy!!! Yeah. I see you there, perfumed seneschal!!!

Reznak: What the hell did I do?

He smells himself. 

Reznak: Hrm. Maybe I am laying it on a bit heavy with the Axe Body Spray. But I gotta get the chicks, man!

That doesn't work, by the way.

Dany: What’s the first order of business for the day?

Reznak: These stonecutters are angry that their former slaves have opened a new stonecutter shop that is a competitor to them. They say it’s driving down the prices of their good, artisanal work.

Dany: Hehehe, you said “art is anal.” Please tell the stonecutters to construct themselves large granite dildos to sit on. BECAUSE I DO NOT CARE. NEXT!

Reznak: Next is… well… Hizdahr zo Loraq.

Hizdahr zo Loraq comes forward.

Dany: NO! NO! NO! NO! Oh GOD! You’re here to tell me to open the fighting pits again, right?

Hizdahr: Indeed I am!

Dany: No. NEXT!

The Showtime at the Apollo people show up to sweep Hizdahr off the stage. 

Hizdahr: Wait! Wait! I didn’t come alone. Look! I’ve brought people with me. Former slaves! Also, a representative from the 2019 U.S. Republican Party.

Dany: Okay, former slaves. Of course I’ll listen to you.

Goghor the Giant: Hello there! I’m Goghor the Giant! I’m a former slave gladiator from the fighting pits! I was a great champion. Everybody loved me. I made tons of cash and got lots of sweet poon, if you know what I mean.

Dany: *sigh* Unfortunately, I do. Go on, but be quick. Like you likely were inside the poon. HAHAHA!

Dany raises her hand up, and Grey Worm unexcitedly high fives it.

Goghor: You say I am a free man now. But I am not free to fight! That’s all I want to do.

Dany: Uhh… but it’s a fight TO THE DEATH. You will die if you lose.

Goghor: Better to die and be remembered. The greatest brave fighters who win many matches before they die in the pits have their name chiseled in stone for all eternity. People a thousand years from now will read their names and remember them. They were heroes! But what of a common free man who lives a common life with a wife and has a child. His children will remember his name. And then his children’s children. But after that? Probably not. And a generation after that? Definitely not. Those people will be lost in time. Like tears… in… rain.

Dany: OOOH! BLADE RUNNER! I LOVE THAT! Do the C-Beams part! Do the C-Beams part!

Goghor: I’m just saying… we’re all ephemeral. We exist for such a small time in this world. Nobody lives forever. The best we can hope for is to be remembered after we are gone. When I was a slave, I could fight in the pits and had the chance to be remembered forever. Now that I am a free man… that is gone. I will never die gloriously in gladiatorial combat and have my name chiseled in stone.

Republican: And therefore things were much better for slaves under slavery than freedom! Ta-da! This is basically the platform of our party in 2019, although ironically we were initially started as an antislavery party.

Drogon flies in, sets him on fire, and eats him.

Dany: Wow, this is some really messed-up, slavery-can-be-good stuff I’m hearing here.

Hizdahr: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Republican dude said that, not me. I’m not saying bring slavery back. I’m just saying bring the fighting pits back. And let FREE MEN choose to fight in the pits, if they wish. Look, it's messed up that slavery begun in the first place and that this Goghor guy doesn't know anything other than what he was taught to know as a slave. To fight. But we can't change the past. Goghor is free now, and he wishes to fight. Other free men do too. Let men like Goghor choose to fight if they wants to. For profit!

Dany: Hrmm.

Hizdahr: Profit for him? No bae! Profit FOR YOU! We can tax the hell out of it. Think about it. The winners get half of the profits from the fights… but who gets the rest of the money? You do, Dany! The state! You’re running the games and can collect tons of cash. All the entry tickets. All the concessions. We could probably even get some artisanal wine sellers from some far off land like Dorne to sell their wine at the stadium. We could charge four times as much for that fancy “exotic” wine than we do for the normal wine that comes from around here. You know all the rich masters from the pyramids will HAVE to be seen drinking that expensive  Dornish wine. And so will all the trendy hipsters. For a while, at least. Until they think it’s “too cool” to drink the expensive craft wine and go back to drinking the crap wine because it’s “not cool.”  And the markup profits from all that wine? THEY GO RIGHT TO US! We can pay for armies, weapons, supplies… we can pay to rebuild this city.

Dany: Hehe. You said “art is anal.”

Hizdahr: ..

Dany: Also… do you know just how unlikely it is that a bunch of wine-sellers from Dorne would ever show up here to make such a deal with us? I say NIGH IMPOSSIBLE.

Hizdahr: I mean… maybe… like… slightly impossible. It could happen.

Dany: Okay. SHUT UP. I’ll consider it. No promises. I’m done for the day.

She leaves, heading back to her bedroom.  There, Barristan is waiting for her.

Dany: Hrm. Not creepy at all. Anyway, Barristan. Tell me the story about how you joined me.

Barristan: Oh right. Because there is a period of time in-between me storming outafter Joffrey dismissed me, and when I showed up to join you under the secret identity of “Not Barristan.” Do you really think the readers care about that time in-between?

Dany: Eh, good point. Not really. Let’s skip it.

Barristan: Although I guess one point that comes up in the story is that I had to hide in Kings Landing for a bit, disguised as a regular old peasant guy. I even saw Ned Stark beheaded. And telling that story to you gets you all riled up about how Ned Stark was a traitor who should have been beheaded.

Dany: HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN! He supported the usurper! Yes I’m glad he’s dead and I hope he burns in hell.

Barristan: It’s not that simple. Stark was the only voice that spoke against killing you in the small council meetings. He thought killing a pregnant girl was outrageous. The Starks had nothing to do with the murder of your niece and nephew, Rhaenys and Aegon either. That was all the Lannisters.

Dany: All the lapdogs of the usurper are guilty. KILL THEM ALL!

Barristan: Mmmm, okay. Well, I hope you don’t go insane and start burning everyone like your father.

Dany: What was that?

Barristan: Nothing.

Dany: *sigh* Burning? Now you just made me think of that farmer’s kid who Drogon burnt to death. Which also makes me recall that, in-between that last chapter and this one - I ordered all of my dragons to be chained up and locked in the old dungeons under this pyramid. Of course, they never caught Drogon. Hence why he was able to randomly and conveniently swoop in and kill people for comic purposes earlier in this chapter.

Barristan: Wait. That locking up the dragons stuff all happened in-between chapters in the books? It wasn’t even featured in the main story?

Dany: Nope. It’s really odd what major events the book just lazily has occur between chapters, rather than describing or having as part of the narrative.  Anyway, what kind of mother lets her children be locked up in chains to rot in the darkness?

Barristan: Uhh… the type of mother who doesn’t want her citizens being burned alive and eaten by dragons?

Dany: Mother of Dragons? More like Mother of Monsters! And if they are monsters… then maybe I have to be a monster too!

Barristan: Or… you know... not?

ADwD 11: Daenerys II (Part 1)

*knock*knock*knock*knock*

Dany snaps out of her dream. It was more of a nightmare though. She dreamed that Daario had been killed.

Dany: What is it?

Irri: Hello Khaleesi. I have good news and bad news for you. It is known.

Dany: Oh. Really? That sucks. So give me the bad news first.

Irri: Nine more of the Unsullied have been murdered by the Sons of the Harpy in the streets overnight. Apparently putting up your signs around the city saying “pretty please, do not murder the Unsullied” has not been effective as you thought it might have been.

Dany: DAMNIT!!! Okay, well, that sucks. Well, at least I’m ready for the good news now.

Irri: Oh, sorry. Did I say that there was good news? I just meant that there is bad news. It is also known.

Dany: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

She wakes up and goes to see what’s happened and who has been killed. She soon finds Missandei crying.

Dany: Missandei, what’s wrong?

Missandei: My brother, Mossador… he… he was one of the men killed!

Dany: Oh crap. GREY WORM! What’s going on here?

Grey Worm: Mossador was poisoned. We were not able to catch any of the men responsible. We did arrest the wineseller though. He claims to have no knowledge of any plot.

Dany: GRRR!! Shavepate!

Skahaz mo Kandaq: Yes, Dany?

Dany: Make sure that you question this wineseller. And his family. SHARPLY.

The Shavepate pulls out a blade.

Skahaz: Oh yeah. Sharply indeed.

He begins to run for the door to get his torture on. He tries to conceal his raging erection.

Dany: Wait! Stop! I’m not done yet. I also want you to pull the Unsullied from patrolling the streets. From now on, only a force of freemen from Meereen will patrol the streets. Of course, we don’t have the money to fund this force yet. OR DO WE? Order a new blood tax on all of the great houses of Meereen who live in the pyramids. They shall pay for the murders they have committed. Literally pay. With a tax to pay for the new police force I’m setting up. Also, every pyramid of the rich families must surrender to me two of their children, so I can keep them as hostages to ensure their loyalty.

Skahaz: Oh, please Dany. Stop it! Stop it! I can only be so turned on.

The Shavepate turns again to run out of the room. This is his kind of ruthless rule!

Dany goes over to Missandei.

Dany: There, there, sweet girl. I promise I will avenge your brother’s death. If you need to get as far away from Meereen as possible, I understand. I can send you back to the Summer Isles, if you wish.

Missandei: Oh yeah, send me back to the Summer Isles where the slave traders still frequently raid so that I can be kidnapped into slavery AGAIN. Great idea.

Dany: Oh. Uh. Okay. So I guess you want to stay with me?

Missandei: Ding ding ding! Yep.

Dany: Shees, that’s pretty cutting sarcasm. But your brother just died. So I’ll let it go.

Dany needs a breath of fresh air. So she heads out onto her balcony to breath heavily and fret.

Dany: Okay, that’s enough fretting. I need a bath now. Yep, that’s right. Another Dany bath scene! YES INDEED! Ned Stark probably had to bathe a lot, and yet GRRM never felt it necessary to extensively write about that. You just have to assume that every few days or when Ned got dirty, he took a bath. When he beheaded that dude in Chapter 1? He probably took a bath after it to clean any blood off. Was it mentioned? No. Me, however, I can’t go two chapters without getting totally nude and soapy.

She strips down, throws in the Mr. Bubble, and fetches her rubber ducky. Splash splash.

Dany: And as you fantasize about me bathing in soapy water, remember that it is presently the year 300 AC. I was born in 284 AC. Which means I am, at maximum, still only 16 years old. Potentially only 15.

R. Kelly: Hey Dany! I just wanted to—

Drogon suddenly swoops down, burns and eats R. Kelly.

Dany: That was unexpected.

Quaithe: Not as unexpected… AS ME!!!!!

Dany: OH CRAP! QUAITHE! The mysterious, masked woman from Qarth.

Quaithe: Do you remember all the prophecies I told you back in the day in Astapor?

Dany: Yeah. Sort of. To go up you must go down. To go east you must go west. You’ve got to spend money to make money. To succeed, you have to fail first. The more you learn, the more you realize how little you know. The only rule is that there are no rules. Having more choices means that you are less satisfied with the choice you make. To be the man, you've got to beat the man. Woo. Blah blah, something something.

Quaithe: Yes. Pretty much that. Anyway, I’ve got some more deep, prophetic statements to drop on you.

Dany: Really? Now? While I’m bathing?

Quaithe: Yeah, sorry. Look. Magically teleporting and providing vague prophecies is fairly messy business. I can’t always promise to arrive at the best time. It’s sort of like Quantum Leap when Sam never knows exactly where he’s going to leap next or into who.

Dany: Okay, drop some knowledge on me, sister.

Quaithe: Hear me, Daenerys Targaryen. The glass candles are burning.

Dany: That one is the easy, starter prophecy. The readers already know about it. A Feast for Crows extensively talked about “glass” candles… i.e black glass… i.e. obsidian candles burning, and the fact that it represents a return of magic to the world. The birth of my dragons started off that return of magic. Or maybe it was the red comet. Anyway, those two events were simultaneous, so po-tay-to po-tah-to. Sam’s last POV chapter showed that Archmaester Marwyn had gotten the obsidian candle burning again. NEXT!

Quaithe: Soon comes the pale mare, and after her the others.

Dany: Hrmmm. Trickier. Pale mare. Like a white horse? Pretty biblical, but then again Christianity doesn’t exist in this universe so I wouldn’t know that. I’m going to assume that by “pale mare” you’re referring to the “bloody flux” that will be appearing in my upcoming POV chapters, i.e. dysentery. Like in The Oregon Trail. It's called that here in Essos.

Quaithe: Oh. We’re still talking about The Oregon Trail even though all of those “crossing the river” chapters with lame fording and caulking jokes are long gone?

Dany: I guess. But back to your vague prophecies. Do you have any more context about who “the others” are? Are you referring to “the Others” above the wall, or you mean other people?

Quaithe: Other people. Kraken and dark flame! Lion and griffin! The sun’s son and the mummer’s dragon!

Dany: Wow, that’s a lot. Okay. One-by-one then. Let's see...

• Kraken - This is Victarion Greyjoy. In the last book he was sent by his brother to bring me back as a bride to him, but Victarion plans to woo me for himself. So readers already know that he’s on his way.
• Dark Flame – This term is used to describe Moqorro. He’ll show up later in this book. He’s a red priest in service to the faith of R'hllor. Specifically, he’s nicknamed the “Black Flame,” which is kinda racist because he’s dark-skinned.
• Lion – Tyrion Lannister. Easiest one of the bunch.
• Griffin – He’s bunched together with the lion, and soon we’ll learn that Griff is Jon Connington, the former Hand of the King who everyone thinks is dead. The symbol of the house Connington is a Griffin.
• The Sun’s Son – Quentyn Martell. The logo of House Martell of Dorne is a sun.  Quentyn is the son of the Prince of Dorne, Doran. Quentyn is another no-brainer like Tyrion.
• The Mummer’s Dragon – Young Griff / Aegon / Faegon. The “Mummer’s Dragon” works on two levels.  First of all, a mummer is an actor. Actors pretend.  This implies that this dragon is actually only a pretend dragon. Therefore, when Tyrion eventually reveals that Young Griff is Aegon Targaryen… we aren’t necessarily supposed to put this at face value because everyone might just be pretending that he’s Aegon.  Of course, Varys appears to be the mastermind behind this whole Fake Aegon plot thing. Varys is frequently referred to as a “Mummer,” thus the second level that this name works on is the fact that Young Griff / Aegon is “Varys’s Dragon.” It’s a pretty cryptic name, all things considered. Probably the best vague prophecy of the bunch.

Quaithe: Wow, you’re pretty good at this. *ahem* Trust none of them!

Dany: Oh, believe me… I will not.

Quaithe: Remember the Undying!

Dany: The House of the Undying, where a number of previous prophecies were provided to me.

Quaithe: Beware the perfumed seneschal!

Dany: My seneschal, Reznak, has already been described as wearing a heavy amount of perfume. But that’s almost TOO easy, so I’d propose the alternative candidates as well:

• The Selaesori Qhoran – The most likely answer. This is the trading cog that later in this book will bring Tyrion Lannister, Jorah Mormont and the “Black Flame” Moqorro here. Supposedly the name of this cog translates to “Fragrant Steward,” the word “steward” of course being an approximate synonym of seneschal.
• Archmaester Marwyn “the Mage” – the Mage of the Citadel, featured at the end of the last book, who is coming here to find me aboard the ship Cinnamon Wind. There was extensive and otherwise (apparently) unnecessary discussion in that Sam POV chapter about how seneschals in the Citadel are chosen randomly every year. Why else mention that fact if it had no plot purposes? Although it was never explicitly said that Marwyn had served as a seneschal before, it’s quite possible that he did. All his “mage” stuff also involves him having all those scented incense sticks and stuff. Or maybe he just has those because he smokes weed.
• Archmaester Theobald – A subset of the above theory. It was mentioned that he was the upcoming seneschal of the Old Town Maesters. Thus far we have no information about his scent, but whatever. It’s a possibility, and he’s the next most likely character after Reznak who is specifically be called “seneschal.”
• Varys – He has also been described as heavily perfumed and his duties in Westeros were not that different from what could be called the duties of a "seneschal."
• Garth Tyrell – Okay, this one is a long shot. But I figured I’d include it. He’s the Lord Seneschal of Highgarden. That has almost nothing to do with anything going on here in Essos. Unlike Reznak, he’s not presently in the city with me. Unlike the Selaesori Qhoran or Marwyn the Mage… he’s not coming my way at all. He’s just sitting around in Highgarden. However, he is, for some reason, explicitly described as being flatulent and farting all the time, which makes him “perfumed” in a manner of speaking. If you define “perfumed” as “having a notable smell.”

Quaithe: Hahaha, got you there, Dany! Six different candidates! You don’t know who!

Dany: Yeah, well, GRRM specifically wrote it that way with a bunch of fake-out candidates so readers couldn’t instantly figure it out. So that’s not really fair, is it?

Quaithe: Do not forget my words, Dany! Remember who you are! Remember the Undying!

Dany: Yes, yes, yes. We went through this already, Quaithe. The House of the Undying prophecies. I already told you. Child of three, they called me. Three mounts they promised me, three fires, and three treasons. One for blood and one for gold and one for—

Missandei: —Who the hell are you talking to?

Dany: Oh, hi Missandei! Check it out! It’s my friend Quaithe from Qarth. She randomly showed up here using her magic powers. Quaithe, say hi to… uhh…

Dany looks. Quaithe is gone.

Dany: I SWEAR! She was here a minute ago.

Missandei: Uh huuuuuuh.

Dany: I’M NOT CRAZY! SHE WAS HERE!

To be continued.

ADwD 10: Jon III

Mance Rayder is brought out to the courtyard.

Jon: Oh, hi Mance! How’s it going?

Where he is brought before a giant pyre with a cage constructed hanging above it.

Jon: Oh, oh. Right. So not good then?

Melisandre smiles at the pyre. Because of course she does.

Jon: Ugh, I tried to convince Stannis that burning Mance would be no good. Mance is no more a “king” than Dr. Dre is a medical doctor. He’s more good to us alive than he is dead. But Stannis won’t listen.

Mance sees the cage, and immediately begins begging for mercy.

Mance: OH PLEASE! NO! MERCY! MERCY! MY RATTLING SUIT OF BONES SIMPLY CAN’T HANDLE THIS!

Jon: Hrm, odd that Mance would talk about a rattling suit of bones. But whatever.

Mance: PLEASE! NO! I’M NOT THE KING! I’M NOT EVEN MANCE! I’M--*mmpghh*

Stannis’s men stick a sock in his mouth so he can’t talk any more. He’s placed in the cage.

Mel steps up.

Melisandre: Wildlings… now here this! The Lord of Light represents life and light, while your old gods represents nothing but death and darkness. Now, here, as an example of how much my god represents life, I will commit murder in his name.

Wildlings: Seems logical.

Then she pulls out a horn.

Mel: Oh yeah… and this this? What is this? The Horn of Joramun!!!!! Was this supposed to bring down the Wall? Well check this out.

She stares at the horn and it magically sets itself on fire. She then throws the burning horn onto the pyre. It lights up quickly and begins spreading.

Mance: *muffled screams of terror*

Jon looks around and sees the faces of the Wildlings as they watch their king burn. Many look away, daring not to watch. He notices that Val the supposes Wildling “princess” stares, stoically. Like she don’t even give a single fuck.

Mance is able to spit the rag out and screams louder.

Mance: AGHHH!!!! AGHHHHHH!!!! AGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jon: Oh man, this is horrible. I can’t bare to watch him slowly die like that in pain. MEN!!! Please just shoot him.

He nods to his archers. They send some arrows into the flames. Mance is killed so shut him up. He then burns.

But a new fire lights. A fire of anger that he sees in Stannis’s eyes.

Mel: Your false king is dead! Now you must embrace the new King… STANNIS! For he is Azor Ahai, REBORN! He has Lightbringer. BEHOLD!

Stannis pulls out his shiny sword and it shines.

Wildlings: Ooooohhhh!!! Ahhhhhh!!!!

Stannis: Kneel to me and live. I will feed you and clothes you. You will serve me. If that is not to your liking, you can also choose to not kneel. I will let you go back into the forests to die in the cold. Your choice. No pressure or anything.

Most decide to kneel, and one-by-one join Stannis. They are led away to get clothes and good. Some turn away and head back into the northern woods.

Jon: Ugh. I told Stannis not to make them kneel. Another thing he didn’t listen to. The Wildlings choose their own kings. The whole “kneeling” thing isn’t what they go for. That’s probably the most disrespectful thing that Stannis could possibly ever do to these guys.

Stannis: Hrm. Looks like this burning pyre here is running pretty low. Better feed the fire with some more wood.

Stannis’s men chop down the nearby weirwood trees and throw them into the fire to burn. You know, the same weirwood trees that northerners, including Wildlings, worship as a connection to their old gods.

Jon: I stand corrected. THAT is the most disrespectful thing that Stannis could possibly do.  And it’s not like enough Wildings joined our side to make a difference. If the Wildling army chooses to attack again, we’re probably still screwed.

After the ceremony, Bowen Marsh comes up to Jon.

Jon: Oh shit! Bowen Marsh the Lord Steward! You’re still alive? I just figured you were one of the many, many supporting characters that died on the Wall when the Wildlings attacked.

Bowen Marsh: No, you’re probably thinking of Donal Noye or something.

Jon: Yes. Probably. What’s up?

Bowen: These Wildlings… sure, they’ve bent the knee now. But will they be loyal?

Jon: Some will. Some won’t. But we have a common enemy now. The Others and their armies of the dead. We’ve got to work together or we all die.

Bowen: I say we seal the gate that leads north so that nobody can get through again.  The Wildlings who made their choice to stay on the other side have made their choice. Let them die.

Jon: If we seal the gates, then we can’t send out Rangers. If we can’t send out Rangers, then we’ll be blind.

Bowen: What good has sending out Rangers done for us? Lord Commander Mormont sent out that huge ranging party, and the result of it is that a quarter of our men are now dead.

Jon: Yeah, I remember. I was part of that party. Well… I guess that sucked, right?  It doesn’t matter anyway. Stannis is here and Stannis would never allow the gate to be closed off.

Bowen: Do you always do as Stannis bids?

Jon: What is that supposed to mean?

Bowen: I’m just sayin. A lot of guys say that you’re getting pretty buddy-buddy with Stannis.

Jon: Pffft. That’s crazy talk. That dude has threatened to kill me 12 times already. Did you see that face that he gave me when I had those arrows put through Mance?  I want Stannis gone as much as the next person, but he’s here now and he’s welcome to guest rights. Plus he saved our entire forces when the Wildlings were attacking us. We owe our lives to him, and we can let him stay for a tiny bit more if he wishes to.

Bowen: He’s another rebel king, doomed to failure. If the Iron Thrones thinks that we’ve been supporting him…

Jon: We’re not supporting him. I sent a message to Tommen that says as much. Although I’m not as certain of Stannis’s inevitable defeat as you seem to be.

Bowen: Do the people of Westeros love Tommen? I don’t know. But I can surely tell you who they do not love. Stannis and his red shadow, who burns their gods.

Jon: True dat.

Jon sighs. He misses Aemon and Sam. He goes to eat and finds his buddies there, including Pyp, Grenn, etc.

Pyp: Hahaha, that fucking Melisandre, right? Check this out!

He grabs a red table cloth and puts two grapefruits down his shirt.

Pyp: Look at me! Look at me! I’m the red witch! I am extremely physically attractive! I'm the partner of Guy Pearce! I like burning people!

Jon: WHOA, Pyp! Settle down there. Stannis’s men have eyes and ears everywhere. Don’t mock her.

Grenn: Oh, come on, Jon. Don’t be such a tight-ass. Sit down and eat with us.

Jon: No. As Lord Commander, I can’t show favoritism to anyone. I am no longer your friend. I am your Commander.

Pyp: Jeez, who made you such a sour asshole?

Jon: You did, when you got me elected.

Ghost shows up. YAAAAY! Ghost!

Jon: Come on boy, let’s leave.

Ghost: *woof* [Translate: What? I just got here. Damnit.] 

And so they leave, without eating. Well, without Jon eating. Jon is hungry. Ghost is not.

Jon can taste blood in his mouth from the animal that Ghost killed earlier. Yeah, he’s a super warg. He’s not even trying and he’s still warging. It sort of pisses him off. He tells himself he's a man. Not an animal.

Jon returns to his chambers, where he sees Clydas.

Clydas: YEEEE-HAW! THEM DUKE BOYS SURE DID PULL A BIG ONE, HUH BOSS HOGG? I just saw them jump their orange horse across the canal!

Jon: Oh crap. Clydas? CLYDAS? Man, I forgot all about you. I mean I knew we took the effort to kill off Chett. I forgot that you stayed behind here to take care of the ravens and stuff.

Clydas: Well don’t worry too much about me, Boss Hogg! I’m just here so you has someone to talk to. I’ll just be petting this raven here, which I named Ol’ Velvet Ears, while you deliver exposition to me.

Jon: Okay. But please stop calling me “Boss Hogg.” Also... do ravens even have ears?

Clydas: You rootin-tootin' bet they do, Boss H--err... Lord Commander.  They're just hidden under feathers called auriculars, which went done and covered them ear openings to protect them little bird ears from wind noise. YEEEE-HAWWW!

Jon: Okay, shut up. Now comes the exposition. *ahem* Yes, Clydas. I was reading the Jade Compendium, which Aemon gave me in my last POV chapter, and also which he gave me in Sam’s first POV chapter an entire book ago. I saw that he highlighted some particular pages for me. About Azor Ahai, and the sword Lightbringer. Which is coincidental because Melisandre was just talking about those very things.  The book says that Azor Ahai tried to make his magical sword that could defeat the darkness over and over again. 100 times. But every time he tried to forge his magic sword, it failed. Until he decided to stab his beautiful wife, Nissa Nissa, right in her breasts. Murdering his wife in the titties made the sword magical, and it glowed warm to the touch. Which is a pretty depressing way to get the magical sword you wanted. Killing your beloved wife and everything.

Clydas: Wooo hooo! What a hootin’ good time it would be to have a sword that generates its own warmth up here in the wall! Why that would be hotter than the four alarm chili at the Boar’s Nest tavern where Daisy works! 

Jon: Yes, I guess? But I’ve seen Stannis’s sword and have been close to it. It doesn’t generate its own heat. It is cold to the touch. So it can’t really be Lightbringer.

Jon then walks away and goes into his own room to write some letters.

Jon: Hrm. Now what was it that Maester Aemon told me? Was it “kill the boy and let the man be born” or was it “please make sure to send all of your friends and allies away so that nobody is left at Castle Black who you can trust?” Hrmm. Hrmm. So hard to remember which of those two sage pieces of advice is the correct one.

Jon then decides it must have been the latter. He writes a letter to Cotter Pyke at Eastwatch, telling him that he’s going to send him Pype and Grenn.  He also sends a letter to Denys Mallister at the Shadow Tower, telling him that he’s getting Halder and Toad. Those are another two of Jon’s allies. You haven’t heard much about them. Whatever. Now you don’t have to worry about them.

As soon as Jon writes the letters, the four magically vanish to never be seen again. And that’s that.

Jon: Well, I think that’s what Aemon would have wanted. For me to be totally alone and with nobody to stand up for me.

Aemon: That’s not what I said at all!!!

Jon: Huh? What was that?

Suddenly, the Old Bear’s raven lands and walks over to Jon.

Raven: Corn.

Jon: Ah, now you’re the only friend I have left.

Raven: *squawk* Dude, we are not friends. I’m just asking for some corn.

Ghost: *woof* [Translation: What the hell, Jon? Are you forgetting about me?]

Jon: No, no, no! Ghost! I know I’ve still got you. It’s just… like… you’re more than a friend. It’s like you’re a part of me.

Ghost: *woof* [Translation: Gross. Dude, are you coming on to me?]

Jon: *sigh* Well, I guess this is my lot in life. From now until the day I die.

Raven: *squawk* Which will be pretty soon. *squawk*

Jon: What was that, Raven?

Raven: Nothing. I just said, “corn.” *squawk*