ACoK 1: Arya I

Arya is riding her donkey on the Kingsroad, heading north and away from Kings Landing after being saved by Yoren of the Night's Watch.  Under the guise of an orphan boy named "Arry" that's being taken to the Wall, Yoren secretly plans to return her home to Winterfell.

But nobody else must know. All the other orphans and criminals being brought north to Winterfell are not told her true identity. Those people include: 

Lommy Greenhands: Hi, I'm Lommy. They call be Greenhands because I was a dyer's apprentice and my hands are green.  I like to call Arry "Lumpyhead" because his awful, lumpy haircut. My favorite body part is my neck, which I think is probably invincible to any spear attack.

Hot Pie: I'm a fat kid named "Hot Pie." I make pies and am fat.

The Bull: My nickname is "The Bull" because I wear a giant Bull's Helm. I wonder where a character like me has appeared previously.

30 Other Characters Who Aren't Important to the Narrative (Yet): Us too.

Also, these three dudes in a caged cart, locked up in chains... 

Rorge: I am a dangerous criminal who was locked in the Black Cells beneath the Red Keep. My nose has been cut off.

Biter: *vicious gurgling* [Translation: I am a feral human, raised as Rorge's adopted son in the streets of Flea Bottom, although treated more as a pet than a human. I was trained to fight dogs and my teeth have been chiseled down to sharp points.]

Jaqen H'ghar: A character needs no description, because he already has a massive fan following.

Arya: I hate all these people and I hate pretending to be a boy.

Yoren: Shut your mouth. If anyone finds out who you are, you'll be turned over to Cersei for a few pieces of silver. But before they do that, they'll probably rape you a dozen times.

Arya: Geez, that's a rather unsettling thing to say to a small girl, but okay.

Yoren: The trickiest part to not giving away your sex will be using the bathroom.

Arya: Oh, well I'll just use the men's rooms instead of the ladies's rooms and that should solve it. I'll just tell everyone I need to take a deuce every time so that I go into a stall and close the door, rather than using a urinal.

Yoren: Hrm, good plan. Too bad there ARE NO BATHROOMS ON THE KINGSROAD.

Arya: Oh crap, this really could be a problem then.

Yoren: Oh yeah, and don't talk either. Or they can tell you're a girl.

Arya: UGGHHH. I hate this. I hate you. I hate the lack of bathrooms. I hate the boys I'm travelling with. I hate everyone here. I hate everyone back in Kings Landing. I wish a giant flood would just come and drown everyone there.

Yoren: Isn't your sister, Sansa, still in Kings Landing?

Arya: I know. My point exactly.

A little bit later, that fat boy rides up to Arya on his donkey... 

Hot Pie: Hey you! Nice sword! You some sort of squire or something?

Arya doesn't talk, because Yoren told her not to. 

Lommy: Hahaha, she's no squire! It's probably not even a real sword.

Arya is super pissed. Needle is a real sword and it's VALYRIAN FUCKING STEEL. She can't stay silent any longer. 

Arya: Oh, this shit is real. I will cut both your damn throats with it.

Lommy: Oh, look! He can talk! Well, if it IS real then you probably stole it.

Arya: Nuh-uh. My brother gave it to me!

Hot Pie: We should steal it from him! Come on, boy! Give us the sword or we'll beat you up.

Arya: I'm not scared of you.

Hot Pie: You wanna know why I'm being taken to Castle Black to join the Night's Watch, boy? I killed another kid. I beat him with my bare hands and then curb-stomped him like in American History X. I watched his brains explode and his blood flow down the drain. I got off on it.  Don't mess with me. I'll do the same to  you! NOW GIVE ME THE SWORD! You probably don't even know how to use it.

Arya doesn't know whether this fat kid is lying or not about killing someone else. What she DOES know is that she DOES know how to use the sword because she herself absolutely DID kill some stableboy back in Kings Landing. But she doesn't say anything about it, because she doesn't know these other kids. They'll probably narc on her. 

Arya chooses not to respond. She just keeps walking. 

Hot Pie: What are you going to do if we steal it? Cry? Cry and wet your pants with your penis since you're a boy like us and have a penis?

The Bull: Come on, leave him alone. He's not bothering anyone.

Hot Pie: No. I want that sword! Give it to me!

Arya: Here, you can have this stupid practice wooden sword. But I'm keeping the real one.

She hands over the wooden sword that Syrio gave her. Which seems strange because you'd think that would have some real sentimental value or something.

Hot Pie: Nah, I want that one!

Instead of grabbing the wooden sword, he tries to snatch Needle. But Arya takes the wooden sword and whacks Hot Pie's donkey.  The donkey freaks out and throws Hot Pie to the ground. The donkey then steps on him and takes a dump on his face.  I'm adding that last part just for fun. 

Hot Pie: *crying*

Arya: Yeah bitch, who's next?

Lommy: *backs away slowly*

The Bull: Arry, look out!

Arya turns to see that Hot Pie is back up. But now he has a rock and throws it at her. She ducks and it misses. She then takes the wooden sword and beats Hot Pie with it further. After smashing various parts of his body a dozen times, she then stabs him in the dick.  Now that last part I'm not adding this time. That actually happens in the book. I swear she stabs him in the dick. Page 34 in the mass market paperback edition. Look it up.

Hot Pie: *crying*

Yoren then pulls her away. 

Yoren: Okay, okay. Enough of this fighting, BOY! You and your BOY PENIS are going to be put into the BOY'S PUNISHMENT BOX WHICH IS ONLY FOR BOYS if you keep behaving badly!

Arya: But he started it! Also, I think you're playing this "boy" thing a little too strong, Yoren. Maybe scale it back down from a "10" to, like, a "6" or something.

Yoren: Don't sass me, BOY!

Yoren drags her off the road, pulls down her pants, and uses her own wooden sword to beat her ass several times. 

Liberal White Woman: GASP! Spanking children is inhumane child abuse! He should go to jail for that!

Liberal White Woman's Unemployed 26 Year-Old Son That Still Lives at Home: Mom, I'm going to go do drugs, rob a store, and shoot my BB gun at animals because I grew up understanding that my own immoral behavior results in absolutely no negative consequences or punishments to me.

Liberal White Woman: Whatever you say, my little snowflake!

Black Friend of Liberal White Woman's Unemployed 26 Year-Old Son That Still Lives at Home:  Hey! That sounds cool. Can I also go through life being irresponsible?

Westeros Police: LOOK! A GUY WEARING A HOODIE! I THINK I SEE A GUN! SHOOT! SHOOT!

Arya: Wow, I really did not need that little bit of improvisation added to this chapter.

Yoren: And if you hit any other of your companions with a stick again like that, I'll beat your ass twice as hard next time, got it?  And don't complain about how much that hurt. Whatever I did wasn't half as bad as that beating that you just gave to Hot Pie.

Arya: Totally. Did you see his pants? Totally stained with pee and poo. I whooped him so hard that he lost all control of his bowels! HIGH FIVE!

She puts her hand up. 

Yoren: ...

Arya: Come on! Don't leave me hangin'!

Yoren: ...

Arya: Whatever.

Yoren: Look, I know you're angry. No matter how hard you beat that fat kid, it's not going to bring your father back. The plan was for me to wait for a signal and then for Ned to take the Black and join us. But something went wrong. Something went very, very wrong.

Arya: Yeah, no shit Sherlock. I know what went wrong. Joffrey! Someone needs to kill him!

Yoren: Well, yeah. But it won't be me or you, that's for sure.

Arya: Damn. I really want it to be me. I want to, like, make a list of people to murder and put his name at the top.

Yoren: Didn't I just say it won't be you?

Arya: Fine. Whatever. But if it won't be me... who will it be?

Yoren: How the hell would I know?

Arya: My hope is that if it's not me, then at least it will be a vast conspiracy involving Olenna Tyrell, Dontos Hollard, Littlefinger, and the "Strangler" poison which was just conveniently introduced in the immediately preceding prologue chapter.

Yoren: That was an unsettlingly specific prediction.

Yoren walks away. 

Back on the Kingsroad, Arya is unable to sit on her donkey because her ass hurts so much from the spanking. But Hot Pie has it even worse because he's just laying on a cart and moaning in pain. Lommy keeps his distance.

The Bull: Hahaha, look at Lommy! He twitches every time he looks your way, Arry!

Arya doesn't respond though, going back to Yoren's "don't talk" advice. 

That night as they ride, The Bull looks to the sky and sees the comet. 

The Bull: Wow! Its red and glowing. It reminds me of a sword glowing in the forge. Because I have a lot of experience working in forges. I was a blacksmith apprentice, you know. Hence this awesome helm that looks like a bull.

Arya: Yeah, yeah. We get it. You're Gendry. Geez.

The Bull: But what do I know?  It could also be a sign hailing Joffrey's rise to the throne; a signal from the Lord of Light that Stannis is a re-birthed form of the legendary "Prince that was Promised" and should attack King's Landing; a sign about Ned Stark's death; a representation of the victories of the Northmen and house Tully against the Lannister forces; a sign that some crazy 14 year old child rape victim should light a fire to burn their husband's corpse and see if they can walk into the same fire unscathed while a a bunch of old dragon eggs hatch; a signal to follow a pathway through the great waste of Essos leading to Qarth; a herald warning of war; a warning of corruption that will soon be purified;  a symbol of blood, a sign that summer is over; a torch related to the Lord Commander of Castle Black; a message from the drowned god; the coming of dragons; or quite frankly it could simply be an icy, small bodies rotating around our sun due to gravitational force. And when passing close to the sun, it warms and begins to release gases in a process called "outgassing." This produces a visible atmosphere or "coma," and ofttimes also a tail. These phenomena are due to the effects of solar radiation and the solar wind acting upon the nucleus of the comet.

But Arya can't dispute that it does look like a sword. Only it's not a red sword in a forge. She agreed with that "blood" theory that Gendry just mentioned and imagines it's red from the blood of her father, who was beheaded with it.  She falls asleep dreaming of being back with her family. Especially Jon Snow. She misses him the most and part of her wishes she were going to the Wall instead of Winterfell so she could see him.  She misses her other family members too. 

But not Sansa. Fuck Sansa. 

ACoK 0: Prologue (Part 2)

...Continued from last time...

Maester Cressen is hobbling back to his private chambers at Dragonstone. Maester Pylos is helping him out because he's so old and feeble. But he drops him off at the door and then skates. 

Cressen sits down and considers his options to stop this plot that Stannis's wife (Selyse) and his new Red Priestess (Melisandre) seem to be talking about related to killing Stannis's brother, Renly.

Cressen: I helped to raise Robert, Stannis and Renly after their father died on that yacht! I can't just let one brother kill the other one now. Stannis is going crazy and listening to everything that red witch says. He is so whipped by her! I mean she is super hot. Like top notch super model hot. She looks like Jean Grey when she turns into Dark Phoenix. She could easily be an actress on a TV show on HBO and do naked scenes. Internet fan art of her would easily look like this or this or this or even this.  Really, this whole thing is all Melisandre's fault. And I must silence her!

Cressen hobbles over to a side room where he keeps a bunch of vials of nasty crap. Milwaukee's Best. Faygo. Stoli vodka. And a bunch of small purple crystals. 

Cressen: Ah, here we are. The Stranger! All I have to do is put a few of these crystals into Melisandre's wine at our next Annual Dragonstone Non-Denominational Holiday Party and her throat will tighten up like a fist! She'll die right there! It will be so sweet!  I know it seems like a terrible thing to do... to murder another person. Yet it must be done!

Cressen looks out to the sky and sees the comet again. 

Cressen: Perhaps the red of this comet actually foretells of this murder I plan. Yes! Yes! Why I think it will indeed--

And then before Cressen can finish that thought, he falls asleep because he's super old and that's just what old people do. 

About a week later, Cressen wakes up. 

Cressen: OH SHIT! How long have I been sleeping?!  PYLOS! PYLOS!!!!

But Pylos doesn't answer. 

Cressen: SERVANTS! SERVANTS!

But the servants don't answer. 

He slowly hobbles out into the hallway. 

20 minutes later he reaches it and sees a sign which says "Dragonstone Party -- TONIGHT!"

Cressen: Oh no! It's the night of the Annual Dragonstone Non-Denominational Holiday Party! It's probably already started! I'm missing it! My chance to poison the Red Witch is almost lost. I need to get over there quickly!

He slowly continues walking towards the party, patting on the vial of purple crystals he has in his pocket to make sure it's there. He walks the long hallway. Man oh man, does it feel long! 

Looking out the windows of the hall, he sees that comet again. 

Cressen: It looks so malevolent out there. But I should not fear! It is the red witch who should fear!

An hour later, he reaches the party. It's totally been raging without him. Nobody waited for him at all. 

Cressen: WHAT THE HELL?!

He looks up at the giant banner atop the party. But instead of saying "Annual Dragonstone Non-Denominational Holiday Party" it says "Annual Dragonstone Lord of Light Holiday Party." 

Cressen: This was supposed to be Non-Denominational! You whippersnappers with your red god have ruined everything!

But as he angrily stands by the doorway, Patchface jingles his way up, dancing around like a fucking fool. Well, I guess he IS a fool, so that makes sense. 

Patchface: Under the sea you fall up, I know, I know, I know. Under the sea, Nobody beat us, Fry us and eat us, In fricassee, I know, I know. We what the land folks loves to cook, Under the sea, we off da hook, We got no troubles, Life is the bubbles, Under the sea, I know, I know.

As he prances, Patchface runs into Cressen and knocks him down on his old ass. Everyone in the house begins laughing because beating up old people is apparently funny in Dragonstone.

Cressen: UGH! UGH! HELP! I've fallen and I can't get up.

Unable to pick himself up, Cressen eventually feels super strong hands lift him up.

Cressen: Oh, thank you, whoever you are, kind sir. That was most noble of you to pick me uuu----Oh, shit.

Cressen looks and it was no man that picked him up. It was...

Hot-Ass Fucking Melisandre: Hey Cressen. You should watch your step. After all... THE NIGHT IS DARK AND FULL OF TERRORS.

Crowd: Hahaha! Catchphrase! We love it!

Cressen: Leave me alone, witch! Only a fool would be scared of the dark.

Melisandre: Hrm... speaking of fools, I think I have a riddle: "What do you call a clever fool and a foolish wise man?"

Cressen: Uhh... I dunno. What?

Lady Hotness then takes the ridiculous-looking antlered horned helm/crown off of Patchface and puts it on Cressen's head. 

Melisandre: "Patchface and Cressen." Obviously.

Crowd: Oh man! That was classic Mel! Please date us! We have a serious crush!

Cressen angrily tears the helm off and throws it on the floor. 

Cressen: Whatever. At least I don't have freakish man hands like you. You're like a WNBA player or something.

He then hobbles over to the high table to take a seat near King Stannis. 

20 minutes later when he gets there...

Cressen: What the hell?! Pylos! That's my seat! Get out!

Pylos: Uh, no. It's my seat now. Remember? I'm your replacement.

Cressen: And why didn't you wake me for the party?

Pylos: Because I was given specific instructions not to.

Cressen: What?! By who?!

Stannis: BY ME, BITCH.

Cressen: What?! Nooooooooo!

Stannis: Cressen, you are too old, too sick, and too confused to be of any use to me anymore. You refuse to even learn how to work the DVR.

Cressen: I enjoy having the VCR record my shows! How do you even play back the shows without a cassette tape?

Stannis: I've told you a million times, Cressen, the DVR stores them electronically. You can play them back whenever you wan't. You can quickly skip through the commercials. The image is digital and crisp. You don't get those lines, blips and ghosting like you do on the tapes that you've been re-using over and over. DVRs are like 20 year old technology, Cressen. You need to learn to use them.

Cressen: But... but... look... right next to you! The place of honor! Who gets to sit there?

Melisandre: Oh hi, that would be me!

She sits down. 

Cressen: But... but... but...

Stannis: Get out of here, old man! Go sit down there with the unimportant characters.

And so Cressen meekly accepts it and starts to hobble away. Very slowly. He walks past the high table and they all avoid looking at his face. Except for Davos. Davos is willing to make eye contact. 

Davos: Oh man, this is so awkward. Plus it's going to take him another half hour to get off this stage. Here, Pylos. Just sit in my seat. I'll go pull another one up for myself.

Cressen: Oh thank you, thank you so much.

Cressen sits down. He's angry by Stannis's words. But he knows it's not Stannis's fault. He loves Stannis and helped to raise him! Surely Stannis must be under the evil influence of that red witch. After she's dead, everything will be better and Stannis will go back to respecting him again. 

The party picks back up again and Patchface goes dancing around. 

Davos: Look at that, Cressen. Perhaps we should all wear a fool's outfit because we're all fools if we think that we'll be able to win this war. The Red Witch sees victory in her fire and wants us to march to war. But the numbers just don't add up. Just like the numbers behind the subprime mortgages and collateralized debt obligations that led to the collapse of the US housing market and the 2008 global financial crisis.

But Cressen doesn't respond back to Davos. Instead he turns to King Stannis again. 

Cressen: Sire, I repeat my earlier remarks! We must seek an alliance with Robb Stark or Lysa Arryn if we want to win!

Selyse: Silence, Cressen! The Lord of Light is the only ally my husband needs!

Cressen: Gods make uncertain allies. I mean just think about the Trojan War. Ares was the god of war and he was on the Trojan side. The Trojans lost!

Lysene Captain, Salladhor Saan: Hrm... interesting story, Cressen. Why I had heard that these Trojans were a mighty force that could always hold the line. A line that could not be broken. But apparently Trojans do... hehe... occasionally... break. Would you say that's true?

Cressen: Yes, yes, Salladhor. That is true. That is an example of when Trojans do indeed break.

Salladhor Saan: I hate it when a Trojan breaks on me!

Crowd: *giggles*

Ser Axell Florent: Say now, Cressen. I suppose another way of putting that is by saying that the Trojans were "easily penetrated!"

Crowd: *giggles even louder*

Cressen: Yes, true. True! Through the trickery of the Greeks, there was indeed penetration.

Ser Axell Florent: Ah yes, those craft Greeks do like tricking people into penetration.

Crowd: *now openly laughing because they can't hold it back anymore*

Lord Ardrian Celtigar: Odd that you say that, Ser Axell. I was always under the impression that Trojans were not the ones to be penetrated. I always thought it was Trojans doing the penetrating!

Crowd: *uproarious guffawing and hoots*

Stannis: Okay everyone, okay. Everyone knock that shit off.

Cressen: What I'm trying to say here is... your filthy red god has no power here!

Melisandre: Haha, if you think that then you truly are a FOOL. Maybe you should put Patchface's horned helm back on.

Selyse: YES! YES! THIS!!! SO MUCH THIS! I order it now.

Cressen can't believe that shit. He stares at Stannis as if like, "No! You can't allow this."

Stannis: Nah shorty, leave me out of this shit. The Queen gave an order.

And so the fool's crown is put back on Cressen's head. 

Crowd: Oh snap! This is even more funny the second time.

Selyse: Now that Cressen is our jester, he should sing a song for us and dance. Go on, dance, boy! Dance!

Stannis: Okay, that's a step too far now, bitch. Cressen may be a worthless, senile old man now. But he served me well for many years.

As they argue, Cressen sees Davos's wine glass and snatches it. He drops the purple strangler crystal in it.  Davos straight up sees Cressen do this, but nobody else seems to have noticed. 

Cressen: *whispers* Don't you be no snitch ass punk now!

He then stands up and turns to the crowd. 

Cressen: *ahem*... A toast! A toast to the Red Witch and to her shitty fake god's power!

Melisandre: Yes. A great idea. Let us drink!

Davos: Psst! Cressen! Don't do this!

Cressen: Shut up! ... now... As I was saying... a toast! And Melisandre, it would be an honor if you shared this glass with me.

Melisandre: Sure thing. You don't have mono, right?

She grabs it from his hands and drinks almost the whole thing down. She then hands it back to him to finish. 

Melisandre: Now... your turn.

He closes his eyes and reluctantly sips. He knows he will die... but he'll take Melisandre out with him. So it will all be worth it!!!

Cressen: Hahahaha! You're the real fool! The cup was poisoned and now you will--

Cressen begins choking on his own words. Mel just stands there, smiling as the red crystal on her choker starts to light up bright red. That's right, this hot bitch is wearing a choker like it's the 1990s and she don't give AF. 

Cressen falls over and dies. 

Melisandre: I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder.

Salladhor Saan: What the hell is iocane powder?

Melisandre: Oh, sorry. I meant "the Strangler." 

ACoK 0: Prologue (Part 1)

Maester Cressen is an old man. So old it would be a miracle if he got out of this prologue alive. I mean the last prologue guy died. Prologues seem like a really good way to tell the POV of someone who is about to die. That's all I'm saying.

Cressen: By the seven gods, I'm so old! I think I'll just crouch over here by the balcony and watch this red comet fly by. Ah yes, a red comet... leaving a mark in the sky like a wound. I know I'm too well educated and experiences to believe in superstition, but I can't help but feel that this is a bad omen. Especially with all these other omen-ey things happening too. Like steam rising from here in Dragonstone.

Oh right, I forgot to say -- Maester Cressen is on Dragonstone, the island at the entrance to Blackwater Bay which was traditionally held as a seat of power by the Targaryens. After Aegon conquered Westeros and moved the capital to Kings Landing, Dragonstone became the seat of power to the heir.  Robert Baratheon must have had a similar-ish thing in mind before he had children (totally not his, by the way), because he had his younger brother, Stannis, hold Dragonstone for him.

Cressen: Anyway, as I was saying. Bad omens. The comet. The steam rising up from Dragonstone since it's a center of volcanic activity. And also this white raven that just arrived, proclaiming that summer has ended and that autumn has begun. It was a long summer too. Over ten years!

But then Maester Pylos bursts into the room.

Pylos: Whattup, punk ass bitch? You want some breakfast? Better hope I don't spit in it!

Cressen: *grumble*

Pylos and Cressen really don't like each other. Why? The answer is obvious. Stannis should only have one Maester. So why are there two? Because Cressen is old AF and Stannis just decided to get a new one even before the old one died. It's like when you're a kid and you have an older dog that's getting sick. So your parents get you a new puppy in the hopes that it will distract you and/or make you feel less bad when the old dog dies.

Needless to say, Cressen isn't exactly happy about this "being replaced" situation.

Cressen: What the hell do you want?

Pylos: Oh, you mean other than the breakfast thing? Princess Shireen would like to see the white raven. She heard it arrived.

Cressen: Princess? Oh... right... I guess now that Stannis is calling himself "King," Shireen is a Princess. Whatever. Bring her in.

She comes in.

Shireen: Hey there! Mind if I bring my best friend?

Cressen: Oh please God no, not Pa--

--Patchface the Juggler/Fool/Jester jingles into the room. I say "jingle" because his outfit is covered in little annoying bells.

Patchface: Under the sea, the birds have scales for feathers. I know, I know, I know. Under the sea,
Darling it's better, Down where it's wetter, Take it from me, oh I know, I know, I know.

Cressen: Shut up, Patchface.

Not a damn person can stand Patchface except for Shireen. Honestly everyone else wishes he would just die but since Shireen likes him, Stannis keeps him around.  

Patchface was initially just a jester of a normal level of annoyance at first, but that was back in the day.  Then Robert/Stannis/Renly's parents, Steffon and Cassana, decided to get drunk and take their pleasure yacht into a place called "Shipbreaker Bay." Patchface was with them on the yacht when it went down and was the only survivor. But he came out of the shipwreck totally fucking crazy. Probably because the yacht was continually blasting awful Pitbull music the whole time, including while it was sinking.  

Cressen: Anyway Shireen, I'll go get the Raven so you can see it. Your life is pretty sad, what with you having a terrible dad, you being all alone here with nobody your age to play with, and you being infected with the face shingles.

Shireen: It's called "Greyscale."

Cressen: Whatever.

Cressen shuffles off to go get the white raven. As he does, he thinks about Stannis's new best friend... some hot-ass red witch. Oh yeah, she is SUPER hot. But she's a bit of a pyromaniac and loves to burn things. She even worships fire like it's some kind of god. CRAZY.

He brings the raven back.

Cressen: Here you go. It's a bird... but it's white! Fun, right?

Shireen: Yay! I like white things! I'm a Republican.

Cressen: What are you doing up so early anyway?

Shireen: I had a nightmare. I had a dream that dragons were going to eat me.

Cressen: Well, you live in an old castle built by dragon lords that has a number of dragons carved into the stones everywhere. So that's really not all that surprising. Honestly, we should have probably redone your room years ago and at least given you a "Disney Princess" theme or something.

Patchface: Under the sea, my lord, I know, I know, oh I--

Cressen: --SHHHH!!!

Shireen: I think the dragons are waking up. I dreamed I died in a horrible fire. The Red Witch says that the line in the sky is Dragon's Breath!

Cressen: That's crazy talk. You dying in a fire? Dragon's breath? Look girl, people see what they want to see when they look at the comet. I bet someone out there thinks it's a sign about Ned Stark's death.  Some people think it's a sign that that they should light a fire to burn their husband's corpse and see if they can walk into the same fire unscathed while a a bunch of old dragon eggs hatch. I bet there are even some people who see the comet and think that it signals a pathway through the great waste of Essos as a mystical sign to go to Qarth.

Pylos: I hear some people in Kings Landing believe it means to foretell of Joffrey's rise to the throne, which is crazy because everyone knows Stannis is the true king.

Cressen: Yeah, and I bet other people think it's a herald warning of war, or a sword red hot from the forge, or a warning of corruption that will soon be purified, or a victory for house Tully, or a representation of blood, or a sign that summer is over, or a torch related to the Lord Commander of Castle Black, or a message from the drowned god, or a sign of the return of the Prince that was Promised.

Pylos: I even heard one theory back at the Citadel in Old Town that comets are, in fact, icy small bodies rotating around our sun due to gravitational force. And when passing close to the sun, they warm and begin to release gases in a process called "outgassing." This produces a visible atmosphere or "coma," and ofttimes also a tail. These phenomena are due to the effects of solar radiation and the solar wind acting upon the nucleus of the comet.

Cressen: Shut up and go fetch my breakfast.

Pylos goes to fetch breakfast. 

Shireen: So do I get to play with the raven or what?

Cressen: Sure.

She plays with it. 

Shireen: Can it speak?

Raven: You bet your ass I can speak! The common tongue, High Valyrian, Low Valyrian, Dothraki, Old Ghiscari, Esperanto, that shit that Watto was speaking in Phantom Menace. Unfortunately, the only word I know in any of these language is "Corn." And the word "Corn" in every single one of these languages is, coincidentally, "Corn."

Shireen: HOLY CRAP! Everyone, did you hear that?

Raven: Corn.

Cressen: Hear what?

Raven: Corn.

Shireen: The raven! Did you hear what he just said?

Cressen: Yeah. He said, "Corn."

Raven: CORN!?

Shireen: No, no, no. BEFORE that! He had this whole paragraph.

Raven: Corn.

Cressen: Anyway. White ravens mean summer is over. I fear the autumn will bring long shadows and--

Patchface:  --The shadows came to dance, my lord, dance my lord, dance my lord! The shadows came to stay, my lord, stay my lord, stay my lord! Oh my sweet lord. I really want to know you. Really want to go with you. Really want to show you, lord, that it won't take long, my lord, my lord, my lord!

Shireen: He won't stop singing that. It's so annoying. Can someone please shut him up?

Cressen: Okay.

Cressen pulls out a SIG Pro (SP 2022 variant) short recoil operated, locked breech semi-automatic pistol; chambers a .40 S&W; and sticks it to Patchface's head. 

Shireen: NO! Not like that!

Cressen: Damnit. I was hoping to just get rid of him like the TV show did.

Raven: Corn.

Patchface: Clever bird! Clever man! Clever fool!

Pylos: Okay everyone, I'm back from breakfast fetching and I'm going to take an executive decision to move this prologue forward.  This is a super long prologue anyway and we're not speeding it up any with all this BS. We're not even done with the first scene yet! So I'm going to end this right here and say that Ser Davos Seaworth returned in the night and is with Stannis. Cressen, you should probably get angry that you weren't informed about this and demand to go see Stannis alone!

Cressen: YES! I am furious about this! I demand to see Stannis alone.

And so Cressen leaves to go meet with Stannis.  

Pylos: Fine, I'll just eat this breakfast myself then.

Shireen: Ooh, what is it?

Pylos: McDonalds Sausage Biscuit Sandwich.

Shireen: With cheese?

Pylos: OF COURSE. Who gets it WITHOUT cheese? Crazy people!

Raven: Corn!

Anyway, Cressen is on his way to see Stannis. Stannis is over at the Stone Drum, which is the main keep in Dragonstone (similar to the Red Keep in King's Landing). But since Cressen is super old with bad hips, he's having a super shitty hard time getting there. Plus there are all these steps. Steps everywhere! Cressen's old ass can't walk up all these steps!

Half way up the steps, he runs into Ser Davos, AKA "The Onion Knight" 

Davos: Hey there. I'm a new main character in these books. Just want to let everyone know. My mission as envoy to the Stormlands has failed. All the lords sworn to Storms End have joined the lords of the Reach and have sworn fealty to Renly... not Stannis.

Cressen: Oh man, that's terrible. Look, I love Renly and all and I helped to raise him after that yachting accident that killed his parents. But that kid is still a kid. All he does is play games. He doesn't really want to be a king. He wants to PRETEND to be a king. Just like he always liked to pretend being a wizard or a dragon as a little kid. It's like he belongs in imagination land.

Davos: Yeah, they say he's setting up his own Kingsguard, but that they're all wearing flamboyant rainbow colors. That's not what actual kingsguards should look like unless the guards are in an off-Broadway production of Pippin.

Cressen: Hrm, I wonder why we're mentioning the words "flamboyant" and "rainbow" when mentioning Renly.

Davros shrugs.

Dalek: OUR CRE-A-TOR! EX-TER-MIN-ATE!

Excuse me, I mean "Davos" shrugs. It is really hard not to write "Davros" for some reason. 

Cressen: So, other than the bad news... could you bring Stannis any good news?

Davos: Nah.

Cressen: Now if you'll excuse me, I think I want to go into a long, reflective narrative, where I think back upon your history and how you became known as "The Onion Knight" and fell into the service of Stannis, despite your lowly upbringing.

Davos: Well, I am a main character so that kind of backstory does sound good. But anyone who is bothering to read this probably already knows all that. So maybe... just a quick summary?

Cressen: You were born poor to a family that wasn't noble. You became a smuggler. You used to be a blockade runner and sneak your ships past Lord Redwyne's blockade back during the war against the Targayrens. You gave Stannis supplies like onions and fish that helped his army outlast the siege of Storm's End until Ned Stark could arrive to help. Stannis knighted you for it, and lifted you to be a noble. You got a house with it's own banner with ships and onions on it. But Stannis is also kind of a giant dick and because you were a smuggler, right after he made you a knight, he also said that you should be punished for your past crimes. So he cut all the fingers off your left hand, except for your thumb. You also still carry the bones of your removed fingers around on you in a little pouch around your neck. Because you probably have some sort of mental illness, I assume. You also seem to have a thing for Missandei in the TV show. Everyone is going to start "shipping" you two, and there is nothing you can do about.

Davos: Okay, that's enough. The point is, if I'm loyal to a dude who cut my fingers off, I have no reason to lie to him. He needs to hear the truth. And that truth is that attacking Kings Landing is suicide if he doesn't have any allies behind him, except for the sad collection of misfit toys on this island.

Davos leaves, because he said what he had to.

Cressen goes up to the keep and sees Stannis, standing over the Painted Table, a giant table which is shaped like a detailed map of the continent of Westeros.

Stannis: Oh shit. Cressen? You're still alive? Good to see you, little buddy. How you doing, huh? Huh?

Cressen: Stop treating me like a child!

Stannis: You must be real tired... walking up all those steps, huh Cressen? You need a nap? Huh? You need a nap? You didn't have to come up here. You could have learned about Davos's news tomorrow when you did your wakey-wakey.

Cressen: Yes, the news from Davos is indeed bad.

Stannis: Robert... that asshole... this is all his fault! I should have been the one at Storm's End. Not Renly. The castle was mine to inherent! Instead I get shitty, isolated Dragonstone!  Everyone rallied around Renly because he was closer and I was all far away here.

Cressen: Also because everyone likes Renly but hates you.

Stannis: What?

Cressen: Nothing. I was simply saying that yes, Robert did you an injustice. But he needed a MAN to hold Dragonstone, and Renly was but a boy.

Stannis: Fuck Renly. I hate my brothers. Just what the hell am I going to do now? What am I going to tell the bannermen that are loyal to me? That all the houses of the Stormlands have abandoned us? That we're on our own?

Cressen: Sir... or SIRE, I guess now, we don't have to be alone. We can make alliances. We can ally with Renly.

Stannis: NOPE! Not going to happen. Not after he shafted me with that "declaring himself king" thing.

Cressen: Well, we can ally with the Stark boy in the North. They have plenty of followers. And they would likely want to team up with you if you were to help them defeat our true enemies, the Lannisters, and avenge Ned Stark.

Stannis: Why the hell would I want to avenge Ned Stark? What the hell has Ned Stark ever done for me?

Cressen: Uh, well... as explained earlier in this very prologue, he actually saved your ass when you were under siege by the Tyrell forces for a year. He also died in the last book specifically to prove and uphold your claim to the throne as the legitimate heir. So, uhhhh, actually... he's done a whole lot for you.

Stannis: Yeah, well, I'm an ungrateful asshole who is just the worst. And I'm resentful that Robert loved him more than he loved me. His own brother!!!

Stannis starts crying into a handkerchief. 

Cressen: What about a marriage pact with the Arryns then? Shireen + Robert Arryn.

Stannis: Nope.

Cressen: Geez, don't you want to ally with ANYONE?

Just then, Stannis's icebox occultist wife enters the room. 

Selyse: STANNIS NEEDS NO ALLIES! HE IS PROTECTED BY THE LORD OF LIGHT!

Cressen: Oh god, not this bitch and her fake god.

Selyse: Do not blaspheme R'hllor! I learned all about him from the Red Priestess, Melisandre of Asshai. I'm also starting to really get into Kabbalah, Buddhism, Astrology, and all the other weird, trendy shit that celebrities like. You know, I really consider myself more "spiritual" than "religious."

Stannis: Bitch, I do not need your god for help. I need an army.

Selyse: You have an army with the Lord of Light! See? He brings a comet as an omen that he will send victory to you!

Stannis: Well, when the comet deploys a mixed armed force of some 50,000 well-trained cavalry and foot soldiers capable of strategically assaulting King's Landing... I'll start taking the Lord of Light a bit more seriously.

Selyse: Melisandre has looked into the flames and sees Renly dead! When Renly dies, his armies will flock to join your cause!

Cressen: BLACK MAGIC! NO! Stannis, you must not be sucked into this crazy witchcraft stuff! She's talking about doing some shit to KILL YOUR OWN BROTHER! That's evil!

Stannis: Oh no, I hate my brother. That sounds sweet. Get the hell out of here, Cressen!

Cressen: No! But I...

Selyse walks up and throws him out the door. He falls down the steps for like five minutes, battered and bruised. At the bottom he sees Pylos. 

Pylos: Oh, hey there buddy. Had a little trip?

Cressen: Shut up, Pylos. And help me back to my room. I need to formulate a plan... a plan to get rid of this Red Witch once and for all! BY POISONING HER!

Dunn Dunn DUNNNNNNN!!!

Pylos: And hey, because this prologue is super long, this seems like as good a place as any to just cut it off and have it be all dramatically continued next time.

Yeah, so let's do that.

AGoT: Reflections

A Game of Thrones. What a wonderful journey it was, wasn't it?  Before we move on, let's reflect upon a few running jokes and other bits of nonsense.

How many of these things did you notice?

1.  Yohn Royce really, really just wants to know where his son is.
   
2.  Robb always calls Greywind a pupper or doggo. He also thinks "cavalry" are "horseys."
3. Dany, who is GODDAMN 13 (and later 14), sure does have a lot of chapters where she's stripped naked and being washed down. Or having sex. Which is gross.
4. In case you forgot, Jorah sold slaves. I won't let you forget though.
5.  Jeyne Poole thinks Arya is ugly. Which is, you know, ironic.
6.  When really questionable medical advice is being given, you can rest assured Goop is involved.
7.  Starting chapters in media res is annoying. Tyrion is especially guilty.
8. If something is different from the book and show, I'll probably passive-aggressively point that out.
9.  Sam is the narrator. Deal with it.
10. All Septon Chayle really wants is for people to return his damn library books.
11. Irri, Jhiqui and Doreah are unnecessary and redundant. It is known.
    
12. Band name?
13. The Dragon always calls himself "The Dragon."
    
14. Ned might or might not really be a fan of CSI.
15. Why the hell does Shaq keep popping up? Hrmmm.
16. Nobody likes Sansa.
17. I can't be the only one who thinks it's messed up that Jeor Mormont gave Jon Snow a BASTARD sword, can I?
18. I really enjoy swearing. A lot.
19. Hodor really sounds different than you might remember.
20. Ser Mandon Moore should have really thought through his nickname a little more.
    
21. Everything is Cat's fault. And Ned's. I mean really.
22. And speaking of that, Littlefinger is the good guy.
23. Chett and Clydas really seem like they belong in something else.
    
24. Get used to references about Grand Maester Pycelle being other people.
25. You can definitely understand what animals are saying, especially direwolves.
    
26. Please, for the love of the seven, don't say "Game of Thrones"
27. Ravens and Crows really like CORN.
28. Hrm, that ones Vale Clansman sounds really familiar.
29. Crowds sure do like talking in unison.
30. Bran is a huge fan of walking and climbing. Those are his two favorite things, and he really enjoys talking about them.
31. Ned is really bad at those follow-up discussions he needs to have.
32. He's also terrible at remembering EXACTLY what he promised his sister.
33. I really like hyperlinking to this. 

These aren't all the running jokes I made. But hey... they are some of them.

• Did you notice 1 - 10 of them? Well then you suck. 
• 11 - 20? Admirable job!
• 21 - 30? Great, you're quite the avid reader!
• 31 - 33? GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU CREEPY STALKER!

Up next: A CLASH OF KINGS!

AGoT: Appendix

House Baratheon

Robert, a dead fatass who got killed by bacon.

• His wife Cersei, who kicked ass in The Sarah Connor Chronicles
• Children that are most definitely not his: 
• Joffrey, a sadistic shithead
• Myrcella, who has two beautiful ears that she hopes to keep forever
• Tommen, a bit slow
• His brothers:
• Stannis, a guy who hasn't even appeared yet
• Renly, who is much more "on the down low" in the books
• His small council:
• Grand Maester Julian Glover, a brilliant character actor
• Littlefinger, Cash Rules Everything Around Him
• Stannis again
• Renly again
• Varys, a guy they call "Spider" but who can't websling at all.  J. Jonah Jameson is never trying to take pictures of him.
• His court:
• Ilyn "House of" Payne, Ned should have been a little nicer to him
• The Hound, who will win no beauty pageants
• Janos Slynt, who has a "Make Westeros Great Again" bumper sticker on his wagon
• Other bullshit characters you can disregard
• The Kingsguard
• Barrsitan Selmy, but not really anymore
• Jaime Lannister, called the kingslayer, but he's really slaying the king's wife, if you know what I mean. With his penis. That's his sister too, by the way. 
• Mandy Moore
• Arys Oakheart, who isn't relevant for another three books
• Other characters who will never be important

House Stark

Ned, an avid fan of CSI and who recently became about a foot shorter.

• His wife Cat, who is completely to blame for everything that went wrong
• Their kids: 
• Robb, now in charge of the house despite the fact that he talks like a baby
• Sansa, annoying
• Arya, sociopathic serial killer in training
• Bran, who used to enjoy bipedal motion but now talks to birds about corn a lot
• Rickon, literally a throwaway character
• His nephew bastard Jon Snow
• Theon Greyjoy, a hostage with Stockholm syndrome
• His dead siblings
• Dead brother Brandon
• Dead sister Lyanna, who he keeps dreaming cryptically about
• Her husband, Rhaegar Targaryen
• Their son, Jon Snow
• Benjen, dead or probably Coldhalds (despite numerous GRRM denials)
• His household
• Maester Luwin, who is just there to give Bran someone to talk to
• Vayon Poole and his daughter Jeyne who will have a fucked up future
• Jory Cassel, dead
• Rodrick Cassel, who was just there to give Cat someone to talk to for a bit
• Septa Mordane, dead and surprisingly not via Arya
• Septon Chayle, who really wants you assholes to just return his library books
• Old Nan, who is just there to drop backstory about legends that will become very important in future books
• Hodor, an erudite Englishman who speaks verbosely about a number of subjects of great intellectual significance
• Other easily forgettable characters
• His Robb's Lords and Bannermen: 
• Rickard Karstark, who sort of just exists
• Greatjon Umber, enjoys shouting and having wolves eat his fingers
• Roose Bolton, a very trustworthy guy who is not at all creepy
• House Glover, no relation to Julian Glover
• Wyman Manderly, a lamprey-eating fatso with an unquenchable goal in life to create the "ultimate pie" 
• Maege Mormont, the type of gal who it seems like will just disappear with Robb's will for several books... sans explanation 

House Lannister 

Tywin Lannister, Lord of Casterly Rock, Shield of Lannisport, Warden of the West, Head of House Lannister, Defender of the Faith, the Last of the Mohicans, the Bard of Avon, the King of Rock and Roll, and the Fresh Prince of Bel Air

• Dead wife
• Kids: 
• Guy previously mentioned above who bangs his sister
• Sister previously mentioned about who bangs her brother
• Uncle Dwarfy, a main POV character buried really down deep in this list
• Kevan Lannister, of low to moderate importance in the books
• A bunch of other unimportant characters
• The Mountain, who works for them and is really good at killing people

House Arryn

Led by a guy named Jon who was dead even before this book began. 

• Lysa, his completely batshit insane wife 
• Their son, Robert, a grown ass boy who still sucks his momma titty
• FUCKING BLACKFISH, YEAHHHHH!!!!
• Mya Stone, a bastard whose hair color is a plot point... for some reason
• Maestor Colemon... maybe Zendaya's father or something?
• More people you can instantly forget about
• A moon door

House Tully 

Hoster Tully, still hanging in there but will be dead very soon

• Another dead wife
• His kids: 
• Cat, who married Ned Stark. Hopefully you know who this is since she's a main character and was already mentioned above 
• Lysa, the same crazy bitch we just talked about
• Edmure, the heir because who would let a woman run shit... am I right? This ain't Dorne! Hahaha! Come on, pound my fist, bro!
• His brother, THE FUCKING BLACKFISH! THERE ARE SO MANY REPEATS HERE!
• Lords and Bannermen:
• Walder Frey, the creepy old man who gropes young women and people just let it slide
• Other fodder for future wars

Houses Tyrell, Greyjoy, and Martell

• The Knight of Flowers, a fuckboi
• Fucking Theon
• Don't get ahead of yourselves, none of these other characters or houses matter quite yet

House Targaryen

• Viserys - got his face melted off. It was bad ass
• Dany - An exploited jailbait girl, now protected by dragons
• Other dead people who died, like, 15 years before this books
• Young Griff (oops, too early)
• Jon Snow

AGoT 72: Daenerys X

Dany and her khas build a giant funeral pyre for Khal Drogo, a good ol' Dothraki custom.

Aggo: Fun fact, Dothraki are part Jedi.

Rakharo: And also half-Viking.

Aggo and Rakharo then kill a stallion and throw it in on the pyre, so that Drogo could have a stallion to ride in the afterlife. 

Dany: Wait... haven't a bunch of horses already died? Can't he just ride those ones? Why do we have to kill another horse? That just seems needless. Now bring out my SPECIAL GUEST!

Her khas bring Mirri Maz Durr forward, all bound up in ropes. 

Mirri Maz Dur: Oh, I see what's going on here. Trying to set up some sort of fire and make some blood sacrifices to bring your dead husband back? You know, I could help you. Just untie me and I can help.

Dany: Nope. You guesses wrong, bitch.

Dany snaps her fingers and they throw Mirri in the pyre and then throw all sorts of other stuff on the pyre on top of her that Drogo will need in the afterlife. Drogo's treasures. Gold. Gems. His vinyl Four Tops albums.

Jhogo: What about Drogo's UGG boots?

Dany: Eww. I agree they should be thrown in a fire and burned, but I'm not sure they'll be needed in the afterlife. So save them for some tire fire later. And also save the weapons. Don't burn those. I want you all to be my bloodriders! To Jhogo... I give you the silver-handled whip. To Aggo... I give you the double-curved black dragonbone bow. To Rakharo... I give you the gold-chased arakh. And to Donatello... I give you... hehehe... this shitty Bō. Hahaha. Oh man. It's just a wooden stick! SHAFTED AGAIN, DONATELLO!

Donatello: That's so Bogus, April!

Dany: Why do you keep calling me "April?"

Donatello leaves to go eat pizza and "do" machines. 

Jhogo: Khaleesi... this shall not be so! I cannot be a bloodrider to a WOMAN!

Aggo: Yeah, only a man can lead a Khalasar.

Rakharo: Same here. I am willing to lead you back to Vaes Dothrak so that you can join the dosh khaleen crones. But after that, we're done... professionally.

Dany: Yeah, whatever. We'll see about that. Now, to you Jorah. I give to you... an IOU on a Valyrian steel sword. And I name you as the first of my Queensguard.

Jorah: It will be an honor to be your bodyguard. Always so close to you. Very close. And maybe just like in "The Bodyguard" you will fall in love with me.

Dany: Huh? What did you say?

Jorah: What?

Dany: Excuse me?

Jorah: Huh?

Dany then goes to take another bath in a completely unnecessary exploitation scene. After that, she readies Drogo's body and orders it to be carried into the pyre. 

She also brings along her dragon eggs and throws them in there too. She sets them around Drogo's body. She then starts pouring gasoline everywhere.

Jorah: My queen, just what are you planning here? You're not thinking of throwing yourself on this pyre too, are you?

Dany: What? Hahahaha.... Noooooo.*shifty eyes* Nooooooooooooooooo.

She then starts pouring gasoline down Mirri Maz Dur's mouth.

Mirri Maz Dur: You're a mad woman! A MAD WOMAN! You will not hear me scream.

Dany: Wanna bet?

Jhogo: Oh hey look! A red comet in the sky.

Dany: That's enough of a sign for me.

She lights a match and throws it in there. It lights up like Christmas decorations in an affluent, white neighborhood.

Mirri Maz Dur: AGHHH! AGHHH! FUUUCK! FUUUCK!!! FUCCKKK!!! AGHHHHHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING MUCH! MY FACE IS MELTING OFF! AGHHHHHH!!! OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK! AGGHHHHHHH!!!!

Dany: Thanks for teaching me so much, sheepbitch. Only death can pay for life.

Dany stares at the flames. She watched Mirri burn to ashes. She watches her husband get extra crispy and turn to dust. In the smoke and flames, she thinks she sees a vision of her husband, riding his horse and doing that stuff he loved to do like rape and murder innocent people. 

Dany: Flames. Soooooooo prettttyyyyyyy!

She starts to walk in them. 

Jorah: Khaleesi, NO!

But it's too late. She walks into the fire. The pyre collapses on her and dies. Series over. 

Just kidding. 

Hours later, Jorah and others and picking up the smoking embers of the dying fire and find Dany there - unburnt.  I mean except her hair. Her hair has been burned off. And her clothes.

Jorah: HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU'RE ALIVE. And naked.

She cradles something in her body. When she stands up she reveals what she was protecting. 

Three. 

Fucking. 

Baby. 

Dragons.

The dragons are the same colors that the three eggs were. Jorah drops to his knees. He's quickly followed by Jhogo, Aggo, and Rakharo.

Dany: That's right bitches, the sequels are going to have MOTHERFUCKING DRAGONS

~FIN~

AGoT 71: Catelyn XI

Cat: Oh man, it fills like a thousand years ago that me and baby Robb first left Riverrun to head to our forever home, Winterfell. But I know it can't be that long or else I'd be super old. And I'm even younger in the books than the show.  Now here I am, heading back to Riverrun after all this time. Only this time, Robb is a grown ass warrior in armor. He's still a kid though. He keeps calling that damn direwolf "Doggo."

Robb: Come here, Lil' Pupper!!!

Grey Wolf comes up and nuzzles Robb.

Cat: I stand corrected that time, I guess.

And so they all approach Riverrun via the river. It's Cat, Robb, and Theon Greyjoy in one boat, and in the next boat its Blackfish, Greatjon Umber, and Rickard Karstark.

The men on the walls of Riverrun begin cheering loudly as they approach, and hang up the Tully banners. But Cat isn't celebrating. She is dead on the inside ever since the news that Ned was beheaded.

They pass through the water gate and are greeted by her brother, Ser Edmure, and Lord Tytos Blackwood.

Edmure Tully: SISTER! GIMMIE A HUG! Oh, and hey... sorry about that whole "dead husband" thing. I swear on our father's grave that we will have our revenge!

Cat: WHAT?! Father is dead?!

Edmure: Oh, sorry. Not in the books yet, I guess. But he's about to me.

Cat: I must see him at once!

And so she's escorted up to his solar, which is a fancy term that means upstairs living quarters. You know how it is with these fancy medieval castles.  I have no idea why they named it "solar" though.

Cat: Why did you not tell me he was in such dire health?

Edmure: Uh, he told me not to. If word got out that he was sick - surely the Lannisters would have seen Riverrun as even more vulnerable and redoubled their efforts to attack it. You know... after you essentially started this whole war by kidnapping Tyrion.

Cat: Gee, thanks for reminding me that this whole thing is my fault.

Edmure: Yes. The war. Your husband being executed. All of it. Your. Fault.

Cat and Edmure stare each other down. They then awkwardly continue on to father's solar.

Lord Hoster Tully: Oh shit! Lil' Cat! I'm so glad you're here before I died.

Cat: Damn. You look so old and frail. And you're speaking so weakly! Geez, you should have told me you were this sick!

Hoster: Bitch, didn't you just have this conversation with Edmure coming up here?

Cat: Wow, you've still got good hearing though, apparently. Anyway, I wanted to tell you that your grandson, Robb, is here. Also, Jaime Lannister is in chains. But not like a hip hop guy wearing a bunch of chains. I mean he's in shackles. Riverrun is free again!

Hoster: Oh yeah, I was enjoying watching the battles afar from my big ass window. You know this room has a big ass window, right? It gets a lot of sunlight in. Hence why they call it a "solar."

Ah, so that's why they call the room a solar! It all makes sense now!

Hoster: So was it Robb who won the battle?

Cat: You bet your ass it was. But, you know, Blackfish was also really key to the fighting too.

Lord Hoster immediately gets sour. He fucking hates his brother, Blackfish.

Hoster: Hrm. His ass is here too, huh? Did your sister, Lysa come from the Vale as well?

Cat: Nah. Dat crazy bitch ain't ever leaving.

Hoster: Oh, well I guess I'll never see her again before I die. That sucks.  But at least I can see Robb!

Cat: And Blackfish too, right?

Hoster: *grumble*

Cat: COME ON! He's your brother!

Hoster: Did that asshole get married yet? I told him to get married! You know, I bet that girl I tried to set him  up with, Bethany Redwyne, is still single.  I arranged this sweet blind date for them and fucking Blackfish no-showed. It was going to be elaborate AF. As soon as she walked in the restaurant, that UB40 song "Red Red Wine" was going to start playing. Get it? Because she's--

Cat: --Dad, Bethany Redwyne married Lord Mathis Rowan like twenty years ago and has a bunch of filthy, ugly kids. I can't believe you're holding this grudge with your brother after all these years because he wouldn't date a girl you tried to set him up with.

Hoster: Oh, it wasn't just one girl. I tried to set him up with some Braken girls too. And some Frey girls. Any of those Frey girls, there are a million of them. Any time I tried to set him up with a hot chick he was like, "Nah son."

Cat: Honestly... have you considered the idea that Blackfish might be gay? Like Rock Hudson.

Hoster: WHAT?! No! Noooooooooooo.

Cat: I mean I think it's a perfectly good fan theory as to why he always refused your demands for him to get married.

Edmure: Yeah, dad. Then there is also the other fan theory that Blackfish was secretly in love with your own wife, our mother, Minisa.

Hoster: No! NO! I'm sure he's just one of those playboy "bachelor for life" kind of guys. Look, I don't want to think about any of that and I especially don't want to think about him banging my dead wife. Will you shut up about that if I agree to see him later? I don't have the energy to fight with him now. In fact, I'm quite tired.

Cat: Sure, dad. I promise you I'll make sure that--

Hoster: --ZZZzzzz.

Cat: Oh. That was really quick after announcing that he was tired. Okay. I guess we'll leave.

She leaves, and goes to find Robb. But first she runs into her Uncle. She tells him about the encounter.

Blackfish: Hahaha, oh yeah. Yeah, that's my shit brother. He'll still be chiding me abut that Bethany Redwyne shit as I set fire to his funeral pyre. And by that, I mean I PLAN TO BURN HIM ALIVE BECAUSE I HATE HIM.

Cat: Haha, oh. Awkward. Say, where can I find my son?

Blackfish: He's hanging out in the halls or something.

Cat: Cool beans.

And so she goes to the halls, which is a fancy term that means halls. You know how it is with these fancy medieval castles.

Theon: So check this shit out. We were all fighting and Grey Wind tore this Lannister dude's arm straight off! It was brutal! Then he started fucking with their horses! They wen't crazy and--

Cat: --What the hell is this?! THEON?! Where is Robb?! Is this chapter just going to be me wondering around, looking for my son and instead finding other characters?

Theon: I think he went  to the godswood.

Cat: I swear to the gods he better be in there! I need to interact with my son to move the story forward!

And yes... Cat finds that indeed Robb is there, praying to the trees with a bunch of other northern followers of the old  gods (like Umber, Karstark, Lady Maege Mormont, Galbart Glover, and Lord Tytos Blackwood).

Tytos Blackwood: Technically that statement is inaccurate. Although I am indeed a follower of the old gods, I'm actually a bannerman to the Tullys, and the Blackwoods hail from Raventree Hall in the Riverlands. The Riverlands fell under the King of the Isles and the Rivers in the old Seven Kingdoms, making it a distinct political and geographic entity from "the North."

Shut up, Tytos. Nobody cares.

Cat: Oh great! Now I've found my son, but I still can' talk to him because I'd be disturbing his tree prayers.  I better just wander off now and reflectively think about growing up here and doing stuff like sneaking off to kiss Littlefinger in the woods. Maybe a little heavy petting, but I'd rather not get into that.

Robb: OH, HEY MOM! Thanks for disturbing my tree prayers with that fucked up story about handjobbing Baelish.

Cat: DAMNIT! I mean... Oh... hey son. You need to see your sick ass grandfather before he dies.

Robb: Yeah, yeah, sure. That creepy old man who smells like mothballs can wait. I need to call a War Council now!

Cat: Hell... why?

Robb: Because the news that RENLY BARATHEON has pronounced himself KING!

Cat: Oh.

Robb: TO THE GREAT HALL!

And so they go to the Great Hall, which is a fancy term that means a hall, but a greater hall than the previously mentioned halls which were just regular halls. You know how it is with these fancy medieval castles.

Four long tables are all set up to discuss the war effort. In addition to all the previously mentioned people like Edmure, Blackfish, Theon and those guys praying with Robb, they are now also joined with Lord Jonos Bracken, Lord Jason Mallister, Ser Marq Piper, Ser Stevron Frey, Lord Karyl Vance, and Lord Lyman Darry.

Robb: I bet you're all wondering why I called this meeting.

Lord Mallister: Is it to discuss how Renly has pronounced himself a king? And is it also an opportunity for all of us Lords and Bannermen to argue for hours about battle strategies for the war, and discuss recent updates such as the facts that Roose Bolton has reformed our other host at the mouth of the causeway... or that Lord Tywin Lannister has crossed the Trident and is making for Harrenhal?

Robb: Yep. Good guess, Jason.

Greatjon: Let's march to attack Tywin at Harrenhal!

Karstark: HELL YEAH!

Lord Piper: No! We should march to Casterly Rock and attack that now!

Lord Mallister: I saw we instead just continue attacking Tywin's supply lines!

Lord Bracken: Nah, let's join up with Renly and pledge him as our king! Then we'll double our forces and the Lannisters stand no chance.

Robb: What? Renly? RENLY? No, Renly is no king.

Glover: Pffft! Surely you can't think that Joffrey is still king after he murdered your father?

Robb: Joffrey murdering my dad makes him an evil little bitch who I'm going to kill... but it doesn't change the fact that he's Robert Baratheon's son. And anyway, even if there was no Joffrey... Renly is the YOUNGER brother to Stannis. Surely Stannis's claim is better.

And the room breaks into debate again, as a lot of people can't stand Stannis's stupid ass.

Stevron Frey: Hey man, I'm a Frey so I'm always up to some sneaky, manipulative shit. I say let them fight each other. Joffrey. Renly. Let them kill each other and get weaker and weaker. Then we simply ally with the winner! Let the two kings play their game of thrones. When they are done, we--

--Alarms start flashing and horns sound. Chairry, Magic Screen, Pterri, Mr. Window, Clockey, Conky 2000 and all the others start shouting wildly and flailing their arms/wings/seat cushions/whatever they have around. The text "Game of Thrones" flashes again and again.

Robb: What the hell?

Cat: Yeah, I've heard about this, son. Just suffer through it.

Cowboy Curtis: He just said the Secret Word!

Pee-Wee: HEH-HEH!!

And as quickly as they all appeared, they all vanish right back into the waters of Riverrun. 

Cat: Well, now that THAT shit is over with, I say we make peace.

Robb: PEACE?! Do you forget already that the Lannisters murdered your husband? I will not have peace with them!

Robb angrily and dramatically throws his sword on a table. Greatjon Umber looks on, nodding and smiling as an idea forms in his brain.

Cat: Son, this war started to free Ned and protect the Riverlands. Well, now Ned's dead, baby. And the Riverlands are safe. No amount of vengeance will bring Ned back!

Robb: What about a crazy lamb witch from Essos that sacrifices a horse, an unborn child, and several random characters in order to bring him back as some sort of braindead zombie?

Cat: I mean I GUESS that could work, but anyone who is stupid enough to make that kind of deal will probably be tricked somehow. After all, witches are notoriously conniving.

Robb: Can we sacrifice Sansa? Nobody likes Sansa.

Cat: ROBB, NO!!! I love my daughters and we need to get them back. That is our priority now. If we need to make a deal with the Lannisters, then be it so. I want them back in Winterfell. And I want you back in Winterfell... I want you all safe!

Blackfish: I doubt any terms of peace with the Lannisters will last long. Sure they would settle for peace to get Jaime back. But then what after? What prevents them from breaking that peace and marching right back up?

Karstark: Yeah, FUCK that. Think about all the sacrifices we've already made. Think about the dead men. Our murdered boys. It's all worth nothing if peace is made!

Tytos Blackwood: Yeah, and what does making peace with Joffrey do anyway? It makes us an enemy of Renly... and then we're STILL at war.

People nod with Tytos Blackwood, and others start arguing. Nobody can figure out what the hell to do. That is until Greatjon Umber stomps his foot really loud and steps forward. 

Greatjon: Joffrey? FUCK HIM. Renly? FUCK HIM TOO. Those kings? I will never be loyal to those kings. Why should some asshole sitting on some flower-covered throne in the south rule over us in the north when they don't know JACK SHIT about the north? Even their fucking gods are wrong.

Edmund: Hey! Whoa-whoa-whoa! There are a ton of Riverlands bannermen here and we all follow the sev--

Tytos Blackwood: --Not me, as previously established. I follow--
Greatjon: --SHUT UP! I'm on a roll here. Why should we not rule ourselves again? Yes, Torrhen Stark bent the knee. But he bent the knee to those dragon kings. The dragons are all dead.

Greatjon pulls out his giant greatsword and points it at Robb. 

Greatjon: There is only one man I king bend the knee too... and that king is Robb Fucking Stark... THE KING IN  THE NORTH!!!

He kneels with his sword before Robb. A quiet murmur begins to spread.

Stevron Frey: *whisper* I didn't know his middle name was "Fucking."

Karstark: Hells to the fuckin' yeah, boys!!! I'll have peace on those terms the Greatjon is speaking about. They can keep that shitty throne of swords too. I mean it's totally impractical. Wouldn't a LoveSac beanbag be much more satisfying? Look, I'm bad with words. What I'm trying to say is... THE KING IN THE NORTH!

Karstark kneels too. 

Tytos Blackwood: THE KING IN THE NORTH!

Bracken: THE KING IN THE NORTH!

Mallister: THE KING IN THE NORTH!

Maege Mormont: THE KING OF WINTER!

Galbart Glover: Ugh, you always have to be fucking different, don't you Maege?

Everyone begins kneeling before Robb and shouting the words. 

Robb: Oh, so that's why there was all that foreshadowing about how there used to be kings in the north. It all makes sense now. This should end really well for me.